Well, my new friends in ADHD, my purchase of the book I was hoping would help save things and bring about new understanding is actually backfiring.
My wife, who is only about a fourth of the way into the book is now using what she is reading against me. Saying things like "you see what your doing wrong, do you see now why I'm so mad and what you are not doing". She just about threw it at me yesterday in anger.
Do you see what I mean in my last post about "owing her" how negative and narrow minded she is? She was primping quite early this morning and I asked where she was going and she just said she didn't know. Then 10 min later says I'm going to look at and price an apartment for me. So she is just bailing or is making a threat. I think the later. She can't afford that unless she is hoarding more money than I already suspect.
So the communication line closed once again. She won't talk about anything. This started while we were walking the dogs yesterday all the while griping about how I let one run free down our dead end street. I said something about that was something nice about when we lived in the country. The dogs could run free and have all the fun they wanted. Well we lost one to the highway on the edge of the property and she very rudely and satirically said "oh yeah, if you want them killed". Well I felt I was saying something cheerful and positive and as quite usual she just sees and tells me about the wrong in what I just said. She does this constantly. If I say something it's wrong.... No matter what! All I want in this matter is to stop being so negative about EVERYTHING. Oh, and keep communications open always. Don't shut the door!
Apartment hunting!? Good luck paying an apartment rent and a house mortgage! (On a teacher's salary)
Ok, seriously listen to what
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Ok, seriously listen to what I am saying here. Give. Her. Time. Do not focus on her, her reactions etc. let her be angry, she probably has every right to it. Let her express it and get it out. As a no. ADHD spouse who has had to live on eggshells with out expressing anger or frustration because of exactly what you are doing is causing me to give up on my relationship.
go back and read my replies to your other post.
Focus on you. Focus on improving your behavior. Accept her anger and her reactions and be UNDERSTANDING of them. Why on earth would she react in any other way? She has been taking care of you and putting up with a lot from you...your own words. Let her get this out, let her express it and do not panic, shut down and run away. That is the worst thing you can do. Tell her she has the right to feel how she feels, that you know your responsibility for it, and that you are focusing on retraining your brain to control and manage the symptoms.
Then. DO it. Do not say it and the next day decide it's too hard. That's being a coward. Wake up every day and make it your mission in life to learn how to manage your issues to make a better you, a better life for you, and that will show her you are genuine. You are not working right? If that is the case then your whole focus should be meeting her needs, be it taking care of the house hold and supporting her in any way that she is willing to allow you. You have already broken her trust it seems from your behavior. And it looks like you are going to use her reactions as an excuse to continue on this path of victim hood and blaming everyone but yourself.
if not you are wasting your time and hers, and clearly this is just another thing for you to whine about and blame for the circumstance you are in and pinning your own unhappiness on your wife and marriage. Life is too short for that crap.
Crayon A Bit of Advise for You
Submitted by kellyj on
If I were to stop anything here.....is stop listening to what your wife is telling you your doing wrong...and look at everyone of those situations you find yourself and ask yourself...."what did I do wrong here?" No matter what she says. She's only saying what "she see's that's wrong".....that won't tell you anything really. Look at yourself and see what you're doing wrong and forget about what she says. Those words she says will not provide you with the answer your looking for.
But on her behalf...you're doing something in the moment that's pissing her off. In the moment. You did something before that...that already made her angry and your not seeing that part.
Quit looking at the trees and step back and look at the forest.
Cause and effect my friend. The cause is what happened before in the past.
Look at your own past behavior....that's where you'll get your answer.
Understand or know....WHY..... she does things and says things NOW.
What she does NOW....comes from YOUR PAST Behavior.
J
We might be back in business!
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
Wow jee wiz what a moment in the sun!
my wife and I had a talk and while she still maintains she is done...done fighting this thing etc. it looks like I may still have a chance at bringing my dead horse back to life.
I managed to get her to listen for a moment and was able to explain we have a whole new set is circumstances. New tools, new Meds, and new outlook. With all of this we can make it work.
She doesn't want to "work" anymore but I got her to let me do the work and she believes me when I say say we have a new set of tools. The new Meds really helped push that over.
She started reading the book again and even got a kick out of a scenario mentioned that was us in a nut shell.
HOPE I SEE.....HOPE ON THE HORIZON !!!!!!!
Crayon - that is wonderful!
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Crayon - that is wonderful! Perhaps when she says "she is not wanting to do the work anymore" what she means is she isnt willing to do the work ALONE anymore?
If you can set the example, work on your own issues, focus on being a better YOU, focus on meeting HER needs - dont worry about her not meeting yours (she has done this for 7 years with little in return - she deserves this from you with out having to put in anything to do it).
Look at it this way - you guys came together and each of you had a bank account where you deposited love. You take from that account to GIVE love as well. I suspect your wife's account is empty, or even overdrawn right now after doing the work of being your angel and savior. :-). Focus on filling up her account. Even if she glares at you, tells you she doesnt care etc. Still deposit that love, learn to meet her needs of affection. DO things for her. SHOW her, you cant just *say* it. Death to the relationship comes when you say or speak you are going to try and do things and then turn around and dont. Maybe this has been a cycle? If so - break it. Every day, focus on meeting a need for her. Do the work of figuring it out with out having to ask her. Bring her hand picked flowers. Write her a little note telling her she is beautiful and thank you for sticking with her. Even if you are not FEELING it, you know deep down you want this to work or you would not be here and you would not have posted what you ahve.
You CAN recover this and create an amazing marriage that others will be envious of. All it will take is for you to DO it. DO IT until she trusts you enough to start doing it herself.
YOU GOT THIS CRAYON. DONT GIVE UP on yourself and let that negativity and fear of failure stop you.
Crayon - this is from my
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Crayon - this is from my heart completely. You have seen the pain and anger of my posts, and you have seen my posts of acceptance and letting go and moving on.
Had my husband done what I am reccomending to you- and did it faithfully with out expectations from me - my posts here would be different. They would be in the Hope and Progress forum. They would be of me proclaiming how proud I was of my H for stepping up and doing the work of improving himself. Of becoming the man he always said he wanted to be. And while it might have take a while - even a few weeks of dedicated behavioral work on his part (notice I didnt say SUCCESS here - I know the difference between trying and falling down versus not trying at all) I would have been open to it. Even small gestures on his part.
So - I hope that gives you a little hope, that even someone in the place I am at would not count out everything, and it sounds like that while she might be at a bad point, she can STILL come around if you do your part.
Any update Crayon?
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Has she started seeing things a little better? It might take a long time - dont let that discourage you if it does.
Crayon....Tell Her This For Me
Submitted by kellyj on
"I'll let you know when that horse is dead " (speaking for yourself only ) It's not dead until you say it is right?
J
You know - when i read your
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
You know - when i read your comment, a scene from Return of the King popped in my head, when Faramir's father Denethor attempts to set him on fire, saying he was dead, when he was only injured and unconscious. Faramir was alive... but the ONE person who should be protecting him was trying to kill him because of some mis-focussed anger and resentment. He almost succeeds until Pippin fights to save Faramir because he KNOWS he isnt dead when everyone else believe's Denethor.
When I see my H right now - I see 2 people, I see who he really is - and I think of him like Faramir.... injured, but not dead - and I see this mask he is wearing - the one that believes the negativity from those monsters in his head, the one that thinks his real self is broken and too damaged - I see THAT part of him as Denethor who is trying to destroy him as to not have the "problem of dealing with him" anymore. Man - putting it in that context really helps me differentiate between the two people that my H really is.
:-(