I (male, 52) have ADD. My son (15) has ADHD. My wife (47) and daughter (14) have no similar condition. I have been a well paid executive for many years. But I've been in and out of work. I've been fired 3 times for (in my view) no good reason. My face simply does not seem to fit, despite often outstanding performance. I've been unemployed for 2 1/2 years in the past 12 years (we've been married 17 years). We've had to down size our house twice previously to compensate for my loss of income. My wife has gone from part-time, medium grade management roles to full-time, executive roles on two occasions, not out of choice, but to compensate for my lack of job/earnings. When returning to employment, I've often had to take junior roles, with a commensurate hit to earnings, and work my way up again. I really try to get it right at work. I've been medicated for about 4 years (I've been sacked twice in that time - by that measure, the meds seem to be making things worse!). I was last fired in Jan 2016. My wife was promoted at that same time to a very senior role. So we've had a (enforced) role reversal. Sounds good, but it isn't. My wife wants to work part time at a more modest level and look after the kids. I want to work, to give my wife the arrangement she wants. Neither of us have what we want. Should I go back to work and my wife step towards her preferred level? My going back to work would mean: a) lower household income; and b) - and more importantly - the risk of me being fired again (we cannot take / afford many more financial hits). We would do this for sure if I could rely on my employer judging me on my performance, as opposed to my personality (I don't feel odd, but people (at all levels) often seem to take against me). I am racked with guilt for putting my wife in a position she does not desire. She is racked with earnings pressure, work-related stress and feeling too far removed from our children. What to do? My wife is worried about me, and about our son. She is torn between being a financial provider and being a parent. I am torn between trying to help my wife get into a situation she prefers and potentially making things worse for her. Truthfully, I don't mind which role I fulfill - earner or parent (I cannot easily do both, as there is no local employment for the skills I have in the industry in which I work). I do realise I'm lucky to have a stunning, capable wife. I guess this comes down to my worries about my wife. Hoe should i best support her? Should I encourage her to stay in her work role, find new ways to include her in the kids' activities and lives and try and make her current set-up more bearable to her, or should I go back to work and let her take on the role she wants, accepting that may bring my job insecurity risks? Thoughts and ideas on this issue especially, but on other issues too, would be welcomed. Thanks
Pressures upon a spouse
Submitted by Ian B on 01/04/2017.
Hoe should i best support her?
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Ask her this question. Only she can answer it. You cant answer it for her. It is not something that we can determine. Are you willing to do what she says she needs from you? Even if it means that supporting her means that you have to seek another job and labor to keep it?
I admire you for really wanting to move from thought into action to help her.
Thanks for the note. You're
Submitted by Ian B on
Thanks for the note. You're right. I can't determine what best suits her. Only she can. I am willing to support, whatever that takes. I've asked her, as you suggested. On the one hand she wants to move to her preferred position of part time work and more time with the kids.......on the other hand she's afraid if I become the primary earner, I'll end up being fired again and we'll really be in trouble financially. I see her dilemma. At the moment we're trying to get her work life balance better, with her spending one hour less a day at work and using that time with the children. We'll see how that goes. Please let me know any other thougths you have. Thanks
Ian B A Thought?
Submitted by kellyj on
You talk about what your wife wants, her dilemma and her fears? My thought is....what do you want, what is your dilemna and what are your fears? Knowing that first...might help you decide what to do?
And then once you know that? What are going to do about it? That might be the question I might ask myself first...before going to your wife and asking her anything or at least...told her what you think? It won't really change what you think or feel about this....but at least it might tell you what to do once your wife knows the answers to these questions she has for herself? Honestly...if it were me? I'd get back on that horse and flog that nag until the sun stops shining? Just a thought?
J
Your VIEW doesn't count when you work for others....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I've been fired 3 times for (in my view) no good reason.)
My suggestion Ian B is that you should revisit this area of your life, (get real w/ the reason's you were given for being let go, no matter if you agree or not) you and your wife's dreams about the future have a better chance of coming true...Your are either the unluckiest man I know (poor job choices) or you need to dig a little deeper into every aspect of your living of life....(As we all should)...The desire to feel good about ourselves really hinders reality....
