I'm wondering if this is a reasonable boundary that I asked if my husband tonight?
I gave him a week to find some names of professionals who could help him with his ADHD, possible Aspergers, and his responsibility in those symptoms that affect our marriage.
I've read many posts and we have the typical problems. I relate to so much that I absolutely know my feelings are normal and our situation is typical. He's a wonderful man who truly loves me. I don't believe he realizes how much his actions or symptoms affect our marriage though. He's been content to let me figure out the issues and tell him what to do. I'm going to have to undo that pattern. I believe he doesn't know what to do but I think he needs outside help and professional help for himself. I'm his wife, I'm not a person who works with ADHD and I have feelings. I told him I'm responsible for my part and I will work on it. He reacted as he usually does (I'm sure it's because of shame issues he's experienced because of ADHD) when I make a request that I think is reasonable and he thinks I'm attacking him. But he did agree. I'm just not sure if I'm asking too much?
I don't think you're asking
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't think you're asking too much of your husband.
Reasonable Boundary
Submitted by MuchPatience on
It is a reasonable boundary, but it lacks the consequence. Otherwise, it's simply another request.
As a wife of an ADHD alcoholic, I have learned that I cannot make him do something. I go to Celebrate Recovery, which is a 12-step program similar to Al-Anon where I learn how to live a full, rich life in spite of my H's inability/unwillingness/resistance to getting help. I've become realistic about what's possible for me to control - pretty much nothing. However, I can make decisions that protect my well-being and mental state. I am becoming a peaceful person instead of a victim, recognizing how little I actually can do about him. But boundaries are extremely important - they teach those around us what behavior we will tolerate, and consequences are NOT punishment. They are the results of a choice the other person makes. Like, when he raises his voice, you can say, "Please use a normal tone with me" (using a kind and patient tone of your own) and if he chooses to keep yelling, you say, "Excuse me; I'm going out for a little while. I'll be glad to talk with you when it feels calmer."
Now, that is VERY hard to do, especially if you have a habit of calming, Reaction Control behavior, or worse yet, self-defense. Have you read anything about codependency? You will gain help there.
But, after all that, I will tell you, the thing that is finally working, after 12 years of marriage and the absolute maddening frustration of what we all are dealing with on this site, is that I am reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage, out loud, two or three pages at a time, to a receptive husband. I am extremely NOT defensive, I am thankful for the descriptions of the spouse of ADHD people in the book (so he doesn't' feel like he's the only one with problems), and he is really intrigued with what he's hearing. I read, for the first time, the term Oppositional Defiance Dysfunction, and we both burst out laughing. I said, "Please forgive me; I thought you were just an arrogant asshole!" He said, "So did I!"
He's heartened to think these various characteristics are not so much character defects but actual problems with potential solutions. He sees me as a partner in his ADHD after a decade of me wondering if he should be committed, he was so crazy. But as I realized his mind is like a hamster wheel with way too many rodents racing around in there, and I began to show him compassion, he became less defensive. He has boatloads of shame. He knows his behavior is awful, but he feels helpless and confused and really defensive, and with my new compassion, he no longer has to fight against me. Sometimes when I'm on the verge of strangling him barehanded, I stop and ask, "Is the wheel full of rodents?" He calms down, knowing I understand.
Hey, it's not a picnic yet, but for the first time I feel like we might actually find a place of calm, trust, peace, and sanity over the next few years. I'd settle for two out of four, but am ready to hope for the best. I hope that for you, too.
Great Progress!
Submitted by Delphine on
It seems to me that in getting help for yourself at Celebrate Recovery, accepting that you don't have control over him, setting appropriate boundaries, coming to understand his issues in more depth, and thus able to feel more compassion for where he is at...you have managed to open the door to real progress in your relationship. It is so great to hear that you are able to read The ADHD Effect on Marriage together and even find humor in your situation. Fantastic! And inspiring.
I hope you will keep us posted on your further progress. I might check out Celebrate Recovery myself. I am not currently in a relationship but I have a long history of relationships with ADHD folks. My mother and my son's father (both undiagnosed) and my son.
on reding out loud...
Submitted by MuchPatience on
Thanks, Delphine! I sounded like things are better with him than they are - like, is he going to be receptive to the next few pages? - but the bottom line is still that I am only responsible for my own well-being. I cannot be supportive, or even tolerant of him as long as I feel like his victim, like he stands between me and serenity. The idea of being married to a man (ahem, this is my third husband - I seem to seek out alcoholics, but I understand why), anyway, the idea of being married to someone I am unable to have a rich connection to is NOT what my plan was! Don't we all buy into the happily-ever-after dream? But it is what it is, and he is a fine man with some problems, and I am gaining health and peprspective.
My support people at Celebrate Recovery remind me: THERE ARE NO VICTIMS - ONLY VOLUNTEERS. Eeek; swallow that one!
Keep on keeping on!
Submitted by Delphine on
Indeed, I have been focusing on that concept (no victims etc.) for some time now. In fact, it is central to my philosophy. I'm the New Age person in this forum. ;) And I've put this to perhaps the ultimate test, in accepting my responsibility (which does not equate to blame) for the sexual abuse I experienced in childhood.
There is no comfort, no relief in victimhood. Seeing ourselves as victims and others as perpetrators only keeps the cycle going.
I had an interesting dream the other night. Someone was reading my palm, and he said to me, in a very definite tone: "You don't have to feel responsible for anyone else!" I admitted to him that I did have this tendency to be codependent due to issues in my family of origin (which included, as I suspect is also true for you, alcoholism).
Perhaps you do have a rich connection to your husband, in spite of all the problems. As long as you are growing together, that is the important thing. Keep on reading those pages to him, whether he is receptive or not! At some level I am sure it's sinking in. For myself, I feel the important thing is to develop my own soul connection. We all have the option to do that, regardless of what is happening in our physical relationships. And as someone said, the kingdom of heaven is within.
My post below was to your
Submitted by bluesky on
My post below was to your comment but it didn't attach the right way. I think your post is incredible and very inspiring. Thank you. This is my second marriage to a person with ADHD (how the heck did I do this?). Reading codependency books now, lights are starting to come on :)
Wow!
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
Good for you. Amazing. I might get that book once I broach the subject of ADD with my husband and read it aloud to him. We could do with some humour in our lives.
Incredible
Submitted by bluesky on
I looked into codependency after Melissa's workshop as she mentioned it there and I was desperate. Its a water well in the middle of the desert. I am just starting on the path and am starting to feel peaceful again like I used to long ago, but your post validates its a worthwhile process. I would love to feel and sound like that one day. But its already changing my life for the better. I noticed that I was bending backwards and forwards for other relationships as well.
My marriage did not get better, however. We just try not to interact (mainly me) because its the same thing over and over again--I don't have ADHD, you are a difficult person, you are exagerrating the effects, you are just tasking me all the time, etc. etc. I am so sick of hearing it, its not funny.