I am not married... yet.. but I know my bf who has ADHD plans to ask me to marry him in the coming week and I love him without a doubt and known him for over 5 years, but I am worried about being able to continue handling his ADHD when it has already caused issues, it started out so wonderful he was as i've seen it referred to as "hyperfocused" on me, but now that I have been living with him it is like the newness wore off and I find it harder and harder to get his attention from his computer and phone onto me. It is so frustrating and I find myself wondering if he still loves me just as much and I try to see the good things he does, but it tends to be hard, what can I do to keep myself in perspective and prepare for a lifetime dealing with his ADHD?
Prospective ADHD marriage
Submitted by SilentMaiden95 on 08/04/2017.
Great Question......Stick with reality vs emotion.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(It is so frustrating and I find myself wondering if he still loves me just as much and I try to see the good things he does, but it tends to be hard, what can I do to keep myself in perspective and prepare for a lifetime dealing with his ADHD?)
Since there are no magic bullets that allow us to change another person, or the mind they live in, I suggest you just accept him like he is.....Then ask yourself, if your current life style w/ him is the one you want to live out the remainder of your days on this earth in?...Is this what I would choose for myself? Because you get what you see!
Before he asks you to marry... You might want to set him down and explain to him that his current way of living is unacceptable to you... And maybe, just give him a simple list of the behaviors that must change before you can move forward with him....I'm not saying people can't change....I'm just saying he must see the need himself or you are wasting your time....
He will go one way or the other....He will hear you, agree you are right, and put energy into changing his habits and behaviors....Or he will defend his right to be himself, regardless the cost to you or your future together....Most people are comfortable in their own skin....Even if that skin isn't fit to be in a 2=1 relationship....Selfishness just doesn't work in marriages....Marriage exposes us.....
Think really hard! You are very important, and life time commitments should be just that. So please don't start off on the wrong foot, it only gets worse, if you are already doubting......."It always takes two doing the work to have a good marriage relationship"
Best wishes and many blessings
C ur self has given some good
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
C ur self has given some good advice.
I'd add that I was much like you, just learning about the ADD affect on relationships prior to marrying my husband and trying to decide if this was worth it. What I've come to realise seven years into this relationship is that I can't change him/get him to accept that he needs to treat his add for our sake. He needs to take that on. He has said many times that he will, and we've done Melissa's course and had five years of couples therapy that I'm finally done with. It hasn't helped much because he is in deep denial that add is a problem he needs to fix. He looks at it as my problem.
Now I am mourning the type of relationship I thought we were going to have/or even the type of relationship I thought was ours for the taking if we treated the add together. I am now looking at our relationship differently and finally accepting that it looks different then I envisioned it being. I think many couples go through this, even those not impacted by ADD. It is just magnified for us.
What I would tell the 28 year old version of myself on the cusp of marriage/enagement?
My husband is devishly handsome, charismatic, energetic, talented, great at his job, and a wonderful father to our two young children. When we are in sync, we are the best team. When we aren't, it's disastrous. In fact, today is our fifth wedding anniversary, and I do wonder from month to month if we'll make it another year. It's challenging, but it's still worth it for me.
I wish you all the best! Whatever you decide.
Everything that HeartsDesire
Submitted by Chevron on
Everything that HeartsDesire has told you, I've had to learn in my still new marriage. A few more things to consider
Are you in good health and able to work long hours? Non ADHD people on this site generally report having to work more hours in the week and pay attention to more things. You've probably run into this already, since you and your BF are living with each other. The workload won't abate after marriage. It may increase.
Are you someone used to solving problems and getting things done, by yourself? You'll need this ability.
Can both you and your future spouse talk frankly? You'll need this. Neither will he think like you nor will you think like him on some parts of married life, so you both will need to say what's on your mind and be listened to.
My spouse and I dont have children in the home. We married late in life, so new babies arriving in a new marriage in which ADHD is present were not in our biological cards. I would encourage you though to read everything that you can on ths board that has been said by people who have lived it what happened in their marriage when the babies started to come. I hope you read their stories about childrearing before you decide to marry.
All best,
Chevron
You definitely need an independent spirit.
