I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD, and Dr. Orlov's book described my marriage to a T. My wife is seeking separation because of numerous issues that have not been resolved (that I only now know are related to ADHD). I feel like we have the chance to make things right again, with a proper understanding of ADHD, but she is unwilling to pursue further counseling, or really do anything at all. And I get it. She's got a lot of hurt, and has tried time and again with me, with little change. I get why she wants out from that. But it seems like I've just discovered a whole new set of tools to try, that are much better suited to our problems.
There's been a lot of good in our relationship, it isn't all bad. I want to see what we can do when we're both at our best.
How do I show her that things can be so much better than they were, when she will barely talk to me?
Roger
Roger
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Hello Rodger. I'm sorry you find yourself coming to this website for help, but you are in good company here.
There have been many posts similar to yours. Ownership is the first step and that is what you're doing.
Many non ADHD spouses have responded by saying actions not words. In order for your wife to believe things can change, she needs to see lasting change with you. Often words don't mean anything because they are just words, without the behavior to back it up.
Also, if the issues in your marriage have been going on quite a few years it may take time for her to come around.
Yes, things have been
Submitted by Roger Peterson on
Yes, things have been deteriorating for a while... and she's heard 'I can change' may times before. I believe learning about ADHD is a true game-changer, but I get that the words don't mean much right now. It's hard because it feels like any positive action is still viewed as an attempt to win her back as opposed to true lasting change. But I suppose that's where consistency over time comes in. Keep showing up as the new growing me, regardless of lack of response.
Thanks
The road back
Submitted by BIGREDDOG on
Roger,
Adele is right, actions speak louder than words. Focus on taking care of yourself, find a good psychiatrist that understands ADHD and work with them to figure out what medication works best for you. Don’t be afraid of meds they are a life saver. Learn as much as you can about about ADHD, there is no one size fits all with ADHD, so figure out your particular type of ADHD so you can understand how it affects you world. Study mindfulness meditation and do it, get plenty of quality sleep, learn what foods set you off and what feeds you brain (hint- fish oil ) and probably the most important in my opinion, get as much cardio workout as you can.
There are no guarantees in life but If you can incorporate these aspects into your life you will become a far better man and your marriage will have a thousand percent better chance of surviving.
I wish you and your marriage well
Yes, I'm working with a
Submitted by Roger Peterson on
Yes, I'm working with a psychiatrist on getting on meds, and am working on my diet and supplements. I've been pretty consistent with exercise these last few months and that's definitely helped as well. I'm trying to practice mindfulness - I do find it incredibly hard to maintain focus while doing that - my mind wants to spin off into so many things! Hopefully that will get better over time.
Thanks for your support!
I'm not expert, but I think
Submitted by Lesliebehere on
I'm not expert, but I think that one thing that may help, or at the very least help you process or fully understand would be for you to write her a long letter and acknolwedge all of the times she tried to work with you and help you and acknowledge her full frustration. Think of all of the times that she tried, and tried and tried and was so hurt and yet, you didn't respond or you responded but quickly went back to how you were.
I'm the add person in my marriage and I also know that my husband was extremely skeptial about this book, because he thought that this was a shiny, new thing for me that I would plunge into and then not really learn from or respond to. So, she sees you completely hopeful like you've found the "thing," only you only found it when she had to take this drastic step of seperating from you.
She may not be able to go back to trying with you, as it may have taken her a long time to get to this point and she just cant go back to being hopeful. However, it's still wortwhile for you to try by describing what has happened, describing what you think it may have been like for her. She was likely deeply hurt and deeply frustrated over and over again and you likely brushed her off, or didn't really take it all in. And not being heard is really, really hard. I also empathize with you, because I've been frustrated as hell as the ADD partner, so I'm not blaming you, but just trying to generate ideas for you.
I think that you should consult a therapist too, and have them help you write this letter or have them review the letter too, becaues no matter what, you need to do some work to better understand yourself and your marriage.
I'm sorry, this is so damned hard.
That's a good idea - I've
Submitted by Roger Peterson on
That's a good idea - I've been journaling about everything I'm learning along the way - things that I've never realized about myself, but have affected me so long (lack of boundaries, self esteem issues, highly sensitive to criticism, social anxiety, etc...), as well as about the many mistakes I have made in our relationship (not honouring her boundaries, not following through on things I've said I would do, not communicating well, etc). I've wanted to share them with her... but also don't want to overwhelm her with 15 essays about how things went wrong and what we can do about it. Working with a therapist to craft or at least edit makes good sense... make sure I'm not overwhelming her with too much stuff.
