I'll spare the details and get to the point ... my ADD wife has heard enough times that she doesn't pay attention, doesn't listen, talks over people, etc and she gets that. However, her strategy now is to "pretend to pay attention." She'll be watching tv and on the computer and I'll talk to her and she won't look up from her computer or tv (whatever has her attention at that moment) and then when I have finished talking, she'll reply with an inappropriate response or an inappropriate facial expression (in the past she'd simply stay in whatever zone she was in). When I say, "did you hear me correctly?" she'll repeat what I've said back to me word for word and then try to defend her inappropriate response. This doesn't happen every time. Sometimes when I say the "punch line" again, she realizes her first response was inappropriate and then is in the moment with me. This is happening more and more and it makes me feel lonely. One reason I feel lonely or insignificant is that I know she would never treat someone else this way, she'd give them her undivided attention. How do I get around this behavior?
Pretending to pay attention
Submitted by Caboose on 11/07/2014.
Talks over people
Submitted by Standing on
Hi, Sounds like your wife does not tune in to other people, either?
When you say that she would never treat someone else this way, do you mean the inappropriate responses or the lack of eye contact?
I suspect that she is hearing words you've said, but not processing their meaning. That's typical around here, but it's not only with me... it's everyone.
Stimulant medication seemed to help with focus and processing, for awhile, but honestly... the only thing you personally can do to get through this issue is to make the conscious decision not to take her behavior personally. Since you are likely the one person with whom she spends the most time, naturally you are experiencing her at all of the times when she is not at her best. And - - I don't know how to say this in a way that doesn't sound bad, but... you are not new and shiny, so you don't spark optimal response. In my Non-expert opinion, this does not mean your wife doesn't love you and care for you, only means her brain does not work like yours and requires much more of a jolt to kick into gear, so she's not present for so many of those common little interchanges that you can have with a non-add person. I'm sorry, it is tough.
My spouse ( my husband) does
Submitted by maplechic on
My spouse ( my husband) does this too, He is legitimately-actually half deaf so for in part sometimes it is down to that and I know if I am on the wrong side he will not hear me and so I need to pull his good ear to me or be on the other side. However its not always the reason. Sometimes I know he can hear me, I am on the right side etc, and he will not respond or act like he is listening to me as I go on about something and then says What? Indicating- he was not listening even though he made the motions he was. Frustrating yes, I know! So have to stop myself periodically and get him to tell me straight if he heard me, you might want to kindly quiz your wife on what you just were telling her, so you know Ok she heard me, she isn't pretending, less frustration for you and her because she doesn't have to do the pretend thing she can actually acknowledge what you said especially if it is important and you need her feedback..
i doubt that is true...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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One reason I feel lonely or insignificant is that I know she would never treat someone else this way, she'd give them her undivided attention. How do I get around this behavior?
>>>
I'm sure she has treated many people that way. Sounds like she's inattentive. Well, if she is, she's not only inattentive to you.
Why are you trying to talk to her when she's watching TV or on her computer? If she's watching TV, and there is a Dvr, then ask her to pause. ...then talk. But don't abuse that.
Punch line...
Submitted by Kansasry on
I hear you. My spouse is the same way and he knows it.
When in therapy he said that it's my style of conversation that makes him tune out or talk over me to change the subject or high jack the topic. He said he only wanted the headline or punch line. If, and only if, he asks for more detail then I could provide more. Such limits on our conversations, yet I hear him on the phone all the time and that's not how the conversations go with friends, co-workers and family. They are active, engaged and 2 sided, unlike ours.
I can only assume that due to the stimulation our ADHD partners need, that the people they are in constant and long term contact with just can't give them what their brains need to stay focused and be present.
With my husband, it's his phone. He can't leave the room without it. We will be "talking" his phone will ding either with a text or a facebook update and he stops what we are doing to engage with the phone. He does it on our dates too. I've asked him not to but, he can only hold back for 2 weeks and then he's back at it.
I don't have a solution, sadly.