I've been reading a lot of the posts on this forum as well as your blogs and it's helped me to understand so much about ADHD. One thing I am still struggling to understand is the lack of attention to loved ones. In one of your blogs you said ADHD is a dysregulation of the attention system, that a person with ADHD focuses in a dysregulated way and it's hard for them to focus on something that's not interesting. This is what really helped me to understand ADHD more. But does the lack of attention to loved ones mean they are not interesting to you? How can you lose interest in someone you love? I feel that if you lose interest in someone, you really don't love them. I would appreciate your thoughts on this, and from anyone else who would care to comment.
Question for Melissa Orlov
Submitted by lily1 on 05/09/2010.
Lose Interest?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Is it really Love? On and Off Relationship
Submitted by lolablue on
To start off, I am not married to him, but started dating last November. I went through the typical cycle with him, my adhd love, after just one month. the Hyper, the confusing sharp change, the ignoring, and the on again off again. He is divorced and has been dating since. He did not initiate his divorce after 18years and 2 children, but has ended all 4 relationships since. He told me he's never met anyone like me, he finally found the person he desires and deserves, wants to spend a life together, and no one can be more perfect for him than me. He asked if I would marry him someday. He told me he was crazy about me and that I'd never be able to get rid of him. He told me he loved me. He lives an hour away, but works near me. BTW, he is never late for work, works as much OT as possible and has been there for over 10 years. He mentioned some finacial trouble after the divorce, and I recognized his impulse spending on his last girlfriend, based on what he has told me. He mentions it alot. It really bothers him even now.( the money he had spent on her) I am pretty easy going, and really didn't make a big deal of him running late getting to my house after he finishes juggling the daily balls that are in the air. I only saw him 2 days a week because of the distance and his daily routines. I'm convinced he has ADHD from what I have been reading. There's the speeding tickets, the messy house and car and daughter has been in many fender benders. After one month, there was some health issues with a family member that really upset him. The last thing i heard from him was "I love you sweetheart", and then I was ignored. It is so frustrating to send emails, leave messages, and texts and get absolutely nothing back. With him living an hour away, its not like Im going to rush over to his house. I can't reach out to him and talk because of the silence on his end and the distance between us. I sent an Email asking why, shared my feelings, and said I deserved an explanation. My comments are never accusatory. We are both in our 40's and Ive really learned the best way to communicate. He responded and said that he was sorry for the silence, and needed some time for things to cool down and for him to collect his thoughts. I didn't bother him. He did call after 6 days and he came over, apologized, said I didn't deserve to be treated that way, that is how he deals with things and that it would never happen again. I left it at that. We continued with the relationship. The silence happened again after the second month. I emailed him that if he was unsure of me this would happen again, and I can't take the chance, so I can't see him anymore. Then it happened again in the 3rd month! I could always tell when something was bothering him because when I'd send him texts that I love him or miss him, I'd get nothing back. The 'I love you too" stops. I basically told him he knows what I need out of a relationship, (which I had explained early on) and this just isn't doing it for me. According to him the reason for the 2nd and 3rd was he really knows what he wants for his future now, which apparently doesn't include me since I didn't agree to move in with him. ( In just a few months, he's wanted to move someplace warm, then told me he was buying a house to renovate and sell to keep himself busy, near me and work.) Now he wants to remain where he lives and build a house on his 32acre property, so he can complete his dream of taking his grandchildren someday through the woods and show them all the work he has put into planting each of the thousands of trees. When he had asked me at one point if I would move with him, I was hesitant. I never said No. I told him it was too soon for me to make decisions like that. I said I concentrate on getting to know him first and with alot of love, If its right, things will fall into place. I want to be absolutely sure. I finally forced him to tell me whats really going on and he said he does not want to be in a relationship right now. He'd rather be alone now and enjoy working in his fields. it's where he wants to be- it makes him happy. Completely confused by all the marriage talk and then not wanting to be in a relationship I asked him why the sudden change of heart. He said if he knew he would tell me. How does he not know? I found out he was back to online dating! I was extremely hurt and sent him an email explaining that. I poured my heart out on the last Email explaining how confused I was, why did he keep coming back after the silence bouts, how much I felt for him and all the good things he has done for my heart and soul. I also explained that I couldn't continue the "sex only" relationship because it's still misleading to me. I asked for my key back. His reply was "don't know what to say, but you are a fine person that I value and I still