I am so incredibly frustrated and don't know what to do, so am looking for advice.
I am the non-ADHD spouse. I know my ADHD husband needs me to constantly give him praise and I go out of my way every single day to make sure I do that. If he actually finishes a project around the house, I go above and beyond praise. I will literally take pictures of it, email my mother, show him her response about how nice it looks. I will bring it up for days about how I'm so glad he did it, how it looks great, how I'm proud of him, etc etc.
I also know that everything takes time. I am not expecting him to magically become super organized and responsible over night. I feel I'm quite realistic with my goals and expectations for him in therapy. The one and practically only expectation is that he actually make an attempt to do what the therapist suggests he try doing. (The other being he actually go to the therapist). He is going to the therapist, but he is not trying anything she suggests. He will come home from therapy and gleefully tell me what they talked about and how whatever the thing is she suggested he try that week is going to change everything. Then, 3-4 days later, if I ask him if he has been trying it, he hasn't. Then comes his next appointment and the same cycle continues.
This morning I brought this up to him. I first asked him what he was planning on bringing up to his therapist at his appointment. He shrugged and said "I don't know." I gave him a minute to think and he then came up with that he should bring in the latest supplement he decided to try. I said that was good that he wanted to bring that up to her, but that wouldn't fill up an hour of time, unless there was something else related to the supplement he wanted to talk about. He then said that he has been doing so good since his last appointment, he doesn't know what else to talk about and asked if I could think of anything. I said, "Well, it's the same thing as usual." He was visibly confused and asked "What are you talking about?" I explained how I haven't seen him follow through with the things the therapist has suggested. He then turned it around and said that I am constantly criticizing him and that he is trying as hard as he can and that I have too many unrealistic expectations of him and that I need to accept that he has ADHD and there's nothing that can be done to change that. I tried really hard to remain calm. I asked him if he could give me an example of when I criticize him, because I honestly couldn't remember the last time I had. He thought for a moment, then blew up, saying the same things he had said before, just louder. I didn't say a thing, just let him go off. When he was done, I waited several minutes before saying anything. I then asked him again if he could give me an example of my criticism, so that I could make sure in the future to handle myself differently. I honestly want to know if I'm saying/doing things unconsciously that might be hurting him without my knowledge. He then told me that it isn't that I criticize him, it is that I don't say enough positive things - encouragement, praise, etc. I asked him what he would rather have me do than what I was doing, and he couldn't come up with an answer.
So I'm totally lost. I praise him constantly. I make sure I say several positive things each night during the week, and then on weekends when he does projects around the house, I bend over backwards to praise him. This apparently is not enough. The therapist has told me that I need to help remind him to do things and also let her know when I feel DH is slipping back to his old tendencies (which I have only done once). I do this in the most loving, patient, caring way I know how. But if I am honest and tell DH that he isn't following through, he freaks out. I can't praise him for things he isn't doing. I also make a point to not be criticizing him all the time. Being a negative person helps no one.
I'm at the point where I feel therapy is not helping him at all. We are paying out of pocket for the therapy, which would be ok if he was utilizing it, but he's not. But I don't know what else to do. I have changed leaps and bounds to accommodate his ADHD, but nothing I do is right or good enough. I don't know if there is anything else I can do. I want to be able to bring up issues and have a discussion with him without it turning into a three ring circus. But I don't see how that can happen. I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know if therapy is worth it. I'm totally lost and would love to hear anyone's advice.
I behaved exactly as your
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I behaved exactly as your husband for years - constantly shifting blame to others, treating my wife terribly and not even realizing it, putting her in these same no-win situations. You are a strong person, having tolerated this with patience. Unfortunately it is often the case that the ADHD person won't get serious about helping himself until some sort of crisis befalls him. In my case it was the threat of divorce, not once but twice. I finally got the message. I am trying harder now, seeing the therapist, etc. but I still cannot say for sure that I won't return to where I was. I really hope not because I love my wife and don't want to hurt her anymore. Try reading Gina Pera's book called Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD? It was I BIG help to both of us.
