Hello. This is my first time posting though I have been reading for a while. I have been engaged to a diagnosed ADHD man for 18 months and we are just under two months from the wedding date. We have been together for a total of 6 years and have lived together for the last year.
We had a fantastic relationship for the first 4.5 years or so. We had fun together, we talked about everything, we had similar interests but outside ones as well. I have a new job in a city about an hour and a half away from the areas we had lived before (separately), I bought a house in my name and he has been living with me.
Now the problems: In the past year, things have been BAD. He constantly critisizes me. Sometimes in a big long discussions where everything turns out to be my fault (really?). How I don't help him and and am not meeting his emotional needs. How I don't support him. How I keep changing my mind. How I complain to him about money and that is all I think about. How I don't want to have fun anymore and I just want to live like a 60 year old couple instead of mid twenties. I always end up crying, and then he says I am just trying to make him feel guilty.
I am overwhelmed. This new house has many new responsibilities that I have never dealt with before. I ask for help, but he isn't listening. I would LOVE to have fun, but he is constantly running off with friends to go kayaking and the to do list just keeps piling up. He wants intimacy and conversation but I don't have any energy of sympathy for either right now. He was motivated to work before, but since I have a better job now he is staying home all the time, and being fine with calling off work. He hasn't contributed to any household bills or paid any rent in the year we have lived here and I am frequently paying his truck payment and cigarrettes as well. I have been neglectful of him. I get very caught up in the tasks that I complete each day (most of which are for him) but I forget that he himself actually needs my attention too. I enable this behavior in him I know and I am a poor communicator of my needs in the last year or two as I feel that he could blow up at any minute. (Have I mentioned the ADHD anger?).
Here's the final thing that might be the nail in this coffin. He has a very close "friendship" with another one of his friends girlfriends. He lived with his friend for a couple months while we were closing on the house and he and this other woman got close. His friend lived with his girlfriend and their baby.They are very similar and share interests. He has admitted to me in the last month that he is attracted to her and she to him, but they have talked about it and decided they wanted to stay with their current SOs. Despite this, they are on Snapchat constantly, and call on the phone for hours (while away from me and her boyfriend. I have always read the phone bills religiously due to trumped up charges in the past). He has always been a night owl but now waits for me to go to bed and then calls her or she calls him at 11:30 or midnight for an hour(!) almost every night. He runs off to spend the night at his friends house every chance he can it seems like. His friend though, is working out of state right now, so it is my fiance, the girl and her baby alone. We hang out with his friend and the girlfriend almost EVERY weekend. Between them and family, we literally have not had a DAY alone for months. I have continually asked if we could do something just to two of us to start reconnecting. It is like I shot his dog. He would rather hang out with his friends (with me though too). Do I think he has PHYSICALLY cheated on me? No. Is this an EMOTIONAL affair though? Yes.
I feel like I am failing. I have enabled this behavior and stopped treating him like a man, more like just another task. I have stopped trying to communicate with him ( with the exception of the past few weeks). I am NOT blameless. I have never been that interested in sex, but he always had a high drive. I try, but I am so exhausted emotionally and physically at the end of the day that even though we do have sex, I am not as enthusiastic as he feels I should be at the end of the day.
I am seriously considering breaking this off or at least postponing the wedding. Please give any advise. Will this get better with conseling and conversation? Are emotional affairs commen for ADHD? I LOVE him. But I am unsure about spending my life with him anymore.
You already know the wise and best answer to your question....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
In the past year, things have been BAD. He constantly criticizes me. Sometimes in a big long discussions where everything turns out to be my fault (really?). How I don't help him and and am not meeting his emotional needs. How I don't support him. How I keep changing my mind. How I complain to him about money and that is all I think about
He hasn't contributed to any household bills or paid any rent in the year we have lived here and I am frequently paying his truck payment and cigarettes as well.
He has admitted to me in the last month that he is attracted to her and she to him, but they have talked about it and decided they wanted to stay with their current SOs. Despite this, they are on Snapchat constantly, and call on the phone for hours (while away from me and her boyfriend.
>>>>
I think you already know the wise and best answer to your question.
