Hi everyone. I am new to this board and found it after someone recommended my boyfriend of 2 years (we'll call him Andy) be evaluated for ADHD. After reading several books, prowling forums, and reviewing research articles, I am wondering how I have missed all the signs and symptoms for two years! Fortunately Andy has agreed to go through with an ADHD assessment and (hopefully) treatment but I have some questions for all the non-ADHD partners who have years of experience under their belt because, right now, I feel a little like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole...
Andy has classic ADD symptoms:
- Poor time management- at one point he got so involved with a video game on his computer one weekend that the entire day passed and he didn't even notice. When I finally reached him 4 hours after we had planned to meet (he didn't even notice his phone ringing the first few times), he was shocked that so much time had passed.
- Blanking out during conversations (and it's partner in crime, forgetfulness)
- Poor financial management- he is an impulsive spender. Despite (or perhaps the cause of?) the fact that he has credit card debt which that money could go toward, he still seems to have several new gadgets each week.
- Shuts down when he is overwhelmed by detail.
- Poor planning ability.
He is in his early 30's, has the same, stable job for the last 4 years, and seems like he should be well into his journey to adulthood. But instead, he continues to bounce from roommate situation to roommate situation where he rents a room at someone else's house (and all because he doesn't want the responsibility of a lease or being an official renter). All of his previous adult relationships have lasted no more than a year because the girl has broken it off. He constantly talks about buying a house or a new car but there is no action toward making that happen (saving, budgeting, etc.) and the way he spends his money indicates that this isn't a priority. He self medicates with video games on his phone to the point where I can't have a 15 second conversation with him without him pulling his phone out and diverting his attention to it. It seems that he is just content to play the goofy "oh that's just Andy" role rather than taking on adult responsibilities.
Seeing these as symptoms of his brain working differently than mine, rather than taking them as personal indications of his involvement in/value of our relationship, has made a huge difference in my ability to handle many of these situations. However, my question is this- where do you draw the line between the symptoms and the person's actual personality/motivation/desires?
This question stems from the fact that after 2 years he still has no answer when I ask him where he sees this relationship going. I ask him what he wants for his life (marriage, kids, a house, etc.) and he says he doesn't know and doesn't really think about the future. Is this complete lack of future goals/desires (even in a very general way) a common occurrence for people with ADHD? I worry that I am desperately clinging to the ADHD possibility as the reason for the indecisiveness, but instead it might actually just be how he operates regardless of the diagnosis. I love him and support him but I also know that he is the master in conflict avoidance, so telling me that his life goals are different than mine is not something he would be inclined to do. Because of this, I worry that I will spend another 2 years with someone who has no life goals that coincide with mine. I will support him as he goes through this process no matter what, but I am curious if I am just being naive in thinking that treatment for ADHD will solve this issue.
Any insight you have would be much appreciated. :-)
you are a smart woman to ask these questions now
Submitted by learningtoloveadd on
Further frustrations- his denial
Submitted by ADDBoy4Me on
Thank you for replying LearningToLoveADD. It is always nice to know I am not the only one facing this.
Fortunately, I already have a wonderful therapist (she was the one who suggested he get evaluated). But just this weekend I learned that he has already been evaluated (with a positive result) for ADHD as a preteen/teen. Why would he not tell me this until 2 months after my therapist originally suggested this? If he knows his brain works this way why is he fighting me every step of the way when I bring up things that may need to be addressed (impulsive spending, self-medicating with video games, time management, etc.)? I don't understand how he can still be completely unmotivated to learn all he can about this and feel relieved that he finally has an explanation as to why certain areas of his life are so difficult. It is as if he can say "yep, the eval shows I have ADD" yet somehow his brain is unable to take the next logical step and say "yep, this is causing difficulties in my life that need to be addressed."
I am so upset with this revelation because, to me, it means that he has known this is an issue all along and instead of feeling like our relationship is worth the extra effort of seeking out help for these behaviors he just buries his head in video games and pretends everything is great. I honestly just don't know what to do. I am even more frustrated because neither his school or his parents took the time and effort to aid him in learning tools/skills to be successful in the areas that are difficult for him. Instead they just tossed a few different types of meds at him until one stuck and called it a day. Meds are great but tools are just as important.
I don't know what to do. This is getting to be a little too much for me. He is addicted to a game on his phone- 1st thing when he wakes up he spends 30 minutes playing it. Since I have told him this bothers me he now goes to the bathroom (with his phone!) and is in there for 30 minutes. He plays every second we aren't talking, most of the seconds we are talking, when we are playing card games,when we are watching movies, I even find him hiding at the end of the grocery store aisle playing this darn game!