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
Great point, Chevron, about being someone who is used to solving problems and getting things done. If you are self-determined, don't mind looking after yourself and don't need to rely on someone, then you will do a lot better in an adhd affected marriage. If you look to a husband as someone who will look after you, be with you a lot and spend 24/7 together, then you will find it difficult and that is not likly to happen (I would say there are pros and cons to both these types of marriages, and I would suffocate in the latter type!). The more you can have an independent spirit and strong self-esteem and can recognize that even if he is distracted, your husband still loves you, the better you will do. If you have weak self esteem and look to your partner for validation, you may be miserable. [I think everyone should work on not needing a partner for validation, not just adhd affected marriages. It just comes to the fore as a bigger problem more quickly when there is adhd] My husband's ex-girlfriend, I think, perceived his distraction with extreme jealousy and anger that she wasn't enough for him.
Life w/ a Scorpio Artist Isn't Easy
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm back with some new revelations and some new things I've just learned about myself and how people can be very different from one another from the outset of their "make up" as I am now seeing this. Without running over old ground here, I was born an Artist which is already getting into a difficult subject to try and explain to people. I'm not going to try and solve this riddle or try and explain it to anyone "who is not one"...but there is a difference and that difference is somewhat "unchangable". If you are born with this "gift" then you have it whether you like it, use it, or do anything with it at all? It's still there and it's just part of that person and it comes with everything as a package and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Like it? Or not?unchangable". If you are born with this "gift" then you have it whether you like it, use it, or do anything with it at all? It's still there and it's just part of that person and it comes with everything as a package and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Like it? Or not?
Most telling to me, about "why?" this is so difficult to try and convince anyone that "yes, I'm different than you" can actually be explained through some research that has come to light and the science of sociology and psychology and that is ( now as I am understanding this better ) nd how what "you believe" is so important. Bottom line here.....if you tend to favor ...."what you believe.....ie" your "belief system" and how you process information and experiences"......over ....."science or scientific data and evidence of fact" then you are likely to run into more trouble with someone who is the opposite of you? An Artist / Scientist....are more akin to one another than any other two "labels" you can combine in fact.....I'd say they are synonymous with one another....so that is a good way to see it here? Are you a Scientist.......or are you a Believer? Pick one......there are only two choices here as I'm saying this for argument sake.
I've pulled a bunch of quotes from different articles I've read just to use as some examples of what I'm saying? The first one made me bust up laughing because I recognize myself in it so much, that I had to include it here just to start: .
"Before he had devoted himself to art, Van Gogh tried to be a minister among poor miners in Belgium. "He just frightened and overwhelmed people," says Locke. "He was too intense to act effectively in that capacity."
I cannot begin to tell you how much I resemble this last statement both in my experience as a result and in how I am. Intense. I've been called that so many times, that there is no way I can deny it. Moving on. LOL
If you take the context of Van Gogh, trying to be a Religious Minister of I'm sure "Christiantiy" to a bunch of poor minors if you can picture this....the reason as I have come to understand better as to "why they are afraid and overwhelmed...cam fro this very fascinating article on this very topic? The "two types" of people there are in this world apparently.....that is not so subjective after all? I do not want to get "politics" mixed up here into this discussion, but the article uses this as the frame work to explain this phenomenon? This article itself is entitled .."The Science of Why We Don’t Believe Science" and without going back into it and trying to explain it myself......I am without a doubt in my mind what so ever....the later of the two. The person who bleives in "Science"....first, over what I personally bleieve? But I was born that way....which is exactly what I'm saying? It come with the Artist....and "curiousity" overrides almost everything esle?
In fact, here's the list of what it takes to be a Scientist which reads as follows taken from yet another article to compare the difference:
Here’s a compilation of the best scientists 10 characteristics. For fun, insert your name for the word scientist:
1. Curiosity: good scientists are insatiably curious about life’s ‘every things’. I imagine their favorite word, like most 2-year old’s is ‘WHY’, marrying curiosity with child-like wonder. (Hmm, picture the progeny!) Curiosity can turn any experience into an adventure: it prompts us to act, to take risks. Though I wonder: how will our ability to google everything impact our pursuit of curiosity?
Do we love George because he’s a monkey – or because of his mischievous and enviable curiosity?
