Does anyone else have to deal with this ADHD trait, and if so, how do you deal with it. My ADHD husband will say something 50 to 100 times or more before he actually DOES the thing he's talking about. One such incident is spray killing the weeds in the front yard, which he talked about for weeks ahead of time. Finally he puts up some sticks and string around the piece of yard he is putting the weed killer on, but STILL DIDN'T put down the weed killer. Three weeks went by until he ACTUALLY put the weed killer on the grass, but every day.....several TIMES a day, would talk about how he's going to kill the weeds. It gets to the point of obsessive thinking/conversation, when he repeats himself over and over and over again, but doesn't ACTUALLY DO what he SAYS he's going to do. Another item is the taxes. We are 3 years behind in tax returns, but he's talked about DOING them for all this time: especially lately because tax day is tomorrow. (they won't be done AGAIN) I mentioned that we are going to have to pay penalties and fines for NOT doing the taxes for 3 years, which he got angry and said "NO WE WON'T"......'WE DON'T HAVE TO PAY PENALTIES BECAUSE WE ARE GETTING MONEY BACK THIS YEAR". What kind of sense does THAT make? Plus, there are times he talks like this and NEVER gets around to what he's talking obsessively about.
But anyway, he TALKS like this all the time, and repeats himself over and over and over again, until I want to pull my hair out. It this a way for an ADHD person to remember to do things they need to do? Or what? Or maybe he's the only one who does this, I don't know, but would sure like to hear someone else's input.
I hear this ALL THE TIME. It
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I hear this ALL THE TIME. It gets to the point where you just don't believe what they say. I've heard nearly a dozen times in the past year about how our phone bill is ridiculous and how my husband is just going to get a regular cell rather than a smart phone or maybe he is just going to trash his cell altogether and get a land line to save money. I don't want him to trash his cell as I want him to be able to be contacted by me when I need to contact him. I don't have a smart phone but he does and we pay nearly $140 a month for both of ours. If he would get a regular cell it would probably go down to $80/month. However he never goes ahead and calls the company and continues to use his phone for internet even when he says all he uses it for is reading a book.
Mapper: heard this too
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Mapper: I've heard it about the phone bill too, SAME THING. About how a land line is going to be cheaper than a cell phone. This has been going on about 2 years now. He also wants to get rid of satellite, because that costs too much money, but it's the ONLY thing I have. I WANT to keep the satellite. (we don't get cable here) My DH, just wants to have Roku or use the computer to "catch up" on the news, NOT get it live. IT'S RIDICULOUS. I really don't get his reasoning on certain things, but there is NO TALKING TO HIM, BECAUSE HE WON'T LISTEN. I've even tried bargaining with him, but he won't listen to ANYTHING I have to say. It's like I'm not worthy of his attention, OR worth listening to. It made me feel worthless in the past, but I don't feel worthless any more because I've turned the tables and put the focus back on him instead of taking all the blame he heaps on me. (because I'm the cause of all his frustration, of course) It makes me want to pull my hair out.
Do you think it's possible
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Do you think it's possible that your spouse forgets that he has said he's going to do something and so every time is like the first time? (I refer to this as the "Groundhog Day syndrome" in my house.) Another possibility is that in his mind, talking about something is the functional equivalent of doing it.
By the way, one thing that I find very frustrating about this type of behavior is that your spouse probably would hate it if you reminded him repeatedly to do something but if he talks about it himself repeatedly, it's OK.
Rosered: he sure does
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Oh my goodness yes......Rosered....My ADHD husband gets VERY angry when I remind him of things he has to do, but he will tell me "one thing" 50 times a day and not think a thing of it. I really HATE this obsessive talk all the time, but he thinks this is NORMAL, and I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, because I DON'T talk like he does. It's very frustrating and hurtful because he thinks I'M the crazy one. I really wish he would read these posts, or read Melissa's book about ADHD. .....SOMETHING.....ANYTHING. All he does is take Concerta, but doesn't do the behavior things that go along with ADHD behavior training.
