Hello Everyone. I have a dear friend with ADHD whom I see almost every day walking our dogs. I'm the non-ADHD person. I'm trying to understand how ADHD affects her communication and also some behaviors. She is a dear friend but sometimes I feel exhausted after spending time with her and trying to figure out what her point is. Sometimes what she says or does feels rude but I don't think that is her intention. So here are some questions I have. Feel free to focus on one or two or as many as you want. I value your sharing what you know.
1. She seems to go into all types of diversions in our conversations that I have to ignore to get to the kernel of what she is saying. She takes a very long time making a point. If I ask her a clarifying question, she goes in a whole new direction. I end up just listening to her various diversions bc it feels easier than trying to get her to focus. Sometimes I intentionally zone out bc of the weight of holding so much info. I must admit that often I prefer not to go on a walk with her bc it's so draining. I seriously don't want to tell her this bc I don't want to hurt her feelings.
2. Because of the above, it feels like she is dominating the conversation. Sometimes I can't get a word in edgewise. Our conversations lack the give and take that characterize my conversations with other people. It almost feels like she is talking to listen to herself talk. I should say she is not always this way. Sometimes she asks my questions or gives me room to share. Our communication is esp triggering to me as it's similar to the conversations I had with my narcissistic mom. My mom would dominate the conversation talking about herself, people she knew, etc. and wasn't really interested in me and my thoughts and feelings
3. Related to some of the above, it seems like she goes into so much detail explains things. An example is that when she is working on a house or garden project, she goes into every minute step along with why she made the decisions she did. There is so much detail that the description starts getting seriously boring. I want to enjoy her accomplishments with her but all the detail kind of spoils it. And I am interested in her projects--she can do so many things that I can't and she is very creative. But sometimes I avoid asking her any questions bc I know the answer will be so long.
I've spent a lot of time on this site and I know there is a lot of wisdom here. Thanks for your help!
This sounds like having a
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
This sounds like having a conversation with my husband! If he's hyped up, he can easily get 2 or 3 hours into it, and it will take me a couple of days to recover!
Does your friend have awareness of her ADHD? With my husband it's become code for me to give him a wide-eyed look and say "squirrel" when he starts rabbit trailing because I invariably get very confused, and he'll try to get back to the point. If she knows she does this and you are close enough, she may not mind being directed back.
I have a more casual friend at church who is very much like what you describe, and I can only engage with her in person when I am feeling very... robust? She does not have the self-awareness that my husband is developing. She is a nice person, very animated and funny, and I do like her, but having a conversation with her is like being hit with a verbal hurricane. I rarely get a word in edgewise, either. It probably sounds crazy, but I think we are friends because we text more than we talk in person. I actually enjoy texting her because the conversation goes back and forth, as opposed to just her talking and me listening the whole time.
I think the key, tho, is your friend's level of self-awareness. It's highly likely that she's had less tactful people in her life point out to her that she "can be a lot", as my husband says, and if she hasn't made the effort to tone it down already, there probably isn't much you can do without being very direct and running the risk of hurting her feelings. So that is something you may need to weigh. Are you close enough to her to address it with her, or would it be better to set some boundaries?
Thanks!
Submitted by 66DegreesNorth on
Thanks for your response, EAB. I think she is aware of her tendency to draw things out conversationally bc sometimes she will say to herself something like "Okay, get to the point..." I think she knows her tendency but has major trouble remembering to be more concise and direct with her speech. It's like once she gets going she can't stop. When I first met her, she told me right away that she had ADHD. I'm thinking she wouldn't share that as easily if she had shame going on so perhaps she would be open to hearing from me.
When you say set boundaries, are you referring to me setting boundaries for myself (e.g., not hanging more than three days a week) or do you mean setting boundaries personally with her?
I had to laugh when you mentioned texting as not being as exhausting. I completely agree. Problem with my friend is she doesn't like to text unless it's very short and has to do with practical matter (e.g. I'm gonna be 10 minutes late for our dog walk). I think she has a bit of a problem interpreting texts that are personal or that your have to read btwn the lines to understand.
Thanks again! Very helpful empathetic.
For you
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I think setting boundaries for yourself is helpful if her conversations can be overwhelming for you. Less time, less stress. But given what you shared in your reply, it sounds like she's aware and you're close enough to maybe talk about it a little. That is not a conversation I would be good at and hopefully someone else can chime in. But I would think something along the lines of "I really enjoy your friendship and our time together, but sometimes I don't feel like you're interested in what I have to say bc you talk without actually engaging me. I love listening to you, but I would feel better about our conversations if we could each have the opportunity to talk and each listen to each other."
Thanks for the clarification,
Submitted by 66DegreesNorth on
Thanks for the clarification, EAB. It helps a lot! Your example is really good. Now I have to get up the courage .
I understand
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Totally. I would shrink from that myself, but I know worthwhile relationships of any kind sometimes require extra effort! Good luck to you!
Setting boundaries
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It may be helpful to think about the issue that you have with your friend as setting boundaries for the relationship and how you want the two of you to interact RATHER than helping your friend to improve in some way.