Traits of Narcissism...Patterns....The more I become a student of behavioral patterns in my and my wife's life the easier it gets to identify. Hopefully someday it will even get easier to endure and ignore from her... lol....And recognize in myself, before I puke it up onto her and others...If I had to label us for most of our marriage. I would say I trend toward the Narcissist...and she trends toward a Authoritarian, with sever Add to spice it up:)...Ouch...Now folks If you don't think God is able...then you would be wrong...Because we have been a nasty combination...
Why are you guy's like this? Good Question! I'm glad you asked:)...Our gene's? Our childhood? our confidence in our own ability? Our sin nature?....It wasn't like the potential, and even the reality (blind to or in denial of course) wasn't hidden inside us when we married for this tumultuous ride we've been on....It just hadn't surfaced in this monstrous revelation that only comes about in coexistence, also, because of the lives we lived and the people we had in close quarters....As for myself, I had a wife for 30 years, who was a very humble saint...Who after she passed away, my oldest daughter informed me that I was rough on at times...Who said to me; Mother always just ignored many of your controlling tendencies out of respect and love, she new you loved us and would do the right things:(...This same daughter who was like an angel most her life, when she feel into her own temptation as a 19 year old. Told me as we had a heart to heart setting up in the bed one night that the reason she didn't confide in me more was because she was scared on me:(:(:( Enough of about me, I'm still not that strong Ha Ha....
My wife? well, severe add, pregnant by a boyfriend who she loved at age 24, but had to walk away and raise her son alone because of his alcohol abuse, and irresponsibility...Pregnant again 5 years later by a guy she was dating, who also walk out on her...So from age 29 until we meet when she was 46, between her ADD, raising two kids alone, being a the main provider and a soccer mom of two wonderful boys alone. Plus all the other issues of life, well, you see!...Also most of the guy's she was pursued by wasn't the kind who looks to settle down w/ a ready made family...So more abuse, feelings of inadequacies...I remember once before we married, I had to make a doctor's appt...and I did...She approached me after she found out and said...I really wish you would let me handle this kind of stuff...She said; "I don't bring much into this marriage, but things I'm good at, I want you to let me handle"...I didn't fully understand at the time, but it eventually cleared up:(
Not a pretty picture uh? God is good!...I'm trying each day to face my demon's and give them to Jesus...Not sure, why I'm up typing this, Maybe it can speak to someone.
I just want to say this one more thing...You may be married to a spouse with many problems, but just remember, It always takes two!
No one makes you and I stay, and many of the cases I read about on this forum is in my opinion very unhealthy, abusive and dangerous...Also just my opinion again, many should at least separate in order to gain clarity, overcome anger, and see if the abusive or unfaithful partner can and does change when their enabler isn't there anymore....Life is short....
There is healing to be had, but it want be found in my attempts to judge and make the corrections in this marriage....
"Those who experience peace in death; (dying daily to self) will experience peace in this life"....c ur self.
Amen!
Submitted by NCYankee on
I totally believe God is able! It's just that the daily struggle can really break you down. I have 5 kids and am a stay at home homeschooling mom. My husband is a mess and I pretty much feel like the only adult in this home. He pays the bills which is great, but that's all he does - literally. Jesus is my all in all and the One who completes me, but then I'm like "Why did I get married then? I know we all have bad times, but it's been a perpetual bad time for 10 years now." Holes in the wall, shoving me down, cussing me out, spitting on me, breaking televisions... Always being 'the bigger person' gets old after so long. Feel like I'm wasting my life away trying to be a Godly help meet to someone who doesn't want really want that. I'm waiting on the day God literally knocks some sense into him. Then again I'm pretty sure he isn't truly saved b/c God always chastens his children.
Mirroring, A Confusing Phenomenon???
Submitted by kellyj on
It's so much easier to sort out behaviors in other people when you are the audience instead of the participant. If I was a football coach and watching you from the side lines...I'd be telling you....."play your own position, not hers." I know this is an old post but this is not unheard of either. Mirroring is healthy for connection with others we're in relationships with and if both people are very similar with one another anyway, it will give you good feedback for yourself to learn and adjust to them. It's a way to build closeness and helps create a bond.
What you see is what you get....like looking into a mirror. But if two people are very distinctly different or one has a disorder like Narcissism or ADHD....things can get very confusing from your side (the spouses) and I think this is where the majority of pain and hurt comes from on your end.
