Oh good lord the pouting. I feel like I am trapped in a really bad remake of Groundhog Day. We just go over the same stuff over and over and over and DH wonders why I am counting the days until we can end this pathetic excuse for a marriage. DH is overweight but has junk food, pop and candy hidden in his dresser drawers. He gets headaches from an outdated glasses prescription and won't make an appointment to get new ones OR let me make it despite there being an eye place that takes our insurance, is open on Saturdays AND is blocks from our house. He has bad knees and won't go to the doc for that. He has bad teeth and won't go to the dentist for that. He needs hearing aides and won't act on that either. We have insurance for all of those things AND doctors/dentists that the rest of us go to in the neighborhood. I have been to see a social worker at this community resource center for women who want to divorce and I have some information about how to proceed. The first thing to be done is pay off as much debt as possible which I have been doing. I am actually really proud of how much I have paid off. Tomorrow I am mailing off two more big payments that will finish off those two. So every time I mention that when our lease is up in May we should go our separate ways and every time DH acts surprised. I can't take it any more. I feel like a big huge b**ch every time. He keeps saying he thinks there is hope for us, that he hates how things are between us but doesn't know what to do about it. And every time I say WE ARE DONE and it feels like I am kicking a puppy. How can he possibly think there is hope?? I have said the words THERE IS NO HOPE. I DO NOT WANT THIS LIFE ANY MORE. How much clearer can I get??
He has been sleeping on the couch for the past month. I have no idea why--nothing specific happened. When I asked he said I told him to one night--I woke him up in the middle of the night when he was snoring and told him to go sleep on the couch. So that is what he is doing. Wouldn't you think I meant just that one night?? I have told him THREE TIMES he does not have to sleep on the couch any more, that I don't remember saying that, that he has been snoring for 23 years and yet...still sleeping on the couch. So I stopped bringing it up. Tonight I was telling him something and the whole time I was talking he was drumming his fingers like I wasn't talking fast enough or whatever. So I said something. I asked if he realized what that body language says to the person speaking. He got totally angry and defensive, said he wasn't doing that (he was) and he didn't mean anything by it. I asked if he did that to people who were talking to him at work and he said he didn't know. I sure hope not, although it would help explain why he gets fired every three years. And he got so defensive that I got up and left because clearly the conversation wasn't going to end well and he got silent and pouty. I had to run across the street for a couple things for dinner and when I got home, he said he wasn't hungry. So he isn't eating now. Pouting. So juvenile. It's the same cycle every time I call him out about some offensive behavior. He gets mad then silent and pouty. This will probably last a few days which should be GREAT because we have a two hour drive on Sunday to an event for the youngest son that lasts most of the day out in the middle of nowhere. It's going to be a very silent day. I hate driving with him. I hate the weekends. Not in a good place right now.
Not in a good place... I hear you
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm so sorry, D. It's such a hard place to be. I am exactly where you are. In my mind, it is 100% over, but I am staying for our child. Only for now. You are staying to pay off debt. Only for now. It is an awful, awful place to be. Such unhappiness.
I have twice told my husband I wanted to separate in the last 6 years or so (together about 20). Twice he acted completely shocked. Both times he said he would think on what I'd said and talk to me. Both times... crickets. Like I never said the words. I think he hopes it will go away even though we change absolutely nothing about our dynamic. I waited patiently both times because I know when one partner comes to the other with something they have likely put years of contemplation into, the other partner needs time to process. But I guess that's not it with ADHD partners. They forget, ignore or just refuse to deal. I don't know. From my end it looks like he doesn't care even though I know he'd claim he does.
So the next time I say something, I won't be hoping for conversation or collaboration or agreement or disagreement or anything. I will be saying divorce instead of separation and I will have my plan set.
And I have to say, though I feel I have been completely clear about my feelings, I still feel awful staying in a relationship I know my heart has left. I feel guilty. I am doing it for my daughter (because I now realize sharing custody with him will be very bad for her), but I still feel the weight of not letting him move on with his life and not moving on with mine. And tolerating untreated ADHD behaviors in a relationship that's over is harder than when you're in love!
And just quick rant... I sympathize on the car ride. Long trips are the WORST for us. By the time we get into the car, I am usually already irate because we are an hour or two late. And though I am the one to prep the food for wherever we're going, pack the car, get ready and make sure our daughter is ready, I am never the one who makes us late. Then he'll know I'm stressed - and why - and will get more belligerent and pick at me or my daughter in the car until we blow. So then he can sit back and be the "good' and "calm" one. Makes me nuts. While I have smartened up and have stopped "blowing," he just picks at our child more to get what HE needs to feel right and superior. Long car rides are the worst.
