I don't want to leave my ADHD husband, but after nearly 20 years of being married, I am so tired. I'm so lonely, and I feel too old for not yet 40. I don't dream any more, or plan, because I know that even though it's not his fault, nothing we plan will ever come true. I'm so tired of the shame, of our overgrown yard, our disastrous finances, every day that passes with nothing to show except the same old arguments and his promises that he's heard me when I know in my heart, he can't change. He is a really lovely man and very kind and a terrific dad is, but I know now that to be with him means having to get to a place where I want nothing/need nothing & expect nothing and I don't know if i can do that. Because I nag so much, and cry and have almighty tantrums and can't stop comparing our situation to friends etc/ I'm always apologizing for who I am and how I treat him and he always says, don't apologize I'd be a messif it weren't for you. That used to flatter me but now I realise it makes me feel sad and trapped, because he would be a disaster without me. I realize part of the reason I stay with him is because I fear what would happen to him if I stopped running everything, buying his clothes, making his meals, reminders etc. I imagine seeing the house he would create for himself as a single person and of having to drop our kids of there and I know I can't do it. the reason i have no energy is because it all goes on plugging up this sinking ship.
But that means, I am stuck here, feeling so desperately lonely, with no one who really knows what its like to be so lost in a marrige to a "great guy". Everyone tells me I'm so lucky all the time, because he's so forgiving etc but I think it's because he just forgot our arguments. he'll never change. members of his family, and now sadly, one of my own sons has ADDD, and I feel like I can't escape this horrible condition no matter where i go. It's everywhere and I feel crazy all the time. I so desperately want to run away and start over with a person who can actually love me and make me feel safe and do the things he says he'll do. I mourn all the years of our early marriage when I didn't know he was ADHD. also because i do love him i wish i got to know who he would really be, if he didn't have ADHD. The real version of him is in there somewhere but can never really exist because of this horrible condition. i feel like there is no hope, and that I'm too young to have so many regrets, so much anger and grief. noone in my family knows, a few of our friends I've told but they don't really believe someone like him who seems so together could have that "thing naughty boys have". it's funny how many people on this forum comment on feeling like they have a giant extra child. that's how i feel all the time, and i have so much shame and embarassment attached to that. it's like an entire level of emotional operation just doesn't exist there. i know he feels frustrated and depressed too, and i feel like i am ruining his self-esteem by constantly drawing attention to all his deficiencies and making him feel bad for what he can't fix. i don't even know why i am posting. i guess this is the first time i've realised i'm not alone - even if it's virtual, and in real life, i am truly, truly alone. i even notice i am slowly pushing every real friend i have out of my life, because i am tired of being the woman at my coffee morning who is always complaining about the same stuff which noone even believes is real. i wish i could start my life over again, i wish i'd had all the information when i chose to get married so that i wouldn't have a sense of being "mis-sold", or i wish someone could invent a cure for ADHD so I could stay married.
thanks and sorry for the depressing post.
I'm so tired of the shame, of our overgrown yard, our disastrou
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>> I'm so tired of the shame, of our overgrown yard, our disastrous finances, every day that passes with nothing to show except the same old arguments and his promises that he's heard me when I know in my heart, he can't change. <<<
What is going on? Does he work full-time and make a good income? Do you work?
Why are the finances a mess? If he over-spending? If so, what measures can be put in place to prevent or limit that?
Can your kids do some of the yard chores?
What is actually going on?
Where to start?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
There is so much in your post...and yet not enough information to know exactly what to suggest...but let me give you some ideas:
First, for you:
For your husband:
As for shame and reinforcement of shame: Just because your husband has not yet managed his symptoms in a way that supports the two of you doesn't mean he is incapable of doing so. More likely, it means that he has not yet found the right support structures. Your 'pointing out his deficiencies' however, is not going to help - ever. Please consider taking my upcoming live couples seminar to start to learn how to move away from that pattern into a healthier set of interactions between you. Neither of you feel this way at the moment, but there is hope. And, for better or worse, with a family filled with ADHD in all generations, you will be best equipped for your future if you are well-armed with good, useful tools about living with ADHD.
Hello Sad....You are not alone....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's not depressing; it's just your reality...Believe me, there are plenty of people reading it who understands COMPLETELY;) And would love to hug you tight and tell you will be alright!...Try not to focus on his living of life no more than you have to...It's helped me to just to do that...When two people are so differently wired, like many of us here, its easy to let your focus be drawn away and your thoughts be dominated by there living of life...Thus, you loose site of your needs, your wellness and the importance of your own self-awareness....I did this and it almost destroyed me...I was nothing more than a rescue dog....an ill tempered one at that....
