We discovered almost 2 years ago my husband had ADD. He was having severe depression and no antidepressants were helping. The facility that he went to had him talked into ECT. Thankfully we got a second opinion and he started in Adderall almost 2 years ago. Shortly before he was properly diagnosed, he was forced to quit his job. Since that time he has been trying to get his own automotive detailing business started. He is not able to be organized or a self started. We have a child and are living off of basically just my income. The financial stress is killing me. He maybe details 2-3 vehicles a MONTH. Most days he sleeps in until at least 10, then does things he deems very valuable (cleaning the garage, maintaining our vehicles, half finishing projects, etc). He stays up until at least 3 am, and the cycle continues. I've told him dozens of times he at least needs a part time job and he disagrees. I pay for everything and last month we almost were overdrawn. I have no extra money to do things I want to do or put into savings. I am angry and resentful. I do not understand how this is an issue. HE NEEDS TO WORK! At times his family will have him do some book work or cleaning on their farm and pay him. His mom tells me they cannot afford to pay him but she doesn't want to upset him because she's scared he'll try to commit suicide--- before he was properly diagnosed and on ADD meds he had suicidal thoughts but has not since. He sees his psych dr every week but nothing is helping. I truly feel if he would have a steady income life would be better and so would our marriage. I feel used and financially abused. I want us to be happy again, not only for us, but for our daughter. Most days im depressed, hopeless, and angry. Help!
Please Help
Submitted by Nwestra on 12/13/2015.
I agree that he needs to get
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I agree that he needs to get a job...a full time job. If he's only detailing a couple of cars a month, that can be done when he's not at his full time job.
I wouldn't tolerate this ....at all. I put up with a LOT of craziness from my H, but I wouldn't put up with an inch if I had to support him. That may sound cruel, but it's the truth.
Give an ultimatum that you can live with the results and tell him he needs to have a job by XXX date.
I am so pissed. He's willing
Submitted by Nwestra on
I am so pissed. He's willing to throw away our marriage just because he won't get a job!? I kicked him out last year for a few days and allowed him back if he applied for a few jobs. I'm so mad. And I do not want to 'share' our daughter. It makes me so sad. Thank you for listening.
Your mistake was allowing him
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Your mistake was allowing him back into the house before he was WORKING a job for at least a couple of weeks.
Well, look at it this way...If you kick him out until he gets a real full time job and is actually WORKING, one of two things will happen:
1) He'll get a job and you'll be happy.
2) He'll never get a job and you'll be glad that you kicked him out because you will no longer be paying for him, so you'll have more money.
this crap was not tolerated when I was growing up....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I grew up in the 60s. I only knew of a tiny number of men who wouldn't support their familes and they were kicked out. The rest of the men knew that they had to work, so they did.
Now, that more women work full time, too many men think that they don't have to work. Men need to work. Truly they do. Their egos and other aspects are affected when they don't work.. When idle, they get into trouble and develop bad habits.
I've been married for over 30 years. My H worked a well-paying job the whole time...now he's retired with a very good pension. He helps me with my business which means I need one less employee...so his "part-time work" with me is worth a part-time income in savings.
If H was not supporting himself and our household, he would have been out on his ass a LONG time ago. As I've said many times here, the main reason we're still married is because of the financial situation. I'd lose too much. He's gotten better now that he's not drinking nearly as much, and he's happier working with me. Most of the time he's fine, but it's those dysregulated times that make him unbearable.