It is my experience (37 years for the same employer promoted 7 times internally during those years). If a person has character (don't excuse themselves for misdeeds) and is faithful, (thankful w/ a solid work ethic) a good attitude (kind & works well with others) Timely, (show's up when they are scheduled)....This type employee will be valued...In the US, companies are begging for workers that can be counted on in these areas....
I don't know you, so this is no judgment or accusation....It's just the facts of life as I've experienced it....
Best wishes going forward....
C
Investigate
Submitted by SG on
I agree with what was said above in taking a bit closer look at the reasons why you were let go from your other jobs. One thing I know about people with ADHD is they are very creative and can be brilliant at whatever they are interested in. My husband has ADHD and he is all of those things. I think his talent is the only reason why he still has a job because he very often runs into conflict with others at work. He often feels like the problems are created by other people and not of his own doing. I find it hard sometimes because I know that he created the problems by not handling them professionally and/or appropriately. I often try to give light suggestion on how to deal with his conflicts however he rarely takes my advice and often gets upset with what I suggest. If you are truly committed to being the one to work full time it would be a good idea to investigate why you were fired before and what you can do differently so that it doesn't happen again.
Best of luck to you!
I Agree With You C
Submitted by kellyj on
It's not your view of yourself and what you think is the problem...it is what your employer thinks and how well you give (them what they want?) and realizing...there is a reason ( and being aware of that reason what ever it is ) that people are annoyed or what ever it is that would cause an employer to fire you or let you go?
I haven't ever been fired myself personally....but that doesn't mean there were never conflicts with some of my ADHD symptoms in respect to others I have worked with? Having said that....the things that you mentioned are the things that make a business run and a lot of water can be let under the bridge...if you are that person yourself? Meaning...if you are the person that provides your employer with the purpose that brings money in the door and you can do that part better than anyone else as your goal....then your personality will be less important...as long as that in itself...is not causing a disruption to the workings of the business in some way?
It may not seem fair....but I always knew ( even before I had ADHD ) that striving not just to be good enough...but to be better in some way than other employees pretty much guaranteed that when push comes to shove....my employer will always know where their bread is buttered and if was doing that better ( not just acceptable )...I always had a job to look forward to and knew if I was doing that part which is really the only reason to open the doors in the first place? Personality will only get you so far.....but money makes the world go around in a business of any kind? The person who can provide the kind of service that brings more bang for the buck....will be of value to everyone since it will make the business ( and your employer ) look good. (not you necessarily? )
And if you have ADHD and you have to work a little harder to get there....then so be it....you do what you have to....to make ends meet?
J
I agree--and I've been there.
Submitted by jthall on
Ian, I also have ADHD (emphasis on the H), and while I've never been *fired* from a job, I have been laid off and I've been passed over for promotions a few times. I have some extremely valuable skills that I contribute wherever I work, but I also have some issues, and it is those issues that have hurt me. I have a hard time listening, I tend to talk over other people and interrupt (yes even the boss sometimes), and I get bored easily so I've been known to browse the Internet in jobs that don't like that sort of thing. When I tried for supervisor at one job, they told me I wasn't being a good role model by that behavior. If you've ever gotten feedback from past jobs, think hard on what they told you, and figure out how to fix whatever they didn't like. As JJamieson said, it's about pleasing your employer, no matter what your viewpoint might be on the matter. (Bleagh. I know.)
My best job was being a technical writing consultant at home where I could be distracted by everything under the sun and make my own hours, because I had a clear goal and deliverables, so I simply did whatever needed to be done to get those deliverables in on time. Unfortunately, that's contract work, which tends to be short term and specialized, so it's not great for long-term stability. In fact, I was laid off again last October when my client (the state), decided to move away from the type of products I produce to a different type of product that I don't produce (videos and website creation). I'm now working at a job that pays less than one half of what I was making in the most rigid and boring environment ever, and it sucks, but I'm the only breadwinner so that's just how it has to be. I try to look back and figure out what I should have done in prior jobs to avoid these kinds of messes. I think you should also. Some of the hard truths may frustrate and hurt you, but it will help you with your goal of a happy family and wife.
Good luck and I hope you find something better. I'm working on it myself.