For a non-ADHD partner, it is SO frustrating to watch your spouse struggle without result. You want her to do well. You can see HOW she might improve things. If you were doing them, it would be EASY. Yet nothing changes. How does a non-ADHD partner remain empathetic in this situation, rather than become angry?
Frequently, part of the ADHD partner's flailing and struggle comes from feeling completely overwhelmed by the vast amount of work and change that lies before her. This sense of overwhelm is made worse by low self esteem and a belief that her efforts may not be successful. Regardless of the underlying feelings, though, the result is that the ADHD remains "stuck." What's a non-ADHD partner to do? I pulled a reader's post, as well as my response to it, to give you some ideas:
"Lately, my ADD wife (who is now all too familiar with some of the impact her ADD is having in her social relationships), is beginning to share her feelings of overwhelm and low self-esteem with me. Things like "I just have SO many things to work on and I can't be working on these things all the time!" and "I can't believe anybody even likes me because I am so bad in conversations." I know she is "trying hard" to change things. She got diagnosed and she is on meds, and she has done some reading. There have been some changes but not a lot.
I have suggested to her that from what I read on this forum "trying harder" is not what is going to work. And I have suggested that maybe she could benefit from coaching. I even sent her some links to coaching that I found from Melissa's recent post on the Telephone training on Shame - thinking she might be willing to try them because there are some self-coaching options and audio classes and she's always listening to podcasts on her i-phone. But she hasn't given any indication that she is ready to check out coaching as an option.
At this point, I find myself wanting to be empathetic, but I am finding it difficult, since I am someone who is majorly affected by her behaviors and feeling frustrated by them. So when she bemoans the fact that she has so much to work on or that she feels like she is a bad person, I have a hard time listening, and I find myself wanting to move into "solution mode."
Sometimes I am able to say something like "Honey, you are not a bad person. You are so more than your ADD behaviors." And then I give her a hug and tell her some of the things I love about her. Sometimes when I do though, I think "How many times do I have to tell her this?" Or I might think "If I keep comforting her when she feels bad about this, will she never get any help?"
But sometimes I don't want to listen to it. Sometimes I even get angry that she is complaining but not taking any steps to change things. Sometimes I just want to say "Honey, there are solutions out there. If you would take some action and stop complaining maybe you would see some improvement and not feel so bad." Or "Stop complaining to ME about this!"
So, how do I let go of my anger and be more empathetic when she complains?"
Here is my response to this post:
Your wife is probably in the stage in which she recognizes that she's having issues (rather than denying it, which she may have been doing before) and is able to accept that her complete sense of overwhelm is related to ADHD, but she has not moved on to believing that she can do anything about it (in the past she couldn't, so this is a logical assumption for her). She needs to have some time to experience the difference that really good ADHD treatment can make - and get that treatment fully in place. Treatment has three legs - physical changes that address physical issues in your brain (chemical changes from meds, nutrition, exercise); habit changes (she's not making much progress on this one it sounds like) and then connection/relationship changes (how you both interact together).
She needs to break it down a bit to get past her sense of overwhelm. She should work with someone (doctor, you, therapist) to understand which specific symptoms are creating the most havoc in her life - and make those the "target" symptoms she needs to address first with her treatment. Then she needs to create a plan (again, she'll likely need help with this, since developing hierarchies and workable plans isn't a strongpoint of folks with ADD) and start to experiment against the most meaningful issues in that plan. The plan should include ADD-sensitive structural changes in the environment around her - new ways to organize chores, or connect with people, or whatever the issues are she is trying to address. As she starts to see a larger proportion of successes, vs. failure, she can start to have a sense that she can control her own destiny with effort, and that the effort CAN pay off. She may continue to feel overwhelmed, but begin to develop a sense that she can change that and know some "tricks" as to how.
While it is hard, I urge you to remain calm as best you can. If she fears disappointing you or coming to you to talk about her ADHD issues, it will encourage her to "retreat" rather than "step out" to make the changes she needs to make (which, counter-intuitively, take courage to try - trying new ways to do things is definitely not the "logical" or "easy" choice we non-ADHD people think it should be). You can both comfort her and tell her that you have her back, while also insisting that she take responsibility for her ADHD to get it under control. The benefit is for her (no overwhelm, better social life, stronger marriage) as well as for you.
A coach is a good idea if you find a good one who specializes in ADHD and has lots of experience. A really good ADHD therapist might help, too, since your wife has self image issues. Also, I believe that Sari Solden's book "Journeys through ADDulthood" might help the two of you think about some of the issues of gaining back a stronger sense of self - something that sounds as if is a top priority for your spouse.
