It has been so long, I forget what it feels like to have someone care about me. I have been married almost 8 years and have been thinking about how in those 8 years I think we have French kissed twice, how awful sex has been because he's incredibly awkward and critical, how I haven't wanted to even touch him in years because he does not shower or shave regularly (which I'm blamed for, of course). His fingernails are longer than mine. He is the laziest person I know, eats crap day in and out, makes a bunch of pasta for himself and doesn't want to share it with me or our child. He doesn't call or text or email me to say anything nice, he never compliments me, he's not on Facebook so there's nothing between us there. He ignores me when I talk to him. He forgets so many things, leaves me to do all the bills. He doesn't work. He plays video games, wanders ahead of me when we're out, walks away constantly, gets what he needs and that's it. He is not interested in our child, either. He doesn't help with her English/reading or math, he just isn't interested in her as a person. He spends the day telling her to go away or be quiet. She can't shout or run etc. without being yelled at. He has no tolerance for anyone doing anything. He doesn't want her doing anything "messy" because God forbid he has to clean something. His mantras are "I can't/I won't/I don't wanna". 

I am truly just his mom. That's all I am. He is now letting me support him, feed him, pay for him. His dad and mom had good money and let him get away with not working til he was in his 30's. Then he went to film school and that's the time when we were "dating". He was living apart from them and things seemed to be OK. 

But he's just been all about himself our whole relationship. Even in sex, he is the most boring lover. I've had GOOD sex and know the difference. He was also very into porn which he doesn't use anymore but I mean I think it wrecked him as well. He doesn't know how to relate to another human being.

But things like he doesn't brush his teeth and his breath and body stinks, he lets his beard grow like crazy and looks like a freaking mountain man. 

He doesn't care how I feel about anything. When I have a feeling or I'm sad he says he cares and wishes he could help me but you know how it is, he just can't and doesn't blame himself, either. Doesn't try or anything, just says oh well I can't so there you go. His parents also pretty much took over our lives when we went to live in Canada. I can't get into it, but his dad just stopped giving him his "courtesy" paycheck since he sold his business and now I am barely scraping by enough to support us and I work 7 days a week at two jobs.

In the meantime he reads The Walking Dead comics, reads books, plays solitaire, reads Yahoo and Wikipedia, and writes crap for a wiki he made up. I am enraged by his lack of care for me and his child. Looking for apartments, he can't even do that. He says his searches are all bad and he gets no results. He can't look up anything, he doesn't do his own taxes, he is incapable of being an adult in any way.

I am tired of being a mother to a 43 yr old man. I'd like to have a real husband.