Hello to this wonderful group,
I read Melissa's book and found this forum last summer. Have only now found the nerve to officially "join" and post. I was married for 14 years (no kids) and when it ended in 2011, I vowed that I would not make the same mistakes again. I haven't, yet I've made a whole slew of new, perhaps worse, mistakes.
I am 46 and my boyfriend is 57. We've been "shacking up" for two years. We met at a business conference and immediately hit it off. Although he told me that he'd been diagnosed with ADHD in the past, I really had no clue what that meant - for an adult to have it, that is. He seemed like a very well-accomplished entrepreneur, someone thought highly of in our industry. (I have the same type of business, of my own.) I had NO idea what "hyperfocus" was, but I've sure learned now. It was a whirlwind romance (long distance, no less) and we moved in together in a new part of the country 3.5 months after we met. Yep.
Hindsight may be 20/20 but it's also a b*tch. I should have asked more questions. I should have been very clear with my desires and expectations. He too had been married before and had been divorced 10+ years, but his was a messy situation with an ex that wished him dead (and still does), and two young-adult kids in the mix, who want nothing to do with him (ostensibly due to the ex-wife's brainwashing them to hate him, over the years.)
Fast-forward to now. We've been shacking up for two years. I bought the house that we live in. I bought every single appliance and piece of furniture. I pay all but two of the monthly bills/utilities/expenses and I pay all the "big" household stuff like insurance, home warranty, etc. Of the two "shared" household bills that are in his name, that he agreed to pay, both are habitually paid late and have been threatened to be shut off, or have been shut off. The worst being a year ago when he was so late paying our internet/tv/phone bill that our internet was shut off. Back then I still had my head in the sand and didn't realize how far behind he was (and that he seemed not to care) - until I tried to log onto my laptop that morning and had no connection. Because BOTH of our businesses depend 100% on internet access, that was a particularly horrible time. I'm still not sure why I didn't force him to move out, right then. On two occasions, his mother (who is in her 80's) bailed him out by giving him money. To pay off his car and later, to settle up some legal issues that were lingering with the ex-wife. Yes, this man is 57 and his MOTHER had to bail him out. Ugh. I certainly was not going to pay.
The reason he insists that (his, thus "our") finances will be better in the future is because he has a new "public" gig that has been in the works for ~2 years and is just now coming to fruition. In theory, yes, this "job" COULD bring a lot of money. But right now it seems to actually TAKE more time, that he could/should be spending "work-working" - and we've not seen an increase in his income. This new "project," which I admit IS very exciting, goes hand-in-hand with his regular business. But because this project is "public" in nature... to the outside world, he has the tiger by the tail. All of his friends online and most of them in real life see him as a leader, as a huge success. If they only knew. :-(
He spends huge amounts of time on social media. Yes, some of that time is "working" I admit, by promoting stuff, etc on Facebook or Twitter. But a LOT of that time is spent simply surfing the web, in the time-suck of Facebook, etc. He has his phone set up with notifications, so that he gets a "ding" or sound every single time he gets an email. Or a text. Or a Facebook message. On and on and on. His phone might as well be glued to his hands... it is maddening.
He does not take meds for his ADHD; he did so once in the distant past and said he didn't "like it" so he just let it go. He was Dx'd by an expert in the field, yet he is not interested or willing to get "treatment" now, in any form. I asked him to read Melissa's book and he downloaded it to his Kindle, but he's only read the first chapter or two. He says he is "too tired" to read... or has other excuses. Yet he has time to play stupid games and post humorous (crap) on FB, etc. Nice priorities.
I apologize for this long post, but I don't really know where to begin. I love this man and want to give him every chance. But my finances are suffering and I did NOT sign up for this. I moved across the country to start my life over. I signed up for a partnership... in every sense of the word. And while I am relatively successful in our field, I don't have the many years of experience - and the "leadership role" - that my boyfriend does. So why am I making so much more money? Why is he not trying? He should be running circles around me, in terms of income. And I honestly believe that he is capable of this. He promises to do x, y and z - that will help him make more money - but he does NOT follow through. I have tried speaking to him from my heart. I've cried. I've begged. Pleaded. Even yelled a little bit. I almost set an ultimatum... but for the most part I caved... I just couldn't do it. I think that at this point, he is comfortable with me towing the line. He knows that I *will* pay the bills, that he has a fabulous roof over his head, a beautiful house with a pool, etc. Yet it strikes me as so disrespectful and thoughtless that he doesn't make the effort to step up his income and chip in. His words say one thing - but his actions speak much louder.
Of course this imbalance in finances has nearly ruined my sex drive. At times it feels like I cannot even respect him, which feels awful, sad and frustrating. I know from reading here, and in the book, that my REACTIONS are key. And I feel like I've learned more about ADHD than he has... and yet I don't know what to try next.
