Ok, I am reaching out to get some feedback on a problem in our marriage which is huge and getting bigger by the day. One for which I see no solution. MY DH and I have been successfully working on a lot of issues, but this one seems hopeless to me and I sometimes feel like I should just move out if we can't fix it. So, as I'm sure most of you know, people with ADHD often have a myriad of sensory issues as well, much like someone on the autism spectrum. My ADHD daughter was sensitive to touch and texture and getting her dressed in the morning when she was young was Hell. My husband, on the other hand, is very sensitive to tone of voice and volume. He literally cannot stand loud voices or intensity in communication. He feels "assaulted" and overwhelmed virtually every time I open my mouth to speak, because (surprise, surprise) I am naturally one of the loudest speakers you will ever meet. My voice is clear and loud and it PROJECTS. To top it off, I am extremely emotional and the more excited I get, the louder and more "animated" I get. All of this literally sets my husband's teeth on edge. It has gotten to be such a sore subject that the minute I hear him say "Honey, take it down a notch. You're bellowing!", I get very very angry. I am not bellowing, I am just talking!!! I tell him that and he says that either way I am too loud and he can't stand it. He wants to hear what I have to say, but my delivery is all wrong for his sensory system. If I have to watch every word that comes out of my mouth for fear of hurting his ears, setting his teeth on edge, and making him anxious, then I might as well not talk at all. My entire family of origin are loud, expressive, emotional talkers (Celtic/Irish ancestry) and I LOVE being around them. We have fun and we keep things interesting, but in my own home, my speaking voice is like nails on a chalkboard to my sensitive spouse. When we visit my family, just when things are getting really fun and interesting to me, my husband usually slips out the back door quietly and goes to the barn alone to decompress. He will pace around the tractors and tiller and bushog and piles of detritus and the empty stalls for about 45 minutes before coming back inside. When I look up and see him heading out the door, I know to just let him go because he needs to get away from the very energetic dynamic in my family's home. But, in our own home, he can't escape 24/7 and I can't muzzle myself and I am really not sure where on earth to go from here. Although he is very hyper and physically energetic himself, he is easily overwhelmed by any show of emotional expression at all and feels "assaulted" by it. That is the word he actually uses. So, in a nutshell, my normal speaking voice feels like an assault to my husband almost every time I speak. What on earth are we supposed to do about that?????? I have actually asked him why he ever married me in the first place, and he says "You weren't always this loud", which isn't true. I have finally figured it out, though. As we have aged and he has advanced in his career with more responsibility, more stress, and more accountability, he has become more exhausted, more anxious, and more drained. You've heard the saying "I gave at the office"--well, in his case, truer words were never spoken. He uses every bit of stamina he has to keep his job and when he gets home, he is drained and has nothing left. When he was younger and we were dating and first married, work life was more relaxed and he wasn't using up all his strength to control his symptoms. He thinks I have gotten louder, but what is true is that as his life has gotten more "adult" and he is depleted by it, he is noticing my tone of voice in a way he never did before. This started about 3 years ago, just when his career really took a leap. Life was actually easier at home when he got laid off in 2009 and he took a job outdoors and got to run around in the woods all day. He took a huge pay cut, but was happy as a lark--totally in his element. I am happy and proud that he is successful, but have no idea what to do about this issue it creates at home. Maybe I should learn sign language--LOL. Is there anybody else here who can relate to this at all? I have never seen a single post about this and I feel really alone and stuck in a lose-lose situation here.
Sensory Issues
Submitted by phatmama on 05/07/2018.
I can relate....
Submitted by c ur self on
Scot/Irish here..:) My wife and I can both be loud, two talkers, (she is more of a talker, but, I'm a detail guy, so if I ever start, I feel like I have to be understood, u know, splain it all..LOL...Also we are like you in that we both will escalate in volume with out realizing it, especially in crowds, birthday parties or family gatherings etc...) but, when we are in close proximity it's usually not an issue, unless we are arguing....Which, I have refused to take part in for the most part over the past few years....
Sensory issues is part of it, my wife has the feel thing going...She regularly will ask me to rub something to feel the texture.....And I will just catch her rubbing something, especially in bed, Soft blankets etc....