Thank you both for your posts. It sure helps to read others lives.
groundhog day
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I love the reference to the groundhog day syndrome. LOL. (got a big kick out of that one) But, I think you're on to something there, because it happens so much. It really DOES seem like every time he repeats something, it's the FIRST time he's said it. interesting.
So much in common w/ these add behaviors :)
Submitted by c ur self on
It's amazing to me how much our spouses behaviors are a like...my wife hadn't done her taxes in three years when we met...She made it a point to do it, but hid it from me until after she had gotten them done...Since we married 6 years ago we have kept them done...but, I finally started filing separate from her the last two years even though it costs us money...It wasn't worth the hassle....When we read each others posts it so funny, because, it's like we're looking in each other windows :) I retired a year ago after 38 years on the same job, and its been such a blessing for me to be able to have this time at home to do all I have to do...I had just turned 56 when I retired and people say, man why are you retiring? Are you going to get another job? They had no idea :)...Some do, like our children, they were happy for me...My wife has all these big plans like, lets travel, she's dying to go to Europe, etc....but she can't get rid of anything, and pays' storage bills, keeps her old house she lived in when I met her and want manage it well, cause she want empty the junk out of it, so it just sets empty a lot...We don't put our money together, and I pay all our bills...she handles her phone, insurance, and personal items...and lately she has been buying some groceries...It's so frustrating to me because I'm a list guy who is very organized...I got so angry early on in our marriage, because she wouldn't just let me manage things...But, she was so independent, had never been married, and trusted herself ONLY...Boy looking back, I was so naive...(mostly just ignorant of the effects of add) I'm finally learning to separate add behaviors...She's a sweet heart and every one loves her, including me:), life of the party my girl :)...But, I think God only entrusts some of us to endure the reality of trying to live with them in an understanding manner....I applaud you ladies and gentlemen!
press play. rewind. repeat.
Submitted by learningtoloveadd on
The Definition of Insanity
Submitted by kellyj on
If you don't know the rest of this cliche' I won't belabor it here..........You may find it interesting to hear from someone who has ADHD writing you with support but I know this scenario all too well from your husbands side. To be honest about myself, you might as well have been talking about me and at the very least, my tendencies. I think there is a time in having to live with ADHD, that you must come full circle back to yourself as painfully frustrating as that it is to do.
I won't even bother to defend or explain what it is like on this side of the relationship with another person because there is already hours of reading in this forum on this topic alone. What I will say is that the only person that can teach someone without ADHD how to help them.....is them. Not defend....teach.
Specifically to your issue here.....I've found a work around that works pretty well most of the time. Not perfectly, but it does work and is still improving with time. I asked my SO to start writing her requests down on a list (or lists) and try to prioritize them as best she can. It's even better if I write them if possible using my own short hand to help remind myself. It's also critical that I stick these lists where I can see them not her. If she puts them where she thinks I will see them it's as if they aren't there at all. I also re-write her lists for myself and then put them around the house for myself where I know they will be seen (sticky notes).
I know this is not ground breaking information but there are two very important components (or details ) to this that I have discovered as a reason for why this works for me.
First......I made a deal with my SO to honor the notes. My decision, my game plan done in the way I know will work for me. This is the most important part and what I mean by teaching. When someone else comes up with a strategy themselves out of their own frustrations of being with someone with ADHD...9.9 times out of 10 it will not work. How could it? There's no way possible to even begin to sort out how you think compared to how someone with ADHD thinks no matter how much you read about neuro transmitters, executive functioning, impulse control, blah blah blah. Actually, all of this stuff is really helpful coming from my end but only to the point of understanding yourself and figuring yourself out. But knowledge.....is not doing. Doing is what you and other spouses want from us and we're the only ones who can tell you what to do. It really is that simple a concept.....not so simple to achieve sometimes.