.As for your own question - how do I let go of my anger and be more empathetic? People do this different ways:
- stoke up your "reserves" of feeling good by doing things that bring you happiness. Less internal stress and more self-satisfaction make it easier to be more "relaxed" and less critical with others
- some people pray about it or meditate on remaining empathetic
- learn more about ADHD and the troubles your partner faces. Read some of the ADHD posts here - having ADHD is NO PICNIC, and the shame and feelings of overwhelm your wife feels are hard for her to bear, particularly when she doesn't imagine she can really affect change in her life (a feeling usually born out of the experience of living with untreated ADHD for many years) When my book is finally published I have a section on what it's like to live with ADHD that is really eye-opening (and one on what it's like to live with a partner with ADHD that is equally moving).
- Think about who you want to be as a person, and hold yourself to your own high standards. You sound like someone who wishes to be compassionate and caring. Remind yourself that the only way to remain the compassionate, caring person you want to be is to live your life that way.
- Don't hide your feelings - just make sure you share them in a controlled and compassionate way. Your wife needs to understand fully that you a.) love her and b.) don't wish to live with her ADHD symptoms. The two things can go hand in hand, and she deserves to know where you stand so she doesn't feel blindsided - or so she doesn't imagine things are worse than they are ("he can't possibly love me as I am")
- Request that she put a measurement system of some sort in place as part of her plan (an example - read X book by Y date, get ADHD symptom "impulsivity" under control as measured by fewer conversation interruptions, etc.) This allows you to celebrate all of her steps forward (and please do so!), and also allows her to start measuring external "action" rather than internal "intent," which is an important distinction that can be hard to make when feeling overwhelmed. When it is more clear what "progress" she is making, I think it will be easier for you to assess the amount of effort that was needed to make that progress, and feel reassured that she is moving ahead (and therefore be more empathetic). If she's not making progress, the existence of a measurement system will point it out sooner, rather than later.
How do you remain empathetic when your ADHD spouse gets stuck? We would like to hear your ideas.
- MelissaOrlov's blog
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Comments
Measurement Systems
Submitted by Nettie on
Logically, I agree with the usefulness of measurement systems. Hyperactively, I want to write "OMG! Count the number of times I interrupt?!?" "Count the number of exclamation marks I write????"
Please, let's interject a little bit of fun so our ADHD minds don't explode.
I've been meaning to write about something similar to the blog post. Someone asked if I've tried water aerobics classes. I decided to analyze why I don't like them and other forms of exercise. I thought about what worked when I was a kid.
In our first neighborhood, we had a pool, and almost all the kids and moms spent the entire (summer) day at the pool. Lots of people, lots of at-ease stimulation, and we were healthy.Other times, we had hordes of kids outside who would sweep you into an activity.
When we moved, we had fewer neighbors, my mother had more work (larger yard/house), and we belonged to a club that was farther away. So, my mother moved to efficiency mode - take me to aerobics or hire a tennis coach for private lessons at home. They were excruciatingly ineffective, and because my mother approved of good grades, I could escape exercise by seeming studious.
Which means, I was able to analyze an effective means of escape, I just didn't accept the negative consequences of long-term sluggishness. Which means, this ADHDer may either start analyzing, practicing, and getting results when they have knee pain or when they find an activity in which they have flow.
Measurement system
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I agree completely with your comment about fun. Perhaps with some brainstorming we could come up with a way to measure that is fun? My concept is this - know where you are headed so that you can measure, concretely, whether or not you are making progress. If you just say "I want to do better" it's too amorphous. Too much of a moving target. A year will pass before you realize that things really haven't changed all that much.
So this is an open invitation for comments - what do you do to KNOW you are making progress against getting yourself where you want to be?
Measuring Improvement
Submitted by Hoping4More on
This morning my wife, who has been trying very hard to make some changes, asked me: "so, are you getting enough undivided attention?" I had to stop and think. Hmmm? Am I? Well, last night at dinner she definitely asked me questions while we were having a coversation at dinner, and I felt like I was getting "equal time." But much of the time I was talking I could tell she was having difficulty focusing on what I was saying. I remember thinking at the time "wow - good for her! She is definitely trying." (And as I write this I realize I should have said something to her about that last night. So I will tell her tonight that I appreciated her focusing on giving me undivided attentuion LAST night.) But when I see her struggling to listen, I tend to ask HER a question - thereby putting the conversation back in her court, which is kind of counter to what I am trying to achieve, isn't it? But I do that because it's not just that I am looking for time to talk, but I am also looking for her to be engaged in listening when I am talking. And it is very easy for me to tell when she is not. But maybe my expectations are too high at this point? Maybe at this point it should just be about her not talking and letting me talk, and we can focus on the listening part later. Anyway, my response to her question this morning was that I definitely feel like I am getting more time together with her with undivided attention, and that I can tell she has been working very hard on it. That it may not yet be enough, but that it's definitely more and that I definitely appreciate her working on something that is so important to me.
