Our Live Couples' Seminar starts on Jan 22, 2025! Register HERE!
Looking for a little more support? Join one of our Non-ADHD Partner Support Groups. First support group starts on Jan 13, 2025. Find all our support group options HERE.
Turn your knowledge into actionable steps to improve your relationship. Join us on Jan 14, 2025 to learn about our new program, Intent 2 Action. Sign up NOW.
Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
It is progress. When i'm running late, and I know that i've f*cked up again and I know that my husband knows that I f*cked up again, and he knows that I know that HE knows that I f*cked up again, it really helps if he doesn't point out the obvious and/or make fun of me. The panic/humiliation/frustration when he DID do this would send me into a confusion/shut-down & make me even later.
Whatever the mistake is, rubbing someone's nose in it does Nothing good. I don't do that to anyone and when it is done to me it Really hacks me off. Like I need someone to tell me when I screwed up... Unless I just totally don't see the mistake.
Your comment really struck me, YYZ. The times that my husband has been late and I've commented, it has been not with the intent to rub his nose in the problem but because I, a very punctual and time-conscious person, thought that he obviously did not know what time it was, because if he did, how could he still be standing around instead of rushing to his car to leave. So again, we have different perspectives, with the nonADD spouse providing what she thinks is helpful information and the ADD spouse possibly taking this as criticism.
My running late situation was just an illustration. The funny thing is at our circus, is "I" am the Most On-Time person in our household. My "Timeliness" took a long time to create. Sometime around age 30, I was SO SICK of being 10 minutes late to Everything that I forced myself to Alter Perception and in the process take at least a little anxiety away from my life. The ADD Fog with it's awful Time Awareness Benefit really make the "Being Late" issue tough to cure.
As far as the Basic "I screwed up, forgot to do, broke" which everyone does of course, I believe the key reason for different perceptions is literally different reactions to the others mistakes. I realize the reaction to mistakes can be muddied by the history of the couple, but I have made so many mistakes that I did not mean to make or did not realize how the action/inaction affected those around me that I am quite sympathetic to a mistake by my DW. My DW is a pleaser by nature and is constantly worrying about how things she does affect people, sees her mistakes and immediately beats herself up. Because of this worrier nature and my past laid-back "Not Worry" nature there is the belief that my standards should be closer to her standards. The net effect is it is more common for my DW to get mad at my mistakes/errors and point them out because she thinks I won't see them or think of the consequences, which Equals "More for her to worry about".
This issue is So difficult because for it to improve we both have to react in ways in which we are not naturally wired. "Work in Progress" :)
How can the nonADHD mate know if it is a mistake that you see and just don't want commented on, or it is a mistake that you don't see at all?
Seriously I often can't tell with my husband therefore I probably err more on the side of commenting more often than not commenting. I hate to think I am making him feel worse about something he notices that he messed up, but I can't honestly say that HIS behavior is much different over a mistake that it turns out he did notice or one that he didn't. He pretty much seems to operate on a non-reaction plane....
He very much has a good dose of XYZ's laid back non-worrier personality, and I am the one that is more stressed out and trying to keep him from putting more things on my plate because honestly, whether it is the intention or not, many things you forget/do not do end up having to get done by us...often because we are the one who notices.
We have been babysitting my brother's three kids for the week and believe you me the 'not noticing' has added a TON of work to me since he loves playing with them but doesn't notice that there is cleaning up needing to be done.
I think this is a real difficult area between the ADDer and the Non-ADDer. I know when I miss something which adds to my DW's plate, it is hard for her to believe I'm not Conveniently Missing something. Believing this, of course, makes her mad and brings it up to me. Now I'm caught off guard and feel bad that I missed it, then get upset that she would believe that I missed something with intent.
I don't miss nearly as much these days, but this dance still occurs from time to time. Both of us need to adjust a bit, I need to continue to be more observant and my DW needs to try to not assume the worst. Not easy for either of us, but it will help.
Maybe change how you comment on something? Instead of "You forgot this" try something like "Hun did you forget this or are you putting it off for later?" Asking and giving the benefit of the doubt.
ouch
Submitted by ellamenno on
I'm always on the other side of this scenario!