The second part comes from the other side of the deal and that is this: As long as I honor the notes and the expectations within them are agreed upon as far as time and difficulty to achieve (allowance for a small margin of error) I have full say in the how, where, when, size, placement, ink color of pen used, type of paper etc... I'm the only one who knows what will work and all of the reasons why things won't work. If I follow through with something and it works.....I've asked my SO not to get bogged down in the details of my plan and how I need it to be and take the fact that it works and call that a touchdown on her end.
I've also asked her to think of me as if I was a child when it comes to some of these simple chores. I do not in reality think that I am like a child or even childish the vast majority of the time and without going into a long diatribe about all of my positive qualities...I'll only say that in many aspects of my life, I have been assessed by others as being highly qualified and capable in a number of areas some of which....I attribute to having ADHD. It really is a Catch 22 in many respects........ and when it comes to doing the most mundane and simple requests from others and even for myself, there is no way to describe it other than having the abilities in these areas comparable to a third grader. (I'm 56 if you were wondering)
Keeping things really simple, overtly clear and uncomplicated as you would for a child is the best way for me to get things done and follow through sometimes. Breaking things down to their lowest common denominator in over simplified, non-complex form stops the insanity and the constant repetition of failure which serves no one. The details of how it gets done is not important....only that it does get done.
Constantly beating your head against the wall will only drive you crazy and will make you feel like you are the parent of a child. I can tell you from experience, this is the quickest way NOT to get me to do something and my radar is hypersensitive to people approaching me from this perspective. When I mentioned coming full circle back to myself...this means being able to differentiate how I must appear to others (in this case...like a child at times) and be willing to present it to others in this way if necessary in order to teach them how to succeed with me even if I have to use this kind of example in order to do it. Achieving the goal is a lot more important than worrying about your bruised ego and it's something that people with ADHD need to get over first before this kind of dialog is even possible. Once we can do that....the possibilities and solutions become endless. Creatively is by far my strongest attribute.
I hope for your sake that your husband can get to a place where he can teach you how to help share in the responsibilities of being together successfully and maybe after reading this, you might suggest he teach you how to make these things happen and be open to whatever he asked as long as it works no matter how strange or unorthodox it may appear to you.
Good Luck.
jjamieson...thank you
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I loved what you posted. Thank you for the "post it notes" example also. I think that is a great idea and since it works for you, I bet it would work for my ADHD husband as well. There is a big difference in my situation though, which is...... my husband rarely listens to any suggestions or ideas that I present to him. He also won't WORK on his ADHD as far as relationships are concerned. He takes concerta daily, and went to a psychiatrist for a while, but didn't get any helpful methods of how to communicate with me. My husband only complained when he went to his sessions, and the doctor FULLY took my husband's side.......NEVER hearing MY side of our lives. I never even MET the doctor, when it is VITAL that BOTH people in the relationship are involved when trying to learn how to live more peaceably and constructively with ideas and methods of improvement.
The only thing I have ever wanted is to have a good life, live and work together as a couple, trying to better ourselves and our lives, but DH is so difficult to talk to. He takes everything I say as an attack, even when I say it kindly and in a spirit of love. I will ask him what you said about "teaching me to help him", and see what he says. When I've tried to bring up the subject of his ADHD, he stops me even before I can finish what I'm saying, because he doesn't want to HEAR anything about it. So, the craziness just keeps going on and on, with him blaming ME for most of the crazy stuff that keeps happening. Since HIS methods haven't worked, you would think he would be open to some other possibilities, but he just hasn't been. He REALLY BELIEVES it's the rest of the world, and everyone else who keeps him from succeeding in life, when it is his OWN behavior and his own brain that is hindering him. It's why I'm at the point I am NOW, which is sad, lonely and severely discouraged, because my husband will NOT help me....help him....and in turn....help US. But, I'm SO GLAD you are working with your ADHD, and with your spouse to make your lives better. I wish you much success, and thanks for your reply.