Mirroring is something people do automatically and don't realize they are doing it for all the reasons I mentioned. In the early stages of your relationship when we are hyper focused on you....the mirroring you get from us is as intense as we feel as well and it gets generated back to us in a blissful feedback loop. This might give you another perspective of how we feel at any time we're interested in something and hyper focusing at the same time....it can be very INTENSE!! The down side is that we have the equal lows to go with it. Not always depression but just the loss of the intensity or high that comes with life in general which also gets fed back to the people we really Love or love to be with. It's a blessing and a curse for us and you at the same time:(
I can honestly say at this time speaking for myself now....I can see the similarities with Narcissism but can also see the difference even if other can't. That's not to say that a person with ADHD can't be full blown Narcissist too....that would be a double whammy and a painful one to have to endure.
But with ADHD in general and what looks and feels like Narcissism from other people perspective only persists when we don't realize our symptoms and are not self aware we have ADHD (in denial or just not knowing like me) A true Narcissist (without ADHD) has a different dynamic going on....more out of deep seated self loathing and in need of others to mirror them for their own self esteem....a more parasitic relationship feeding off others with a more chronic need need for attention and admiration.
Hey....Bio-feedback feels GREAT when another person falls in Love with you no matter who you are!! So many comments about how wonderful the beginning is and how that goes away after the honeymoon phase (hyper focus phase with ADHD ). If you think about it.... a Narcissist is going to keep going to the well so to speak, in order to get fed. They need other people to get their needs met not the other way around. If we ADHD'er move off to something else that's of more interest (speaking plainly here)...we're just going to what ever fits that bill, and aside from maybe the ones who really are more Narcissistic from most of the stories you here in this forum.....it's usually not another person (affairs and cheating) and more other outside interests: hobbies, activities etc....to the point of withdrawing from people in general. This isn't Narcissism if you can understand the core need of a Narcissist even if that's irrelevant for you on your end. What is relevant is the hope for change once we see this too.
Again...this has been brought to my attention in a way for me to finally understand this from hearing all the stories on this forum to the point of also understanding how much emotional pain this has caused for you. It also tells me exactly what is needed for my wife right now in a way I totally see and understand. Calling it Bio-feedback sounds a bit clinical (for me it's an easy way to remind myself )...but attention and affection directed specifically at you all is really what is needed. The had part on our end is feeling depressed from not meeting you needs and feeling sad for doing it to you (also not so Narcissistic).
If we don't feel like we deserve it for being oblivious to your needs and you are showing Love back in return....it will cause us to feel bad and shameful for our behavior in the past and the mirroring you get will still not be what you want back from us.
It's been a long haul to get to a place where I can project happiness and love coming from my end...even if I was feeling Okay for the most part but more just trying to stay even...but also saying in any relationship between two people....you will usually have one who is feeling more left out than the other depending on who you are with. I've been on both sides so I know how this can change with different people I'm with....alternating feelings of more confidence with one person or more insecurity with another. Even if this is not significant enough to call dysfunctional...as my therapist has told me that as he's seen couples come and go for many years.....it's less common to see two people come in and not have at least this balance weighted more to one side of the other and that just appears to be the case with most relationships in general.
Before I leave this....this is where I can say I'm sorry and mean it. It's hard to be sorry for something that you really don't understand but with hope for everyone else here.....getting your spouse to see what I just said I think will work as it did for me aside for the few exceptions. Is it ADHD or malignant Narcissism? That's where the line gets drawn in my mind. That's what therapist are for:)
PS.. C Ur Self.....you might review your own assessment of yourself in this post and ask yourself if this doesn't fit how you were before you were with your wife and see which one fits you best. ( or again even now?) It might really change how you feel about yourself if you are wrong but aren't seeing it. Didn't you say you were more in authority in your career in the past? Mirroring can get very confusing indeed! And something to remind yourself too....our imbalance will throw your's off too which means your worst qualaties may emerge more from you just from being with someone with ADD. This really isn't your fault either which is a good thing to keep in mind when you start to beat yourself up and feeling poorly about yourself at these times. You are responsible for your parts that's true....but you aren't necessarily responsible for this dynamic and how this can alter how you feel about yourself. I would take this with a grain of salt in other words and be positive in these moments....that will work for sure.
And of course, this works both ways:)
J
I don't think that you're a
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I don't think that you're a narcissist at all. Not at all. If you're a bit of a control freak, that is one thing, but that doesn't make you a N.
Believe me....if you were an N, then you would have thrown away Wife #2 a long time ago. She doesn't play into any sort of Narcissistic Supply that you would be needing if you were a N.
If anything, you just sound like someone who may have been a bit old school with male/female roles and you like order and you like things done a certain way. There may be a name for that, but it isn't N.