want to keep in touch. " That's it. I was falling in love with this man. We both have never felt so much passion for someone. Our sex has been the best ever or each of us. The things I don't understand is after these silence periods, he really never answers my questions. And to top it off, he acts like nothing was ever wrong. We've never yelled and screamed at each other. There's no arguing either. We really respect each other. How can feelings so strong change so fast? Why can he love his children so much and not keep his love for me. Did he really love me? Since we broke up, he calls me just about every day. We always enjoy our conversations. Sometimes they run to 3hrs. Why does he call me so much, if he wanted a break? Why does he talk about me doing things with him in the future, like seeing a movie? There are periods of no calls, but they start back up. There has been a little sex here and there because we miss it so much. It is always initiated by him. I told him that I'm conditioned to be ignored so I don't call him anymore. It just hurts too much. The sex was always at night when the days activities are over and he wants to relax. That's when I get the attention. I just can't stay angry at this man and think I would be the perfect person for him in his life. I am so non judgemental, easy going and understanding. I have to think about myself now though, because just when I start trying to move on, and that hurt feeling in my stomach is starting to fade, he'll call, and I get all those wonderful feelings back for him. I also find myself watching my phone at work and staying at my desk to see if he'll call. Then when he doesn't, I get that sick feeling in my gut again. I have never asked him some of these questions. When he came over it was only sex. I won't call him like I explained, and if I send him an Email with all these questions, I get no answers. I don't know how to communicate with him. Maybe it's not meant to be. It shouldn't be this difficult, or is it, and I either accept it or not? How do I ask him if he has ADHD? I don't know if he knows this or not. It might help him if he did. He is just going to bounce from girl to girl. I'm scared to ask him for another chance because maybe he really doesn't love me. I really hope things could work out. He is a wonderful man, and I really do love him.
No support
Submitted by Jeanine T on
My father is terminally ill and lives in South Africa. I visited him in December 2009 and talk to my Mom daily to see how she is doing and how my Dad is doing. It's a very stressful time for me. I am losing my Dad, am trying to be there for my Mom and am across the ocean from them. My brother lives in Wales. I have a very weak support system. When my Dad was diagnosed I told my husband (who has ADD) that I will need to lean on him throughout the coming months. That was 6 months ago. Since then our already rocky marriage has experienced more stress and strain. I am struggling with grief, but my husband is not there for me. He spends most of his time on college football chats, playing video games or watching TV. Not only am I dealing with grief but I work full time and we have two young boys whom I take care of mostly as well as doing all household chores. When I ask for his support or point out that I need him to be there for me more so than he is his response is that he is not an emotional person. What I hear when he says that is that he doesn't care enough to invest the time and energy to be there for me. Our marriage has experienced some really rough spots in the last 6 years, it got a little better about a year ago when I started educating myself about ADD but this added stressor of my Dad dying has added a new dimension to the pain of being married to someone with ADD.
Sorry for your father's illness
Submitted by Sueann on
Wow! I sense all the burdens on you. My father died when my kids were little. I had no chance to say goodbye or help in any way, as he never told me about the cancer diagnosis. He didn't even tell my mother until 2 days before he died. I feel so bad for you.
Can you be more specific to him about what you want? Can you say, will you help the kids get their pj's on and read them a story because I need to call my parents, could you take the kids to daycare, or whatever. Even a "not emotional person" can give you practical support like that, and he should. Ask him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. He is already being unfalr to you, since it doesn't sound like he contributes much at home. There are a lot of posts here about how ADDers can come through in a crisis.
Wish I could give you a hug. It sounds like you need it.
different levels of interest
Submitted by arwen on
In my experience, there's really compelling fascinating interest, and then there's ordinary interest (what I think of as a sort of "how interesting" interest) with most ADDers I know. When they find something that's a really compelling fascinating interest, ordinary interest takes a back seat.
My ADD spouse almost always finds me ordinarily interesting, but I can't manage to be fascinating all that frequently after 35 years of marriage! So, I sometimes lose out to things that are fascinating to him.
That said -- my husband used to find a *lot* of stuff more fascinating than me, and I got practically no attention from him at all. But in recent years, he has rearranged his priorities and gives me more attention. I don't think it's because I've become more interesting -- in fact, I think it's likely I've become less interesting the longer we're married! So, while I think there *is* a relationship between interest and attention, I don't think interest is the only factor in the attention question.
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore