Hi everyone.
I haven't been posting much since my initial start with this online forum, nor even been reading much.
I can't stand him. (Him being my ADD husband.) We have made zero progress. I am so fed up. Exhausted.
I just want him to be quiet!!!!!
Actually I'd really like a separation... a long one. But like most women I want him to change during the separation. It's so sad because I feel like our unhappy coexistence could be improved and there are solutions. But he is in a panic about our financial crisis- has been for several months- as the bank is closing his checking acct and he doesn't have the funds to pay his bills. He runs around in a panic- blaming me- trying to find solutions and being difficult to live with. We cannot communicated for even 5 minutes together. We cannot sit down and discuss things together on the couch. And yet, he isn't making progress and how long will it take to pay off $75,000+ debt? We can't even work together as a team.
Every single interaction with him is horrible... except for most (not all) of our conversations about the cute things our twin 2-year-olds do.
Just because I haven't been posting online... doesn't mean all is rosy. Just the opposite.
Anyone know how to get a separation started? Been there? Tips?
Can I just get a restraining order because he won't shut up?
I've got to nap. I need the escape.
Debbie
HEAVEN HELP ME
In my state and county, the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
In my state and county, the clerk of court's office has many family law documents online. The website explains the difference between separations and divorces and explains how to file for them. The documents can be filled in online and then printed. Service on your spouse is required. In my state, this means that I would have to hire someone to give a copy of the separation (or divorce) papers to my husband. I would have to pay a filing fee at the clerk of court's office. In my state, it's approximately $180. It is probably possible for you to do this without hiring a lawyer. In my state, the online information and documents are intended for use by individuals who do not hire lawyers, but I'd advise at least talking to a lawyer if possible. If money is a problem, do you have any friends or acquaintances who are lawyers and would be willing to give you a little info for free?
Good luck. As you can probably tell, I've explored filing for a separation, too! I'm a lawyer and my advice about consulting a lawyer is not intended to give business to my comrades; instead, I recommend it because I know how complicated the law can be and how easy it can be to screw things up.
Rosered's got good advice...
Submitted by Pbartender on
Do some reading and research on it... the rules and laws vary from state to state. A quick web search should find all sorts of information, advice and legal forms on your county and state's websites.
In an effort to prepare myself for the worst, I've been doing a little poking around this subject as well.
DISCLAIMER: My information is based solely on my personal research, and is only intended to point you in the right direction. I am NOT a lawyer. Before you do ANYTHING, talk to one, at least. If you have financial difficulties, there are programs that can help cover the necessary expenses. Look for them. I might not live in your state, and the laws for separation and divorce in your state may differ.
In my state, there's a difference between "separation" and "legal separation". Look them up where you live. Where I live, "separation" is simply living apart. So, for example, for the last five months, my wife has been living in her own bedroom and we have not had sexual relations of any sort. In my state that is enough to constitute "separation" with regards to "irreconcilable differences" as a grounds for divorce. In my case, we'd have to live this way for two years, before we can use it as an excuse to get divorced, or six months, if we both sign a waiver.
"Legal separation", on the other hand, is a very different thing. In my state, the only difference between a legal separation and a divorce is this: with a divorce, you're divorced and you can remarry if you want; with a legal separation, you're still married to the same spouse. Here, legal separations are hard to come by, and normally used as a half-way point during exceptionally long divorce cases that with drag on past a critical financial deadline. Strategically, it allows property, possessions and finances to be divided early and before the divorce case is finalized.
"Anyone know how to get a separation started? Been there? Tips?"
So, in your case, the simple answer is to just move out and find your own place to live separate from him. If you are intent on eventual reconciliation, try to set some ground rules for the duration of the separation, therapy for one or both of you, how much and what type of contact you will tolerate, who gets to keep and use what stuff, whether or not you are allowed to date others or each other, kids, what you each be able to tell friends, family and co-workers about the situation, and so on...
Good Luck.
Pb.
maybe a little insight
Submitted by jt71509 on
Hi, My wife and I separated over a year ago and recently got back together...
