So there is this quote by a poet named Iain S Thomas--I saw it on another website--it goes like this: Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Lots of us here often post about how our ADHD person has changed us. It makes me sad that my softness is gone. My world with DH has made me hard. My pain at not having the marriage I thought I would and wasting 20 years on it makes me hate. The bitterness of the whole stupid situation has stolen my sweetness. And so here I am. About to turn 45 and mark 20 years of marriage in the fall. And I have so little to show for it. Nothing I have learned about functioning inside of an ADHD relationship is useful in the normal world. The way I act in this relationship is not the way normal people in normal relationships act. Could I even function in a normal relationship if I had the chance?
In any case...this quote just struck me.
dvance
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Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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My pain at not having the marriage I thought I would and wasting 20 years on it makes me hate.
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YES.
I get VERY sad when I look at my Facebook newsfeed and see happy couples posting, doing things, supporting each other.
It has gotten to the point, that it's very hard to plan anything in advance because H will:
1) have a meltdown and won't go, so I have to cancel.
2) have a meltdown and won't go, so I have to go by myself.
3) during the days/weeks/months leading up to the planned event, H will "use" that event as blackmail: "you apologize or admit that you were wrong about X, otherwise I'm not going to______" After H did this a couple times in regards to situations where HE was clearly in the wrong, but forced me to apologize and say that I was wrong, I stopped planning anything that would give him that power again.
I am planning a trip to Italy this Dec. My son will be going as well. H "thinks" he's going, but I'm not really counting on him or expecting him to go. I really don't want him to go. If he goes, then he goes. But, I don't "need" him to go, and his antics will not prevent me or our son from seeing what we want to see.
Even tho H has been behaving much better lately, he did have a meltdown last week which could have caused a horrible outcome with my business (and may still happen, I don't know yet if the person will post a bad review online), he can't be trusted to behave.
As I've said many, many, many times. The most awful behaviors by people with ADHD are likely because they don't ONLY have ADHD.
I think ADHD is really often just a symptom of something more serious. I guess that there are some people with "just ADHD," but those aren't the ones we typically hear about here on this forum. I think we often hear about those with the most severe ADHD symptoms....which have been exacerbated by a more serous mental issue..
The stinging reality
Submitted by c ur self on
So difficult is the way to unity and peaceful agreements for so many of us...
When I read your posts and reflect on my past, and present difficulties. All the unhealthy feelings and emotions that has and does fill my thinking is so so sad.
It's really a shame when most of our efforts or spent trying to subvert, plan around or in the best case plan for the one who God says should mean the most to us in this life...
Normal? Is Normal ever going to be the same for any of us?
I like the quote also dvance...It's a great reminder for me that God loves me, and If I look for life only in him, I will never be disappointed. If all my expectations are placed on him. I can have peace.
Blessings C
" Nothing I have learned
Submitted by dedelight4 on
" Nothing I have learned about functioning inside of an ADHD relationship is useful in the normal world. The way I act in this relationship is not the way normal people in normal relationships act."
I know this, and know the difficulty of what you said. I really don't like who I've become after all these years,( 32 plus) The blaring obviousness of trying to keep up glares at me every single day. My house is a total wreck, and the yard is worse. I keep thinking the neighbors are going to call "Hoarders" any day now. It's so overwhelming I sometimes feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. But, it SHOWS me just how MUCH I was doing before, to keep everything just "picked up and orderly".
My back is in such pain with the ruptured discs and nerve compression, that it is excruciating. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, except my pain doctor who has no sympathy for anyone. (He has Asperger's) He should NOT be a doctor, especially for people in pain. I am switching doctors currently, but it too is a hassle.
My ADHD husband is trying very hard to do as much as he can. Things he NEVER used to do before, which I greatly appreciate. It gets frustrating because while he is cooking, or "cleaning"...............he's making a BIGGER mess than what was there in the first place. And I end up cleaning up the "clean up". His help and new attitude does really help in this though. If THAT wasn't there, I know I would go totally nuts.
I know my husband has more issues than ADHD, and I wish the psychiatrist would have emphasized that more, and diagnosed him with the other things also. The food phobias, paranoia about so many things, etc. (too many to remember right now)
He's also taking a break from his Concerta currently, because he thought he was on "too much". So, he stopped taking it and then wants to start again, which I don't think is a very wise idea. I wish he would have asked his doctor about that first, BEFORE doing this. He is VERY touchy, and every little thing sets him off. But, he is TRYING to stop himself before he gets "too emotional, or too vocal".
With all this, and the difficulty of living with undiagnosed and under-treated ADHD (and co-morbid issues) I have become an isolated, more hardened person than I EVER was before. I stopped making friends because I will ALWAYS pick the ADHD person in the room, or the person who has THE MOST PROBLEMS. I don't know why that is, and I wish I wasn't that WAY.