This isn't a vent...And it's not a blame...It's just my view of our reality, and marriage in general.....
How many here has struggled to accept the limitations in your marital relationship? I sure have! WOW..LOL...I know we all have similar, but different circumstances....But many of us have the exact same dynamics....It's something new most days...Does it wear on you like it wears on me? We can be rocking along pretty well, then boom...I've talked before about not engaging during those high probability times...But lets face it.... My wife wants me with her, and I want to be with her, most of the time (trips, outings, etc..)
But the results is usually bad when we get w/ her side of the family...Especially my adult stepson's (not there fault, really good young men who love their mom) ...When she hit's hyper focus mode, nothing else matters....So what ever they do, she does or attempts to do...or just runs behind them....She has no conscience concerning my feelings, especially during these times...NONE!....And when I point it out, she just justifies it....She really lets me know my priority level in her heart and mind, by her actions (she doesn't have to say a word, and to try is just an insult).....So no matter how much I have hated training myself to peaceably live like she doesn't exist...I have had no choice (if I want a life that is) ....Because when I look beside me, there is no wife there, even when we are alone at home....And no wife that wants to be there...Except for those times she hasn't got a family member, girl friend, TV show or face book etc etc etc....to hyper focus on.....And when she seems some what content by my side, 90% of those times, it's because she is getting her way about something....(dinner out, movies, grand children over, or some other activity she has selected)
I don't like judging anyone....And I'm not judging her either...Because in the long run, it really doesn't matter whether it's pure selfish greed, or brain wiring....When our spouses justifies not being there for us, when they have no conscience related to their disrespectful actions, that my friends is a hopeless situation....So I can continue to go with her to visit the people or the places, that I know for 10 years now, has caused me to be put on hold, while she pursues her passions (not her husband)...Or I can say enough is enough....I think after this past weekend I've had enough....
I'm not angry, I knew it was going to happen when we left the drive way....But, I am worth way more than that, to a whole lot of people, and to a Great Big and Awesome God!....
If she ever see's herself and repents...I will know it....Because she will show up by my side...With a heart change (A new reality)...There will be no more blame, and she will have a great peace, just being the wife, she was created to be, and vowed to be...(No matter who's presents we are in)....Do I think this will ever happen....I don't know, but I do know that when I wake up, and during the day, and at bedtime, I give her and my desire for a Godly marriage to God....And all things are possible w/ God....
The saddest part is....If she never hungers to be the wife God is calling her to be, and she Vowed to be....She may live out her whole life, only to never know the wonders of being wife....This goes for me and all husbands as well...If we never accept the call on our lives to be the Husband we are called to be...And vowed to be, we've missed it....
So I'm working hard everyday to just trust the Father, and work on my responsibilities.....I just want to see my self, and never make excuses for not doing what I vowed to do.....Many of our Vows are somewhat limited, because it takes two for them to be honored (interaction) but all the one's that I can do, that don't require her presents or her willingness to share in....I want to honor and keep important....
I just want what God wants for all marriages....2 being 1....Love, respect, and faithfulness to one another......But it's just not my place or responsibility to continue to request her to care about her responsibilities and her attitude.... All you have to do is watch the attitude of a person to see if they are thankful or victims.....
Like I said, the day her eyes are opened, I want have to say a word....But, she will have plenty to say, and it will be all the things that hasn't ever come out of her mouth....She will be brand new!
Let it be so Father!
c
Stroke, stroke, stroke
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'Because in the long run, it really doesn't matter whether it's pure selfish greed, or brain wiring...'
Stroke, stroke, stroke...
'ADHD' is a hopeful diagnosis ('maybe there is a chance...') but when the reality does not ever change you still feel like you are at the bottom of a well.
LOL...Stroke...Stroke...Stroke....
Submitted by c ur self on
Love it...Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello...You can get a lot of echo way down here...:)
c
Dear C
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Dear C
This is the thing that bothers me the most. It's worse than all the chaos, and the outbursts and the irresponsibility, etc, etc. I feel like I don't exist for him. I've talked to him about it over and over again - he says he understands, but nothing changes. HIs behavior is that anything and anyone takes priority over paying attention to me. It's kind of incredible how far off "normal" his behavior is but he's OK enough with it to not do a thing differently. I think it is hopeless for you and for me. They won't change and I honestly believe they can't - not really. But I also believe they are not making a choice. I think they honestly can't balance things - they're either focussed or not focussed. We've become part of the background - we're the wallpaper - LOL - I'm flowers and you're stripes! I don't know what I'm going to do. I love him. I think he loves me as much as he is capable of (which isn't much compared to what you and I would consider love to be - which is something that you embody every day in actions and words, not just a warm fuzzy baby bunny feeling every once in a blue moon when you hear a corny love song!), but I am coming to realize that I will always be alone in this life with him. It's so hard to accept because I remember when we were so together and it always seems just around the corner again - or maybe it's that I can see it, but not quite ever reach it. It's crazy-making. We're in our 50's. I'm pretty sure that if I get sick or become incapable in some way (which goes up in likelihood as we get older) he will not be there for me. That is a scary thing for me to contemplate. So, yes, I think I know exactly how you feel. It really hurts to always be last on the list of the person who has always been first on my list. And understanding ADHD I can't even be angry about it anymore. Just very, very sad. And continuously facing the choice - cut this person off who I am so deeply committed to - or settle for so much less than I know is out there and watch my own opportunities dwindle away? Ughh, ughh, ughh!