What I will say about your issue is, as for as I'm concerned, it's a non-issue....The reality of many people is to complain about any and every thing that makes them uncomfortable....If we aren't careful we end up owning and over thinking others problems....(It's his problem, you are just being you)
My wife will do this same thing that your husband is doing....Life for many people will always be about what they want...My wife is one of those....I'm not saying she doesn't like others or don't enjoy others because she is a loving person, that loves to laugh and have fun...But she will eventually get around to (maybe on drive home, or as soon as we are alone) pointing out any thing that was said or done that she took exception to (completely unrelated to her)...Like she has some kind of right to do that...It's a bad habit at best....At home she will do the same thing....Nit pick....It would be much easier for me to take it constructively, if she wasn't so messy, lazy and irresponsible as a wife....
Anyway, I digress...If I were you, I would just be me, but, I would make an honest effort when and if it came to mind, to try and speak softer...But, I wouldn't lose any sleep over my natural tendencies in speaking....There are plenty of ways to tell when someone is wanting attention, or trying to attract attention to themselves,,,It's just another form of control and manipulation....And always finding something to be malcontented about is one those things...If it wasn't your natural voice, it would be something else....(Same here) The more you can not own it (not speak about it, and ignore his comments and actions surrounding the complaining, the more he will have to eat it...If he thinks he can get to you w/ his complaints, it want stop.....When a person uses needless and wild terminology (Bellowing!.)..LOL,....Come on, give me a break...That tells me there is a good possibility there is ulterior motives going on his mind....And those don't deserve a response, to respond in word or emotion, he wins....
You know as well as I do, that marriage is about things like Love, Honor, Respect...And because we are human beings, who ALL have our own crap, it better also be about acceptance to....Have you ever wondered if they ever think about how much we despise about the way they live...But we try to accept it, for the good of the relationship?? I wonder? If they do think about it, why isn't there more thankfulness flowing out of them...Oh well....
c
Interesting....
Submitted by phatmama on
Well, c ur self, I have to say that was a perspective I never considered--control...... That is a recurring theme in our marriage. He is very controlling, without having any awareness that he is. He is blind, deaf, and dumb to the resentment, bitterness, and rage that 20 years of controlling behavior has caused, and there is no end in sight. Not controlling in creepy ways--like checking the car mileage or my text messages, or monitoring my friends, just a "my way or the highway" attitude. He truly never questions his right to assert himself over others in our household and is oblivious to the smoldering rage he caused our son during the teenage years and still causes me on a daily basis with that crap. (like insisting I change our daughter's shirt before her choir concert because it was "inappropriate" when there was not another shirt in the house that fit the bill. The shirt she had on was the only long-sleeved white one she owned and it was a little snug because she gained weight. He threw a total hissy fit and made me change her into a sleeveless loose summer shirt. For a December concert. Yeah, talk about inappropriate--but try telling him that). And you are right--his language around my tone of voice is totally disrespectful. I may be loud, but I do not "bellow" and that is really degrading to be told constantly that I do. This morning it happened again and I just walked out of the room. Didn't get mad, didn't call him on it, just done. Went back to folding laundry and then went to work and left him to all the quiet his heart can handle. I also like that you pointed out that is just me being me-- I have almost gotten to the point where I feel like there is something "wrong" with me over this issue. If my own husband can't stand the tone of my voice, what on earth is the matter with me? Well, thank you for the big dose of reality that it is OK TO BE MYSELF. I do try to talk more softly when I catch myself ramping up, but to have to try to turn into a quiet person suddenly just to suit him is not feasible or even possible. And to be honest, I am really disgusted that I even have to live in a situation where my tone of voice is more important than what I actually have to say. Like I said before on another forum topic, if ever there was a couple who needs to live side by side in a duplex instead of under the same roof, that is us. 90% of our problems would be solved if we were marriage partners, but not roommates. We are great soul mates but awful roommates. So how is that for an impossible dilemma? Now I am bummed out...... Darn it.......
Do you think...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
...that this might be a deflection tactic for issues that he doesn't want to address? Or is it just anytime you speak to him, even about something casual?
I ask because my ex would hone in on my tone of voice, or the way I phrased something, or various other things whenever I was trying to resolve something with him and it would completely derail the goal of conversation. To me, it seemed like the behavior was part of his manipulation toolkit that he would use whenever he wanted to get away from the topic at hand.