He continues to refuse to plan for the future and uses things I have no control over as excuses. He refuses to attend my family functions because they are "uncomfortable" for him and will only do so after I blow up at him and tell him that is a dealbreaker. And I am not talking about brunch every Sunday, I am talking about twice a year, 6 moths apart. On top of that, he procrastinates and is conflict avoidant so, when I tell him 6 months in advance that he will need to buy a $250 plane ticket, he completely puts it out of his mind and then complains that he has to spend $400 the week before we travel because the price has gone up. Yet I can't purchase ours together when they are cheaper because then he feels that I am pressuring him into it.
After doing research on ADHD I have pointed out similarities to him between his behaviors and ADHD symptoms. He gets annoyed at this and claims I am am making everything about ADHD when it isn't. If that is honestly how he feels then I don't know what else I can do. The literature/research is staring him in the face and he is basically saying- "yeah, I have it but those things [that totally match my behavior] don't apply to me." I honestly don't know what else I can do.
Has anyone else faced this situation and had a positive outcome?
Things to Think About
Submitted by kellyj on
I'll throw my two bits in here from the ADHD side. The pulls that ADHD has on a person I equate to being hungry. When you're hungry you tend to think about food...restaraunts, cooking, some great dish. Once you've eaten and are full....the sound of more food is not appealing at all and you're thinking turns else where. ADHD is like have a itch you can't scratch or like being hungry.....you automatically do things to try and scratch the itch or satisfy something that your brain is telling you that needs attention...just like eating for example.
Most people who have ADHD including myself before I was diagnosed have no idea why they do things or where the motivation comes from or the need to do them especially since you've been this way all your life and started doing these things since you were a very young child. Anxiety has a lot to do with this and everyone can understand why we do things to calm us or relieve anxiety. My ADHD behaviors come out in a big way when I'm anxious and when I'm not....they can almost disappear.
The kind of motivation you are talking about is what most people would understand it to be....ambition, money, family, children and love relationships. These are all things that might motivate us. Intention shares an equal status with motivation sometimes too.
He might not be addicted to games as you indicated. The games may be a way to calm him and keep his anxiety levels down which would be the same as scratching the itch or eating in my earlier reference. He may not have a clue to a lot of things he does or seems to be motivated to do but my best guess is if he is ADHD/ADD that he's trying to find a way to scratch what he can't explain and he's found at least one way to do it. There are lots of other ways to do this for us ADD'ers but some are better and less invasive to others. That's why when we find out where this is all coming from, we can change the bad ones to good ones and things work a lot better for everyone.
But...if someone is not motivated to make these changes and find better ways then the prognosis is bleak. The ADHD will never go away along with the need to scratch the itch or the pulls it has on a person. I'm on this forum because I'm trying to find new and better ways to manage this for myself. It's the only way anything will ever change in all of this.
I hope this gives you a little more insight from the ADHD side of things. Good luck
Thank you for these comments,
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you for these comments, especially identifying the link between anxiety and ADHD-type behaviors. I think a lot of my husband's ADHD-type behaviors stem from anxiety avoidance. It's hard to deal with the behaviors if the anxiety is not acknowledged and dealt with in other ways.
Stress and Anxiety Defenitely Ramps Up My ADHD Symtoms
Submitted by kellyj on
Exercising really makes a huge difference in reducing my stress and anxiety and with them.....my ADHD symptoms are reduced noticeably compared to when I don't exercise. I've known that the endorphins make a big difference in keeping my ADHD symptoms in check for years .....long before I was diagnosed. I also have noticed that when I go for long periods without exercising my stress level is higher and my ADHD and more apparent.
I think between Adderall and exercise alone .......excersise probably does everything as well or better excepts when it comes to things like organization or remembering things....the Adderall and exercise are the best combo that I've found across the board.
ADHD and Stress
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
So true. My mind races when I am stressed, and I can't think. Or prioritize. Or plan. Or task-initiate. I'm a virtual chicken, sans head.
Thanks for inspiring me to take a run. Running helps my brain so much!
ADHDMomof2
Thank you for your response
Submitted by ADDBoy4Me on
Thank you for your response JJ, it is always helpful to see the situation from the other side. I struggle excusing his behavior as simply ADHD itch (so to speak) because there seems to be a blatant disregard for my feelings. Our cycle goes something like this:
It is this behavior that makes me feel like it is more than the ADHD itch and more of a willingness to be complacent as soon as the fire has been put out. If he is unwilling to be introspective and look at what behaviors are leading to this cycle and why (or even work with someone to look at this because I recognize that is difficult work on your own) then I don't see how this can be saved. I am willing to work with him, to work past these issues and find solutions that work for both of us, but I can't be expected to also generate his motivation to do so. Only he can do that.