Any suggestions would be wonderful. Again, so sorry for this long post. Thanks for reading.
DItto...
Submitted by Janice1512 on
Second Chances, I am sorry that you have found yourself here. Your story resonates as I found myself in a not-to-dissimilar situation a couple of years ago. I finally had to end the relationship earlier this year after trying to get my ADHD partner to take control of his life. Now that we've broken up he's told me on several occasions that he's finally gotten around to reading all the ADHD stuff which had bombarded his email inbox over the last few months. Although he now repeatedly says things like, "Wow! This is so me..." he has made no effort to reach out to the dozens of therapists whose contact information has graced his email inbox courtesy of me. I must confess that I'm just relieved it's over. I hope that he eventually gets a clue and will do something to improve his quality of life and that of his friends and family, but if he doesn't, well, it no longer affects me.
It does seem that a good number of people with ADHD (please note, I did not say ALL) choose to play the victim so as not to deal with their condition. I have seen this, too, in the autistic community of which I am a part as are other members of my family. Someone on another post made the comment that someone with ADHD can never be neurotypical "NT". Yes, I would agree with that. As I have Asperger's Syndrome I will never be NT either, but that sure it's going to stop me from trying my da^&$%est to fit into the NT world. It's a struggle, but you just do what you have to do. I make mistakes, but most people overlook them after pointing them out to me as I did make a good faith effort and I'm upfront about my condition as often as I can be. I know my sister gets VERY angry at people who try to cut her autistic daughter slack by saying my niece "doesn't have to try since she's autistic" to which my sister usually responds with "that's precisely why she will be expected to try." While my niece may not succeed, she's at least put forth an effort which is all we can ask of anyone with physical or emotional challenges. I have a friend with a husband who's battling terminal cancer and will probably not see it through the end of the year. He will be leaving behind a widow and two young school age child - now that's a man who's a victim! However, he doesn't act like one. He works when he can to support his family despite the horrific treatment program and spends as much quality time with his wife and kids as possible as he knows that he might not be there for the next birthday, Xmas or anniversary. I wish more ADHD partners would give diagnosis, medications and therapy an old-fashioned try!
The only real advice I can give is that I regret not having put a timeline on my involvement in my previous relationship. I feel like I wasted a good number of years. If I had to do it over again, I would have said to him that you have 1 year (or two, or whatever you can commit to) and at the end of that I would have had my/our affairs in order and would have just left. Because I wasn't firmly committed to a timeframe, I let things go on too long and I think that in some ways I was probably a bit more bitter about the breakup than I would've been if I'd been more proactive.
Again, so sorry that you're going through this. Best wishes in finding a resolution.
Taking it easy
Submitted by jennalemon on
I have a friend who has ADHD. She has bills and is traveling and charging and getting more and more in debt without health insurance or a plan for the future. She is over 50 and works part time as she always has, living "by the seat of her pants" and credit. When I told her that Social Security pays out what you put in and that it is not enough to live on when you retire, she said, Oh by that time I will be married and HE will have a house. No one in sight for her marriage plans but totally living only in the moment and trusting on the kindness and planning that other people might do for her in the future. It seems that she is expecting others to take care of her future for her. I have a sister who depends on her husband for all finances. She spends. He earns. She takes him for granted and likes to brag about having money. She has NO respect or love for him. She gambles and travels. They don't have a lot. She expects others to take care of her. She also happens to have ADD. There is a denial that there is a problem (or even that there is a future) and a refusal to plan for the future or contribute to the finances.
What happens is that the spouse, especially if she is a woman whose own father was financially responsible for family, feels that her spouse is not taking care of the family or her and that he sits in his denial and ignoring anything other than the "feel good" moment.
To me, it is like a ticking time bomb. When will we find ourselves unable to take care of ourselves? It was OK while I was young enough and healthy enough to take up the slack that he created. But I am tired now and others my age have a retirement. I find myself working full time at the age of 65. He is younger than me. He works 1-3 days a week, no retirement, no health insurance, bills he is not paying, taking it easy the other 4 to 6 days.
Just a note to you younger than I am. SOMEONE has to look to the future to HAVE a future. I did, with my IRAs and inheritance but he did not. His bills are now my bills. And my memories of him throughout our marriage is of him "taking it easy". Not fond memories.
Expectations
Submitted by sunlight on
"my sister usually responds with "that's precisely why she will be expected to try.""
This is excellent - clear, direct and on point. Your niece is lucky. My husband's ADHD was not diagnosed until he was 55. Although all the signs were there in early childhood his family stuffed everything as far under the carpet as possible (the same with other family members). I've written in another post that after his diagnosis I raised my expectations rather than lowered them.