Thank you!
Submitted by Moondust on
Thank you! I will look up this book immediately! The only reason he started therapy was due to me threatening divorce. He keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me, that he loves me, etc. There are so many things I love about him and don't WANT a divorce, but thought it was the only option. Now that we are trying to get back on track, I'm feeling I put in a ton of effort and see very little on his side. I try very very hard to be patient, compassionate, and empathetic, but sometimes it is too much to handle. I can only hope he gets the message like you did.
*UPDATE*
Submitted by Moondust on
UPDATE:
When DH came home from the therapist's, it was the same thing - excited that this week's session was going to change everything. However, something had sunk in and DH finally realized that he really isn't trying anything the therapist suggests. He asked the therapist what he should do to help him follow through. She gave him a list of 6 things - actually 2 things worded 3 different ways. I was very happy that DH had finally realized he was not following through and actually brought it up during therapy. That is a HUGE step in the right direction!
Then, as time has gone on, some other things have been brought into light. According to DH, this is what happened during his session:
DH: I need help with following through. I haven't tried anything you've suggested.
Therapist: You are making progress.
DH: How am I making progress if I'm not doing anything?
T: You are motivated.
DH: How do you know I'm motivated? I'm not DOING anything.
T: I see people who aren't motivated, and I know you are.
DH: But I could be lying to you.
T: No.
DH: ..... How do you know I'm not lying? I could have been lying this whole time.
T: I know when people are lying and you aren't.
DH: I've told you before I'm doing things that I wasn't doing.
T: But you're motivated.
DH: What does that even mean?
T: I know you're here for the right reasons.
DH: Ok...well....how do I follow through?
T: You have too high of expectations.
DH: Wanting to do what you suggest is too high of an expectation?
T: You and your wife have unrealistic expectations. Things take time.
DH: How am I going to change if I do nothing, though?
T: You have motivation.
DH: That may be, but if I do nothing about it, nothing is going to change.
T: No.
DH: (obviously was very confused!) I need to know how to follow through. And my wife doesn't have unrealistic expectations. She just wants me to try what you suggest. That's the least I could do.
T: If you did everything I suggested, you wouldn't have ADHD.
DH: So because I have ADHD, I shouldn't try?
T: If you were able to follow through, you wouldn't be here.
DH: I thought I was here to learn how to cope with ADHD. And right now the biggest thing is learning how to follow through.
T: You have unrealistic expectations.
Clearly he was able to get the list of 6 things out of her eventually, but he said it was like pulling teeth. He also admitted that in most of the sessions, she brings me up and he feels she blames me for a lot of his problems, which he takes particular offense to. He then flat out said that he doesn't trust her. After hearing the above conversation, I can't blame him! He said she literally would just answer "no" to his questions that were not a yes/no question, which was perplexing to say the least. He came to the conclusion that he is done with this therapist. He will probably take a break from therapy for a while, which I'm ok with since this time of year is chaotic as it is and it's been stressful enough trying to rearrange our schedules to get him to therapy now. So probably in January he will look for a new therapist. I don't feel he is making any of this up. I have gone with him to sessions and I can picture the above conversation taking place. He has stuck with her for 3+ months, in the hopes that he would eventually start to feel comfortable with her, which just never happened. She is a psychologist specializing in ADHD, so we both wrongly assumed that meant she was going to be a good fit.
Since deciding he is no longer going to go to this therapist, I feel DH's whole attitude has changed, and in a positive way. Of course I don't know how long this is going to last, but I'm savoring the positive changes! I think the weight of figuring out how to make therapy work when it wasn't working was weighing him down. He has also brought up a few times how much it has been bothering him that the therapist blames me for so many things, and has felt like he needs to be constantly defending me while in his sessions. Clearly having that much focus on me was helping nothing and I don't know what her angle was with bringing it up.