CaliforniaGirl
Submitted by phatmama on
This is all day, every day. 24/7. I do not even really try to discuss important issues with him anymore, so it isn't that. I try to keep our relationship superficial as much as possible, because I realized a long time ago that every time we try to discuss serious issues we end up in a knock-down, drag-out fight. I love him, but no longer seek the closeness I used to think was part of married life. No, this is just me having a basic conversation or speaking at all. Unless I am actively trying to change my tone of voice, he tells me I am too loud, bellowing, "elevated", "take it down a notch", etc...... As I said, I am a very loud and animated speaker. I have dynamic body language, use my hands, get animated, but I am not a histrionic lunatic. I have always been this way. It is beyond me why he would marry me if he wanted a quiet, relaxed wife who never get excited. I am really resonating right now with what c ur self said about this having strong elements of control and manipulation, because this is what is has always FELT LIKE to me, but I never quite put my finger on it. If I were being loud in the library and an employee asked me to be quieter, It would never make me mad. But when he does it, (which is multiple times a day), it has a totally different feel which is hard to explain. It makes me feel very rejected and also like he wants to put me in my place and control the entire dynamic. He never questions whether his request is insulting or derogatory in the first place. One time I came garage to talk to him and he was wearing heavy-duty noise canceling headphones for working with power tools. When I came up to him and started talking, he said " I can't hear you. You just turned into the perfect wife." He meant this to be funny, but it really isn't, is it?
No, that is awful.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
What he said is insulting and belittling of both you and of women in general. You do not deserve that kind of treatment.
I am also naturally animated (and of Irish/Scottish descent). My laugh is hearty and deeply genuine. I have a big presence, in general. So, I totally get you...
I am sorry that he treats you this way. It is extremely disrespectful. :-/
Noise. My 2¢
Submitted by jennalemone on
Hi. At the risk of exposing my bad self, I am going to chime in here toward understanding and openess. I do not have ADD or ADHD but am the spouse of one. I have very good hearing...sometimes too good. I am also annoyed by some people's over-animation and over-emphasis voice inflection. So I have the exact opposite stance on this. It FEELS to me like someone with wide hand gesturing and "in your face" conversation style is someone who is the manipulator and I feel threatened and I back off when someone does this sometimes. When I mention to H that his mannerism/voice tone is too much for me, he takes offense. But to me, it is offensive to talk too loud and pointedly. My hearing ability and my upbringing is much better suited to intimate, sensitive tones....what I prefer is an intimate exchange. I don't think this is a ADHD thing but rather than a family habit/upbringing and also a hearing sensitivity thing. I have had people say to me that I should "speak up". So I am just as much to blame for this uneven volume of back and forth. It would be good if we were more similar, but we aren't and I just want to be able to bring up the subject and hope that he feels safe to bring up the subject also so we could converse back and forth.
jennalelemone
Submitted by phatmama on
Thank you for your opposing perspective. If ever there were any question that my husband and I are total opposites, spending time with our two families together would answer that question once and for all. When our children were younger and I was trying to be Supermom and had all the holiday dinners at my house, it was almost comical how the dynamic between his quiet, reserved, genteel Canadian family and my loud, interrupting, gesticulating, animated family looked side by side at the same table. It was almost like we were two different species of humans, there was that much difference. Through the years when we have visited his family, I have always felt like I had to "dial myself down" to fit in ,and it was exhausting. Being asked to do that in my own home is not something I am enthusiastic about undertaking. My family are very "over the top", and I am actually the mildest one of them, because I am the best educated and have the most insight into the dynamic. What I mean is that I can wear a social mask for short periods of time when I have to, but they have no concept of ever trying to do so. Ironically, when we visit my family, my husband usually goes off alone to the barn or falls asleep in the back bedroom (clearly escapism/overload/sensory shutdown). Anyway, I guess like anything else, if you want to improve, practice makes perfect, so I have actually been practicing dialing myself down. In fact, I had typed some of this message in all caps, but went back and changed it. I even shout in print--lol. I have been saying "Oh, really? I am so sorry to hear that" instead of "OH NO!!!! REALLY?????? WHAT THE HELL?????" and " I had a hard day" instead of "I HAVE HAD THE WORST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!", etc..... You get the message, I hope. The point is that I am looking at this and committing to doing my part to fix it, even if I don't like having to do it one bit. It doesn't matter what I think of it, really, because at the end of the day, I can either hold on to my birthright to loudness or I can fix it and move on and move one step closer to harmony in our home. To me, that is a no-brainer. I would rather be happy than right. And I would rather him be happy even if he isn't right a lot of the time, I guess. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I appreciate the feedback, as it gives a good perspective from the other side.