Why do I feel like I need to plan, rehearse, then re-plan and rehearse again every conversation I need to have with my diagnosed ADHD spouse? I never know how his brain will interpret what I am saying (often becomes completely skewed). I am constantly second-guessing myself and waiting for the right moment to "pitch" what I need to say. For example, I need some small jobs done around the house which I could get a tradesman for, but they are small jobs that my H is more than capable of doing himself .. and well ..yet if I ask at the wrong time I am giving him more and more things to do. "Don't you know I work?". God forbid if I ask a second time after an appropriate period of patiently waiting .. for it to become "nagging". So I wait weeks and weeks and weeks until he is ready because if I run out of patience and engage a tradesman, WW3 would erupt!! I am at a point where I have resigned myself to sending him emails during the day when he is medicated and able to focus better. Who sends their other half emails? It seems so odd, but a necessity now. Mind you, he doesn't respond. If I wait for any conversation at the end of the day F2F when his brain is tapped out and the medication for focus has worn off, it is information overload and we all know how that will end.
Planning and rehearsing every conversation
Submitted by Exhausting on 01/31/2023.
Documenting requests to counter re-remembering interactions
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
After two decades of experiencing the above dynamic with my ADHD (now Ex) wife I took to writing 'after action report' emails wherein I'd write down what was discussed, what action items per person were agreed to, and what was the agreed timeframe for completion of the action items. Honestly it did not really help with getting the action items accomplished but it did provide evidence that a conversation occurred at a certain time and commitments were made. I almost never got any reply to these emails. Their actual function was to give some prospective means to counter the 're-remembering' (i.e. gaslighting) that my ADHD wife 'had not been told' and 'had not agreed to that'.
I also attempted to plan any discussion with the anticipation of my ADHD wife's possible medication level. I could never be certain if she followed her dosing schedule (if she took it early in the morning it would be largely worn off by the time I returned from the office and she claimed she did not need to take medication on the weekends so she could feel 'normal').
It is not you
Submitted by Dagmar on
I have been there, and it's so frustrating and it's not you. I even tried asking my husband "how do you want me to ask you to do these things?" and he lost his mind on me.
So what's going on (at least with my husband) is that he has RSD (https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/). He is not understanding that you are asking because you need help. He thinks you are criticizing him. He doesn't see you as being frustrated at having to work around these small jobs and just wanting them fixed. He probably didn't notice them in the first place, then forgot as soon as you mentioned it the first time. Imagine a world where people are always getting frustrated with you for "no reason." That's his world.
Does he also get upset with you when you're upset? Mine did. He just didn't understand that if I was upset because I had a bad day, that I wasn't upset with him. He'd get so mad at me because he didn't do anything to make me upset. This, in turn, would actually make me angry with him, and that reinforced his belief that I was just making up reasons to start a fight.
I'm not even sure what flipped the switch for my husband. Probably therapy. I just eventually got through to him that I was asking for HELP. I wasn't nagging him for fun, I was asking for help because I was overwhelmed.
One of the things I say that brings my husband around is "if you hired someone to do this, would this be acceptable?" I first said it after he took five hours to put one coat of paint on 20 feet of baseboard. At the time, he was off his meds. That brought him around and made him go back to taking his ADHD seriously.
I can relate so much to your story
Submitted by kosty on
My husband think when I speak with him about something I'm criticizing him, not asking him for help. He also gets very upset when I'm upset, same thing if I was having a bad day he thought I was upset at him. It is so frustrating. I'm hoping my husband who mentioned therapy just a few days ago will follow through. I walk on eggshells every day that if I say the wrong thing to him he will get mad or take it personally. I have read to books so far which having been helping a great deal. How to improve your marriage without talking about it & The ADHD Effect On Marriage.
I hope I can get through to him that I'm asking him for help not nagging at him
Thanks for sharing
Kosty
Thank you Dagmar for your insights
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your views and for sharing the information on RSD which completely resonated with me.