So maybe that is one way to "measure" improvement - have the person with ADD do a regular check-in about whatever it is that they have been focusing on. But maybe not, because the measure is subjective based on the sense of the non-ADHD person, and maybe the "measure" needs to be more concrete and objective.
struggling to pay attention
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
change up how attention is paid so that it can be "more fun" and varied. Sometimes it's dinner conversations, but sometimes it could be walks (usually easier for a person with ADHD than sitting at a table), sex, or doing a fun (or even not so fun) project together.
Also, don't be concerned if you see it takes your wife effort to pay attention. That's okay, that's who she is. The fact that she's working to figure out how to do it should be encouraged - don't just send the conversation back to her. Remember - trying harder isn't going to mean that suddenly it's effortless for her. She has to practice and figure out what works for her. And sometimes, she won't have the energy for this type of effort and that's okay.
Also, make it okay for her to be able to admit to zoning out once in a while. One couple I know uses this cue: "Hold on - I zoned out there for a moment - can you repeat that?" when the ADHD spouse loses the thread of the conversation. The partner doubles back and repeats the last bit without judgement - it's a very healthy system.
Planned Measurement
Submitted by Hoping4More on
Another example of planned measurement occurred last night. Several weeks ago I asked my wife if she had been taking her cholesterol meds, and she hadn't. I told her that concerned me because when she doesn't, I worry about her health, and I asked her to please start taking them. She said OK. I said "Promise?" And she replied, in a sort of sarcastic manner, as if she was insulted that I didn't take her at her word, "Yes." Last night, when I asked if she had been remembering to take her meds she said, with a little guilt "no." I again expressed my concern and asked her if she would promise to take them. She hesitated, saying her prescription is almost out, and that she needed to make an appointment with her doctor. I said "Can you do that tomorrow?" She said "I'll try." I said "When I hear 'I'll try' I think you are probably not going to get to it because you are so busy. Will you promise to do it tomorrow?" She said, "I SAID I'll try." I said "That's not good enough. I need you to promise." She said "OK, I promise I will make an appointment within a week." So I asked if she intended to keep her promise, reminding her that she had promised to take her meds and hadn't. She said, kind of annoyed that I was still pushing, "YES" I said, "well, you have promised me things in the past and not followed through. How do I know this time will be different?" She said "Because I am telling you it is." I said "That is not enough to convince me." She then said "I am putting it in my to do list with a high priority." And I asked "So that will ensure you will do it?" She answered "YES"
These kinds of conversations are kind of difficult fo us. Conversations where I keep "pushing" until I feel like I have heard what I need to, and with her getting annoyed because I keep pushing. Often, these conversations end up escalating into a fight. But last night - it didn't! (And it actually went on much longer than I reported above.) I managed to stay calm and continued restating what I needed, trying to focus on the content of her responses, and not her tone, which signalled her annoyance and frustration with me for not just taking her at her word.
So, we agreed that I would check in with her next Thursday. And the "fun" part (at least from my perspective) is, I then said, "so, if you don't keep your promise, what is the consequence?" She said "don't worry, I'll keep it." I said, in a joking kind of tone "I've heard THAT before. So what do I get if you don't? I know - if you don't keep your promise, then I get to decide how we spend our 'together time" activities for a month." (We schedule at least one night of together time a week.) And I mentioned some of the kinds of activities I might suggest if she doesn't keep her promise - things that I really enjoy doing but my wife, not so much. This way, whether she keeps her promise or not, it's a win-win for me. :-)
Measurement systems and defensiveness
Submitted by jules on
I like the idea of a measurement system. The only thing with us is that I am still hesitant to talk about this without my husband becoming defensive. In our situation, I am the breadwinner, and my husband is self-employed. However (due to his ADD, which has only recently been diagnosed) his earning potential is not what it should be (nowhere close) and I have spent a lot of time feeling resentful that I am basically supporting the two of us. Also, when I hear things like "I'm not feeling inspired", etc, I get quite resentful because there are times I don't feel inspired at work, but I still need to face the traffic to work, pitch up on time and do my thing for the day. Because he works from home (and - I believe - because I support us and there is therefore no real consequences to him if he doesn't earn anything) if he doesn't do any money-earning work for the day, then so what?