We Are a Monumental Pain in the ASS....
Submitted by kellyj on
To say anything less would be an gross understatement...maybe even perceived as lying....maybe it would be flat out lying considered by most?
Here's what it is like to have ADHD (based on my experience)
You are now 12 years old. Your're basically a good kid. You fundamentally try to do what you are told to do at home and in school but sometimes you screw up. You forget things, you don't honor your word (different than lying ),you're tardy, you lose things, break things, say the wrong things sometimes. Remember? And sometimes...you bend the rules in your favor. You sneak out of class to be with friends. You sneak out of the house to shirk responsibilities or to go see some cute guy down the block or some friend that your parents don't approve of. Remember? And sometimes you lie to avoid getting into trouble and not get punished......and sometimes you get caught and get punished or have privileges taken away from you. Yes? And because you are 12 years old.....you are not alone. Most 12 year olds are like this and are treated accordingly; both in expectations based on their abilities and capacities based on experience.
Here's where it gets interesting.....You're now 21...your're an adult or so says the legal definition...but your really just barely an adult in many respects and you still screw up sometimes. You call in sick to go do something (maybe?) Hung over, nice day, friend or family needs help moving etc...This is a lie without question but....a somewhat socially accepted one depending on the frequency and reason but you still do it to avoid punishment ie: not lose your job. And other 21 year olds do something like this with regularity because they are in entry level jobs ( maybe)...or don't have kids or are even married and their lives are still very inconsistent and up in the air.....Controlled Chaos could also be a good definition. You still fit in pretty well despite the fact that you notice your maybe a little worse in some areas. Forgetting things, organization, losing things, not being on time for things but for the most part....these things don't cause you too much problem. Besides...you really only have you to worry about and live with and they aren't much different than you.( assuming you're still single and on your own) Overall however...you did well in college (me),you do well at work. You get along with most people and functionally by all comparisons.....you're doing OK. (or at least in you're own mind )
Now your 30....somethings wrong. You feel like you are falling behind in some respects. People are beginning to piss you off. They keep treating you like you are a kid sometimes and it really makes you mad. In everyway you could come up with...you have reached the point in your life that shows you are a responsible, mature adult...on paper or otherwise. You no longer tell lies or call in sick because you were partying the night before. You have a good job ( my own business for me)......You are advancing as you should in most every part of your life........well except you still are late for things sometimes, you lose things sometimes, you forget you told people you'd do something for them or with them ( honoring your word, different than lying) , your wife is starting to make judgments about your behaviors as being intentional or irresponsible, and you notice how these things are starting to cause real problems in your life. The one thing you do know is that you are not a child in any respect; emotionally, fiscally, IQ...but you can't seem to find any reason or explanation for these unwanted behaviors or seem to be able to stop them. You are beginning to stand out as different compared to other 30 year olds. This really starts to stress you out. And stress begets stress...and when you stress...you regress. You start to back slide in all the ways that you have learned not to. Now all these behaviors are exacerbated and become worse not better. Your wife/husband says you've changed...your not the man/woman I married. You become overwhelmed with fear that your marriage is in trouble because you can't seem to do anything about these behaviors to stop or fix them in any real effective way. Your behaviors get worse out of stress and fear. Your stress and your spouses anger become overwhelming. You shut down...tune out just to maintain yourself. Your in denial of the problem because the problem has no solution. You know you are not defined by these unwanted qualities and everything else you do proves that...but yet, you can't stop them especially in the face of your wife or others pointing fingers to these behaviors as being like a child. You know that you are not despite the fact that the behaviors could possible indicate that this is true....and compared to other people; friends, family, co-workers....you know that it is. But you also know that they're judgments, assessments, inferences, out and out put downs and comparisons to irresponsible people and all that goes with it....are wrong. And you know that too.