I can tell you this....it won't get better, it will get worse. Those early years were not the "real him". You are now seeing the real him...and it will get worse.
He will continue to blame you for everything. Everything will be your fault. Again, these things get worse, not better.
Your fiancé's accusations that you're preoccupied with money is his "cover" for knowing that he's been mooching off of you....and that will continue and get worse.
That "friendship" he's got going is an "emotional affair." All it will take is a time when both couples are having troubles and both will cheat. Yes, they will cheat. That's all it will take....both being annoyed at their partners at the same time, and they will seek comfort with each other.
Mentally step away from this situation and re-read what I've copy/pasted above, but pretend the words are another woman's. What would you advise? What would you think?
Now, that you know what you need to do, you need to come up with a sound exit plan. If you suspect that he'll become very angry when he's told the relationship is over and that he has to move out, then first remove any obvious valuables that he might be tempted to throw/break in anger while he gathers his stuff and leaves.
You might even prepare a bit by making sure his stuff is not "all over the place" so that he can more quickly get his stuff and leave.
Good luck. You deserve better. Once this relationship is over and you've moved onto a healthy relationship, you will be so relieved that you did this.
I Would Postpone Your Wedding
Submitted by kellyj on
Just from reading what you said.....my take on it is that the two of you have got completely different priorities and from the sound of it....you're finesse has made it pretty clear where his priorities are. Some of the things you mentioned sound like they are related to ADHD but not the parts that involve behaving like a person who appears not to want to be in a partnership and just have someone else do the parts that don't appeal to him. It sounds to me like he wants to stay exactly where he is (and do only what he wants to do).....and is more concerned about his emotional needs that he is about real life concerns like paying the bills and contributing and doing his part in a relationship with two people in it.
I think you have legitimate concerns and I think this might be a foreshadowing of things to come. I would trust your feelings and do exactly what they are telling you to do. Postpone the wedding until you get these things straightened out...if and when that happens.
What are you getting?
Submitted by on the edge on
What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you feel loved and cherished? Does he do little things for you for no reason?
You are not failing. Yes, you have enabled him (and I know I did that for years). Your options are to continue that behavior or set boundaries. Unless the truck is in your name, you don't need to make the payments. Does he have a job? It's fine if he isn't working but still contributing in other ways. But it sounds like he's acting like your child and that isn't going to change.
Yes, it is an emotional affair and it's incredibly hurtful. My stbx carried on a friendship like that for almost ten years. It was always platonic but he talked to her about things that he should have been talking to me about. He texted her pictures of his food when we went out to dinner for our anniversary. I felt like there was an invisible third person hanging around us all the time.
If you're hurting from this behavior now, imagine what it will be like in twenty-five years, except then you may have kids. You'll realize it's not a partnership. You'll end up doing all the responsible adult things while he does all the fun things. My stbx said that one of the reasons he married me was because I was responsible. That's what I brought to the marriage while he said he brought spontaneity and fun. I think that both partners should be responsible and spontaneous.
I was also less interested in sex than he was. It's difficult to get enthused when I spent the day working and doing dishes and all the other household tasks and was not appreciated for any of it while he spent the day doing whatever he wanted.
I would seriously consider at least postponing the wedding and go to counseling, either together or on your own. I'm giving you my viewpoint after being married for someone with ADD (and most likely a personality disorder) for twenty-five years. A therapist can give you a more objective opinion on your situation.
Good luck!
Thank you for your comments
Submitted by Unsureandnervouse on
I appreciate all that you are saying. I am very greatful for other viewpoints. I have not spoken of any of this to friends of family as I have always firmly believed that I would not want to hurt my significant other's reputation in their eyes.
I wrote this post in a fit of desperation. I am still so unsure, but on the flipside, the idea of being without him makes me physically sick, even though continuing on just like now also does so.
We have been having quite a few incredibly emotional conversations over the last month with all these hurts. They mostly end up with him feeling that I don't involve him in my life much or have meaningful conversations with him (and he is probably right with this, I have not been), and me ending with telling him that his constant frustration and not wanting to talk things out over the last few years doesn't inspire me to even have topics to talk about.
I am making an appointment for myself to see a counselor today. I fully believe that I have either some kind of anxiety disorder or possibly even ADD myself. I had problems long before him, so even though it is worse, it is not just him
I am just not clear, we spent last night and yesterday night together alone, cleaning the house and listening to music. He brought me sunflowers. He says he loves me, but I know he is hurting. I am in the same boat. I just always feel that if we could get back to how things were before, then we could move forward. If I postpone the wedding with the intention of continuing the relationship, I am just not sure how we could recover.
Is there any hope?
Is there any hope?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Is there any hope?
I would say, "no," but I don't think you'd believe me.....so I'll tell you this: While you're "hoping" and trying to determine if he can truly LONG TERM change (6+ months), do not marry him.
edited to add: When I wrote 6+ months of LONG TERM change, I mean: no tantrums, no name-calling, no wrongful blaming, and contributing his half of household expenses plus paying for his OWN bills (car payments, etc)
2 months isn't long enough, 3 months isn't either. At this point, he'd need to show that he can go 6 months behaving well.
Hi....Unsureandnervouse.
Submitted by c ur self on
Now the problems: In the past year, things have been BAD. He constantly criticizes me. Sometimes in a big long discussions where everything turns out to be my fault (really?). How I don't help him and and am not meeting his emotional needs. How I don't support him. How I keep changing my mind. How I complain to him about money and that is all I think about. How I don't want to have fun anymore and I just want to live like a 60 year old couple instead of mid twenties. I always end up crying, and then he says I am just trying to make him feel guilty.
I am overwhelmed. This new house has many new responsibilities that I have never dealt with before. I ask for help, but he isn't listening. I would LOVE to have fun, but he is constantly running off with friends to go kayaking and the to do list just keeps piling up. He wants intimacy and conversation but I don't have any energy of sympathy for either right now. He was motivated to work before, but since I have a better job now he is staying home all the time, and being fine with calling off work. He hasn't contributed to any household bills or paid any rent in the year we have lived here and I am frequently paying his truck payment and cigarrettes as well. I have been neglectful of him.
I suggest you re-read this part of your post....What you have described isn't a responsible man who prioritizes his life well. What you've described is a User...A person who will always Use you. Then overpower you with anger and unstable emotions if you question his poor choices....
A man who doesn't work shouldn't eat!
You have some really good advice concerning what others have experienced in their lives w/ unstable spouses...You would be wise to heed it before you marry someone who is so unstable....You also need to be very open with the counselor, because it sounds life you have allowed this unhealthy relationship to rob you of your peace.
A few things from a 45 year
Submitted by dvance on
A few things from a 45 year old mom of 2 teens, married to an ADHD man. First: it will not get better. It will at the very least stay the same, but more likely get worse. Second: make the house payments, utilities, etc., so you have a nice place to live but STOP making his truck payment, paying for his cigarettes, etc. Does he not have a job? If not, why not? If so, why can't he make those payments himself??? Before you marry him, he has to prove he can be financially responsible. Truthfully, that's probably not realistic for him. Third: the girl?? That will get worse. In the past three years there have been three separate women my husband has crossed the line with--that I know of. Think about it: you are the shrew that he lives with, that is disappointed in him. She sees his best self, only what he wants her to see AND she does not have to live with his temper. Seriously--what's to love about him? Generally people build a life together based on shared values/religion/beliefs, hobbies in common, a certain type of work, the kind of family they want, friendship, sense of humor, shared commitment to building a life together--things like that. What of those do you actually share? I think about that all the time--DH and I don't have all tha much in common any longer. In 20 years, I have acquired a master's degree and some post grad, was promoted to Assistant Principal after only three years in my current school, was invited to serve on a board of a local interfaith council, things like that. DH has been in the same type of job the entire time. He has moved up, but there has been no new schooling, no new goals and he has been unemployed maybe five times in those 20 years. I go to theater and opera with my girlfriends, he prefers to stay home. I have one "fancy friend" that I go to dinner with every two weeks (we call ourselves foodies!!!), DH prefers to stay home. I love my church community and it's really important to me that I go as often as I can. DH could take it or leave it. He has no friends. He mostly likes to sit on the couch and watch TV when he's not working. I am so bored right now I could just cry. That's why I make all my fun plans with other people. Everything that makes me happy, I do with someone who is NOT him. It's lonely and sad.
My advice: kick him out ASAP and don't look back. There is nothing to love or more importantly RESPECT about a guy who can't pay his own bills and picks fights and carries on with another woman. Real men don't act like that--they have more self respect than that.
This is so true: "My advice:
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
This is so true: "My advice: kick him out ASAP and don't look back. There is nothing to love or more importantly RESPECT about a guy who can't pay his own bills and picks fights and carries on with another woman. Real men don't act like that--they have more self respect than that."
Real men do not act like that. I know. I don't feel like I'm married to a real man because of drama, however, at least he's always provided a high six-figure salary, even in retirement (thank goodness!)
A friend and I were talking today about just this thing. When we were growing up, we didn't know any "couples" where the men didn't work full time and earn a "family salary". Maybe in those days, women kicked the couch potatoes to the curb? Maybe in those days, women never formed relationships with men who couldn't be providers? (very likely!) Or maybe men who didn't support their families would receive such grief from society that they would just abandon their families and pretend to be single. I don't know.
Something has changed. Now, we have too many women working full time, being the primary care-takers of the children, and managing the households....while we have too many grown and able-bodied men either working irregularly or not at all playing video games or watching TV.....and women are putting up with this even before they marry!
Believe me, if my H had exhibited even a quarter of his symptoms prior to marriage, I would never have married him. I know that because I dumped many guys for far lesser behaviors. His frequent work-outs and golfing "hid" most of his symptoms along with the high he was getting from the excitement of a great job with lots of perks. 20 years later, he began drinking when his work-outs and golf were curtailed from hip-replacement surgery, his job became more stagnate, and then all @#$% broke loose. His symptoms weren't minimized by exercise, and booze worsened everything.
The Narrow Window - Prothetics = Anxiety and Stress
Submitted by kellyj on
And anxiety + stress = increased and exacerbated ADHD symptoms and depression. Without awareness of these facts and knowing yourself and paying attention to this....self medicating (instead of bona fide medication for these symptoms) leads to (=) alcohol or other drug alternatives and addictions which are less effective in the long run or sometimes worse. I've been reading a lot about alternative medications lately and have tried different ones myself over the years (before being diagnosed and knowing any better)
side note; Marijuana is one that I use to use (back in the day....a child of the 60's and high school in the early to mid 70's. You've seen "That 70's Show" or movies like "Dazed and Confused" ? Not so far from the reality I grew up with. lol ) With it becoming legal to grow and posses now where I live....a flood of information and availability has recently surfaced that indicates there are some real possible legitimate medical uses for it in connection to ADHD. I'm saying this with some major doubts in a very conservative stance on this s based on my past experience but, I do know a couple of people who swear by it who have ADHD. What I have read so far is that it really does nothing for the dopamine aspect in the brain (both good and bad as being far less addictive but yet less directly effective) but as a relief for anxiety, stress and depression.....I can see it's use on a limited basis being a better alternative to alcohol without question. Between the two....or even the lessor of two evils if you will......alcohol is the worst alternative there is in my mind and has little to no benefit on all levels in comparison.
I guess what I am proposing to anyone here, is that without the illegality or stigma involved.......I can see some positives if used correctly in the proper doses a means to alleviate symptoms of anxiety and stress. For myself personally.....I don't like the other side effects that go along with it but I am thinking about revisiting it again under a different criteria to see what I think about it on a limited basis for that purpose only. I don't have chronic stress or anxiety issues but....when I do experience times of increased anxiety I also see my ADHD symptoms ramp up significantly. I tried anti-depressants before and I didn't like them at all (they did little of nothing and no perceived real benefit) so an alternative under times of stress to manage and keep the level down could be a real advantage if done on a limited basis.