I have tried in the past (pre-diagnosis) to discuss this with him, but any mention of his work and earning potential made him very defensive. Now, even though we know what we are dealing with (ADD) I am still so wary to mention any kind of measurement system. We had a situation this morning where he told me of the problems he was having this last week with focussing and feeling inspired. I realise now (after reading this post) that it's good that he felt able to confide in me about this, and I also acknowledge that he admitted that he is not feeling "doom and gloom" about not feeling focussed and inspired. But it still makes me feel upset. I really need him to start contributing to our marriage more, and damn it - I can't afford to feel unfocussed and uninspired. I just wish I knew how to discuss these issues with him without defensiveness creeping in on his part.
I'm sort of in the same boat
Submitted by newfdogswife on
I'm sort of in the same boat as you, jules. I like the idea of the measurement system, too but I will also have to deal with the defensiveness from my husband "yet again" on a helpful suggestion. My scenerio is as follows: We both worked for the same company, I lost my job almost two years ago but fortunately found work through a temp agency that has kept me working almost regularly. My ADHD husband lost his job last July and has been unable to secure work thus far. He is collecting unemployment but it is nowhere near his possible earning potential either. He tells me he is sending out resumes all of the time but do not know this for a fact. We are slowly drowning. I go through the resentment phase often as I go to work everyday and he gets to stay at home and literally wing it everyday. He has no routine, no set to do list, nothing in place to hold him accountable for his actions during the day. No consequences here. I've tried being somewhat of a coach but it did not work and it just made him feel more resentful of me.
We know what we are dealing with, also but it is getting to the point where I am tired of listening to the same excuses day in and day out as to why he just sits and either watches TV or plays Farmville on the computer. Focus and Inspiration on important issues just isn't on his radar and it is beginning to make me loose what little bit of respect I gained back after we first received his diagnosis and discovered why our relationship is awful. I am so frustrated because he does nothing with the many tips on this website, doesn't seem to be the least bit interested. He is on medication, when he feels the urge to take it and does see a counselor every once in awhile but he does not appear to experienced with ADD/ADHD. Therefore, we get nowhere with the counselor. My husband's perception of our relationship and yes, I have taken Melissa's advice and now use "relationship" instead of "marriage" is that as long as we are not fighting everything is "OK". Scary, isn't it?
measurement system
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
This is exactly the type of situation that will benefit from a measurement system. You can't "impose" it on him, of course, but you can talk with him about the benefit of moving ahead and accomplishing job search related tasks every day - and keeping track of those things ("I sent out 3 resumes with letters, made 4 phone calls to follow up on leads, search 2 want ad sections and scheduled myself to attend Thursday's better business bureau lunch to network") A job search is successful based upon the number of contacts made, and the quality of those contacts. He's not keeping track of it for you, but keeping track of it because that's what his ADHD brain requires. If he doesn't, then TV is the default and he'll never start earning again. There are just too many distractions out there, and an unstructured person with ADHD is one who is, generally, unsuccessful.
Get around his defensiveness with your approach. "I understand that this is a sensitive issue for you. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. Ultimately, you are in charge of your own actions. But I feel as if we are drowning right now - our debt is going up, we can't make our payments, and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. I'm hoping that you will acknowledge that you need to create a structure or daily plan for your job search and measure your activities against this plan. You have so much to offer this family, but the ADHD symptom of distraction is preventing you from reaching your full potential."
If he responds defensively to this type of approach, don't escalate an argument. Acknowledge the validity of his problems - "I agree, it IS hard to conduct a job search when you are home alone and so many distractions beckon. All the more reason to create a structure" or "No, I'm not trying to control your life. I'm pointing out to you how hard it is on me to have the incremental pressure of having you remain unemployed and encouraging you to put the structure in place that you need to have the most effective job search possible."
If he creates more excuses, you can say something like "a measurement system would be a great way for you to verify that you are actually doing as much work on your job search as you believe you are. I don't need to see it - I'm not trying to look over your shoulder. It doesn't matter that X things happened to you, or got in your way. I'm asking you to persevere in spite of that, and produce results. What I know about ADHD suggests to me that a good way to do that is to put a structure in place to help you stay organized. You already know that this works for people with ADHD - it's what behavior therapy is all about. So why not use that knowledge to create job search success?"
