I have been with my ADHD husband for 6 years, married for 2. He was diagnosed about a year into our marriage. We have a 9 month old baby and I am seriously contemplating divorce.
He has been a lot of fun, and can be very caring. He can also be incredibly selfish, neglectful and aggressive. He has hit me when I was 38 weeks pregnant, threatened to punch me and been verbally abusive. He has no self-esteem and I am in constant battle with his ego.
He is getting help now and on medication, but after everything I have been through with him (including infidelity on his part), I no longer feel I love him and I definitely do not respect him. He is far less angry and no longer verbally abusive, but I still can't communicate with him. He is defensive and belligerent and insists that regardless of how he speaks to me, I should listen when he says he doesn't mean it.
Can anyone give me tips on communicating or hope? Has anyone come back from the brink? I've spoken to his psychologist who says I need to be more flexible - that if he is cussing and screaming to just let him do it, and if he insists on holding the baby in the bath in one hand and a hot coffee in the other, I should just let him do it his way. I'm really frustrated at that kind of advice because I don't want to live with that.
if I didn't have a baby with him, I would definitely have filed for divorce already. Even though we always had problems, after I got pregnant, our relationship really deteriorated very badly.
Evie....you gotta hold your own sanity and self
Submitted by jennalemone on
Evie, see the post I just entered...about being on a planet by myself. See what happens to a wife who "is more flexible" and LETS HIM?????? "just lets him do" and "just let him do it his way." You would be ME in 30 years. Ashamed of yourself for letting yourself become someone you cannot respect because you have supported HIM to do things you are uncomfortable with. I would like to have a few words with your psychologist. When it comes to home life, the main caregiver, OWNS that space and knows that space. Someone else, including a spouse, is not the law and order in that space. You need to let your wishes in that space (the baby's space that you are in charge of) be the law. If there are loud words or warlike actions when you are claiming dominion of your own space, do not take the words personally but just WATCH how the people in your space respect you and your space.
Also, you say that your H has "He has no self-esteem and I am in constant battle with his ego" Check that. I thought this was true of H also. As an outgoing salesman, how did I think that? Because H would say to me, "You gotta support me in my decisions", He would sulk which I interpreted to mean that he "felt bad" but really he was just being childish getting his way with me. Why did I think he has low ego? I was wrong. His ego depended upon whether he could manipulate me and "play" me as he "played" customers just working for a sale.
I wish I had known that it was not my responsibility to "make" him happy at the price of my well-being. Don't be like I was. Be careful to whom you give your heart to. H actually had more than his share of self-esteem...he was actually self entitled.
Sorry
Submitted by adhdmomto4 on
I'm so sorry about this. I'm sure there are positives to your relationship and that's probably what the psychologist is holding on to. Maybe he/she is tackling one issue at a time and instead of "let it go" maybe "lets work on the bigger things" before the smaller? I'm not sure. But at any point physical or verbal abuse is not excusable. Neither is infidelity. Once you feel that you do not love someone you have to take a long look at what you would reasonably put up with. My thoughts....living with a husband who was diagnosed 20 years ago....they speak without thinking. That's their biggest issue. It can cause some hurt feelings yes, but typically they are not derogatory in nature (maybe sometimes it comes out that way but not always) and certainly not physical (or sexual). Have you thought about seeing someone together?