I'm quite happy with getting rid of the therapist as well. I didn't get "good vibes" from her when I had gone with, but thought that as long as DH liked her, I would support him. So we all say good riddance and hope that in the future we can find a better fit for everyone.
Moondust...I see where she is headed w/this....
Submitted by c ur self on
(T: If you did everything I suggested, you wouldn't have ADHD.)
This statement is clearly her attempt to make him relax and accept himself, and his limitations as part of him. And their is nothing wrong with being who he is.
Not saying that I fully agree w/ her angle here...But, I do see she wants him to realize that half the battle is admitting his ADHD is debilitating when you start measuring the ability to follow through.
Coming face to face with reality.and being at peace with the reality is a great gift.. vs... fixing chronic behaviors that may never change.
I agree - at some point he
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I agree - at some point he has to prepare himself for the possibility that these behaviors are too entrenched to do much about. I think the therapist was being professionally responsible in refusing to be his cheerleader or otherwise give him false hope. At some point he as to DO SOMETHING, and she can't make him do it. Even if he has the list of suggestions, only he and he alone can make it happen - and he has to figure out his own way of getting over that hump. With that said I do think there is progress here - it is no small matter on the part of an ADHD sufferer to come to the realization that he actually has done nothing to help the situation, and that he has a problem with initiating change. The therapist is correct that this will take time. I know because I am in the same situation - trying very hard to initiate changes that I know are necessary but have a very difficult time pulling off.
Another update
Submitted by Moondust on
Thanks for your comments. It all helps me understand things better.
Things have actually been going really well since DH decided to quit therapy. He has been reading a book I suggested a while ago. He is also reading articles online and trying different approaches to things. Everything takes time, but this is all I've wanted him to do - try something different.
There was even a time last week where he was going into an ADHD tailspin and I was able to ask him to take a few minutes to clear his mind. At first he reacted very defensive, but I said again "Please just take a few minutes." He then took our dog for a walk and when he came back he said he could see why I asked him to step away. Thankfully that was enough to avoid a fight, too.
As time has gone on, he has also given me more insight as to why his therapy wasn't working for him. The main reason was the therapist was blaming me for everything. She said I was expecting too much out of him, I should be doing all the household chores and responsibilities, etc. He said the large majority of each session was the therapist bringing me up and blaming me. Which in turn upset my husband and made him not trust his therapist. He knows that we have to work together, but he does not feel it is right to put all the blame on me, especially when he knows that I already accommodate his ADHD in every aspect of our lives. He thought that as time went on, the therapist would realize that I was not 100% to blame, but that also meant that DH was spending his sessions defending me and trying to prove to his therapist that it was not all my fault. And that shouldn't be the focus of the session anyway. Basically, DH didn't trust his therapist, and therefore wouldn't even try anything she suggested. Now that he has severed ties with her, he feels more free to do his own research and figure out what will and won't work for him. For now I'm ok with this. We agreed that if he goes back to his old ways, he will start with a new therapist in January.
Since he quit therapy, we haven't had a fight (only minor disagreements that have been handled easily without it blowing up). His whole demeanor has also changed for the better, which I think is because he doesn't feel like he has to be defending me all the time. Actually, now that I think about it, we fought more while he was in therapy than we have at any other point in our relationship. I guess that should have been a warning sign. Anyway, I am very proud of him for all the effort he has put in thus far (and let him know that). Believe me, none of it goes unnoticed! I feel much more hopeful and not as weighed down as I did before. Good things all around!
I am pleased to hear that
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
I am pleased to hear that things are looking up. Your husband is wise to ditch that therapist. Run, don't walk, from any therapist that tries to blame you for this. Far too many of them rely on the "one-size-fits-all" approach - the "it takes two to tango" stuff where you are told that each has to compromise, share the blame 50-50, etc. etc. ADHD couples actually get worse when that approach is taken. You may not always have reacted in the best way, but ultimately this all rests with his ADHD - if it weren't for that, you would likely be a completely different person around him.