In our case, it was the best thing we ever did, having a child together. The good thing about a separation is if the person means that much, it will sincerely bother you. This is good because, one will start going through normal breakup stages, BUT you will also eventually start gaining some self awareness. For myself, I had to dig deep. Being a man, I couldn't see those little things that I had and hadn't done to contribute to the problem. Make no mistake, I'm convinced when a relationship reaches this point, its a combination of both faults. The biggest problem here is and will more than likely always be communication. This means being absolutely honest and open alllll the time. We didnt do this and when we had a problem and talked about it. we'd make a resolution usually just to shut the other up so we didnt have to hear each other talk. I was verbally abusive, as was she. We talked down to each other..and for both of us..struggled with having a family and responsibilities and understanding that selfishness had to go. Example; going out with friends, babysitters for concerts, frivelous spending, and so on. Anyways, long story short, after all the misery and debauchery and petty selfishness, and lack of communication. I left and took my son. It was particularly hard on me to accept this and move on. Eventually after 5 years together, 3 of which we were married...It was indeed, over. Eventually, I was able to move on. Not to say I didnt think about her, but wasn't concerned with our life together anymore. Things eventually became better for me, professionally. Didn't really care for a relationship or women in general for a while, but the one thing I can say that I learned from that experience which was huge for me was the little things I had done to contribute to metaphorical fire. I put myself through anger management and got myself treatment for my ADHD and other psych problems and felt alot better. She eventually dropped her act and decided to become a part of her child's life.(which was most important.) Started taking her personal responsibilities more seriously and gained some self control and got some positive things in her life. She had also been dating a guy for most of our separation. Anyways, after almost no contact, other than our exchange of our child one day a week, I decided to ask her out for her birthday. outta the blue..She was still with this guy so I said no I'm not doing that, but let me know when hes not in the picture. A couple of weeks later she texted me and told me she never stopped having feelings for me and that she wanted to talk and that her "boyfriend" was gone for good. Knowing her past I found this hard to believe, but entertained it anyway. That night we went out for drinks and layed it all out on the table. Quite literally, it was the most constructively criticizing, eye-opening, honest, and absolutely the longest conversation we had in the entire 5 years we were together. We both made "demands" or stipulations for even attempting to SEE if getting back together was an option. LOTS of stipulations..Some were discarded, others were extremely reasonable requests, but the 3 most important things we laid out were being HONEST, TALKING OPENLY ALLL THE TIME(not every moment of the day), and WORKING TOGETHER(putting other things aside for what's important and supporting each other, selflessly.). None of this was easy in fact of all those things, surprisingly, the hardest thing to conquer was me being able to trust her again. It took almost 5 months of very stressful, doubtful, and sometimes meaningless effort..But somehow, it just clicked one day. I had to let go and in order to try i had to just start trusting her wether I was comfortable or not with it..BECAUSE, I love her and I wanted it to work. After I talked to her about that, about a week later we decided to get back together..We decided to treat it very carefully..we dont live together..My son still lives with me. We just see each other more and hang out as a family a ton more. which is good for him. To give you an idea of time frame here...we've been back together since september 22, 2012...no it hasnt been long..but what it has been is "educational" We are a lot happier with our individual lives and our lives together. We're alot more open and more considerate..We're not destructive or toxic to each other. and trust me when I say toxic..we took that to a whooooole new level, not physically, but it was absolutely horrible and emberassing looking back. But the good part is doing this is only being successful thus far because of the stipulations and things we set in place to CHANGE. We move at a much slower pace as its more important to know that our emotional relationship with each other is worth the second go for the long haul, rather than hooking up or just neglecting problems.
In order to do this..both parties have to want it..Its not easy, by any means. And sometimes a divorce is for the best, but if its important to you both, it can work...You just have to Make it work. Make the sacrifices together and medical decisions if a behavioral problem is in the mix. I'm not going to divulge details, but if I can forgive my wife for her Past discretions as well as she to mine. I have complete faith that anyone else can. it was pretty brutal. You have to know that you want it. The best way to do that sometimes is to let go and work on yourself. fix your own problems and allow counterpart to do the same. If it can work after all the HONEST changes that have been made...assuming they have, actually changed. Give it a try. this isn't for everyone, but if saving your marriage is important to you, then I hope you can find hope in this.......if not...
I dont know your state laws you'll have to research but I know where I live you have to LEGALLY be separated for a year before you can divorce. Some states dont require this, but you should still look it up. In our case, the day we stopped living together became the day we separated. you can do this without documents and have others vouch or sign a document confirming its validity. I'm not sure but i think that works, still. The trick is, if you sleep together and your state requires that you be separated for a year..not only do you need a court document for the separation, but its automatically void if you sleep together, during that time..Also, a reason we haven't slept together since we picked back up. If you do get back together and decide its not gonna work after youve given a sincere chance. If you've moved too fast and done this you void the separation and start the process all over again..
Lastly, I wanna say that if you and your partner are willing..seeing a Psychiatrist that deals with adult add/ADHD together is EXTREMELY helpful in coping and understanding. By the book THE ADHD AFFECTS ON MARRIAGE if you havent already..a great book. EYE-OPENING to reality of marriage and its problems. Also maybe consider Marriage Counseling, but only if you're both willing. They can help you put into perspective either what the problems are, how to go about change, or wether it could be time to call it quits.