It is progress. When i'm running late, and I know that i've f*cked up again and I know that my husband knows that I f*cked up again, and he knows that I know that HE knows that I f*cked up again, it really helps if he doesn't point out the obvious and/or make fun of me. The panic/humiliation/frustration when he DID do this would send me into a confusion/shut-down & make me even later.
so... yay for little victories!
I couldn't have said it better, Ellamenno!
Submitted by YYZ on
Whatever the mistake is, rubbing someone's nose in it does Nothing good. I don't do that to anyone and when it is done to me it Really hacks me off. Like I need someone to tell me when I screwed up... Unless I just totally don't see the mistake.
Your comment really struck
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Your comment really struck me, YYZ. The times that my husband has been late and I've commented, it has been not with the intent to rub his nose in the problem but because I, a very punctual and time-conscious person, thought that he obviously did not know what time it was, because if he did, how could he still be standing around instead of rushing to his car to leave. So again, we have different perspectives, with the nonADD spouse providing what she thinks is helpful information and the ADD spouse possibly taking this as criticism.
You are right about "Perceptions" Night / Day :)
Submitted by YYZ on
My running late situation was just an illustration. The funny thing is at our circus, is "I" am the Most On-Time person in our household. My "Timeliness" took a long time to create. Sometime around age 30, I was SO SICK of being 10 minutes late to Everything that I forced myself to Alter Perception and in the process take at least a little anxiety away from my life. The ADD Fog with it's awful Time Awareness Benefit really make the "Being Late" issue tough to cure.
As far as the Basic "I screwed up, forgot to do, broke" which everyone does of course, I believe the key reason for different perceptions is literally different reactions to the others mistakes. I realize the reaction to mistakes can be muddied by the history of the couple, but I have made so many mistakes that I did not mean to make or did not realize how the action/inaction affected those around me that I am quite sympathetic to a mistake by my DW. My DW is a pleaser by nature and is constantly worrying about how things she does affect people, sees her mistakes and immediately beats herself up. Because of this worrier nature and my past laid-back "Not Worry" nature there is the belief that my standards should be closer to her standards. The net effect is it is more common for my DW to get mad at my mistakes/errors and point them out because she thinks I won't see them or think of the consequences, which Equals "More for her to worry about".
This issue is So difficult because for it to improve we both have to react in ways in which we are not naturally wired. "Work in Progress" :)
Completely serious question...
Submitted by Aspen on
How can the nonADHD mate know if it is a mistake that you see and just don't want commented on, or it is a mistake that you don't see at all?
Seriously I often can't tell with my husband therefore I probably err more on the side of commenting more often than not commenting. I hate to think I am making him feel worse about something he notices that he messed up, but I can't honestly say that HIS behavior is much different over a mistake that it turns out he did notice or one that he didn't. He pretty much seems to operate on a non-reaction plane....
He very much has a good dose of XYZ's laid back non-worrier personality, and I am the one that is more stressed out and trying to keep him from putting more things on my plate because honestly, whether it is the intention or not, many things you forget/do not do end up having to get done by us...often because we are the one who notices.
We have been babysitting my brother's three kids for the week and believe you me the 'not noticing' has added a TON of work to me since he loves playing with them but doesn't notice that there is cleaning up needing to be done.
Difficult to answer...
Submitted by YYZ on
I think this is a real difficult area between the ADDer and the Non-ADDer. I know when I miss something which adds to my DW's plate, it is hard for her to believe I'm not Conveniently Missing something. Believing this, of course, makes her mad and brings it up to me. Now I'm caught off guard and feel bad that I missed it, then get upset that she would believe that I missed something with intent.
I don't miss nearly as much these days, but this dance still occurs from time to time. Both of us need to adjust a bit, I need to continue to be more observant and my DW needs to try to not assume the worst. Not easy for either of us, but it will help.
Maybe change how you comment
Submitted by summerwine on
Maybe change how you comment on something? Instead of "You forgot this" try something like "Hun did you forget this or are you putting it off for later?" Asking and giving the benefit of the doubt.