My question is do you think people can change.
I made the mistake of going on to another site and making some comments on a subject. I turned my email notifications off for this site so that if people responded to my post I wouldn't be getting notified anymore.
I made a mistake this morning of going back onto this site just to read what other people are posting. I noticed that someone had responded to one of my comments. They blasted me it was horribly critical, and now I'm crying and upset. Not the way I want to start my day.
So my question is this, just in general. Is it possible to marry someone and not really know them? Is it possible to marry someone and have them begin to change so much within the first 6 years or so, so much that you don't know what you got yourself into?
That is what it was like for me and my marriage. No point in justifying my point of view. It took me a long time to recover what happened to me and now all it took was a few comments to bring me back to that point and have me crying again.
I think it's very possible
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Adele,
I think you mentioned you were previously married to a narcissist. I believe if people have not experienced someone with that type of personality disorder in their lives, they just can't understand the absolute nightmare it is. Narcissists are experts at showing the world only what they want to while keeping their real selves hidden. I think absolutely that you could enter a marriage with what appears to be your dream mate (even after a long courtship) and watch that person morph into the monster they actually are over time. I've seen it for myself (not in my marriage, but in another relationship) and know exactly what you mean. It's not your fault. Likely he targeted you for your kindness/empathy/the way you made him feel about himself. You did nothing but fall in love with someone who presented as pretty darn perfect. You were victimized by a professional manipulator and shouldn't ever have to feel guilty or bad about it. Those posters have no idea what you went through.
For ADHD, I think that can happen, too, though I don't think it's so intentional as it is with NPD. The hyperfocus period masks a lot of symptoms and it can seem like the person you married initially is not the same person at all 6 years later. This I have experienced in my current marriage. When I think of the first years of our marriage and look at my current reality, it's like I was married to a totally different person back then.
Thank you melody.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Thank you melody.
After I went to work I started to feel much better. The website I commented on was an article on psychology today, where they talk about how sex declines/changes during marriage. I was merely offering up my own experience as to why "the thrill was gone" in my marriage.
I've learned my lesson and will never go on that site again. Most of the responses to the article were from men and did nothing but bash women.
Hi Adele....
Submitted by c ur self on
I hope your day is getting better!...I have found it difficult to answer these relationship questions honestly many times....Because the only way to get to the bottom of the matter, is to see my self more clearly than I would like to....In other words, until I can face my own weaknesses, blind spots and insecurities etc., I can't totally find the truth concerning my life, her life, and the reality of our marriage relationship...
But to answer your questions....I do think it's possible to not totally know someone before you marry them....In my experience's, many people only show part of who they are to others, the part they consider acceptable....(I think reason's vary, but, Shame is a big one)....Also, because of blind spots related to things like desire, emotion, & insecurities etc, I think many of us (like I did for sure, a widower at age 50, looking for a wife) tend to overlook the reality staring us in the face, and the long term effects it's going to produce attempting to be one w/ this person....
When it comes to change over the long haul...I think certain things drive that, good change?...bad change?....If a person tends to be self absorbed (Thinking the marriage will enhance their life personally) I think bad change is inevitable....If a person lives without want (responsible and at peace) single, and see's a marriage relationship as a wonderful work based adventure, with one special person...I think healthy change and healthy attachment is inevitable....
I have found that the above outlooks on life is usually based on a few things...And these things tell us what is possible (IF, big if, we can take off those powerful Rose colored glasses!) One, the Spirit that moves them, their past, and how they are living right now, when they think no one is watching....
Blessings friend...
c
Adele Yes and no people change.
Submitted by eyekahlo on
Adele, I feel for you. Been married 45 and together for 47. At 19 I definately had love blinders on. Hindsight is so clear! I now know these issues were obvious to everyone else ( was warned by many) but not to me because I did not want to see them.. H was so charming, rebellious and so different from other guys I met. Bottom line my H has been the same..he has not changed. What HAS changed is my denial. It has taken a very long time for me to face what has been in my gut all this time. It hurts as I still love him with all my heart. My journal has helped but very recent events made it impossible for me to deny any longer. IMHO crying will get the poison out. it hurts. Tell yourself to ignore that critic from the "other" site. What he/she said tells more about themselves(self) than you. He/she has to dump on others to feel good. His/her resume probably has under the strengths part-Excellent at pushing others buttons and being as mean as possible in order to cover own shortcomings.Or under hobbies - it says love to garden with dead seeds guaranteeing no growth possible. Am thinking good things for you.
I cried too:(
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Adele, I read your post from like 2 year ago and this one. Sounds like me. Except I met my husband 12 year ago:(
the answer to you question from my experience and newfound knowledge is simple: ADHD partners can not not change. On other words-they will absolutely change and reveal real self after hyper focus. Yes, what you saw initially was FAR from who they really are. I read you have to wait 24-28 months even if it feels like " he's the one".
I had no idea about any of it including his diagnosis back then. If I did, I very much doubt I would claim I'm strong enough to enter and survive adhd relationship
inSearchForHope
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I have been with my Fiance for a little more than 4 years. We do not live together, and won't until my daughter ( 17 ) is finished with High School and goes off to college. (We live in different cities.) I do stay with him every other week when my daughter is staying with her Dad. My post above, asking if people can just flip a switch and seemingly change overnight refers to my ex husband. I was upset and venting. I know that people can change into something we don't recognize, because it happened to me. People often show us what we want to see, until they reveal their true selves...............
Aside from the differences between my fiance (ADHD) and the neurotypical men I have dated and was married to...there have been no red flags. Misunderstandings, but nothing so bad that I would call off our engagement or leave him.
Good for you
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
Sounds like you did figure out how to live with adhd man and see future together then:) That's what most of us here are trying to do. Good luck and lots of patience to us all