Hello - I am new to the forum, and wanted to introduce myself. I've been in a relationship for nearly two years, and recently moved in with him. Although, I suspected he may have had ADD (or ADHD - he's not hyperactive), now that I've moved in, I KNOW. I went to my own counselor yesterday, and she (having a husband that also has ADHD), knew right away, and recommended the book "The ADHD effect on Marriage". We are not married, but he is a widower, and he has a 10 y/o son, whom I love as my own. We did not enter into this relationship lightly. But, here I am, just getting confirmation (not officially tested tho), that he, indeed has ADD, and I'm living with him). My counselor suggested the book yesterday, and I read the whole thing today.
Holy hell. I have a head-full of "knowing", and he is just starting to read the book...couldn't even get thru a discussion on what to have for dinner without arguing. I even tried to use some of the techniques in the book, but they are lost on him, as he has NO IDEA what I'm talking about. So, essentially, I read this book that gave me hope and validated my feelings, and he's looking at me like I'm bat-sh*t crazy. He's meeting with a new counselor tomorrow (and thankfully, ADHD is listed as a specialty), but there is no way that he'll catch up on all that I've read, know and has made me feel better anytime in the next month. Lost, sad, lonely, frustrated, can't communicate, and now I know how his brain is functioning, and he doesn't. Seems like I've thrown fuel onto the fire.
Please advise....tell me to keep my mouth shut, or stay away from him...something....I am practically torturing him right now!!!!!
Many of us here can relate!
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Many of us here can relate! My husband did get an ADHD diagnosis and initially was intrigued but after the new, shiny quality of the diagnosis wore off and he realized there was an expectation that he'd work on behavioral issues (as well as swallow pills), his enthusiasm dissipated quickly. It was and is hard.
Be self aware, he is who he is....and he is not your project!
Submitted by c ur self on
Stay away from him!!! And keep your mouth shut!!!
You know, I sure wish I had, had your book and knew the reality of life in an ADD mind when I got married 6 years ago....Before I did what your fixing to do....Just kidding...I HOPE!...please do not think you can change him....It's who he is....Please be patient, do not engage add/adhd behaviors, and NEVER enable....Or leave! You've not made any commitments, ....You need to be self-aware of yourself, or you want like the person your fixing to become...anger, bitter, feeling disrespected, feeling unloved, feeling used for his purposes, feeling manipulated....etc...
Can you quietly love him? Can you accept him like he is? Can you feel content, even when you feel alone and abandoned in his presents, because he lives so deeply in his own little world, he is incapable of experiencing yours?
Today is not a good day
Submitted by Tired-to-my-bones on
I've just had a day from hell with my ADHD husband of 30 years. I only realised about a year ago what it was I was dealing with, having torn myself to shreds trying to work out why we couldn't communicate about anything of importance without it escalating into full blown warfare. I've read, I've thought, I've addressed my own issues, I've tried and tried and tried. I found Melissa's book and like you read it straight through. I'm not mad, I haven't imagined things, I haven't exaggerated things. Here was the validation.
Unless you are able to manage the consistent inconsistency, are able to not ask for anything (physical or emotional) and certainly not expect anything; Unless you can cope with having a person in your life who cannot follow the thread of a conversation, even if it is pared down to words of one syllable; Unless you are prepared to be lonely within a relationship ......my advice to you is to get out now before he sucks the very marrow out of your bones.
I wish you all the luck in the world as you make your way. If I had known 30 years ago, what I know now, there is no way I would have married him. I am thankful that I have a well paid job with high status. I am grateful that I have always kept my money separate. I have a separate social circle and people who provide mental stimulation. But I am lonely and sad. Particularly today.