I know he loves me. I know he cares. I don't know if he loves me enough to do the uncomfortable task of addressing the issue. He does what he can (which is mostly just survival instinct stuff to avoid the conflict- he came from an abusive house and that is his coping mechanism) but he won't commit himself to the long-term cause and push past the immediate hardship and look at the bigger issue. Even worse, I have begun to discount the efforts he has made during this current episode because I feel that as soon as the emergency passes he will revert right back to his old behaviors. Externally, I am appreciative of the changes but internally, my feelings don't change and I feel myself disconnecting out of self-preservation. I can't continue to get my hopes up and be let down.
******
As I write this I feel guilty. I think about all of the things he does and how wonderful he is and how sweet and generous he is and I feel guilty. I adore his loyalty and his tender heart. I know he tries. I know he wants to do the "right" thing. I know that he cares and that he is anxious about so much. And I feel guilty for posting this because it is the equivalent to saying "I see you trying, but you need to do more." I try so hard to walk the balance of not making him feel like everything he does is wrong yet at the same time acknowledging my needs for some things to change. I work hard at trying to figure out what my deal breakers are and what are trivial things I can let go. But as more time passes and more of my needs go unmet I find myself grasping at every trivial thing as further proof of the issue. I don't know what to do.
"If he is unwilling to be
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"If he is unwilling to be introspective and look at what behaviors are leading to this cycle and why (or even work with someone to look at this because I recognize that is difficult work) then I don't see how this can be saved. I am willing to work with him, to work past these issues and find solutions that work for both of us, but I can't be expected to also generate his motivation to do so. Only he can do that."
You've hit the nail on the head for many of us non-ADHD spouses and partners.
False Summit
Submitted by kellyj on
is a climbing term; when you have the summit in your line of sight and you think your near the top except when you get there........you find another summit that is now much higher than the one you just climbed. ADHD has lots of false summits and the climb can keep getting longer and higher than you first imagined.
You've got to stay after it and stay ahead of it on an on going basis or it will just keep catching up with you. Your boyfriends pattern sounds very familiar.......hmmmmm????? lol
You sound like me before I
Submitted by lauren07 on
You sound like me before I gave up. I'm glad I did too because after losing us early last year, he still hasn't changed and he still takes no blame, most of the time. He's even forgetful with blame. His favorite thing is to blame the job he had when we met and after I left. "There goes the Army ruining another marriage". I'm the next to blame because apparently how much someone loves you in their heart should be enough. How much someone wants to try and wants to change, should be enough. I'm sorry, but I need actions, not thoughts or empty words.
Mine wanted to start a family, but after I got pregnant, he became super selfish. After the birth, he was still selfish. He rarely held our child that he hardly got to see. Three years later, he spends time with him only in front of the tv. After going six months without him, he still does this. After deciding to move far way with the plan I'd move up there too (for the sake of my son being raised around tons of family), he still spent no time with him. Honestly, it makes me feel violent towards him. How dare he whine on and on about missing his child and then do NOTHING when he does get to see him.
I'm writing this because mine NEVER got any better. I am so glad I severed our one sided relationship. I'm much happier now, but still angry that he didn't try harder and angry at the kind of father he is. The worst part is that he really loves me and our child. I couldn't ask for a better attitude from him when we're apart. No fighting over custody. We still split our $ 50/50 and he's careful about his spending (after he got buying a new motorcycle behind my back out of his system).
I found out about his add by googling about his lack of common sense and forgetfulness. Because of his life-long depression, he went right to a therapist, a military one:/ I feel the therapist blamed me and the depression. He put my husband on depression meds only. With every therapy session, my husband got worse. He no longer apologized for problems he caused. He either gave a quick "I was distracted" or got visibly seething with anger. He put our child in danger twice, but got angry and/or laid blame. After a thorough discussion about NOT preparing dog food with the dogs near the baby....major food aggression from the new dog he just had to have, well I caught him days later preparing the food with dogs and toddler all underfoot. When I freaked out, he got very angry and blamed the dogs. "The dogs WERE outside", like they can let themselves in and I didn't. He simply moved our child and left the dogs in. A week later, I found he left a circular saw PLUGGED IN and LAYING ON THE GROUND in the garage. It had been there for days. When I confronted him, he did nothing. He got angry and did nothing. Thirty minutes later, I check and the saw is unplugged but STILL ON THE GROUND. Our toddler knows how to plug things in. At that moment, I declared, "you are absolutely not getting that gun you wanted because you are not responsible enough". He absolutely agreed, guiltily. I'm sorry, but I meant to marry a grown man who would never dream of doing incredibly stupid, dangerous things like this.
This man actually asked me to leave because I "make him feel bad about himself". At that point, I was reduced to completely ignoring every stupid thing he did because I knew it was only making things worse. He took my words and my lack of words as equally hurtful. I couldn't win. I tried to keep the family together, did EVERYTHING at home and with our kid and financially AND worked two night jobs, but he wanted ME to leave. I wanted to leave. I was dying to!! After I left, of course, he whined every day about missing his child. I moved thousands of miles away to start over ALONE with a child and struggled. He bought himself a brand new motorcycle on his birthday a week later.