So now you just dig in and get angry. Angry that you can't fix it, angry from the things others say about you or to you.....but really become angry and afraid that the life and people you love in it........ do not want you in their life anymore and you feel helpless to to anything about it. You start to give up and say "Fuck it!". Your behaviors now backslide all the way back to when you were 12 because the reasons for not being this way are fading away or now no longer exist. "Who cares anyway? If people already treat me like this then so be it. There's nothing I can do to change their mind no matter how hard I try to explain to them....they're wrong in what they think about me. I know what I am and what I am not." But you know in your heart of hearts....that something is wrong just that....what they're saying and thinking is not it.
And you know that you are right in that much.... and you also know that they are not right.
This was my experience before I set out to find out what was wrong and how to do something about something you can't fix. Everything compared to this scenario is vastly improved for me. I did get divorced during my thirties but may not have if I had started this process sooner and my ex had not started having an affair because I had checked out of the relationship. I believe things would have been different if I had found the path I am on sooner but...I feel like all these things concerning my ADHD are constantly improving for the better in part....because I am with a woman who supports me and listens. Without her I don't think I would be where I am today.
I'm on this sight because I am still trying to find ways to improve all the time....which it does, all the time.
I hope this helps.
jjamieson...terrific insight
Submitted by dedelight4 on
jjamieson, Thank you SO MUCH for the terrific insight with the post you sent. I totally understand the references you've made with the difficulties of dealing with ADHD. Your examples of all the frustrations showed me a lot. I also love that your new spouse works along with you on this. I so wish that my husband would let me be part of the answer too, instead of pushing me out all the time.
I feel bad because I didn't do a lot of what others did by nagging, or calling their ADHD partner names and yelling and such, and he STILL kept his distance from me. I never nagged him, never put him down, never called him a child......I only wanted to help us communicate better. He won't even acknowledge that we HAVE a communication problem. Everything in our lives has become HIS way, what HE wants, when he wants it, and HOW he wants it....and when he DOES come to me asking an opinion on something, he doesn't REALLY want my opinion, he only wants me to agree with him. The past few years I just gave up and let him have his own way all the time, which has done nothing positive, in fact, our relationship got worse. He won't acknowledge that ADHD plays a large part in his life. He only wants to believe it's a problem of "focusing" and/or "racing thoughts". He will NOT believe it has anything to do with any other part of his life. This makes it almost impossible for us to move ahead in any way. I have to move ahead myself. I feel I've wasted so many years trying to help him better his life, and yet he doesn't remember anything I did. He only sees himself. The past 3 years, I've been in horrific back pain, and now being disabled, I can't work or do anything to get ahead on my own. I HAD hoped we could do this as a couple, but now life seems like me surviving "mentally, emotionally and spiritually" seperate from him in every way.
I wish we could do what you guys are doing. Thank you SO MUCH for your very insightful post.
Great Post...real life!
Submitted by c ur self on
This maybe a life style thing also, you don't have to be adhd to be deep in thought and not pick up the first words out of someone's mouth. I've lived a busy multi-tasked life style most of my life. So I wish I had a quarter for every time my wife just starts talking a half a room away...Then finally gets my attention, and say's did you hear a word I said? I just say, did you say something? She loves that :)
Imbalance is hard to live with
Submitted by kellyj on
Having to live with ADHD is having to live with an imbalance....it doesn't fit with anything else you know and believe about yourself and the hardest part is separating and seeing this. It isn't who you are, it's really just an incredibly painful thorn in your foot that creates problems when you walk through life. If you see the thorn as bigger and worse than it is...or if the person that you are with see's it that way even if you don't......you will never find your center even if it's off a little from everybody else.
The other hardest part is seeing how this effects others. On one hand you don't want to look at it so you don't....on the other hand, you have to and it hurts you to.
