Submitted by J on 08/09/2024.
I'll have to come back to this one since I'm currently at work. A recent post on verbal abuse caused me to pause and think about this topic for a moment. It required some research on my end because I realized I needed to know more about the topic of RSD.
When I first came to this forum around 8 or so years ago, I was challenged to ferret out my own anger which is what this post is all about: ferreting out anger. That, and being first introduced to emotional lability at that time, is what I assume, is now part of, or contained in, the same topic of RSD.
I'll be back to tell you what I've found and I did find something indeed.
RSD Test
Submitted by J on
So, I'll walk through the steps I took to get to what I feel is at the bottom of what is my RSD, as it is specific to me. This at the very least, one trigger point to consider. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more and I'm sure there is.
It started out with me taking an RSD self test on the ADDitude web sight in association with an article I found. They appear to be a credible source I thought? I tend to take these tests because they can be revealing as I always tend to learn something in the process. I took it 3 times over 3 days to see if my answers and the score would change.
What I got was an average of 23 out 60, with 60 being most severe. This is no cause for celebration, as I know for sure I've had RSD in the past and I would have for sure had a higher score if I had taken it say, 30 years ago ( Also thinking, these things don't just disappear completely, they only get managed better.....it's in there somewhere, right?
The test is scored on frequency: very often, often, sometimes, rarely and never......and I had a couple of often, a bunch of sometimes, a handful of rarely and one never. It was the "never" that caught my eye? And for me, it was the easiest one to answer and the one I was most sure of. I found this curious and immediately wondered why?
"Do you pass up opportunities or avoid starting
projects because you're afraid you'll fail? Answer
Provided:
X Never"
This is where it gets more specific to me personally. It's also an insight to what makes me tick.
I kind of dismissed the first half of the question about opportunities and went straight to: starting projects because you're afraid you'll you'll fail".
A project for me has always been ( historically ) something I make, create, build or otherwise with my hands. This includes all art projects as well. In my carreer/ job....big jobs are also called projects. So when I see the word project, that's where my head goes.
Back to the question: why was I so sure about this question that I could say never?
*This is key to where I'm going with this
J
Perfectionist
Submitted by J on
"Some people use the pain of RSD to
find adaptations and overachieve.
They constantly work to be the best at
what they do and strive for idealized
perfection. Sometimes they are driven
to be above reproach. They lead
admirable lives, but at what cost?"
When it comes to my work, I'm a perfectionist. I'm also a people pleaser as a second consideration. I'm all over this description. Another major consideration to consider.
*This is also key to where this is going.
I wouldn't go as far as saying I've led an admirable life. Actually quite the contrary however, in my work alone you could say I have. This is where the contradictions begin.
This is where all those: "I can't believe you did that?" comments come from all my life. It happened again ( sigh ) when I went to work at my current job. Nothings changed. Anymore, it's just a joke to me. I laugh now, instead of being offended.
Recently, I did a job that no other goldsmith who'd worked at my current employment could do, but had tried and failed according to my boss. Then I come along, and did it. The one who she didn't think could do it. Quote: "I didn't think you could do it".....oh ye of little faith.
In fact, I did it so well she couldn't tell the difference between the piece I was copying and the new one I made. She doesn't understand. I'm a counterfeiter. I copy things so exactly and precisely, brush stroke for brushstrokes of the artist that I'm copying, that you can't tell the difference between mine and the original piece. To perfection. I'm a perfectionist. This is what I do. Thousands upon thousands of times. The others who tried simply weren't counterfeiters like I am. I'm specialized, even in my field. There are very few of me. I've only met 3 other goldsmith's who I personally know that can do this in 40 years. The one who taught me, and two others. Two are dead, and one is retired which leaves only me. I am the only one I know who can do what I do. I am above reproach in my work.
This is also key here*
This is because I was born with a gift. I use to believe it might be part of my ADHD but not anymore. It was a gift from God. End of story.
And I discovered this gift very early in life. Around kindergarten when I first really realized it. And I was a very prolific kid. I drew so much, that my mom had to buy me reems of typing paper instead of art paper to keep up with me. Practice makes perfect, and been practicing ever since....for over 60 years.
This is also key *
So, for a kid with ADHD, who was constantly being criticized and screwing up. Doing art was my sanctuary, it was my domain, it was my safe place. The one thing where I stood out and told "you did a great job" instead of yelled at. And I was driven to do more with a passion.
I never got anything less than an A in school in art. I won awards etc... And I did it by copying. It's what I did best. I copied others work. And I perfected it to a fine art. I'm a counterfeiter. It's what I do....from a very young age. To perfection.
Are you beginning to see a theme here?
