Hi Lauren07,

Good article and so true.  During my divorce (years ago) , that my ex-wife initiated ....she seemed to spill a lot of pent up frustration and anger she had all at once which seemed displaced, irrational, and somewhat unreasonable to me at the time?  Like she was just looking for excuses or rationalizing her decision to lessen the guilt of being the one who made the first decision to leave. 

In respect to some of the things she blurted out during this time I think I was right.....mostly venting a lot of years of repressed anger and resentment and a lot of what she said you could take with a grain of salt.  However.....one of these things she blurted out in the moment as her reasoning was in relationship to what she called  "the environment."  I thought about this for a while and it still was still troubling to me since it didn't seem to make any rational sense as a valid reason all by itself??  I just didn't understand why this was so important because these things just weren't that big a deal to me? 

On my ex-wifes end however.....saying the word "environment"  and assuming I would some how get everything said in this article by simply using this one word to communicate this to me was naive and presumptuous at best?  No way no how would I ever come up with this explanation for this unless someone were to sit down and explain it to me in great detail.  Even then.....I would never feel the same about it or appreciate the importance of it in the same way but at least....I would understand all the reasons why and the ramifications of my inability to see it the same way.  Without this explanation.....explaining this to me....there is no way possible I would ever arrive at this conclusion all on my own.  No way....no how....never in a millions years!  Not unless she explained it too me and that is what she never did.  She assumed I somehow should be able to figure it out and resented me for the fact that I couldn't/didn't do what was not possible to do in the first place.

Since then....I have come to the same understanding that this article is describing and why this made no sense to me at the time?  I have also come to realize the problem and why it exists in the first place that being:  the major contributing factor in this dilemma itself is lack of communication, lack of knowledge  and making assumptions by jumping to conclusions from those same assumptions and basing these things entirely on yourself instead of asking questions, listening, learning and finding out what you don't know and where you went wrong?

None of this will do any good unless you have an open mind to begin with.  The only way that can happen is to entertain the thought that maybe....you might be wrong in what you think you know or believe is true?  On BOTH SIDES!

What I learned from my experience?

"Environment" was just a code word for this very thing....but "this" explanation and the reasons why were missing in the repertoire in my own thinking.  Why?  Because I'm a guy and I don't think this way?  And in the same vain.....I thought my ex-wife was being unreasonable and ridiculous when she would base her opinions about things that clearly were important to me and she was obviously (with intention) being a disrespectful "bitch" to me on a very deep level (hitting below the belt and doing it with extreme prejudice)  when she appeared completely indifferent to me, my needs and trying to use these "trifles" of unimportance in comparison.

These things that were so hurtful and disrespectful to me.... she didn't seem to care about them or me at the same time?  This indifference to these things that were so important to me made her appear to me  as cold heartless and unfeeling "Bitch!".  That was the conclusion I came to and how I remember feeling about her many times under these circumstances.

The critical error in our own thinking is when we see something that we don't understand (or possibly never will?) and immediately dismiss it as unimportant and then making that decision FOR someone else.  This happens when we assume that others feel the same way about something as we do and then never bothering to find out the reasons "why?" or doing anything different at that point. 

You don't have to understand it or agree with the reasons.....but in order to be respectful.....you have to accept it even IF you don't understand it or deem it as "unimportant" for another person basing this entirely on yourself and how you feel about it.  This is two way street in all regards and the respect you give is what you will get in return....it can't work any other way....only....how, when, what and why are all going to be different for that other person.  Finding out the answers to these questions should be the first thing you do....and not  to assume "you know." 

How can you possibly know how another person feels about something if you don't ask or they don't tell you?  And then once they tell you......you have to take them for face value and believe them.  Straight up.  If they are incapable of telling you or they "just don't know"....it's still doesn't relieve you of your responsibility to find out by asking questions and having as much information you can first before you make any judgments or decisions concerning your own lack of information or understanding.  Ignorance of the law is no excuse....especially for the person who is being offended and hurt by your ignorance if that's the case.

I think for those of us who are guys and have ADHD......this article is a must read because it is absolutely true.  I learned this the hard way but you don't have to by just accepting it as true and not questioning it any further or a need to "understand it". 

Accept it,  then.... proceeding accordingly with actions instead of words:)  Read it and weep as they say:)

J