From all the posts I read on this site from non-ADHD spouses....I see them searching for what is ADHD and what is not in their partners. The problem with that is that you really can't do this for someone else. There are so many behaviors and personality differences between us that it just becomes a maze or spider's web of dead end alleys and paths leading in every direction. What you see are symptoms. The source is as elusive for us as it is for you. But...once you begin to discover just how much of your symptoms really appear in lots of other ways, you begin to realize just how far reaching it really is. This can be frightening in fact....everytime I make a new discovery in this way...at first I'm excited an optimistic....then I get depressed....then I pull out and start looking for clues on way to manage the new thing I discovered. It's exhausting! No one would choose this but....doing nothing about it is denial.
The problems you are facing with your husband could be traced to his ADHD and then again....it could be a lot of other things too..... ones that will have no solution within his ADHD. Based on myself...... things do get intertwined and it's difficult sometimes to separate them out. The other thing to remember is that there are some really great gifts that come along with ADHD...ones speaking for myself, I would never want to give up. I have the impulsive, hyper type (the "H" in ADHD) I have an incredible ability to laser focus for long extended periods of time with ease. There is nothing in the term, Attention Deficit that would reflect this in any way. I see things in ways that make me stand out in my career... all positive. I perform my job faster than anyone I've worked with in 30 years in my business...and it comes easy. When the shit hits the fan and a crisis erupts and everyone and everything is in a panic state and Chaos Reigns.....I'm in my element and it doesn't faze me at all....just another day in hell...no biggy. lol These things are also what makes me who I am. It's not about getting rid of your ADHD, it's about managing the negative parts by using the gifts it gives you (strengths) to do it. The balancing act.
My heart goes out to you if you are with someone who won't go through the pain and look at himself...he may need to feel the pain from losing you or something else he loves first before he will. Pain will do that....either way, there's no free lunch.
For what it's worth.....it sounds like you are doing right by him. You're here and you are trying and I give you a lot of credit for that. You are doing right by yourself by doing so too so no matter what happens, you can look back and know that you did. The decision to cut your losses is never an easy one but it could save your life in the end if he can't or won't save his own. He has to make that decision for himself. The only advise I will give is don't be in a hurry to make a bad decision and do it when you aren't in a bad place....a place where bad decisions come from. I needed lots of time to figure things out myself and having the meter running on my marriage only made things worse for me.
It sound like you're on the right track and OK in my book. Take care
Many, many thanks for your
Submitted by copingSAH on
Many, many thanks for your candid post. It helps to explain a lot about what my ADD dh's life was probably like... he rarely ever shares his past, other than bits of trivia and repeating the same general comments. I always wondered why no one expressed any concerns to me about his ways but then again, he was just entering his 30s after he proposed to me after a very brief courtship. Friends/family all knew him as the funny and exasperating one. I wondered early on why some "friends" would single him out as the butt of their jokes. That made me want to protect him. It was into his 40s/50s when more of the anger and rages showed up and I finally recognized the ADD.
JJamieson this so awesome!
Submitted by c ur self on
There is healing for us all when we look ourselves strait in the face...and just deal with what's there :) I hope we all can keep such a great perspective of how our words and actions impact our lives, and those around us...great post!
