Submitted by add on 02/04/2015.
This blog is filled with so many, mostly women, who have agonized for so many years over their husbands ADD behaviors. I did the same thing, too, until after 25 years he had an affair (one of many I am sure) and walked out on the family. Where is he today? He's on a cruise enjoying himself with his girlfriend. Where am I? I am totally alone dealing with our son who is ADD, has a very good possibility of being bipolar and suffers from severe depression. What I would give to have the years back and to have made the decision years ago to end it. A message to all women - don't be financially dependent on your husband! Biggest mistake I ever made!!!
Absolutely agree
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
My biggest mistake was to become financially dependent. I am much less so now because H is retired. I would automatically get half of his pension if we split (this scares him...lol)....and I have started a business (two years ago) that is doing very well.
I wish I had done this years ago.
Yesterday leads to today
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
One of the most difficult things for me is to leave yesterday's and last week's and last month's and last year's hurts in the past. Our brains are amazing organs. They learn patterns of behavior. As much as I would love to be able to leave the painful experience behind me and move on - when the same pattern of behavior happens, all that old stuff floods right back into my current memory.
I cannot say my choices were the biggest mistakes I ever made. Clearly a lot of them did not have my anticipated results. Yep, my own expectations were not met. My spouse and I got married after he rescued me - from a deep depression and as close to suicidal state as a person can get. We have a wonderful son and daughter, both in their mid 20s.
Before I met my spouse, I had gone to business college, lived on my own, and also worked full time for 7 years in the accounting department of local corporation. My spouse was starting his own construction business when I met him. After marriage, I quit my job in the accounting department, ran the administrative end of his business, and was a stay at home mom.
What I had thought was, we would marry and meld our lives and skills and raise our little family while growing his business. What I experienced was many power struggles and non-resolved conflicts. Non-resolved conflicts have a way of popping up over and over in a person's life.
I DO NOT know how the average marriage works. I know how mine worked. I couldn't seem to get to a place of comfort. Thus started my educational journey into married life. Some people try every diet in the world - I tried every conflict-resolution program, communication program, marriage counseling, relationship book, self-help book and program I could find. I also found every conflict-resolution program, communication program, marriage counseling, relationship book, self-help book and program did not bring about the desired result. Why?
When my son was in the 4th grade, we discovered our really intelligent, creative and inventive young son had an ADHD wired brain. I spent a lot of my time trying to "make" the public school system work for us. By the time he graduated from high school, I fully realized that some of his behaviors were identical to that of his Dad. I saw the ADHD in my spouse much sooner than he could accept it. He got his diagnosis in 2010.
In the end, my reality today is :"No, I am not a doctor, nor psychologist, nor counselor. I have gained a lot of wisdom. I see what I see. I mean what I say, and I saw what I mean. I try to acknowledge my own mistakes and fouls and errors. My life experience and learned knowledge are valuable to me."
I tried to be tolerant, patient, and learn as much about ADHD as I could. My efforts and time spent did not bring about the desired results. Why? Were my standards too high? Did I not have quality gifts to share? Was I too bossy? Was I dissatisfied?
Mostly I am disappointed the desired results of conflict resolution, and negotiating our lives, and giving 110% and hoping to receive 110% did not happen. Changing my behavior did not have the effect on my marriage that I anticipated.
I am 55 years old. I know a lot of things that don't work. I have not found the elusive thing that will work for me in evolving my marriage into a happy place..
My willingness to try yet one more thing came to an abrupt end. I am NOT willing to try anything else. All the bag of tricks were mine. My bag of tricks is empty. Depleted. I have jumped the tracks to a path that will lead to my own happiness.
There are many things that are beyond my control. The weather. Unforeseen disasters. Unforeseen health problems. ANYONE beside the lovely lady that lives inside my skin and my soul. I like that person :)
♫People are asking where you've been
They say, "Have courage," and I'm trying to
I'm right out here for you
Just let me in♫
Liz
Dont become dependent
Submitted by Jimbo on
That is something I have avoided in my marriage. And I haven't allowed her to become dependent on me. I don't trust my wife enough to get that involved. At least financially. If I felt trapped like that, getting out would be all I would think about. Also my ability and willingness to end our marriage has been instrumental in forcing her to face her ADHD. If she could she would avoid confronting this problem even though she sees the toll it takes on me..
I am blessed that I combined our finances....I am not dependant
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Jimbo,
I have my administrative skills and my accounting skills. I ran the construction business from the administrative end since we married. My spouse and son are the creative minds and the physical brawn of the business. I hold up most of the administrative end - sans billing and estimates.
Our lives' finances are entwined. We own our house together. We file our taxes together. Our debt is together. Thus, I agreed to financial choices, thinking it would be supportive and be received as such. I chose to take the path of stay at home Mom and housewife. In my own mind, it was not a sacrifice, it was what I loved. I made choices. I am a low key, no frills, blue jean and t-shirt country gal. Not a clothes horse, could care less about jewelry, and don't need expensive vacations.
So, now I am in college. Have been attending part time since January 2012. I am 55 years old. By this December I will have my degree in Early Childhood Education. What can I do with a brand new degree at 55 years of age? Oh, the possibilities are endless!
The tension around here is thick. I have been unable to find the way that we can renegotiate our lives. I do not FEEL heard. I do not FEEL validated. I do not FEEL acknowledged. I do not FEEL like an asset to my relationship - as least not in the ways that I would find satisfying. My feelings are valuable to me. I see a man in a lot of pain, and I know full well the state of our relationship adds to that pain. I also know it is not the sole reason of the pain. I did not cause all of it, I can't control any of it, and I also cannot cure anything. I have no professional training in any sort of psychology or psychiatry or medical fields. I have life training. I know what I see. I know what I feel. I know what I hope.
We are currently in a lot of debt. Actually, if we sold all we had, paid off our debt, we would both end up with nothing, so prudence has been guiding my steps. The budgets I came up with, and the financial growth plans I created were not effective.
I do not choose to just go and grab any job I can get. I have the luxury of being selective, and search for something fulfilling and life enriching. I chart my path with clarity and wisdom. I have always been a survivor. It is who I am.
Liz