Hello there!
This is my first time for commenting on this site and after months of reading other people's comments it seems only fair and proper that I put my penny's worth in! First I must say that Melissa and Dr. Hallowell have shown great patience and understanding in all the help and advice they've given, as well as their time. I'm sure there are plenty of us out there that really appreciate their efforts and long may they continue to do so! And then there are those who have been brave enough to "bare their souls" on here by relating the issues they've all faced. Well done! It's not easy to tell total strangers the problems that some of us face on a daily basis, not knowing if anybody listens or takes us seriously as this is such a delicate subject, especially with some people being more sensitive than others.
Well maybe its my turn to bare my soul. It has taken me a long time to pluck up the nerve to come here and say my piece. I suppose the best place to start is the beginning; I was born in 1958 so I grew up in the '60s. Back then here in UK there was certainly no knowledge of ADHD. So when I was running all over the place creating all kinds of mayhem, hardly sleeping even as a baby, and getting into fights at school and other behavioural problems and nobody understood why, including my parents, I was told by my Doctor that I was hyperactive and my Mum advised not to let me drink orange squash (which I hate anyway) and my teachers viewed me as a "problem child" - thanks a lot! Throughout my teens despite having the craziest sense of humour possible, I also had a real nasty temper. I won't bore anyone with too much detail, but after getting married at 24 and then as time went by I fathered 3 kids. I've loved my kids and always will, but although we had a lot of fun there were a lot of times that I blew my top simply because I couldn't cope with the responsibility of parenthood. I've never handled responsibility well, and get hopelessly frustrated . I NEVER hit my wife (now ex) or my kids in anger, instead I would lash out and punch the walls, kick the furniture, throw things, and of course this would scare people. In my 30's I decided to get anger management and through one of the courses I was told about ADHD. I saw my Doctor who sent me to a therapist who in turn diagnosed me as ADHD and I got a book all about it; how it affects kids and adults alike who have it, and reading this book was like reading my life story!
My next problem was that I was too proud and arrogant to really take the whole thing seriously. I used to think: "if that's how I am then its not my problem its other people's if they can't cut me some slack". Stupid really! Of course it was my problem but as I've already said, male pride got in the way. Eventually after 22 years of marriage my ex divorced me for "unreasonable behaviour". I don't blame her really as I should and could have done something about it if only I could have seen how it was REALLY affecting my kids. I've been divorced now for 10 years, no romance in that time, and although life is too short for regrets I do have 2 - watching my parents die and being a lousy father. During the last 10 years I've had a heart attack that left me with unstable angina, but surprisingly the hyperactivity has settled since the attack. ADHD runs through my Dad's side of the family whereas heart disease runs through both sides.
So everyone who has ADHD please do whatever it takes to get treated for this condition as quickly as you can, especially if you're married otherwise you could find your partner showing you the door as it is not easy living with ADHD or living with someone that has it. So be patient, get ALL the help you can as nothing hurts more than knowing you could have done something earlier in life as long as pride doesn't get in the way, and also knowing that your grown-up kids want nothing to do with you anymore. That sucks! But we reap what we sow I suppose, so please consult your doctor if necessary, may Melissa and Co. keep this site going as its so nice to know you're NOT the only one having to live with this thing. I'm better now but it cost me a lot domestically along the way!
Mr. Ellis Green
Thank you for sharing your
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like a LOT like my H and his father. Unfortunately, H's mom never stopped H's dad from his horrible behavior, so H never realized how bad his dad's behaviors were....and so H thought it was ok to do the same.
H also seems to think that everyone should cut him some slack. You're farther along in that you now realize that isn't the right attitude to have.
My H, after 60 years, has finally come to terms with how scared they were of their father. H hasn't yet come to terms with the idea that OUR kids and I were afraid of H's anger and outbursts.
I hope you have apologized to your ex-W and kids for what they witnessed and the fear that they experienced.
Yes I have; she's now married
Submitted by Mr. Ellis Green on
Yes I have; she's now married to someone else. I went and stayed with my eldest 3 times and had my youngest stay with me twice. My son doesn't want to know. I put this message on here to encourage others to do something positive before they end up divorced, not get slagged off even though I deserve it.
Hello Ellis...
Submitted by c ur self on
I love the honesty in your post...The self awareness...It should be the goal for us all; I hate regrets also....This ability to understand ourselves; and face ourselves is what humbles us and causes us to be able to get healing and live in a more responsible manner...My wife suffers w/ very severe add; she takes an adderall or two each day, it seem's to help her focus enough to hold her job, which is good...I'm sure I'm probably a little adhd in some area's....(I just got of caffeine again:), I'm calmer and more patient when I leave it off) We are complete opposites...But, like you say when we start taking responsibility for our own issues...loose the blame and denial....We can find peace....Many people do pretty well in their own environments; but those environments can be pretty intrusive on a spouse...I've learned to really feel for the people on this site....I know their situations are painful...
The only way a counselor or therapist can help any of is, is to get us to look inward...(sadly not many want to do that, it's easier to point a finger) My wife and I went to counseling for 8 and half month a couple of years ago...I finally just told them I wouldn't be back....She didn't want a counselor she wanted a referee:)
C