dishes
Submitted by c ur self on
I never will forget, one day after my wife and I had been married a while, I just told her " I want you to start doing half of the house work" She looked at me, and made this definite face, walked across the kitchen got right up in my face and said: "That not my gifting, its yours" LOL...I think I said something like GIFT!...Its just doing what I have to for survival!...Oh well, so now I do the dishes...she will unload the dish washer occasionally :)...So I use to do them w/a chip on my shoulder, but now I just do them. Last night our 27 year old son and 35 year old daughter and her husband was here for supper, i cooked steaks on the grille...After supper, while they were visiting...she's awesome at visiting, and finding stuff for me to do :)...I just got up and done the dishes and kept my part of the conversation going form the sink...add will always keep some of us active:)
c ur self question about wife
Submitted by dedelight4 on
c ur self, I was wondering something. You have said in many posts that you are a Christian and have professed your faith and how it has helped you in in various ways with your wife's ADHD. I was wondering if your wife was also a Christian and how your wife's ADHD impacts her Christianity. My ADHD husband seems like he has a need to "control" everything around him, thus keeping me and anyone else subject to his ADHD. This also seems to include his faith in God. His unwillingness to pray and give things over to God is something he continually says "is MY department". I am also a Christian and believe in the husband having spiritual headship in a household. When the husband "gives up" his spiritual headship, but still has "headship" of everything else in the relationship it causes more issues than need be. I really respect how you are with your wife, and your stance with your faith. How does your wife feel about being a Christian? and does she keep her faith on the "back burner" so to speak, like my husband does? Is she as open about it as you are? My husband has shushed me many times when I have tried talking to others about my faith, and says, "You can't go around telling people about God", "You don't know what they are going to think about that"...and "Be careful what you say to people", when all I'm doing is telling others how good God is. Maybe this is his OWN fear of not being open with his faith, but he openly says so many other "crazy" things when his ADHD mouth filter isn't on, that I wonder how the two issues of ADHD and Christianity are connected, or aren't they connected at all?
My wife is a believer, and a
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is a believer, and a loving person, she is almost like a child about life though....She works so hard on some things, like her job, and her children. But, her day to day living of life is mostly adapting, she was 46 when we met, and she had two son's out of wedlock in her 20's she had never been married. She got involved in the church, and had some good counseling...She had been hurt a lot, mostly by men, she picked some you wouldn't want to trust, so she has had a tremendous challenge trusting me, still has it...She hadn't had a date in 5 years when we met...She just let her house go and grew up running day to day staying involved with the boy's, sports and stuff. She even coached them...But her add so effects her memory, outbursts, very intense desire to control things...I have come to believe the control thing is done out of fear and protection for their insecurities. She puts very little priority on cleaning, and is somewhat of a hoarder (one of our boundaries)...But to answer your question...I think that it is easy sometimes, to get complacent in our faith...Think about this verse: 2 Corinthians 4:11 Those of us who are alive shall be delivered to our death, so that the person of Jesus can be seen in our mortal flesh...so i think, only by grace can one come to have peace, and the living of Jesus in us is a must for that to happen. So please do not let the circumstances overwhelm you, I think they are designed by God, to help us see Jesus :) Your posts also bless me! PS...next time your husband reprimands you about sharing Jesus...Just tell him kindly it's bigger than both of us, and it's who I am!
Guilty as Charged
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I'm totally guilty of this. It's a function of the stress and fear that I will forget something. I have gotten a lot better because my husband has told me repeatedly how annoying this behavior is, and I get it now. I never realized how often I would externalize "I have to pee!!!" until he told me for about the billionth time to stop talking about it and just do it. Yeah, that's right. I'm so busy/frazzled at times I can't prioritize the simple act of urination.
It's not just that, though. I do need to do a verbal "dump" (no semi-pun intended) of what I need to do or I forget. I also use it to orient myself to the task at hand. I just remembered this: Russell Barkley (a leading ADHD expert) says that little kids need to talk through tasks because of their still emerging executive functioning skills. Adults with ADHD continue to have weaker executive functioning skills, and may continue to do this.
Making lists that are visible to me as I am a visual learner eases some of that pressure. I have a little white board in my kitchen with lines and numbers so I can put tasks in order. Other times, if I don't have access to the white board and I forgot to charge my cell phone, I will occasionally ask my husband to remind me.
Finally, because we A) forget and B) can't prioritize particularly well, we may continue to say the same thing ad nauseum without actually getting to it. We INTEND to, but don't know how. This is a skill I continue to learn. In the meantime, I apologize on behalf of my "people" for this super annoying habit.
