I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year we're both in our late 40s. The potential for undiagnosed ADHD came to a head about six months ago. He went from "no one has every said I have ADHD" to listening to the book and really relating to it. So we're out of denial, which is good but nothing much else has changed. Where it is really hard for me is in terms of plans- he regularly breaks plans we have together- usually because he has double booked himself or just completely forgotten altogether. We've talked about creating a "system" and he is doing a little better about adding things to his calendar. But even if it is on his calendar doesn't mean it is going to happen. I'm working with my own therapist to learn that this doesn't mean I'm not important (some days I'm better at this than others). Today, I really got that he just can't do it. He's completely unreliable in terms of dates/times. He doesn't mean to hurt people, but he is. I've expressed my concerns and he says he plans to pursue a diagnosis and possible medication. How do I live like this in the meantime when it feels like the rug can get pulled out from under me at any moment and it feels hard to trust him? My instinct is to not make any plans with him at all- but that doesn't feel like a relationship. It feels like downgrading from a "boyfriend" to just dating. Any ideas?
Scheduling Challenges
Submitted by flylorider on 06/21/2024.
Accept this is his best
Submitted by adhd32 on
Accept that you cannot change, help, or get him to refocus. Accept this is his best. What if his plans to get a diagnosis never come to fruition? If you don't want to live in limbo consider some boundaries. Getting a diagnosis will not change much unless he is committed to the program. It would require a great deal of effort from him. So your boundaries can be about him moving forward with his own treatment. Just watch how things progress without any input from you. If he decides it is too much for him, you have your answer on his commitment level and you will remain at the downgraded dating level.
Thank-you adhd32 for your
Submitted by flylorider on
Thank-you adhd32 for your comments. Sometimes I think it always comes back to boundaries.
The pull of chaos
Submitted by Swedish coast on
The sad thing about systems to improve ADHD executive skills, is their success depends on ADHD partner executive skills. My ex husband and I have gone through hundreds of schemes. Nothing has stuck. Everything has petered out in a few weeks at most. Even the careful plans crafted by professionals, big boards of weekly plans on the kitchen wall, digital reminders chiming day in day out, the lot.
It's almost certainly not lack of love, nor is it depreciation. It's just dysfunction. To me, in the end the resulting chaos was impossible to live with.
Thanks Swedish Coast for your
Submitted by flylorider on
Thanks Swedish Coast for your comments. I feel your pain and I totally agree it isn't about lack of love or care. Time will tell on this one.
What is possible....
Submitted by c ur self on
I married my ADD wife when she was 46...16 years later, we have suffered a lot of avoidable pain due to the dynamic you are experiencing...What made it avoidable was something that we don't want to accept, and only the pain of reality (what is possible) forces us there....So in my attempt to help you to not experience a lot of the pain that I have, I will tell you this; Never attempt to think for him....What is simple organization for you and I, is NOT for them...If you step back, and SEE his chaotic life style (minds capability) as the reality it is, HE lives like this, and will die like this, (barring a miracle) then you are seeing his truth, and you can have peace....It's OK for us (the NON's) to recognize the big difference's in our life styles, and and our abilities of mind...It's OK for us to calmly think and say, we don't like it...It's OK for us to realize that much of what this person plans or agree's to, will never be able to be lived out...I wasted a lot of time and years, waiting for her to (what I angrily called CARING) just step up, and keep her word about plan's & agreements...What made it twice as hard to accept for me was, most of the activities she wanted us to do, was flowing out of her dopamine seeking mind...
I'm not recommending that you move on....But, I am telling you unless you want this dynamic; your life having to be on hold, often, (a life of concessions) then don't put yourself in the position to make this your reality, it will be!...The dynamic you are talking about here, in my marriage and experience, only grew as I become just a tool for her tool box, a tool that only served the purpose of making her life easy....(enabling)
This is something I suggest you give some thought to...There are REAL reason's why people are single (available) in their 40's...Things they will openly state...Then the other things we find out by watching them live day to day!...
Blessings
c