I will say it has helped to let go of what I can't control. I don't comment on what he eats or going to the doctor. I could have written the first part of your post... the junk food, the avoidance of doctors/dental care/eyecare, etc. I am finally at peace with him making decisions on those things. I may say it once... "Are you going to make an appointment about your knees?" But if he doesn't, he doesn't. With the exception of the hearing, my husband has every problem you mentioned in your post, too!
Hugs. In the trenches with you.
It's the game...It's hard to stop the game.....
Submitted by c ur self on
When our desire to win the game, out weighs our ability to stop it....It will continue until the end of our days...It takes a few things that most of our marriages lack (we lack)....1) Humility that out weigh's our Pride...2) Care for our spouse that is greater than our own selfishness..3) A willingness to do the work, (daily put energy & effort into the needs of our spouse and children) Loving kindness being met w/ Loving Kindness....Many of us have wished for this for years....We see it happening all around us....Yet, it is as far from us as the stars, or so it seems....
c
Thanks for the replies, both
Submitted by dvance on
Thanks for the replies, both of you. C U R Self--I think a lot about what you say when you post on here. I try very hard to behave in ways that line up with my Catholic values, ways that I can be proud of no matter what DH acts like. It's really hard, as we all know. (that is like the understatement of the decade!!). I have this image in my head of dealing with my DH--when I was in college I was a political science major for a while and I took a terrific class in Soviet politics and the professor described dealing with the KGB as trying to grab smoke. That is what I feel like living with DH. Never a clear answer, confusing behavior, nothing remotely consistent from day to day, sometimes dependable, sometimes not, sometimes angry answers to normal questions, sometimes no answers at all, sometimes answers texts, sometimes doesn't. I have said many times it's the inconsistency that gets me the most- I never know what I'm going to get--sullen, out to lunch, fine and normal, sarcastic, immature. That is really hard for me.
I regret very much that I stayed this long. Lately I have had an endless loop of regret and guilt playing in my head and I can't get it to stop.
I care for you, I feel your pain...
Submitted by c ur self on
I understand pretty well what it's like to live with some one you can physically see, but, you really never seem to touch... (healthy attachment)...I think about what you post also...I've thought quiet a lot about what you posted recently...Your husbands response to you that he had hope for your marriage, when you told him you did not....That is so puzzling, my wife would say the same thing, yet, not put any effort or energy into the relationship. Why can't they simply address (openly discuss there observable reality) the little things that hinder oneness? I know we all have issues, but, what does it say about me, if I refuse to own them and discuss them with my spouse (the person it effects the most, that I'm one flesh with) ??
For my own sanity, I have been battling my own thoughts (rebuking them) in this area....I have to tell myself most days, (when a thought of expectation surfaces for her to do differently) if she was capable (had any ability at all) of SEEING herself, (selfish behaviors, that are detrimental to our relationship) she would discuss it, and would work to change it....I truly think that many men and women, feel so helpless to make any positive change (so many failed attempts growing up, so much baggage and shame) that they block that part of living life completely out of their minds...(esp. when it comes to a spouse)
If it wasn't so, why would so many be loner's? Why would so many swap jobs so often (quit or get fired)??..Why would so many have a mind locked into self exoneration and blame. (it's always someone else's fault?? Why would so many brag on themselves (low self esteem)....
Why do so many of us stay? 1) Commitment to our vows....And 2) just what I stated here, deep down I know (we all know) there is no real ability for lasting change...There is no real ability to think differently...YES, D, I'm sure your husband truly does have hope for the marriage...He just has no ability to get to the place he needs to go (and you need him to go) for progress to be made....
Everything you said about his actions surrounding your comment about his snoring, and subsequently staying on the couch all that time, is the perfect picture of what this inability (inability to rationalize simple life interactions, and communicate them) looks like being lived out.....
So we feel sorry for them, because like I said, we love them, and deep down, we know they are for the most part, locked there....
But sadly our love, and our patients, doesn't change the reality (the emptiness and loneliness, when we just want a healthy intimate connection)....So we have to see it for what it is, and guard our hearts...My spouse may can rob me of that privilege in our marriage...But she can't effect the intimacy of my relationship with the Holy Spirit (my comforter).....
I wish great peace for you dear sister...
c