My husband and I live apart; he lives with and takes care of his aging parents. He almost never calls me or responds to emails. (E.g., in the past 10 weeks, he has called 2 times, I think.)
After our older daughter said she wouldn't be able to come home for Christmas, I said that I'd try to get some family members out to visit her in December. Other daughter originally was interested but then decided she didn't have sufficient time, with school obligations. I mentioned to my husband a few weeks ago that a trip was a possibility.
So, I had called him Wednesday night to say what my tentative travel dates were. (I had decided to wait to proceed with planning until after my second mammogram; all clear on that; hurray!) He said, "You probably would have a better time if I didn't come along." I didn't respond. Later, he said something like the following: "I'm depressed and I'd probably just drag [daughter] down." I didn't respond. He said he would ask a sibling whether she could cover for him. I said we should talk the next evening. He said he might call. He didn't, so I called him. Sibling can cover for him but has one conflict. I said I'd look at other dates for the trip. I called him back the next evening. I told him the dates I was considering. He was still not willing to decide. "Oh, it would be really nice to see daughter and to be in a warm place, but...." I said he should think about it. He said he'd call me in the morning. He didn't. In the early afternoon, I called him. He was still hedging. I said I wanted to buy tickets and he said he'd call in the evening. He didn't.
This morning, I bought my tickets. I emailed him my itinerary but I don't plan to call him back. I'm frustrated by my husband's difficulty with making decisions; even worse is him not calling me.
Does anyone else encounter behavior like this?
Excellent News! :)
Submitted by Standing on
I am Yay-ing!!! along with you on your all-clear, Rosered!!! :)
What a relief for you and what a great way to celebrate for your holiday.
I know how it feels to not have a partner in the times of sorrow.. or joy. Could be his depression makes follow through too difficult for him. Could be that he simply does not have the wherewithal to simply say, No, to you.. at least not at this time. But really... he has made a decision, just not in the way that a mature adult would express it?
Anyhow, i am just plain glad for you!! :)
Thank you, Standing!
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you, Standing!
Yes, the no response is a decision. It just seems so cowardly to me. This has been an issue since I met my husband more than 30 years ago. The only things I recall him being decisive about were (sensitive folks, shut your eyes) wanting to have sex; and breaking the law, such as by cheating on our taxes.
Lack of boldness
Submitted by Standing on
Rosered, looking at current situations... your husband seems to have virtually crawled back into the womb, while mine has climbed out onto the furthest, most feeble limb of a decrepit, old tree. Narcissism has emboldened him, but cowardice is at that core, too. Fear of facing an authentic self.
For some of us, true courage is contagious, inspiring. Others, it seems to drive into deeper hiding.
I think that it requires tremendous courage to do what you are doing, to continually extend a hand of fellowship to a man who has continually failed to meet you where you are. You are a most excellent friend to him :)
I encounter this constantly,
Submitted by copingSAH on
I encounter this constantly, constantly.
We have only been to the beach one time in 5 years. DH just can't commit and he knows it's his son's favorite place in the world... but if I were to schedule a beach trip without a 100% "OK" from dh, he become absolutely belligerent for the entire trip. Once we're back on the road going home, he snaps out of it and is overtly cheerful. It is sickening.
This might not be ADD but some kind of personality disorder...
This sounds familiar!
Submitted by Moondust on
resistance in decisions
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I can relate to this as well. Plus, I've a few updates. My husband has just recently started "working" his ADHD for the very first time. We've been married 31 years, he found out about the ADHD about 8-9 years ago, and takes Concerta. (doesn't go to behavioral therapy) It's been somewhat surprising for me, because he (on his own) got Melissa's book (audio) and listened to it while on a trip recently. He is also sincerely trying to help me around the house and is being much nicer and kinder to me. I sort of don't know how to act or "react", because I had resolved myself inwardly knowing he would never face his ADHD, thoroughly believing that our living as roommates was the best that our relationship was ever going to get. I had to shut down my emotions and learn to not say anything about anything unless it was something HE was interested in. He seemed to be settled enough with this, despite the fact that I know he wanted more for us, but he couldn't and/or wouldn't SAY THAT.
Anyway, about the decisions: I was surprised to hear my husband actually TALK about his ADHD, and while doing so, he was talking about decision making. He said how overwhelmed he gets when faced with decisions, and that decisions like "taking out the trash" and/or "paying taxes" are both on the same level, and there is no priority level where HE is concerned. They are both the same. But, to me as a "non", paying the taxes is a high priority decision that needs to be done SOONER rather than 3 years LATER, and not FORCED to do it, with all the fines and penalties that come with it. He also said that when faced with too many decisions at one time, he then "shuts down" and does nothing, because of being overwhelmed.
I already knew this, but was surprised to hear him actually "say" it. It was GOOD, mind you, and I was glad he shared this with me, but I did wonder why he never shared this before, or anything close to it. He always prided himself in how "right" he has been about everything, and revealing imperfections about himself was not something he readily did. I wanted to say to him...(.but didn't).....".I would love to hear about your imperfections, because it makes you emotionally vulnerable just a little bit, and allows me to share in part of your life". I didn't want to scare him from maybe saying more, so I said nothing. It's those "little things" that help make a couple a little closer. (sappy, I know...)
I don't know where our lives are going, and part of me is still waiting for "the other shoe to drop", and for this "sudden interest in ADHD to dissappear, But, even in a short time, he's changed somewhat and it's been a good thing to see.