This post isn't about add/adhd, personality disorders, bi-polar disease or any other mental, physical or emotional suffering.....It's about Adults, it's about freedom, and being free....Free to take a spouse, to work a job, own a business, to bring innocent children into the world, and parent them...It's about people who live long lives, and survive those lives just fine.....This post is about the responsibility level and attitude of you and your spouse... (two people who chose, and is choosing, to live out their lives together as one flesh)
Do you have a healthy marriage relationship?....Do you and your spouse both get up every day with a peaceful spirit, and go about being responsible to all the things that you vowed or agreed to be responsible for? (each other, minor children, jobs, family, and other responsibilities)....Are you both open, and approachable in your one flesh relationship? Do you always have a loving and welcoming smile, hug and a kiss for each other? Even though you have marriage vows, are you each others favorite person? Do you love spending time together, and make sure you both seek to do it daily, if at all possible?...IF you both tell each other daily that you love each other, is both of your lived lives bearing that comment out, and making it truth? In 5 years of reading and posting on this site, I don't remember anyone coming her to discuss their healthy attachment...So their is a good possibility most of us can't answer all the above questions in the affirmative....
So for those of us who do not like our answers, what are we going to do about our own lives? I'm going to give a grade 1-5 to the things I've tried, and the results, and maybe a comment......1 = no help...5 = amazing help....A 0 means just more harm.....
1) Angrily Demanding her to be responsible to her role, her vows.......(0).
2) Verbal battling..........(-0) This is the worst thing possible.....Nothing said can be unsaid...Plus my conscience would drive me to apologize for my role in the argument, to a person who's mind is so messed up, she was using my apology as a way to justify her behavior....A person who shows little to no remorse....So I found out, you can never argue w/ her, with out undoing any good thing previously accomplished....
3) Point out her dysfunction, and irresponsibility in a calm way....(1)....It can be a (2) if it's done in love, and never repeated or harped on...
4) Disciplining my life to not pick up behind her, even if it means I endure messes that I have great disdain for.....A solid (3).
5) Discipline my life to not mother or enable her....(4)
6) Disciplining my life to not expect her to be any different...Even if she surprises me on occasions w/ her kindness....This is a solid 3 for our relationship, But it's a 5 for my emotions....
7) Boundaries (5)...My wife see's life like an immature child for the most part....Anything she don't like or desire (adult obligations) she basically dodges it, complains about it, (victim) or refuses to take part...This squashes openness, approachability, and forces boundaries in things most married adults could never understand....She can't see the error of her ways....Boundaries are imperative for those of us who can't trust our spouse....Any adult, who looks to control by any means, must face NO's, or they will run over you, take advantage you, all in the name of self interest, and fun....(Selfishness)....My wife know's I enjoy intimacy and an active sex life, so, she will use sex (prostitute herself) trying to manipulate me to travel (intercontinental)....If we do not refuse to share in the things that we know will be abused, then we are asking for the abuses....I will never trust my wife, because she can be bought with frivolity opportunities....If I was laying in bed sick enough to need assistance, and her adult Son (who is much like her, in many ways, self entertainment being one) called and asked her to go hiking or rafting....Based on our past, I have no doubt she would leave ....So would you trust her? LOL...Better question, are you trusting an untrustworthy human, just because you are married to them? Wow, that is so dangerous....Boundaries will force accountability, where it's hated...
8) Grow a thick skin, and learning to ignore victim and immature comments....(5) (when I can do it.)....This has been vital in keeping our sex life alive...She only likes sex when she's having her O, the starting, the intimacy, the work is to much for her lazy and selfish demenor...And she like many I have read about here, if it is work, or if it's no fun for me...Forget it!....The only time this kind of adult considers their spouse is when it entertaining and fun for them...This part (the not giving, the not doing relational work) is a heart matter to me....She is not idiot,, it's just thoughtlessness...unconcern!...Because if she's being entertained or it's shame driven, the girl can work...