I'm saying this here since I just discovered (now that it is legal for everyone) a facility that provides a full array on medicinal marijuana right down the street and it's been something that I have thought about recently as means to try. Feels kind of strange to say this but what the hell.....it's legal now! I'll update you with the results if I follow through with my thoughts after trying this. Other than that, I have never had any real opposition to it either way (I just grew out of it......pun intended) But I can also see the down sides too.....compared to alcohol however, in my mind .....the choice is clear.
People with ADHD need prosthetics. They can be either beneficial or a detriment but they are needed none the less. Management and awareness are the two main ingredients for them to be successful or not. From what you just wrote...I see this very clearly. Prosthetics shouldn't be looked down upon or dismissed as all negative and I think that many times they are seen that way. It's choosing the wrong ones and how they are applied that is the real problem.
Done well and correctly......you can keep yourself "in the zone" or the narrow window we have to work with I think. Staying there is the trick but I think this all can be done if a person makes the effort and doesn't default to trying to do this alone without help. That's the biggest mistake I see in how your H is trying to overcome these facts OW.
J
I Just Looked Up
Submitted by kellyj on
More info on the medical marijuana seller in my neighborhood, they provide deliveries to your front door. Never in my lifetime....!! LOL
Just a funny and somehow very strange discovery. Nothing more to add. lol
J
J,
Submitted by Unsureandnervouse on
The Friend That I Know
Submitted by kellyj on
who has ADHD and uses marijuana regularly to fight against anxiety, says it keeps in normal. I have to agree with this after spending time around him. He appears quite normal after smoking it and I can tell a difference in him myself. He was one of the original Rhitilin kids from the early 60's and I don't think in his case it was a good thing. He was way too young and they didn't know all they needed to know back then. I suspect that the pot helps his nerves on daily basis....a bit fried I think from being medicated too early in life. But as long I have known him (for many years)...he's a pretty calm and collected guy. He's an investment banker and is pretty sharp upstairs if you know what I mean. Little do they know (I suspect) that despite his suit and tie, he comes to work everyday after smoking a joint in his car on the way to work, lol He makes a good living and appears to be quite good at his job....he's a wiz with numbers and figures. He smokes too by the way.
Me on the other hand cannot do this. Pot dumbs me up and I don't like that aspect about it. I can see using it again in the evening as a means to relax and reduce stress but don't ask me to be social.....I feel kind of tardo and antisocial (introverted, withdrawn and introspective) when I use it but it does really help with the creative aspect at times especially when I am playing or performing musically. No big surprise there of course.....this has been reported as long as anyone can remember.
In contrast...the Adderall does just the opposite and I feel no need for anything else at this point however.....the Adderall does nothing to help reduce anxiety in fact....that's the thing that I have to really watch out for in taking it. It's very easy to push yourself past the point of when you really should relax and get some needed rest. I don't have trouble sleeping but I think there is an aspect to anything like this that can use up what you have naturally and not realize just where that line begins and ends. I don't like the idea of using uppers and downers alternatively (reminds me too much of Elvis, yikes!) sleeping pills ,Ambian, sedatives or pills in general. That's why marijuana sounds like a better alternative.
I did read one caveat to this and something that you might consider here. It said that dosage was extremely important along with amount and longevity. Saying that long term consistent use and too much can easily negate any positive benefits. At this point, your just getting stoned or using it like anyone would for that reason alone. It might feel good at the time in some ways but there will also be some negative cost to pay against that benefit. It's the main reason I stopped years ago...the cost outweighed the benefits and you might consider that as being part of the reason he is having trouble connecting. For me....it really does interfere with this part of being social and connecting with other people after I smoke it. It's the number one reason for me not too but.....as needed on a limited basis especially on evenings when I am stressed out but want to connect with my wife and do things like play backgammon or watch a movie together.....those are things that I can doing just fine and still being present enough to interact. Thinking, if I am stressed out anyway.....it should improve the situation better and not make it any worse.
Back in the day.....it was referred to as an "attitude adjustment" (showing my age ) I think the same holds true even today no matter what phrase you choose to use but I still don't think that is all you are having to deal with either but it could be just one aspect of it thinking about myself and what I was like when I use to smoke it more often. I really stopped doing this by the time I was in my mid to late 20's unlike my friend I mentioned but I do think it can be very different from one person to the next.
