In short, do you think the ADHD spouse can change? Or do you have to change to make it work? My wife and I have been married for 6 years, I was diagnosed at 3 years we had our daughter at 4 years and it's been up and down. I communicate poorly about things because of shame, especially money and sex. Getting diagnosed and treated helped us get strong enough that we had a baby together but those stresses have caused a relapse in me and I have to refocus and readjust all over again just to get back to a level of connection and communication we had before. My wife is running out of patience and says I have asked for her patience and effort and time for 6 years and she is spent, but I feel like I am ready and willing to make a big change and I have all the tools, but I get discouraged when she is not open long herself to the possibility and promise of it or assumes I won't ever change. I know she is protecting herself by not getting her hopes up again, but I need to find a way to get her to let me in again to believe I can make a fix again. Right now she believes every improvement was temporary to "get her off my back." I know it's my own behavior that's caused this but it's upsetting that she convinced me this was a medical problem and not a character one but she still talks and acts like I WANT this to be this way like it's a choice that I made and not a function of my condition that I cannot always sustain improvements.
Question for non-ADHD spouses
Submitted by mike1112014 on 01/16/2021.
Throw her a bone
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Your non-ADHD wife typically endured years of hopes, dreams, and promises that 'things will be different'. Yet every 'six months later' no change seems to have remained. She is emotionally drained to the point she questions whether the effort to remain married is worth it. It is very hard to 'rally' from this position. I suggest you champion one issue/behavior that you both acknowledge has been a sticking point. At the beginning of every day honestly ask yourself 'did I fulfill my commitment to improve on issue/behavior X'. If not tell your wife you recognize this and you will redouble your efforts on the issue today. (I know it is especially hard to stay focused on an issue day after day. Come up with methods to remind yourself of your commitment. You will have failures but you have to keep trying.) Regardless of your success on any particular day the point is to demonstrate day after day your continually acknowledged commitment to your agreement. Your wife will see this commitment as an expression of love and will appreciate the extraodinary effort this takes for you.
Change is a choice
Submitted by Beachlover68 on
Will It Get Better is 1000% correct! I have dealt with this for 15-20 years with my ADD husband. I have stayed because he does have many good qualities and I do love him. Also, I didn't want our boys to grow up in a broken home. But it has not always been an easy choice and I can't say that we have a functional relationship. We are back in counseling again and I am hoping he will stick with it.
Throw her a bone????? Seriously?
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
That is exactly what it feels like. Throw her a bone to get her off your back. Throw her a bone, knowing you will likely fail her in the long run but hoping it will work to humor her for the moment. The rollercoaster of living with a spouse with ADHD who gathers himself together for short bursts (usually in response to being made to feel uncomfortable) and then goes right back to business as usual when she stops being angry is EXACTLY why we don't believe it will EVER get better.
It seems like it should be possible
Submitted by FeelingIt on
I am 100% new to this forum, so maybe I will change my mind later - but it seems to me as if learning to use and rely on a list, would go a long ways. I am not sure that "sticking to a list is hard for ADHD" as an excuse is going to keep me married for much longer.
However that is your reality
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Your ADHD spouse probably fails to 'stick to a list' or any other agreement you may make with him. Improvements to these symptoms can be made if the ADHDer stays focused on improving. However they have ADHD which makes it unlikely. It is a classic 'Catch-22' (which is of little solace). You can not make him change no matter how much you love him.