My Husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have two young kids. Within the last year or so he has finally agreed to medication and learning about his ADHD which he was diagnosed with as a child and never dealt with. I have decided that if things don't change that I can no longer stay married to him. I have completely met my breaking point. I now have depression, severe anxiety, stomach problems, withdrawing from friends and family and am constantly in fight or flight mode. I feel that I have given everything to my marriage and do truly love my husband but I can't deal with things anymore the way they are. I was out of town all week and after a year of messing with his medicine he finally feels like he might have the right combination. My husband has read Melissa's book, worked on his relationship with our kids and devoted time and energy to getting better. Seems like we have had a great week as we talk on the phone and check in with each other. At first I was really excited feeling ready to come home and work on things with him. However now I am terrified as I realize that I can't live the wat we have been and maybe I am setting us both up for failure by living together right now. I know that I can't expect him to change overnight but I am also desperate to take care of my own mental and physical health. I am wondering if it would be good to live separately for a little while until I have time to live in some peace, therapy and heal myself and he has some time to develop more skills to help himself. He is completely dependent on me for everything and we did try one week apart but that seemed to go well so I let him move back in. He was devastated about moving out for that one week. And his first night home we got in a big fight and then I left to go out of town. I need help. Separation while we work on ourselves or stick it out together hoping desperately things will get better soon.
To separate or not separate. Help! :)
Submitted by Momma1234 on 01/22/2020.
Hi Momma1234
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I can only speak for myself, but I am in a drastically similar situation to yours. If my husband would agree to leave and work on himself for some time (e.g. at least 3-6 months), I would definitely jump at that chance. I have asked him to do so twice and he absolutely will not leave. I can leave, sure, but he wouldn't agree to work on anything. Also, if I leave our family home with our daughter, that's a final decision for me and I will be fighting for full custody as he is unfit to parent on his own. However, I have long felt if my husband would do what you are proposing, it could be a very positive thing for all. I would get the time and space I need to heal, my house would likely be immensely less chaotic, he could have more positive interactions with our daughter, he would learn to be responsible for himself and he would have a true incentive to sustain the effort (he would have to make enough progress for us to consider living together again).
It's amazing that your husband is working on himself, and ideally maybe you'd be there cheering him on with patience. But if you're like me, you have to be honest about your own physical, mental and emotional health right now. That doesn't detract from appreciating his efforts, but I know what it's like to be depleted and to have absolutely nothing left to give. You seem to know you're on your last straw and living together might actually blow up the marriage faster than taking the time apart now. I don't know... just my thoughts based on your post and the similarities in our stories.
Wishing you the best. You are not alone.
Great idea!
Submitted by Dagmar on
The reason moving out is such a great idea is that he does not realize how much he relies on you. Even if he tells you he understands, he does not. (Remember when you had kids of your own and even though you knew pre-kids that raising a kid was hard, you didn't actually KNOW the extent of it until you experienced it. Right now he knows you do a lot for him but he doesn't really KNOW the stress it puts on you.
My husband used to tell me all the time that he understood how much I was taking on, but he didn't really KNOW. He still doesn't. And when you pull back and stop doing as much for him, he's going to be angry. Really angry. You've already seen some of that. To him, you're abandoning him, no matter what you tell him. (I don't know about you, but my husband has an amazing ability to reimagine every interaction so that it's in his favor.) He is also going to make huge mistakes that you'll have to fix (which is why you were doing so much in the first place.)
But if he's not in the house while this is going on, he won't fall back on you as much. If he doesn't pay the internet bill it will only affect him. You won't have to stand there and watch him sit around when you know he's going to be late. He can realize and improve without fighting with you while he does it.
Agreed.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I'm sure my ex husband didn't know how much I did around the house and with our children until after our divorce. He thought I was lazy. He suddenly was faced with having to do the most basic things every other week--things that I normally did. We had split custody, the children were with him every other week. When he started to make more money, he hired a cleaning lady. His Mom came over quite a bit to cook and clean and help with the kids at first. Once our son went off to college and our daughter turned Vegetarian, she took over a lot of the cooking, because her Dad didn't like cooking.
I agree you don't really KNOW until you are in that position.
I'm biased but i say yes-you
Submitted by wwjdidk on
I'm biased but i say yes-you should definitely do this if able. I'm the adhd spouse who's causing the relationship issues and mental health problems with my spouse. I don't know if separation will lead to divorce. I don't know if it will lead to more heartache for both of us possibly further damaging our marriage and family. I don't know if it will lead to growth (by me in particular) and healing that is too little too late. I don't know wht it's like for my spouse or how to be alone. I do know that staying the course WILL NOT WORK. I know we will not get better without a new dynamic. I know i'd rather lose my spouse for their happiness than hang on for the opposite. I think working on our issues is easier and more effective apart. What scares me is losing the relationship because the fog is lifted and my spouse coming to the realization that regardless of whether i improve, it's just not worthwhile to travel back down that road. Fixing what i do should be easy but the battle inside that wages as i think about it is exhausting. adhd is great for dating and horrible for marriage.
Separation
Submitted by anteight on
I'm sorry. I'm the non and I recently left also. It is very painful to hear how much you hurt as I know my h is also. I wish I had some encouragement. I guess that the good news is a fog is lifting and now you can begin becoming the best version of you! It's so painful to part ways I know but focus on you in this time.
god bless and hugs!