I apologize for the rambling here and multiple spelling mistakes. I hope this is helpful in some way.
Good Luck!!
quiet would be great!
Submitted by lynninny on
I am looking at your post today and recognizing something...
I hope that all is going as well as possible for you, first of all.
Your post mentioning some peace made me think. I wonder how many people experience this and how they navigate it? My husband's ADHD seems to cycle between being withdrawn, seemingly out of it, and not being able to start or get going or do things (it can take him until 4 in the afternoon to be "ready" enough to get in the car and run an errand, even if he woke up at 10. I am not exaggerating)-- to being high energy, with nonstop activity and talking, which must be the "H" part of ADHD. I deal with the "low" part of it by just taking care of things I need to and leaving without him if I have to. The "H" part is tougher for me, and includes possibly a) him following me around the house, even when I close the door behind me to change clothes or read a book--he will pursue me to keep talking to me about something and is hurt when I don't want to listen. b) Waking me up from a sound sleep at night or a nap with activity like banging pots and pans and listening to a movie at a loud volume because he is very active at that time. He can't remember from time to time that I am a light sleeper, and his rhythms frequently have him up late and making noise, and he does not "know" each time that he is being too loud and waking me up. Even if I ask up front: "Hey, I am going to go to bed. I have had trouble sleeping and I am really tired. Can you try to be extra quiet tonight if you are up?" Once after I asked this, he decided to disassemble part of a machine he was working on, hammering away, and banged in and out the front door at 2 a.m. and was incensed right back when I was PISSED that he was being loud and woke me up. Which started a huge fight, because I had just talked to him about being loud, and couldn't believe that he didn't realize that being loud at 2 a.m. would, indeed, wake me up. c) Asking me to help him with something or look at something right that second, even when I explain that I am tied up, or concentrating on something, or resting, or ask if it can wait because I am helping our child with homework. I have hurt his feelings numerous times and been made to feel awful in this situation because he in his eyes, I am not interested, do not want to help him, do not care about his interests, or don't want to spend time with him. Frankly, it has gotten to the point that I avoid him a good deal of the time because the high energy part is exhausting to be around. He also can't pick up on the idea that I need some quiet and down time and becomes really hurt or mad when I won't stop and give him my undivided attention right that second. And then I get mad that he does not seem to care that I don't want to be torn between helping our child with homework and hearing about the amazing thing he learned on the Science Channel that afternoon.
OK, I am done for today. Any thoughts are welcome. And Debbie, I hope you got to take your nap.
response to lynninny
Submitted by jt71509 on
I know exactly what youre going through. My wife and I used to go through this..Im bad with ADHD, which isnt excuseable, but heres and idea. Im a night owl. I get motivated later on and have a hard time getting going early. In the past I would slack off and not help take care of important things and often leave her with the responsibilities, which I'm sorry to say, was a horrible thing for me to do. Often times the ADHD person does not see this. Their focus is somewhat obsessive, even if its not productive, so like, watching, movies, neglecting other responsibilities. In some ways the ADHD person has to take control and do things that are necesarry, but With this problem comes a struggle. I know all about his feeling of not feeling like you care. I felt the same way. Its an insecurity. We as ADHD people, are impatient, needy and detached at the same time. When it comes to someone we love, if we dont get that attention when we THINK we need it. we translate it as an inadequacy within ourselves and immediately think our other half is disinterested in us or needs to seek attention else where. It's an obsessive and unhealthy trait and I'm well aware now. This is when its important to sit down and talk to each other honestly and openly about your feelings. It would also be a good time to suggest maybe seeking out a therapist in your area for your partners treatment in adult adhd. This made a phenomenal impact on my life in everyway and its a great way to not only understand exactly what things affect adhd but also all of the things about it that make one do or act or feel the way one might feel. It might take a little looking, but if you can find a doctor that takes the time to get you to understand the "disease", as i call it. Youve found a good doctor. the medication, if needed, might take a couple of appointments, and even after could take some playing around with to get it right, but when your partner finds something that works. I can almost guarantee you'll notice a good difference. Take note though, that medication is only part of the treatment. He will have to also put his best foot forward and make the necessary changes to get his life in order and his relationship with you. If you dont own the book this website takes after. I suggest it. Also, you yourself might not be ADHD, but endure the struggle of dealing with someone who is. It might help after your partner is treated and comfortable for you both to go to a few appointments, so that you can express any comments on his progress and especially your concerns and struggles to the doctor. This can help you not only have a better understanding, but it might also help you both understand each others' issues and acquire the tools you need to work through it. I wish you nothing but luck and sincerely hope that the two of you are able to work through this and build a stronger, closer, and more healthy relationship together. With love and devotion, anything is possible.
jt