Sweet and Sour....Yes, You do understand....
Submitted by c ur self on
Reading this post; made me feel like you had my heart in your hands....And sadly; I have yours....Yes; they feel like they are committed....But their whole life revolves around a mind that is FIXED on self....And you said it all so perfectly here....When you have been married 10 years, and you have never heard your spouse say.."Baby what would you like to do tonight?...Or where would like to go?"....That should tell us something??? LOL...
Mine meets my attempts to express these feelings of abandonment, with impatient's and an attitude of "that's your problem"....Maybe you are right...Maybe it isn't possible for them to consider us...
I"ve been slowly accepting the reality of it all....But going forward, I have to stop wishing and waiting for change, and start considering what I want out of life, and what is possible with our present circumstances....I would love for her to be by my side...But, that's up to her....I will always hold a place for her to come along side of her husband....But, I want look for it....And don't want it, unless, she is 100% convinced that it is the right place for her, and fills that place w/ Joy and thankfulness!...I'm worth it .LOL....As my 6 year old granddaughter use to sing to me (and dance) when she was 4 or 5......Baby I'm wurff it! ;)
I think I'm going to buy me (us if she finds herself available) a new camper soon (something nice, but just big enough for two, easy to pull)....Something I can pull to the beach or mountains, or just where ever I want to go.....And start getting out of town a little more....It's something I've wanted us to do for a while...
But, I'm not supported...She only wants to run after others, or talk about unrealistic adventures....She shows very little interest in investing in us, unless I follow her around like a puppy....That's over....LOL....
I retired at age 56 (61 now) and have put most of my energy (outside of my home responsibilities) into working out at the gym, riding my road bike, and loving on my children and grand children....But, if I'm going to enjoy getting away for some short trips, and see a few of the places I would like to see...Then I need to be about it.....
I've got a good life, and I'm am very thankful (many blessings)....But, it's just difficult to accept the place we have been stuck in for 10 years (even though nothing else may be possible with her).....To love someone who is incapable or unwilling of returning that love with energy and contentment....
Thank you so much for your reply, I hope your husband will experience the light of awareness, and find the mind ability to see your needs, and love you like you deserve!
Here is a very tight hug for you!.... (((())))
c
I can relate
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
c ur self, we meet again.
I can relate to you so much with the "running after people" and feeling like you don't exist. In the beginning of our relationship (before I knew about adhd) my husband had me following him around like a puppy while he was hyper-focused on everyone else. He would even force me to come out if I didnt feel well and convince me we would leave if i didnt feel better - yeah right. I would end up spending 8hr+ following him and his friends up and down, with him having no sympathy for me and how I was feeling. With me being a new immigrant,and not having any of my own stuff yet (including a job), I would be totally dependent on him taking me home. Instead he cared more about hanging out with his friends. For some reason, it mattered that I was present,
I had to put my foot down and got him to quit expecting me to follow him around like a puppy dog. I am even on strike too. I dont go anywhere with him and his friends at all now. It's been almost a year. I decided that when I realised that it doesn ever occur to him to have a date night - just us two. For a while, I made the effort to plan stuff for just us to do and for a while he would cancel our plans to hang our with his friends....expecting me to tag along like nothing happened. For a while, I had to deal with him last minute inviting a friend on our date, even though he knows its a big no-no.When he didnt just add a plus one to our day or evening, he would ask if he could.
Then came the period, where after my b**ing and moaning constantly everyday, he would ask me out to do something only when I am pissed at him in effort to sweep the issue under the rug rather than actually discuss it. Obviously, being able to see through it, I would turn him down. Then once I calmed down, he wouldnt ask me out anywhere. I also stopped trying to plan stuff for us too, with his constant canceling and adding people to the mix.
The mindset they have is so frustrating. Lately, I just feel to get out and do stuff by myself without him and just not care. I have also been considering separation briefly so I can take a breather from the chronic lack of consideration in every area of our lives, I am very conflicted right now.
Also immigrant here ...