ADHDMomof2
More Stuff We Do and Some Reasons Behind IT
Submitted by kellyj on
I've come to realize that the verbal dumps are in an attempt to remember or process information. It's really annoying to everyone else...this is MY problem extending on to them. I realize this now and try and edit this as much as possible before I speak. It takes lots of practice! Succinctness, succinctness, succinctness....I keep reminding myself.
I suffer from inattentional deafness (look it up on how this works, it's fascinating if you're interested) extremely badly. It's where the other person speaks and you hear them but only part of what they said actually gets processed into memory. I will usually respond with "yes", and a few minutes later...it's gone. Until they say, "did you remember when I said"...and I do recall them saying it this is true...but only after they remind me that they said it. Before that...it's as if they never did. Crazy thing is, I can remember things in amazing detail...phone numbers and lock combinations from years ago, street names, lyrics to songs I've only heard once, directions and instructions, quotes...all with scary accuracy. Ask me to turn on the washing machine and 5 minutes later....I'll forget.
I also know exactly how to stop this. Get my attention first. If I'm reading, doing something with my hands, driving, talking to someone else on the phone, thinking about something......ANYTHING!!! else at the same time as someone is asking me to do something or needs me to remember something. I will forget it with an amazing degree of consistency (90% of the time). If you get my undivided attention...and I mean, completely undivided attention....I will remember things for years with the same consistency and accuracy (90%) and can't forget even if I tried. All or nothing + or - 10%. I also got A's in school this way ( 90% or above = A ) Couldn't tell you the content or application of the entire course but I could remember the right answer on the test. Is that cheating? lol
I've asked my SO to remind me as often as she wants ( not nagging ) and found just how often I do this...and found how much this helps me. I love it when she reminds me for this reason alone. If she nags I let her know...not always pleasantly but that our agreement. No nagging.
I also have come to realize how good I am at pretending to pay attention and actually not....you have to learn to do this with ADHD. The problem is that you get really good at it and others can't tell if they have your attention or not. I should get some kind of award at how well I do this...is there an ADHD Oscar? I deserve one if there is. lol
Thank you for this back and forth
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
This thread is a great example of what works best on this website - a constructive conversation back and forth about a specific issue from both ADHD and non-ADHD sides. Thank you all for sharing your ideas with us.
Agreed; this is helpful.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I agree. It's like a giant "learning conversation," to quote you. I find it interesting to know that these random, nuanced behaviors I've always attributed to my ADHD are not unique to just me (repeating intended tasks, not closing cabinet doors, etc...). You won't find this in the DSM!
I also think that the conversation from both sides makes for less US vs. THEM. The non-ADHD partners didn't ask for the craziness that can accompany untreated/undertreated ADHD. I can say that for my part, I definitely did not ask to have every task take a million times longer and all the other symptoms that ADHD brings. We can certainly learn from each other.
Yep Here too
Submitted by Momma1173 on
My husband does a similar thing. Usually it's in the morning, when I'm purse-in-hand-child-on-hip and headed out the door, running late for daycare dropoff and work. He'll start reciting everything he's going to do that day, as if for my benefit, all the while making me later. And it doesn't matter if that list is small or not, less than half of them will actually get accomplished. If I head out while he's still talking, then he follows me out the door and into the garage, and continues to talk while I'm loading our son in the car and starting it up.
My dh will recite entire list
Submitted by copingSAH on
My dh will recite entire list of groceries he picked up, even if I was the one who gave him the list. It doesn't matter if I'm busy at the stove or the groceries are in the bags or laid out on the counter, he's even brought items into our bedroom to show me what was purchased. I haven't figured a way around this yet but I just acknowledge and then at some point I have to finish cooking or taking care of diapers and do just that.
I feel your pain. Over and
Submitted by Shell10 on
I feel your pain. Over and over again. It's not just one thing either. It is multiple projects running through his head that I hear about but am unsure which he is discussing at any given time. Very annoying because apparently you have to listen to all this rambling but they can't afford to listen to you.