Hello everybody, first excuse me for my english.
Here's my story and I am searching for help on how to approach my partner again.
He has adhd, add, emotional dysfunction, a lot of traumas and an alcohol problem. Probably there are other syntoms which weren't diagnosticate. He refuses medication and therapy, which he tried, and he tries by himself, many times he manages it. But when he drinks too much, he gets these anger outbursts that he cannot control. Normally he leaves to his place (he was everyday in my place). He says he has to go away to protect me, because he loves me, and he cannot control his rage. I never understood until last week. He could not go away, because his key was at my place, he was drinking the whole night and he ended up beating me up (bitting and pushing) and was arrested. After some hours he came out. Still in rage. I didn't see him, a friend gave him the things he had in my apt. And his dog. No contact 5 days.
I took care of myself.
I also have to say ( I am 54): this is the most loving, caring man I know. We spent all our free time together, doing nice things. I had a hard time with some issues and he was there. The most time we had a beautiful relation. He also tries very hard not to drink much, already made many changes in his life, he works hard and is in general an amazing person. He also did the homework, everything perfect.
Now: I tried to call him yesterday. He has no family, no friends (only bar-friends)
He didn't answer. I wrote him to call me back, that is nothing bad, no discussion but I need to tell him something. He answered "I should not". And that was it.
I want to talk with him. To tell him I've learned a lot this days and many things he told me are clear to me now (I did not take ADHD so serious, never had to deal with it until January). I want to offer my help for him to make therapy. And I want to start again, because I love him, he loves (or loved) me and I believe we can manage to try in a different way. He asked me several times for help (like, please when I want to go to the bar, ssy no, tell me to come home) and I didn' t get it.
What he did has no excuse. But I fund the explanation.
My pain is so overwhelming and I know his pain about his condition must be terrible too.
In previous meltdowns, I was here to care for him. He cried and was like a child looking for safety. Now he is alone.
Question: what can I do that he talks with me at least on the phone? He is stonewalling and I cannot even tell him I forgive him...
Saudade.....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Hello, saudade.
I am concerned for your safety and well being.
I was married for 20 years to an abusive man.
He had anger and control issues and would often fly into a rage over the smallest things. He never physically hit me, but I would cringe and cower when he raised his voice. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He criticized and belittled me regularly. The one time it became physical, was when he forced himself on me sexually.
I stayed and put up with it until I couldn't anymore. I was in my late 40's when I left and had to start all over again, but it was worth it.
Back then I used to make excuses for my husband. ( He had his own business and his job was very stressful. At least that's what I said to myself. )
A good person who loved you would not do this to you. I had to admit that my husband didn't love me. All this, and he did not have ADHD.
I'm currently engages to a man who has ADHD. He has never raised his voice to me. He is kind, gentle and patient.
Stay safe and take care of yourself.
Adele
Thank you so much, Adele! I´m
Submitted by saudade on
Your pain is guiding you right now
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Pain/heartbreak and hope that treatment would change him are guiding how you feel right now. That's completely natural. But he needs much more help than you can support and he has to want that for himself. He knew this about himself and still put you at risk - he could have been in treatment years ago for this. You are not safe to be with him again in any way. I suggest no contact and individual therapy to help you move through this and keep yourself safe.
Hello dear Melody, thank you
Submitted by saudade on
Repairs
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Im sorry to hear this has happened to you.
My history is having for many years excused bouts of emotional and verbal aggression in my ADD now ex-husband and consoled him after. Why I did it? Because the rest of the time he was incredibly loving. Because I loved him, and because I wanted to save our relationship, and because he was unable to make the repairs. As he was unable to choose anything better than rage when there was a conflict.
You describe weakness in your partner. Since he's so frail, he seems to need your support. You want to work to repair the effects of his weakness.
I firmly believe you should not. Even if there hadn't been substance abuse and physical violence, I would advice against it.
We need in these matters to be almost childishly subjective and protect ourselves. He was mean to you? Step back. He hurt you? Withdraw. He doesn't come after you with apologies and promises? Make no contact. Meanwhile, turn away. Focus on something else. It might feel like there's nothing more important in the world than saving your love for each other. All distractions will seem small and insignificant. But then later, those things (friends, landscapes, pursuits) will be your new life and full of importance.
It wasn't until I sat on my hands - after divorce - and refused to make repairs for his aggressions, that I saw the truth. The truth was without my constant efforts, there was no love, no friendship, nothing. He did nothing.
Please acknowledge the work you've done on this already. Then focus your energy elsewhere. He is a terrible subject for your love and work. You need something entirely different.
I wish you all the best.
Dear Swedish Coast, thank you
Submitted by saudade on
https://www.womensaid.org.uk
Submitted by honestly on
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/...
this is a UK charity, sorry - but your English is certainly good enough to read the content here! can I draw your attention to myths 1, 10, and 14 in particular. Alcohol is not an explanation, nor are mental health issues, and it is not a brief loss of control. You also are already blaming yourself (you didn't try hard enough to support him with his issues before). Don't blame yourself- and when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He's the man who beat you, and you are considering keeping him in your life. You are in danger. In the UK alone a woman is killed by a man every 2.7 days. It's usually a partner, an ex, or a soon to be ex.
https://www.femicidecensus.org/
You cannot be safe with him. Walk away. Don't become a statistic. Please.
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by saudade on
Thanks Saudade; I hope you
Submitted by honestly on
Thanks Saudade; I hope you find what you need, and are able to proceed safely with whatever course of action you take. To add to the above, I have been married to someone with ADHD for twenty three years. It was diagnosed this year. He is moody, disorganised, doesn't hear me when I speak and extremely defensive around any perceived criticism- any comment that is in fact not lavish praise. He has often been angry, but he has never, ever raised a hand to me. ADHD traits are often similar between individuals, and they exist on a spectrum of severity, and come with a unique personality and range of experiences attached. I've read a lot since my husband was diagnosed, and am not an expert, but I haven't seen an account like yours before in the forums or books. It's possible that this behaviour has nothing to do with ADHD at all. Personally - though maybe I am just a lesser being, but I do have some experience of male violence - I would not be seeking to understand; I would be seeking to put as much distance as possible between myself and this man.
Thank you so much for sharing
Submitted by saudade on
We make too many excuses for their pain
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
I also loved my adhd partner so much that I made excuses for his alcoholism. I studied everything I could about adhd and gave him money to try to help and the pain never went away. Neither did the insults he gave me and disrespect. The longer you stick around in an unhealthy relationship the worst it will hurt you. I advise to distance your self now before you end up getting badly hurt as well. I also felt like the strong one at one point because I was neurotypical but over the years this will take a toll on your life and peace and it doesn't end well for anybody once there's disrespect and abuse! You do not deserve abuse. No matter how strong you are.
Thank you so much for sharing
Submitted by saudade on
I agree
Submitted by Peacefull111 on
My heart goes out to you because I know exactly the kind of love you have for him. My ex also got into alcohol issues and issues with the court which made him homeless. You're right seeing his misery only hurts you as well, nobody wants to see someone they care about struggle. But if they don't take responsibility there's nothing more that we can do. I'm so sorry that you were dismissed from work. I do agree it's best to put yourself first now and take care of yourself. If you continue to only care about his needs and not your own you will only feel bad and hurt yourself long term. Only people who have been in love with an adhder will understand the amount of heartbreak that can come from a dysfunctional relationship. I'm sending you support and I hope you will find more clarity as you go. We are not responsible for their actions, emotions, and pain. He has to do the work.
Dear Peacefull111, your words
Submitted by saudade on