When people's life styles and priority's have little to do with what it takes to be responsible to a spouse, children, home, yards etc...There is no common ground for the one who lives with a heart and mind geared toward being responsible to the mundane and necessary things that must be dealt with in this life...I can set boundaries that will limit unfruitful discussion's and allow for my own peaceful existence....But even boundaries have there limitations....Esp...if there not respected or remembered:).....
Oh he would survive if he didn't have you, and so would my wife and ever other person's spouse on this forum....Just their way!
I will pray for you....
C
Ok, "You can be OK!"
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello sad,
I wish someone could invent a cure for ADHD so I could stay married.
Wiping ADHD off the face of the earth would not fix your marriage. It is a part of it, but the relationship you two have developed is what is causing the difficulties.
I am married for 30 years - to a man who is ADHD I also have a 26 year old son who is ADHD. "I'm So Exhausted" came from feeling right where you seem to be, I tried to do it all, and paint a picture to all my family and friends of what I wanted our marriage to be - - including how I wanted him to be.
I can list all his great points - faithful; never called me a name; never physically did anything that would hurt me, does not drink, does not cheat with other women, does not gamble, creative, not lazy, hard worker - too an excess.
I understand the feeling of "how everyone thinks he is such a great guy." There was actually a point in my life where I thought, "If I leave him, there would be a line of women waiting for him, and I would be left all alone with nothing. And everyone will think I am foolish." Silly ol' me was hanging all the value I had in Liz on my marriage. People who have not walked in my shoes really have no clue - AT ALL.
The road I have been traveling has had lots of bumps. I had to get past my anger at how my reality did not measure up to what I wanted it to be. I had to remove myself from the role of behaving and acting like a Mother to my spouse, rather than his partner. I had to let him slip from that pedestal I had him on, and look at the warts that he has. I have to walk away from situations when he gets angry. I have to know that I know that I know when he tries to manipulate me with angry accusations, that I know better, and I can let him sit with his anger if that is what he chooses. His anger is his own. It only becomes mine if I choose to participate in it.
I need to continue to look at what I need, and figure out how to make it a reality. I do not like a messy yard. I do not like to have to do all the household chores. I do not like to be forgotten. I do not like to be taken advantage of. I do not accept being told there is something wrong with my feelings. I do not have enough time to live my life, let alone try to be the director of my spouse's life. I HAVE to accept the reality that he may never choose to say, "I am miserable, what can I do to change that?" I do not like having to measure my words, because I do not know what will set off his anger. I deserve to have an apology when I am hurt by his poor behavior.
This man who I married, he is in a lot of pain. I have great empathy for that. All I can do is pray. And hope someday he will ask how to get out of it - without blaming me, our families, our children, our neighbors, his customers, etc., etc., etc. I recently thought he had hit some sort of bottom - - the evidence of where he is today points to the fact that I was wrong in that assumption.
I KNOW we could be a great team. The relationship cannot get repaired until both sides want it to get better. I am unwilling to carry all the blame. I got some rough spots. I am taking care of those. I want a partner who loves me, and honors me, and cherishes me, and I want to feel as my hopes, and feelings are validated.
I know ADHD is real. It is. Cannot fix it. It does not have to consume anyone. There are all sorts of options and help available. I look at is as simply as this: When my car is not working, I get a mechanic to fix it. I COULD get a book and fix it on my own. I have no desire to do that. I am nearsighted. I can drive without my glasses - but I have no desire to do that. I have chemical depression. I keep it in balance with medication - have for 20 years. I can go without it - but why in Sam Hill would I choose that?!?!?!?!?
I can hope my spouse will choose to want to do his part to make our relationship work. I am not hanging my hopes on that. . . .I am working on Liz. Going to college. Getting close to being a preschool teacher. Enjoying my friends. Scrapbooking. Sewing. Writing - even if it never produces any profit, I still love writing! Sharing openly and honestly what is going on in my life. Not spouse bashing, yet discovering that I am not alone in my concern for my spouse's sadness and anger.
Sometimes, I do indeed feel guilty that my spouse is choosing misery. But, in the end, there is nothing - not one whit - that I can do to make him choose better.
You can choose to get unstuck, Why not open up your heart/mind/eyes to reality of you.