I know she's been more and more frustrated over time with promises to change, and then repeating the same promises three months later after things haven't changed... and over and over and over again... especially since it all seems new to me each time, as I keep forgetting what we talk about, until I am reminded of it the next time she gets upset with me.
I will review what I've been journaling... a good reminder for me in any case, and look into crafting a letter, while I keep working on the actions side of things.
Thank you.
Daniel
Hi Roger...
Submitted by c ur self on
I have found out over my 42 years of marriage, (the last 12 to a high level add wife) that most conflict and marriage problems are the fault of one thing..."Selfishness"....This isn't a add/adhd issue per se, it's a people issue...We ALL have blind spots related to our wants....(Selfishness)
The simple way to start making corrections in yourself, is to ask yourself a couple of questions, through out each day..."Am I living and speaking selfishness?" "...Do I want more than I'm giving?" ....Most all things the world will attempt to teach you concerning add/adhd, along with other personality disorders, will revolve around the lack of sensitivity you show toward others (spouse, and children, mostly) It's overwhelming and impossible for you to check all the boxes you are considering in this post (related to your past behaviors) if the Spirit of selfishness, and usery (taking advantage of others due to a self-absorbed heart and mind) is your dominant living of life trait....
It's also very difficult to CHANGE....Not impossible!
Most people (spouses) who are subjected to this kind intense self absorbed mind types, will go through some what of a normal and calculated progression...1) Point it out... (seek conversation concerning the behaviors, seek counseling etc, seek drugs for the spouse, hoping for a mind and heart change)...2) Anger and/or betrayal bitterness 3) Silence and withdrawal 4) Setting boundaries due to the inability to trust their spouse to care, or manage their lives in a responsible manner....
It's a life sucking black hole...A relationship that is void of responsible adult sharing and giving...So keep it simple...Daily ask yourself.....Am I willing to put her needs, and our household responsibilities ahead of anything related to my own good times, and selfish entertainment??
If your honest answer is NO, just simply face it, pack and disappear, allow yourself to finish out your allotted days on this earth, making it all about you, without any reminders it's not!....Which will allow your spouse the much needed emotional peace she needs....
I couldn't do this own my own....For me it takes Jesus, his power, his love, his forgiveness.....I pray Roger what ever path you choose, you find peace with it....
c
Reply to c ur self
Submitted by Alan on
In reply to the above comment from c ur self, I would just like to say.........
I have recently been diagnosed with ADD (within the last 6 months), and I have found that it has explained SO MUCH about me, my life, my marriage and my family! I can also say that I have found myself in the exact same place that Roger is in. Thank you Roger for posting! Reading through your post and the comments has been extremely encouraging and helpful - even though I too am in a very tender place in my marriage as well - seemingly for the exact same reasons.
C ur self, in regard to what you shared....... I found your comments very insensitive and unhelpful. You may be currently married to someone who has ADD, but you clearly don't understand the incredible struggle it is for people with ADD to function in life. They are NOT lazy and irresponsible nor do they have a Spirit of Selfishness that they prefer as their dominant 'living of life trait' over the needs of their spouse and family, as you have suggested.
ADD is a physical dysfunction in their brain (much in the same way that Dyslexia is). It leaves them stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, saddened, lonely, guilt ridden, and a whole host of other crippling and often debilitating emotions. The affects of these emotions, and the accompanying inability to perform many daily tasks at work and home that require the full functioning ability of the Executive Function of their brain (the part of their brain that has a very real and physically incapacity), often leads them to appear to be lazy, irresponsible, and selfish.
It sounds like you are probably on the receiving end of this type of behavior from your wife. However, branding anyone with ADD as being Selfish (and being so intentionally), is just another dagger in their heart! You would do well to take some time to study up on the realities of ADD, and accept that these realities are true. Again, much in the same way that the realities and struggles for someone with Dyslexia are true. And refrain from posting your clearly uninformed and very hurtful and unhelpful comments on pages like this where people like myself and Roger are looking for some real and meaningful help, support and encouragement.
