Hi,
My partner with ADHD has a very long-standing maladaptive habit of lying. Lying to cover up if he didn't follow through, lying to avoid *perceived* conflict, lying if he feels shame about something. It's got to the point where I don't know what's what with him. It may not be ill-intended but the impact has been proud. I feel detached from him, deeply frustrated- trust and honesty and transparency is a huge necessity for me I'm feeling close and emotionally safe. It just seems like when he is anxious or fearful he immediately goes to lying without pausing and thinking about consequences or other options despite having an ADHD coach and a therapist. I just feel hopeless. It's like- on one hand I have empathy for the ADHD and it's various symptoms- some I have flexibility and understanding around (like him being 5 mins late somewhere etc etc) but this lying- I'm losing steam and momentum in this marriage. We have two kids and I don't want to give up but if I'm honest with myself,!8' quite fed up :(
Mostly just looking for validation or shared experiences. Thank you for reading.
The Lies
Submitted by Rykomm on
Hi Snowflake,
I have been married to an ADHD spouse for 1.5 years and we have been together for 4. I recently found out that he has ADHD. We haven't started the testing phase yet but are getting there. One step at a time. I can relate to your situation because he lies about everything even little things that are not even important, like who he was on the phone with or he'll tell me he's going out to get past food and 2 hours later, he comes back saying he went to visit a friend, but reading through your post, I realize that it may be one more symptom because he wants to avoid perceived conflict or something similar as you mention. We are just beginning on this ADHD discovery path, thanks to Melissa's book. We started couples counseling about 1 month ago because home life was becoming unbearable and interestingly enough, lies have been my primary concern during counseling. I have lost sight of what is true and what is not. It all blends together and if I challenge him on the lie, he gets defensive and we get into another argument but one of the things I started doing is paying close attention to the behaviors, reactions, words, and body language to put together patterns and try and figure out what is the actual truth. It has worked so far but I have only been doing it for a couple of months. Seeing this post I now have an understanding that its yet another symptom to deal with. I feel so alone, exhausted, frustrated, and to be honest, numb, because it takes so much effort, energy, and time. I have thought about separating several times but I love him and don't want to give up.
Been there, done that!
Submitted by GD on
As the partner with ADHD, I can understand how that impulsive lie can just pop up. It's an easy out and, as most neurodiverse will attest to, it hopefully leads to zero confrontation. What I'm learning to do is to not answer so quickly but rather ruminate, if I have to, and give an honest and plausible answer. If it's not the one my wife wants to hear, then it's open for discussion and there's less chance of confrontation. And she knows that her part in this is to be less reactive. We're gettin' there. :)
Right there with you
Submitted by Pelican11 on
Hi Snowflake-
Am new to this group, so not sure how much I can help, but...have been married to a partner with ADHD for almost 30 years now (three kids, so exit never felt like an option). He has been on Adderal for maybe the last 8 years. The meds do address some of the focus issues, but that is about it. I experience the lying also. Mostly it seems to come as a means to avoid conflict, sometimes as a back-pedal when he realizes something he's said or done wasn't appropriate so he lies to cover out of shame. I think many people with ADHD, and my husband for sure, live in a state of near constant shame-maybe not consciously, but they always have this sense of inadequacy, that they are failures, and can't possibly measure up to their more 'functional' neurotypical partners. Lying becomes a quick and easy back track, a means to get out of the horrible shameful feeling of having made a 'mistake' of some sort. Am not saying this to excuse the lying, it is incredibly frustrating and for sure erodes trust, but, for what it is worth, I cope by looking at the lying differently than I'd take lying from someone without ADHD. I try to assess the importance of what he's lying about-I let the little stuff go, and ask for better clarity around the bigger stuff. I find that IF can I approach the lie without judgment (when I can, I fail at this often), we don't end up in an argument and find a way to the truth. I'm really sorry for what you are experiencing though, and really, truly get it. It is a tough road, and feels really unfair a lot of the time. I think most ADHD partners go through this and the same frustration you feel, no easy way out other than sort of coming to a super human place of compassion.
New here
Submitted by Mrs B on
Hello, I just found this site, and Melissa's book. I was absolutely astonished to read so much information that resonated with my experience. I am the wife, and I suspect that I have ADHD. My husband is exhausted, fed up, angry, resentful and hurt. One of his major complaints is that I lie, and I've shattered his trust. I didn't think I was lying but after reading the book, and posts like this, I understand that I do lie. I certainly don't mean to, and like you said, it is usually out of shame, to avoid conflict or to excuse a behavior. Im astonished by all of this. I've only discovered this book and info about a week ago. I'm yet to get a diagnosis or treatment and my husband thinks I'm just using the idea of ADHD as another excuse. I really don't know how to help him to understand.