Liz
Great post, Liz
Submitted by jennalemone on
So similar. I am getting it that I am in the same boat as you. Getting it that it is up to me to make myself feel OK. Getting it that I have been trying too hard and frustrated and the reality is that nothing is going to change by hoping and praying and working hard without a major change. Congratulations on an entry that makes total sense and working hard to get to that point.
Thanks
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jennalemone,
It is such a great revelation. It has been there, in my heart and soul - for quite a while - I just never realized it till I started to share the hope with someone else. Full circle. Love, love, love this forum!!
Liz
Confirmation
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
P.S. I am watching the T.D. Jakes show. He says
"What really has to die is "What You Had in Mind." If you can let go of what you had in mind, what you hoped for, and what you wished it would have turned out to be, then you can open yourself up to reality and move forward and find out that you are enough. . . !"
I love that. And I too, am in that painful process!
Liz
Oh babygirl, I so do
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Oh babygirl, I so do understand being married 25 years to Tigger-Eor-Hulk. I know you understand that. It took me 23 years, an emotional affair (it's over), and leaving for a brief month to realize I almost lost myself. I deserve more than that especially since I am a strong woman. I am still here and so are you! It is sad, disappointing, we have resentment, sure. But for me, one thing is true as I look back at my journals since 1990, I have always known that I wanted to not be affected and that the issue was not me. In the beginning, as a child being married (17) I thought maybe I was a bad wife, but here I am at 42 and its like he is covered in cement in the same position and with the same attributes he had at 21. Is that my fault? No. So it took ALL those years and almost losing my marriage, dignity, and who knows what else to see that I have a choice. A choice to continue to see MYSELF in the mirror, that is MY reflection and he is responsible for his behavior, his progress or lack of it. He is almost half a century old and has not much to show for it- he is a good guy, big heart, full of cockiness to make up for his low-self esteem and negative self-worth. But people know WHO I AM. That is what you need to remember: you can create your own path even while being married. You are not his identical twin. Someone told me this about me and it is my matra: "Ms. XXX, Super XXX. Mistress of her own domain and life." I love that because it reminds me that I am an individual and his behavior does not reflect anything on me. No one is looking at me when he throws an adult tantrum, brags about himself, talks incessantly until people's ears bleed, laughs or sings louder than anyone in the room, or watches tv for 8 hrs straight while I sleep alone night after night. No, that is his doing, his life and his future if he chooses not to change. Great guy, of course. He cries at a Hallmark commercial yet can seem insensitive to my needs. I get it. I can't change him. I depleted myself of the energy of life for all these years. NO MORE! Can you love someone without completely liking them? Yes. Much more important- are you getting to know yourself and improving on YOUR life and seeing YOUR potential? I used to sit around vegging with him in front of the tv. NO MORE. He will sit there alone since its what HE wants to do and my presence does nothing but make me feel invisible. I got my butt up and decided to get to bed at a good time (not 3 AM) and wake early as well. When you depend on someone so much to lead the way and be "the traditional man" when he is not capable and is a good guy that does not have the skills to be married, you set yourself up for discouragement and mental breakdown and you forget that you were once in control of your life and your decisions to be better. Take that back! You don't have to hate that person just love yourself more. Am I disappointed. Sure. Am I leaving? No. I would only leave if he emotionally abused me like he did indirectly by having a temper toward himself. I want to stay to provide some normalcy and structure to his life. I feel great compassion and that is a great quality to develop because you just don't feel bad, you want to help. I have learned compassion toward myself these last 2 years also. This has helped me to give some to him when he can receive it without abusing my compassion but also to give more to me because I love me. So yes, you will be ok but don't lose yourself. Much love and a big fat kiss and hug.
Thank you everyone for your
Submitted by sad on
Thank you everyone for your kind and encouraging replies. I'm sorry I can't post more detail but I would feel disloyal to someone who is fundamentally good and trying really hard. I have just had it up to here with ADHD!!!!!!! I'm a lot of the problem as well, with unrealistic expectations about life and how much people can change. I can only keep working on myself and leave him to him.
Thanks again for all your support. It means a lot.
such an uplifting post!!!! : )--- 'notgonnalosemyself'
Submitted by sophiesmom on
Thank-you for posting this.. I sometimes feel sorry for myself just because spouse is set in his ways.. But your right, even though I feel lonely I should just go about my life the way I want it.. And let him be nervous and worry all the time.. I am beginning to mimic what he does and I don't like it.