Unfortunately, it is your responsibility to calmly explain to him that "not fighting" and "okay" are not the same thing. This is really, really challenging - most with ADHD don't want to hear it. Nonetheless, you benefit when he finally understands how things affect you so keep looking for creative and non-threatening ways to communicate this.
same situation
Submitted by patience1112 on
I understand the situation you are both in. It's my life too. I work (at a job I liked until I compared it with my husband's freedom) while _ is a creative who works from home. I'm just beginning to learn what it means to be married to someone with ADD, and I'm noticing it's a huge blessing that my husband faces the issues he has.
I don't know if your husbands have friends who can help them focus, but it's a good idea. Where I live every other person is self employed and working from coffee shops, so my husband has the opportunity to plan work dates with friends, to get things done. Even just talking through things and brainstorming with his other (male) friends is good, because it takes all the pressue off of me to be the solution to the problem. I think his big dreams keep him motivated, so friends help him with that part when I'm too overwhelmed with the reality of our financial situation to support his brainstorming. I feel like my grasp of reality, bills, finances... holds him back.
Jules said: "I get quite
Submitted by snake_hips on
Jules said: "I get quite resentful because there are times I don't feel inspired at work, but I still need to face the traffic to work, pitch up on time and do my thing for the day."
I can SO relate to your feelings on this!!! If I sluffed off because "I'm not inspired" or "I don't feel like it" we'd be on the street. I feel so resentful sometimes.
I really draw hope from this
Submitted by jules on
I really draw hope from this site that there are other people experiencing the same thing I do. It's been said before, and no doubt it will be said many times in future, but it is so true. Before I found this site, I thought I was the only person experiencing the things I was going through (and consequently felt that it's all because of me!). I now feel like I've got a support group of sorts. I don't have an actual support group where I live, so this site is a life-saver.
Anyway, I am really battling with the defensiveness issue. Does anyone have any advice? I really do want to address issues on work and productivity with my husband, but past experiences have been very unsuccessful, since I find trying to reason with someone who is defensive, impossible.
Linked to the defensiveness (is it perhaps a veiled form of defensiveness?) is the "but I'm trying, and working on getting better". I think I have been very patient in the past (to the point of indulgence, some would argue), waiting for him to find his way, but I think that patience has run out. How much "right" do I have to expect to see results NOW. I'm not expecting a 360 degree turnaround overnight, but I do want to see an improvement in productivity - one that we can say, "right - this is great - there is a positive improvement here."
trying to get better
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Thanks!
Submitted by jules on
Thanks Melissa. I see the trick is to be really creative about solutions. Never mind re-wiring my husband's brain - this is going to need some serious changing of my thought processes!! I have an extremely rational, logical mind - this is going to need some thinking outside of the logical box.
I think we may need to go the professional help route with the defensiveness issue, but I'm prepared to give it another couple of chances. I have to psyche myself up for that, though, because they are difficult conversations.
Not "Inspired"
Submitted by Nettie on
Great suggestions from others, so I'm just going to comment on "Also, when I hear things like 'I'm not feeling inspired', etc, I get quite resentful because there are times I don't feel inspired..."
This past weekend my husband got angry when I responded to his 100th, okay 10th, suggestion (he loves fixing things) with "I don't feel like it." He said, "You always say 'I don't feel like it' when I suggest something; nothing will ever get fixed!"
Well, after thinking about it, I told him that often I don't have an answer for the reason his suggestion might not work for me that will satisfy him on the spot, so I just say "I don't feel like it."
Later, I was able to articulate the reasons, but it took time for my mouth to catch up with my brain. Yes, we ADHDers like the stimulation of being inspired, but sometimes there may be more to our articulation than laziness or our wait for a muse to direct us.
Praise
Submitted by Clarity on
My ADD husband expects praise for the sloppy projects he does around the house. In his mind he's doing his best no matter how unfinished the workmanship is. It seems if I praise him for trying, he's justified and the work is acceptable! Around here the encouragement only seems to support his ADD behaviors. Meanwhile the bathtub faucet turns in the wrong direction, the sink faucet continues to leak, the trim around the baseboards is falling apart, the yard is filled with weeds etc. but, at least he's feeling good about himself. (?) No one ever let me get away with that...
My husband is the same way!!!
Submitted by ashleyg283 (not verified) on
except he doesn't have ADD hahhha
I am that spouse
Submitted by ashleyg283 (not verified) on
I'm stuck in my ways, and have so much ambition about what I "could" be doing! I know I'm smart, but all my past experiences have told me I can't follow through - so I don't even start (that or I'll get back grades, or get introuble) so I just give up.
I feel worse for my husband now then I ever have. :/