9) Separation (4)....My life was so much easier, the house stayed clean and organized...But I love her, and felt I could have done better with wisdom, acceptance and boundaries....So that is where we are today...
What about you, have you found ways to build ur own healthy life style, no matter the road your spouse takes??
c
Thank you, c ur self. I'm
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you, c ur self. I'm divorced, but much of this seems relevant right now because my ex-husband's parents both died very recently, and my ex now seems to want to have a relationship again (a relationship that, I fear, would involve mostly him depending on me).
Im afraid I've read your posts far to long to not say something
Submitted by c ur self on
No one know's his history better than you do P.I.....He justified abandoning you like you didn't exist, and wouldn't even communicate or respond to your efforts.....Burn me once shame on you...Burn me twice, shame on me.....Yeah, I think I would tell him thanks but no thanks....You raised your kids...No sense in allowing him to use you as his crutch.....IF he is forced to discipline his life, work a real job and support himself....He may learn about responsible adult living....
c
Thank you, c ur self. Your
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you, c ur self. Your perceptions are very accurate. I appreciate the reinforcement for my desire to keep strong boundaries.
Purpose
Submitted by jennalemone on
c, I have been mulling this all over, like you on this site, for five years. What works? What doesn't work?
First of all. I regret not leaving when I was young enough and had the energy and ability to start over.
That not being the case, I will agree with you what does not work. I think you listed those things very well. Confronting the ADHD or H's inabilities or trying to talk about the problem does not work with him but makes us both feel bad. Although sometimes a person just needs to make themselves seen and heard for their own sanity and self-hood. Being the only person married in a marriage is just too hard to bare silently alone....which is why many of us come here to be heard.
H and I live like roommates who do not like each other very much. At least I have taken away the onus of failure from myself and stopped beating myself over the head TRYING to partner with someone who can't be expected to be part of a team. ACCEPTING has helped me the most in all of this. And I had to go through a lot of grieving with that acceptance that the relationship I expected and needed was NEVER going to come to being. In a good marriage there are 3 entities. You, your spouse and the marriage. When the marriage is not given any effort on the part of one of the people, the marriage does not exist. So, how do I live in this arrangement if I accept it as it is? Acceptance. I am also grieving the loss of friends and family. As we age, people die and some people have no energy to keep up the travel or the social functions that keep you together. That is another acceptance and grieving that I have been doing.
Everyone needs a PURPOSE. I think marriage and family can be a purpose which was what I put my thoughts and energy into for most of my adult life. Creativity can be a purpose which was my passion before marriage. I love art and music and making a home. When young, my purpose was learning. I loved learning. I have taken up reading again but that, like TV and movies, is mostly a distraction. What is the difference between a purpose and a distraction? Reading has been reminding me that all of us have difficulties, challenges, disappointments and sometimes tremendous hardships beyond what we think a person can endure, yet the lessons and sharing can help us get through and inspire others. I just finished "The Book Thief" which takes place during WW!!. My disappointments seem trivial in comparison and I am inspired to write. I have joined a writing group and I believe that outlet will be good for my sense of well-being. Spewing out my soul like I do here sometimes but with more organization and art. Since I can't have what I think I want (a happy marriage and loving companion) I will let the journaling and learning about myself and life be one of my purposes, for now.
Jenna...
Submitted by c ur self on
I love that you are seeking to find purpose and contentment for your life... I agree, acceptance really has allowed me to see the futility and wasted days and years i spent trying to point out the dysfunction....There are just many people with minds, that make them completely incapable of a healthy attachment...And I married one....So I've accepted that, and moved on with my life...I will always love her and she is welcome by my side, but i want be there waiting...She will find me joyfully enjoying the life God has blessed me with...
bless u friend...c
C - number 7 and 8 - wow,
Submitted by shulk on
C - number 7 and 8 - wow, that's my life to a tee, man! Trying to work on the thick skin. I love my wife. But this stuff is just so sad...