My ADHD husband is very bored / annoyed / irritated to listen to me when I talk about ordinary house stuff ( not interesting for him, because it's boring , not what his current interest is on) , when tried ( dropped that by now) to engage him in helping me with house things I absolutely cannot fix myself he'd get defensive, justifying lack of action in the past and often blame me for himself not getting done what he was supposed to. You would think I aggressively approached him with criticism. NO. I mention something like " would be nice to fix the door before winter so kids are warmer " in as few words as possible, then switch to offering him something nice , like coffee and leave him alone. I'm far from monster he perceives me as. When I try to talk to him about addressing our relationship troubles he gets very defensive, blames me for EVERYTHING that went wrong in that area and quickly escalates into RAGE. That scares me to death. So attempts dropped here too.
He's in absolute denial. Refuses to even read on the topic.
this is why in feeling REPRESSED. We aren't talking almost at all. I'm there to listen to him talking about what he cares and that pleases him for sure. I'm not talking myself and that pleases him as well - finally WIFE- DISTRACTION is eliminated, while other wife functions are still executed. Good for him. But I more and more see myself as a horse from that joke where someone taught the horse to live without eating. He almost succeeded but horse unexpectedly died.
im taught to live without communication and I'm almost unexpectedly:( dead inside as well.
I heard the advice to look for friends and talk to them.
BUT is there way to get through HIS wall of ADHD and denial and be heard and welcomed to share deep conversations about things that matter - us as couple for example. Friends and husband are not same , that's just not interchangeable, like food and water...
Repression issue
Submitted by inSearchForHope on 12/08/2019.
Sadly "Common" hear also....
Submitted by c ur self on
When a person lives in a mind that is so tunnel visioned, and so self absorbed, and so easily distracted....It takes great work to give attentive focus....My wife is the same, I could have written your post almost verbatim!
(BUT is there way to get through HIS wall of ADHD and denial and be heard and welcomed to share deep conversations about things that matter - us as couple for example. Friends and husband are not same , that's just not interchangeable, like food and water...)
I haven't found it if there is.....What I have found out is, it's more likely to happen if she is forced to initiate the conversation, (because I have totally cut her off) or, if she is forced to because she is in front of a counselor....But, mine had rather take poison than discuss the reality of her life style, and the effects it has on me, and us....
Don't let him gaslight you!....That is all any caring person (that is giving loving effort in communication) gets back from a closed mind of denial, who angrily rebukes our efforts....
The only peaceful place is away from them....Away meaning to accept the hopeless reality that no effort will ever come from them unless it's tied to a selfish desire.....Think about it????
c
I can feel your frustration
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I can feel your frustration when I read your post. I cannot think of anything that would break through the wall of denial you speak of.
Boundaries may help. I'm wracking my brain to think of something that would help you in your situation. You certainly don't want to engage in a "tit for tat" situation. Not listening to him talk about his interests or his day could go one of two ways. It sounds like your total silence would suit him just fine. I believe the only thing that could possibly jar him, get him to change is to find something that would make him uncomfortable enough to change. I don't know what that would be, but I hope you find something soon.
I know this is unrelated, but with my ex husband he did not start acting differently until I decided to change the way I reacted to him. No more meek little mouse, I would calmly state: " I will not discuss this with you", or something to that effect and disengage, as my therapist suggested. Walked away to another room. He would huff and puff and stomp after me, in a rage. I stood my ground and did not cave. He's pissed? Oh, well too bad. We still divorced because after a more than a decade of gaslighting and verbal abuse I could take no more.
I never figured it out
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I used to tip-toe so gently every time I needed something around the house, too. It's really aggravating because my husband does next to nothing and whenever I absolutely need something (because I'll try every avenue before asking him first, trust me), it is such a big deal. Honestly, this is all about him and not about you. What more can you do? Inside he knows he should be doing more or feels that he should be more capable and that defensiveness comes out no matter what the approach. That's my experience anyway. Now I still try to do as much as possible without asking him, but I have become unapologetic when I do ask. I have started either pushing back or at least appearing as though his rage does not affect me (as Adele described).
I barely speak to my husband and you're right... he's happy like that. The less he has to interact with me or our daughter, the happier he is.
I did not figure out a way to connect with my husband over about 10 years of trying. I would venture to say all the successes you'll read about on here come from couples where the ADHD partner is willing to try on their side. They need to read about it, see it, treat it and stick with it. We can't make them participate and we have already tried so hard on our side. That is hard to hear. We want to fix this, but we can't as long as they won't.
I was here!
Submitted by Dagmar on
I was exactly here, and here for years. We used to get into these fights where I'd be screaming "you need to do this stuff, just tell me how you would like me to remind you, because I've tried every tone possible and you lose your mind!"
I don't know how I got through to him. Some of it was just letting everything fall on him and not rescuing him anymore. When he lost his last job, I didn't help him look for a new one. I didn't find another job (I work part-time) like in the past, I simply said "If I have to go back to killing myself by doing everything at home and having a demanding job, then it will be easier for me if I only have two mouths to feed, not three." I was matter-of-fact, which is terrifying to him, because he knows my mind is made up.
He also managed to realize that when he becomes defensive and denies things, that he's not just covering his ass, he's gaslighting me. I'm remembering this because he slipped up this weekend and when something wasn't done, his first response was "I DIDN'T DO IT." I just looked at him and said "then who did?" and he apologized and said he probably forgot.
I do not think that this change would have happened if he hadn't lost his job (and then another one in quick succession), and I just totally refused to enable him. He realized how much I did, how hard it was to support someone, and became a little more understanding of his own limitations.
However, no matter how great things are now, I'm still waiting for him to totally revert - we will see. He's starting to get frustrated working two jobs and having all his money disappear, but I just point out that it's because he has a family and when I worked two jobs and all my money disappeared, it was just from supporting him.