So when it comes to doing projects: starting projection, doing projects and completing projects.....
Not only am I not afraid of failure...I've failed thousands of times. I failed so many times the numbers are staggering. Failure is part of learning and I started learning at a very earky age but....the biggest key here in all of this was....with those failures I also had success. For every failure...I had countless more successes. From a very early age.
Why? Because I was given a gift. A gift from God.
For me this is not hard to understand. Hopefully if you've made it this far, Ive done a good job of painting this picture too?
Hopefully I have, so I can now show you the anger and RSD.
I'll come back to finish in my next post.
J
Verbal Abuse Cause and Effect
Submitted by J on
I was going to give an example of how my anger appears over something seemingly insignificant that happened at work. My anger was just a flash in the pan. Actually, it amounted to only two words: " he's stupid."
There was no raging or drama, no big deal was made in fact, the person I was referring to ( the he's stupid comment ) wasn't even in the room when I said. This incident was all about him ( the guy) making a mistake that caused me a lot of grief. But more importantly to me, he created a situation by his mistake, where I was forced to do something I would never do to correct the problem. I didn't create the problem but I was tasked to fix it. And the only way to fix it was to compromise the integrity of the piece of jewelry was working on. In essence, I made it worse in one way that permanently damaged it in a way that it can never be made right again. It was the only option left in me to do what was required.
But in this situation, I did an admirable job of covering all my tracks and by appearance alone, it looked great. Everyone was happy except for me. The customer loved it, my boss loved it.....and I was left boiling mad! By my standards, it was completely unacceptable. I knew what I did, and I knew what lurked beneath the facade of a good job by appearance alone.
And in the moment, instead of saying something like: he made a mistake, it could happen to anyone. Or.....he's young and inexperienced, he's learning and just doing his best which is absolutely true.
In a flash moment, I blurted out: he's stupid...which is actually not true at all. His intelligence had nothing to do with it. I flipped the script from what was real and made it a personal attack on his intelligence. From that second on, I lost the debate and made it personal.
Only my two immediate coworkers heard me, and the second I said it, I regretted instantly. The words had barely left my lips when I wished I could suck them right back it. This incident is now long forgotten and blown over. No one is even thinking about it or giving any weight to it at all. It was just a momentarily slip in the heat of the moment. Chalk it up to another stressful day at work and just one more fire to put out.
The problem here for me was.. I didn't get over it that quickly. It literally ruined my day, it ruined my weekend and still affecting me into the following week. To the point....I removed my name from the job so if anyone were to look it up later on the computer....no ones name ( and especially mine ) would show up associated with that job.
And in the moment, I even said : " I'm ashamed to have my name on it" Most definitely, I was feeling deep amounts of shame over this that carried into the next week.
But that was my anger in that moment. Flipping the script and making it personal. Attacking the person who caused this problem for me. The one who put me in a position where I was forced ( against my will )....to do something I would never do otherwise and intentionally compromise a customers ring, knowing full well, the damage I was doing to it. I was backed into a corner with no way out....a no win situation where I was feeling deep shame because of it.
Was this the guys fault? Yes
Was I justified to be mad and frustrated over this situation? Yes
Was it wrong of me to lash out in a flash moment and make it personal by attacking his character and intelligence? Yes That was me, having a personal problem and making my problem his....by attacking him personally.
Like I said, the guy wasn't even in the room to hear me say it. But I said it out of anger...because of the shame I was feeling.
But this guy is just a co-worker...we aren't married, he isn't my intimate partner, we don't live together. In the context of our relationship...man to man....this could easily be written off as a weak moment said in the heat of anger.
Even if he was in the room....I doubt seriously he would have felt traumatized or felt as though I was abusing him. Especially if this was a one time incident and never happened again. He may not like it, but my guess is he'd roll with the punches, the same as I would.
But what if....I brought this home and did the same thing with my intimate partner and called her stupid? Even just one time? What if....I kept doing this repeatedly every time she hit the shame button?
And what if ...it didn't come with a raging tantrum and an emotional explosion?
What if someone calmly walked into the room and called you stupid and turned around and walked away?
And they did this over and over with no drama at all? Add in....a raised voice and some contempt for good measure.
Now imagine this is done when you're a child?
No matter how you slice it....this is my definition of abuse.
Frequency, and quantity is how I'd measure the severity of it..... divided into the length of time it's endured.
And....at the end of the cause and effect chain of abuse comes maladaptive strategies to compensate. In avoidance of shame.
This perfectionism concept has just answered dozens of questions and created hundreds more. I came back to this forum looking for one thing...and ended up discovering something else instead. So much has been explained...and so many more questions.
This will definitely keep me busy for quite a while I imagine.
J