I'm reminded of when he told me that he didn't want anymore kids because my pregnancy was HARD ON HIM. What?! Two months of bed rest, multiple bleeding episodes and hospital stays, birth damage including an episiotomy, massive blood loss, stroke level blood pressure, AND a broken tailbone, and MY pregnancy was hard on HIM! Talk about selfishness and lack of empathy.
I hope one day something changes. Until then, I'll forever be angry at myself for bringing a child into this.
Good luck to you. Keep thinking long and hard before committing to this roller coaster relationship. I could never give due credit to the things my husband got right because, like you, I knew he'd soon drop the ball....and he usually did.
Resonsibilty Means Dropping You're Defenses
Submitted by kellyj on
Until a person can do this they are a victim. A victim is someone who cannot accept responsibility in most cases. I just made another post about Narcissism for example.........a person like this cannot take any responsibility for their actions and everything they do is in defense of this.
It sounds like from everything I read here as far as ADHD is concerned, that recognizing what we do and then taking responsibility for it is key.... not being aware of ourselves seems to be the big issue. Once we do and don't take responsibility for it would appear to be other issues on top of this.
I agree.
Submitted by lauren07 on
I agree.
My husband will agree he has a problem, then promptly forget he has a problem. If the wife and son that he loves wouldn't light a fire under his butt, I don't imagine anything could.
You know, I don't have issues with people that have adhd. The ones I know are joys to be around, for the most part;p It's this dang add-inattentive that I can't handle.
Wow I sure can relate to your
Submitted by Second Chances on
Wow I sure can relate to your posts. Yet when I read your very well put-together thoughts, I want to tell you to RUN for the hills right now. Do not stop, do not collect $200 (ha)... just get the h*ll out. And yet I have yet to take my own advice!
You wrote, "I know he loves me. I know he cares. I don't know if he loves me enough to do the uncomfortable task of addressing the issue. He does what he can (which is mostly just survival instinct stuff to avoid the conflict- he came from an abusive house and that is his coping mechanism) but he won't commit himself to the long-term cause and push past the immediate hardship and look at the bigger issue."
BINGO. Me too. In my case, my shack-up boyfriend refuses to even try treatment for his ADHD. He is just "certain" that it would not help. So in reality, HOW can we believe that these men really "love" us? If they are unwilling to address this gigantic elephant in the room? The elephant that causes such enormous stress and often affects my every waking moment? No, that doesn't really sound like the "love" I know that I need - and deserve.
You also wrote that you feel guilty. I can completely relate. Me too. But I don't think that we should feel guilty! The bottom line is that my BF isn't "here" for me. If the sh*t hits the fan, I will be on my own. I already have a rare (slow-growing) cancer. If things change and I am truly "sick" or if I cannot work... I will be in huge trouble. Because I absolutely cannot depend on my BF. Sure, he can say sweet things and sometimes even make lovely romantic gestures. But he does not pay the bills. I pay 90% of everything. He is in enormous debt to the IRS and also has maxed-out, overdue credit cards. He is not good to his word. I pay for everything. If I'm not able to work (and work 12 hour days, sometimes 7 days a week)... then I am screwed. That's not a real, loving "partnership" is it?
I'm sorry you are in this tough spot and I'm sorry that I'm not more optimistic. But if I read your posts right, you two do not yet live together. So at least your lives are not as intertwined as many here. If I were you I would get the heck out while you still can. Is this really how you want your LIFE to be? From what you describe, you absolutely deserve better.
Best wishes to you.
PS - I'd be tempted to take a hammer to that cell phone!
Won't change just because you're married
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hi, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear of your situation, but there are terrific folks here who are living this life, and have wonderful insight into living with ADHD. My husband has severe ADHD and only takes Concerta. He has many of the symptoms you have read here, which has caused MAJOR struggles in our household, but he won't go to counseling or do the behavioral changes needed to better his life and OUR lives together.
You probably already know this, but I'm saying it anyway.......and that is.....getting married will NOT help the ADHD get better. In fact it gets WORSE due to the added stresses that normally come from joining two (and relatives) lives together. It would be better for both of you if he got some serious help NOW, but the problem is getting the ADHD person to acknowledge that their condition causes problems with those that love them.
I wish you well, and pray for the best in your life.
You Nailed It
Submitted by kellyj on
I couldn't have said it better myself......from the ADHD side, we've got to find a way to see it in order to fix it.
Leave this toxic relationship
Submitted by Djadechen on
You are better off leaving now. Marriage will not make it better. You will not get the attention you néed from a partner and then he will blame you for being a nag. It is a very bad cycle of dysfunction.
Save yourself the heart ache and find a guy who is attentive to life AND you!