Submitted by pinkiemartini on
Hi trulydisturbed! How are things now? .. I just read your post and somehow i am connected to your situation but in a very different position ... my partner doesn't have friends to go out (or at least in 9 months of being here I never meet them because they "have super busy agendas")
The last discussion we had is because since thursday, after working with his parents, he came back tired and that was fine ... but he sleeps in his room all thursday evening and then on friday, he also spends the whole day in his room. He came only 2 times and none of that was to talk to me.. since the crisis team told me, when you see him in his room let him be.. so that is what I did. Today Saturday when he asked me how I was i tried to make him understand that i feel alone in the house, that it was ok to clean his room but now during 14 hours in a row ... I ended up being the annoying woman that is never satisfy with anything. He even tell me that by now (9 months) i should be independent of him (I am from Mexico and now live in the Netherlands) and on top of that, he accused me that he didn't eat on Friday because I didn't cook. I said "you didn't eat and me either ... I told you, I will not prepare a nice meal to end up alone, so I prepare a sandwich instead, you could do the same" ... then he goes and after some minutes come back and says "you know what, now that you go to Mexico we really need to consider this relation because it is not working and this is a thing of two ... and also let me know so you dot leave me with debts" ´... at this point, I just remained silence and keep doing what I was doing but of course inside I was hurt by his words.
So yes ... we religious married in January (after our visa was authorized) and after 9 months abroad, im going back to Mexico to think exactly what I want because despite how much patience and love and support and all the tips I have read and received and I have given to him during these months he literally said "you care too much about me and you should not because you are not doing well " .... and this is not how i picture my life like this anymore" ..... Also consider that during our visits,3 in Mexico and 3 in NL, he didn't show this episodes and I truly believed he was under the right treatment ... I just face the reality of how he really was and how his treatment is not working for him as soon as I arrived in January .. even his therapists have complained about it .. that he is stubborn and probably he doesn't realize he can lose me and i said "he does, because cries and says he doesn't want to break up but this is draining me and is making me sick" .. on top of that, my adaptation process to here has been everything except smooth: he likes the quiet and small village where he doesn't know anyone so no one bothers him .. and for me is too much calm and peace and so difficult to meet people.
So in my case .. im really considering separation .. if maybe our conditions were different and I was already adapted or if we both were from the same country and i already had a job and my own social circle ... maybe .. but from what I read other stories, that doesn't matter ... I feel sad but i also know I can't have this life forever.
Hope your situation gets better than mine.
...She shows very little
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
...She shows very little interest in investing in us, unless I follow her around like a puppy....That's over....LOL....
Amen. It's been over for while now. I've very lonely though. I don't have any friends here cause I migrated from another country. But, to have any kind of peace or joy, I will have to try harder to get out of the house sometimes.
It's ironic how we got married but must come to terms with adhd and ultimately accepting lonelines - which is totally not the point of getting married in the first place.
Godly marriage
Submitted by Franchesca on
I know how it feels to want nothing more than a Godly marriage. I have prayed fervently for God to open my ADD husband eyes I have watched sermons on how to be a Godly wife. Read books on how to save a marriage.. on Sundays I've stopped trying to drag him to church and just go on my own . And I am done trying to convince him that he needs to put God first in his life. He won't pick up the Bible. He listen to secular music.He doesn't watch sermons that help fix his marriage unless I make it happen. He does have a fear for God and tries to walk with integrity in his life style. I on the other hand cry out to God many times in a day. I've been with him for 30 years and I'm not getting any younger and I just want the rest of my days on this Earth to be filled with the things of God. Everytime I get to the point where I'm ready to put an end to this relationship God fills me with His love so that I am able to love him again because I could never do it in my own love. It is so hard to have honor and respect for a man who I feel does what he wants when he wants and how he wants and who doesn't know how to be a husband or a father and doesn't even try to learn. don't get me wrong he does have his good qualities and has improved in the last few years and it's been a long painful process getting him to understand and to change the behaviors that are critical to our relationship.. God help us all.
Hi Chesca....
Submitted by c ur self on
We are very limited in our ability to help another to SEE, and to be thankful for the life afforded them....This world has it's attractions....Because of the weakness of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, it can become so easy to forget just who is actually producing our breath and heart beat....There are many promises made to God's children who are one with a non-believer....You are the best thing that ever happened to your husband (other than Jesus) whether he realize's it or not...
I do my best (in every area of life) when I keep my eye's on Jesus and count my blessings...If I get my main focus directed at what I'm not receiving from her I suffer...A person who's mind is overwhelmed with their own wants and desires will always be incapable of unity and sharing....
We can shake our bottle of oil and water up all day, but when we set it down it will always seperate.......
c
A person who's mind is
Submitted by TrulyDisturbed on
A person who's mind is overwhelmed with their own wants and desires will always be incapable of unity and sharing....
Thank you for saying that. Very insightful.
Godly marriage
Submitted by Franchesca on
Thank you C you are so right we have to keep our eyes on Jesus daily, praying always and having faith .putting our hope in Jesus. And Trusting that God is bigger than my husbands ADD . God bless you and yours