2. Open-minded and free of bias: Great scientists are objective. Imagine entering into situations and interactions without prejudice or tight and tiny opinions. Open-minded scientists suspend judgement about findings until they are sure (and scientists really never are). Wait – are eggs good or bad for us this week? That’s one way to look at it. Suspending judgement, like oil in water, allows scientists to continue observing and gathering data, while continuing their search for the best solution and opportunity. Staying open-minded would lighten our load vs. carrying judgements and opinions.
3. Keen observer: Scientists look and listen at information/data. Never knowing what is most important, everything is considered and noted. On the simplest level, it’s applying curiosity, watching and listening, for example, to loved ones behavior and actions, without bias. Improved relationships anyone?
Observing life through a kaleidoscope
4. Resourceful: Scientists look for avenues to explore in unexpected ways. Have you ever seen some of those projects being funded by the National Science Foundation (NSF) or the Federal Government? For starters, I’m sure if I was a scientist I could get the NSF to fund my training for developing these characteristics in students!
5. Purposeful: Scientists (often) believe they can change and improve the world through their research. We’ll assume it’s not all about money or the plot of a Hollywood sic-fi thriller. Imagine applying curiosity and resourcefulness to improve the world: we could be styrofoam free, greenhouse gases would be relegated back to greenhouses, farmers applying the art of fallow could grow pesticide-free crops, and well-written sitcoms would edge out reality TV. Perhaps we could achieve world peace.
6. Good communicator: While scientists are competitive due to funding and Nobel Prizes, they also need to communicate and share information, especially to us, non-scientists. How is that doctors can’t explain a procedure or an ailment without an interpreter? Sadly there are a handful of scientists who make it to the small screen and are deemed understandable: Neil deGrasse Tyson and Carl Sagan to name a few. As I see it, scientific rules and laws simply and clearly mimic our human nature (shameless plug here for all the posts to come on this blog!). And while it’s a scientist’s challenge: science is simple at its core.
7. Persistent: Scientists don’t give up when proving their passion. Consistently, they can pursue the same hypothesis for many, many, years, following good scientific protocol changing one variable at a time. Over time they learn through experimentation, slowly building evidence to prove or disprove their hypothesis. It’s about following dreams – logically. Unlike (me), constantly drenched by chasing rainbows (or butterflies?) muddying my purpose.
Ever notice how all the really cool science stuff is for kids?
8. Creative: Scientists, through observation and open-mindedness come up with new problems and new ways to problem-solve. Einstein said it best: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Personally I am victim to old biases and protocols clogging my creativity. Sadly, the great boxed science experiments on store-shelves and in classrooms all have a set protocol and a ‘right answer’. Creativity uncovers MANY right answers.
9. Critical Thinker: Of course to get the most bang from experimental buck, scientists know all about logical analysis. What’s most critical, is remaining emotion-free, a challenge to many of us. This is problem solving blended with creativity and an exacting methodology, while examining the observed.
10. Courage: Scientists ‘get’ being laughed at for beliefs and hypothesis (even outside of social situations). Is the world really round? Imagine holding strongly to a belief and persistently plotting to prove and accomplish your passion? REAL courage is all about staying open-minded and living without judgement.
Perhaps what I love most about this list is how ubiquitous these characteristics are for any person interested in a full life. Including every manager, parent, friend, and human being. I would be a better person by being a ‘better scientist’. An exploration I can apply purpose and curiosity to!
Sure, scientists may be ‘different’ than you or me, but it’s not what you have – or even who you are: It’s all about what you do with the qualities you posses!.