As a Christian myself, I also found it shocking that your advise to Roger is to just accept that he is selfish, and pack up and leave his wife so that he can indulge in his selfishness, and she can live a happier life without him. Shame on you!!! I pray that no pastor, counselor, or other Christian would ever give me that advise, during this extremely painful time where I am praying daily that God would help us to restore our marriage!
Roger, thank you again for your post, and I look forward to reading other helpful replies from people who have been in our shoes and come through it.
Alan
RE: c ur self
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Alan,
I have been a member of this site for over four years. I have read most if not all of C's posts over the last four years. Have you read all of his posts?
He has been married to his wife for over 12 years now so he speaks from his own experience with his wife. He does know quite a bit about ADHD he's studied it he's read Melissa Orlov's books ( along with many others, I'm sure ) and he has tried everything within his power to help his wife.
You are correct in that "Nons" have no idea what it is like to have ADHD. My fiance has it, we're going on 5 years together. No matter how many books I've read or how he tries to describe it from his point of view I will never understand what it is like to be in his shoes. I am sure C has tried to understand his wife. I have found his comments to me to be helpful, even if I don't always agree with them. He seems like a caring and compassionate person. What would you call it if your ADD spouse behaves one way with others, and another with you? It would seem a little manipulative on their part, depending on what it is, wouldn't it? I mean, if they know what is right and can do it with others...why not with the person closest to them?
The majority of non-spouses posting here have lived with frustration for years. They hope and pray that their marriage will heal and be better then what it is. They try to let go and not pressure their partners in any way, but are frustrated when nothing changes. They are tired that everything seems to fall to them. It is an exhausting way to go through life. That said, the only person's behavior you can change is your own.
I know we are just reading posts on website so we really don't know each other and the same thing goes for C.
Hello Alan
Submitted by c ur self on
It's obvious you are somewhat offended by my post...It was sort of the purpose of it, to have that effect on those who are seeking concessions (making excuses for irresponsible living)....First I have adhd at some level since I was a child...(They didn't know what it was back then...They called me a day dreamer or deep thinker...I have also suffered w/ being an (HSP) all my life (highly sensitive person)...And you are right, my wife is a high level add lady...I understand the difference between born tendencies, (real distracting traits, that must be recognized, and battled multiply times a day) and willful choices....I need accountability, You need it, Roger needs it....All men need accountability...Accountability isn't pleasant....But it's a necessity!....I lived most of my younger and middle age years as a husband and Father, (until iphone calenders became available) with a fourth of a sheet of paper crumpled up in my front pocket...It was my daily list of to do's....It was prioritized and I marked out completed items....Moved the least important to the next day, if I failed to get them done that day....Never able to truly trust my memory while pursuing the responsibilities of a busy life....
I know about anxiety, I know about insecurities, I know about praying for relief...God is faithful....The last thing I want for Roger, you, myself is to leave our spouse's....But, I also know that if you do a exhausted search in scripture related to what God calls husband to be, (our God given responsibilities) you will never find one line that say's unless you have a distracted mind.....(IMO) What you aren't realizing is that there is no such thing as an appearance of; lazy, selfish, or irresponsibility...These are either or traits...They are facts of life....You are, or your not...There may be reason's it's more difficult for some, than others, but, the effects on those who are trusting us, and counting on us, is the same!! Never forget that!!, Because THAT is what makes us fit to be husbands and Fathers!...To excuse it, makes us completely unable to put myself in others shoes!....The husband or wife who is married to a concession seeker will always be taken advantage of, used and over worked....And the man or women who is using them will always defend their right to do it!...It takes a great and real love, to stop destroying someone's life, at your own peril....
How can we know if we truly have issues we are blind to? Well for believers we have the written and living word...And there is this question we can ask our selves....If I take my 3 favorite things in this life, (personal & individual likes or loves) take all the thought, time, attention, effort and energy that I have placed there....Then Flip it to the top 3 things, that has caused my marriage to be tender as you called it...Then there's your truth!...But, it takes Jesus in us, for that question to be asked, and for the impact to be owned w/ out excuse....
I will just tell you what I would want you to point out to me........Be careful of what the world is selling! God is who we answer to!....Stick to the scripture's for God's sons, men, husbands, and brothers...and never excuse the reality of what your living of life, is subjecting others to....
Bless you Alan
c
edit...I have been reading this book..."Safe People" by Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend....I think it helps us to gain a day to day perspective of the reality of human behavior, we may not recognize in others, and ourselves....We can't help ourselves, if we are blind to our needs....