It can be easier if you can endure WW3
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I had this exact dynamic with my ex. He wouldn't do what needed to be done but also was adamantly against hiring. So that put me in the position to do whatever I could all by myself as much possible and remind, remind, remind for everything else. I was exhausted and angry. I thought about the dynamic after many years in it... I was always upset and he never was... he continued to do nothing and not spend the money while I went crazy. Hmmm. So I started discussing what needed to be done. If he said he'd do it, I would say, "great... if it's not done in 2 weeks, I'm going to hire someone to do it." And then when he didn't do whatever the thing was after two weeks, I hired without another word. Was he mad? YES. But too bad. Why did I care so much that he might get upset? He didn't care at ALL that his inaction made ME upset.
And honestly, he wasn't even THAT mad. Ultimately he was relieved that whatever the "thing" was got done and he didn't have to do it. When he would get angry, I would just calmly state that he had every opportunity to tackle it as discussed and not engage further. The other benefit is that if your partner really doesn't want you to hire, he'll see that you mean business and maybe start doing some of the jobs because he has seen the evidence that you'll follow through with hiring. I think it's important for people with ADHD to see there are actual consequences to their actions (or inactions). Otherwise, why change?
I hired a cleaning service because he would not help with cleaning. I hired landscape maintenance people for a large property he would not care for. I did most of the painting myself but hired once for a very high wall. I got a plumber to fix a tap my husband broke.
This solution still puts the pressure on you to arrange to get things done, but you will be relieved that things are actually getting done.
Exhausting
Submitted by vgathright on
Yes! I didn't realize anyone else went through this exact same process!! Even more challenging with parenting decisions!!
It looks like we all are
Submitted by Exhausting on
It looks like we all are managing this is varying degrees. It is definitely a "thing".
You are so correct. I can
Submitted by needingstrength on
You are so correct. I can completely relate to never knowing how his brain will interpret what I'm saying. I can overtly, sincerely, and kindly offer my assistance or help with a task and he will take it as "he's not doing enough/doing it good enough for me." I've tried (what seems like) all the strategies. If he asks if it's alright if he goes and does XYZ hobby for a few hours, and I respond pleasantly "of course, have fun!" (genuine sincerity) and he gets back and sees me stressed about something that's going on at home with the kid while he's gone (kid tantrum, etc), and he asks how it's going, and I respond with the truth ("not well at the moment, here's the situation with kid") he explodes and treats that as "you really didn't want me to go do my hobby and you are now mad at me and blaming me for your stress" (huh?) OR if I sugar-coat it (blatantly lying and saying its all going super well in an effort to avoid him getting offended) he will eventually blow up on me because I was "acting stressed." I'm constantly walking on eggshells in this regard. I've worked so hard on regulating my voice, going non-responsive (even if he's being totally "offended" about something and spouting off words and phrases I didn't even say). After a decade of this I've learned that it just depends on HIM and how HIS brain is interpreting things...I can say the same exact thing one day, and then the same exact thing another, and get totally different responses. I guess I just feel like I should be able to express exhaustion or frustration without him taking it as a personal attack.
Hi
Submitted by Elliej on
You should be able to express your emotions how you see fit, without a thought to his response. He doesnt appear to regulate, diminish or supress the expression of his feelings towards you. Thank you for your post. It really hit home as i personally supressed my voice, my gut feelings, my thoughts. I absorbed every ADHD excuse and took that as my reality, until in the end i lost myself and had a breakdown. I accepted some appalling behaviour. Do not loose yourself! Xx
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Submitted by Exhausting on
I absolutely agree with every word, Ellij. I am so sorry for what you have been through, but hopefully you have come out the other side a stronger person. It has taken me a long time to realise that much of the blame shifting has been unwarranted and unfair and no longer need to accept it. And I can totally relate to the level of appalling behaviour we "tolerate". We must use these struggles to make us stronger people. IT IS NOT OUR FAULT.
Thank you all for your
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thank you all for your insights and feedback. It's good to know that I am not alone, but good for others to also read that they are not alone, so thank you for sharing your personal experiences and strategies. This forum is so helpful for that.
I see that a lot of you
Submitted by klara_l on
I see that a lot of you posting under this are referring to "Ex" - which makes me wonder: is there really no solution? I've tried the writing, Emailing, hiring.... same as everyone else here...
Right now I am just torn between leaving it behind and wondering if I really tried it all....