I do remember one thing however (thinking about what you said) ..I definitely talked less when I smoked pot. At times, I can see where some of my friends probably saw that as a positive at times. lol That would coincide with not being social and connecting with you as another confirming point?
Leave
Submitted by Jacp84 on
Seriously. Get. Out. Now.
Unless you would choose to be heartbroken and miserable for the rest of your life.
I have been in a relationship with my severely ADHD husband for 9 years, married for 4. It just gets worse. And he is medicated, so that does little.
I have stopped the wedding...but now what?
Submitted by Unsureandnervouse on
Hello,
Thank you everyone for your replies. I told him I do not want to get married last week. He is incredibly hurt. We have had many talks since then about what I need from him and so on. I laid into him (still in a calm voice, though firm) about the other girl. I have finally talked about my relationship (though not everything) with my best friend as I was always hiding it and covering up before. I didn't want anyone to have a bad opinion of him, but it seems like I was doing more concealing than ever openly celebrating.
I am in counseling for my anxiety and fogginess at work. The counselor now believes that I have ADD (what?). I have never had a problem with focusing before him. I had problems with procrastinating, but doesn't every person in college have that sometimes? I think it is related to the fact that I am so stressed out and DEPRESSED that I can't focus.
My fiance and I are now "trying" he is being very supportive of my counseling, though he won't go to anyone on his own. He is hinting around wanting to pay for some of his stuff, or at least hasn't asked me for money for his broken truck yet. We have talked about how we are not sure that there was ever any passion in the relationship, that what we have in common might not be enough, that we want different things in life, etc. I keep thinking we are going to break up, then somehow we end up with the solution to keep "trying." He keeps cleaning the house, does not ask me for things, seems almost walking on eggshells around me now and is very clingy. He is also still talking to the girl (though not as much), and while he seems to be working a couple more hours at work, he has not been able to help with any of the bills and has not pursued any of the jobs that his friends have been trying to hand to him on a platter where he would be making significantly more money and have much better career prospects. I suspect he knows that this would be a real job where he would need to be accountable instead of like at his current job where he works for his uncle and gets away with things that no one should be able to.
Is this progress? Or just him scared and being on his best behavior? He said in one of our talks that he feels I pushed him into asking to marry me, kept him from moving back up north (he is from the north of the state even though he moved down here about a year before we met) and pushed him into applying for college (even though he was telling me every 30 minutes he needed my help signing up for college before that and which he didn't finish anyway). He has told me that he NEEDS to be out with his friends all the time because he needs the attention to feel good. That he is uncomfortable and depressed when he is not out with them.
I want a husband or at least a partner who is capable of at least occasionally being a leader in our relationship. One who I can rely on to get things done and pay bills he said he would. One who I know could support us if I was unemployed for a month or two unexpectedly (as that is ALWAYS a concern when you live in Michigan unfortunately). One who has the same debt free financial goals I do and is willing to give up a little now to get a lot later. One who WANTS to take care of me too, and not just in a financial way, but in respecting me and occasionally wanting to go out with me and do the things I want to do too.
Is this something he is even capable of?
Sorry, I missed your response...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
How are things going?
<<< He keeps cleaning the house, does not ask me for things, seems almost walking on eggshells around me now and is very clingy.
He is also still talking to the girl (though not as much), and while he seems to be working a couple more hours at work, he has not been able to help with any of the bills and has not pursued any of the jobs that his friends have been trying to hand to him on a platter where he would be making significantly more money and have much better career prospects.
I suspect he knows that this would be a real job where he would need to be accountable instead of like at his current job where he works for his uncle and gets away with things that no one should be able to.>>>>
Is this still going on? He's just trying to "be good" so you won't kick his ass to the curb. But, the good behavior won't last long, and may have already ceased.
He needs to have a real job, and do very well with it for at least 6 months...no fake sick, no going in late, no being a less than great worker. He needs to fairly contribute to the household, w/o complaints. He needs to pay for his OWN car and start saving money for his future, retirement, etc.