As far as I'm concerned, there is no difference between an Artist and a Scientist...if you look at this list of charactoristics since, this is also "innate" in me and I was born that way? I didn't have to try and be like this.....I AM like this...and that's exactly to the point. This is not "changeable"...what is "changeable" is what I do with it but......I'm never not going to be this way for as long as I live? And....to "fullfill" "who I am".....I "have to do it". End of story. Nothing is more important that this. Nothing. The best you can hope for with Mother Nature is a tie....but YOU won't win ever win out here? If you need to be the "the most important thing" with me and a "tie" is not "good enough"...then I'm not going to be "good enough" for you.....in just this one example? It is my GOD given "gift" ..and to not use it, would be both a tradegy and really a waste....which would and has only left me in despair each and every time I try and abandone my gift? It is what I was made to do....by design. If I have to do something else I can....but I won't be happy? No "one person" can take the place of what God gave me to do it's as simple as that? If that is the requirement.......or not? The aritcle explains all about this and all the reasons why....and it was almost the most important article I have read in recent times to explain a life time of fighting up against something that I never truely understood until now. With this "Scientific explaination". It's what I need more.....over "value" since "value" to me means something completely different and I see things from a completely different persective than the alternaitve in this case? The link to the article is here but before I move on past this ...I just wanted to include a stand out point the article made that really hit home with me? This is in essense...the way to approach someone in denial and why I have so much trouble with it from my perspective?
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2011/04/denial-science-chris-mooney/ link
As said " Persuading with values first when trying to convince with facts." I cannot begin to tell you, how completely outside the realm of my own understanding this is....but it is what it is, even if I don't understand it? Straight to the point, and there's just no arguing it. Literally speaking and in every way imaginable? LOL That and the concept of "egalitarian communitarians" which again...is "who I am". If you are not this way.....we will not see things eye to eye I can tell you that much right from the start. This just goes with the entire package of "Artist" and "Scientist" and seeing things from that perspective? The "Art of Persuasion"...or as said, "Sales Jobs".....are not my strongest suit and not really what I was designed to do? I can do it....but I basically hate it...and I'm not very effective at "Sales" per se....unless it's "selling" my own Art? I can do that just fine....but it's missing what is needed to be a good sales person? As said...a " good salesperson, can sell shit to a fly" and they can sell anything to anyone......it's making the sale....that drives them in the first place? With me....I got no drive or no pay off so I'm not very good at it? I can be very pursuading as long as I'm invested in it and that comes in a completely different way and a completely different "form". "Form over function"......."fucntion over form"...and which one is it? They are distinctly different approached and are kind of opposites. Depends on your intention....I can do both but one is still different than the other and you have to know what you are or what your intention and motivation is?
The last thing I wanted to add here....I did just for fun but it does have some very remarkably accurate things to it.....but just some, not others but it's defintely in the ball park? The point in me bringing this into it is for a specific purpose. As the article suggests...."Aggressive Traits of a Scorpio"...which is pretty specific. "Aggressive"....vs "Passive"......which I need to make that distinction clear? I am "passive by nature" not "aggressive" but even in this one way of seeing people differently...there are some traits in here that go completely contrary to being "passive" which is why I include this just for fun? When someone pisses me off ( and I got a really really long fuse )......and I warn them, tell them , plead with them....."don't do it....don't cross that line"......I've come to understand at least...through explainations like this.....that tells me even with that......it means, something different than when someone else might say the same thing?
Positive Traits
Loyal
Ambitious
Focused
Intense
Intuitive
Empathic
Negative Traits
Manipulative
Resentful
Secretive and Mysterious
Highly Jealous
Overly Sensitive
Prideful
Here are 10 Scorpio characteristics you should be aware of:
1. Call them sweet poison.
They are vindictive.
Sure, they can be the sweetest people you've ever come across. But if you cross the lines they don't want you to, you have no idea how bad they can be.
Scorpios love killing softly, literally.
They have their own silent therapies sometimes.
2. They're probably the most sexy and confident people in the zodiac.
If you run into a guy who is intriguing and gives you random feels, he has to be a Scorpio.
A Scorpio can make him or herself known to a room full of strangers because of his or her charm.
Scorpios are just way too sexy.
3. Nothing intrigues them more than the dark.
They prefer reading.
They know more about horror or death than they do about other, seemingly light topics.
4. They are jealous as f*ck.
They will only accept undivided attention.
They can be hell to deal with in relationships. It's like they own you.
They are also the most possessive ones in a relationship.
5. They don't fall in love easily, but when they do, there's no looking back.
They always win. So if they have their eyes set on you, they are going to be obsessive just get you.
You want them to be on your side because you know they'll win.
6. Nobody can be more loyal.
So once you have Scorpios' trust and loyalty, they will never betray you.
But if you try to push them harder than their limits, they'll disappear like they never existed.
7. Secrets always stay secrets with them, no matter what.
They are very secretive.
You can trust them blindly with everything you tell them.
This makes them the best friends you can ever have.
8. They are much more sexual than the average sign.
They are sexual beings. For them, love can only be passionate if it has some sexual energy.
They tend to go where others don't even think.
A Scorpio without physical intimacy is like a fish without water.
9. They happen to be the most dominant control freaks.
If a Scorpio wants to get something done, he or she will, no matter what.
Scorpios always love being in control, and they dislike being controlled by others.
10. They love their enemies.
Scorpios love their haters.
They're stronger and more manipulative than anyone else you'll ever meet but,
You don't want to cross them.
https://elitedaily.com/life/culture/things-about-a-scorpio/1279935/
When I say it.....I mean it. The is no "I was just kidding" involved. Favorably....it also said that "Scorpios" don't lie and are extremely loyal. Well, for the most part...that is very true and it is a stand out feature that I agree with along with everything else on the list except......"The Aggressive" part. Everything that has to do with "Aggression"....is way down played with me, to the point that some of it is missing on me.....even if the rest is accurate? "Aggressive" or "Passive" it makes a big different since the..."NEGATIVES" here, have not really been a problem ...except when someone betrays me. When someone betrays me, I have a very hard time getting over it. and in very much like this aritlce suggests.....I have a strong need to make them pay or to "get even" if I am faced with someone who is "Aggressive" with me? This is where ALL the trouble begins and ends right here for me in the past, but hopely I've moved far and away from this ( which I have ) that it is no longer an issue with me?
And in the past, I've made good on that promise since those are not idle words? This is the things that can be so different from one person to the next..and when someone "who is not like this".....decides to ignore my warning and then they are shocked that I wasn't kidding and they get hit....."hard" like "what's your problem....what did you do that for?" And I'm standing there going "What part of what I just said, did YOU not understand?" It coufounds me and compeltely baffles me, that this person is standing there saying "what your problem"...when I told them straight up...."do this...and there will be a problem". And then they do it, and I make good on my promise and do exactly what I said I was going to do...before they chose to do it anyway? And in my mind I'm going........."you've got to be kidding? Right?"
No....that's not right...and if I do follow through...that's not right either. What is right...is that I see things differently...and those words don't mean the same things and get processed compeltely differently than how I do it? How I do it....how I hear it...and how I see it......is different. And no matter how any times I'm confronted with the same thing...I am always going to see it that way in fact....I can't. Bu desing, and how I was born...I was born to see it "one way" vs the other and that's that? What I do with it can be entirely up to me....but I'm still going to see it this way.....but I can also see the other way too? That is the most frustrating part of all.....when I can see "both ways"...but the person in front of me can only see it "one way?" In fact, normally...Ii can see things "many many ways" and they are all 'right" just dependes on the situation? Only seeing things "one way" is limited in my mind...but reallyl, it just limits me and I cannot be creative, if I have to see and do things only "one way"....which is what simply will never work for me? I can compromise just fine...but if I live in Ground Hog Day..where everything is always the same all the time and there is only "one way" to do something kind of "my way or the highway"....then the "highway" is the only choice I have....if I want to be happy? The other person might be perfectly happy doing it "their one right way"......i simply can't be happy....doing it "that one way and only one way...for very long. Variety is the spice of life....with no spice...then life is bland and boring. Nothing to "choose" if that is "your life".
And even though I'm not aboslutely convinced on the ps uedo science of theZodiac....I do think there is something to it, since it cannot be that coincidental that all these things are true. Which they are...so go figure? It is part of who I am, just like the ADHD and just like anything else.....but I think it's good to know if you are one or the other.....there is no "truth in the middle sometimes" but it depends on the person you are with? I see the truth if facts and evidence and science....that's how I get truth...there is no middle ground there and can only be one.....the beutiy of science. There is no argueing the sky is blue......if you say green.....I simple won't argue with you but I will know you are wrong, I just won't say it? More likely than not, but I will be thinking it...unless you come up with some explaination to tell me otherwise. In facts of evidence...not "value judgments" and subjective opinion.
J