I stumbled upon this website tonight as I sat here googling the same words over (ADD no sex mostly) and over trying to find a connection to someone or something that I could grab onto...my heart is heavy tonight and I'm at a loss at what to do. So far I'm overwhelmed with relief I've found these forums...you all are articulate, loving, and intelligent people and I'm grateful at how you've extended yourself to others. I hope I can be yet another lucky recipient of some words of inspiration, experience, and hope.
I met "Jacob" 9 mos ago. We met under the pretense of landlord/tenant: he needed to rent a room out, I needed a place to live. Within 2 weeks we knew we had met someone special. I moved from a separate room to sharing his bed with him within a month, and in that time we had mindblowing sex...the best of my life. Let me quantify that: we had sex ONCE in that month.
9 mos later...wow. We're in love. We want to spend the rest of our lives together. There's a 12 yr age difference (I'm 36, he's 48..divorced with no kids...me no previous marriages or kids) and he has ADD. We've had sex maybe 5 times total. When we met, I was 80 lbs overweight and he told me as much as he knew it wasn't cool to say, that he had to be honest and say that me being skinny was the only thing that was going to turn him on to have that sex we had when we met. (When I asked why the sex was so hot the first time while I was so much heavier, he gave what I now coin an ADD-ism "it was new/exciting...a distraction ...etc).Ladies...before you freak on my behalf...;)...at the time, I was more than willing to accept his point of view as acceptable...he was not unkind nor did he say it was an ultimatum. He's fallen for ME since his initial commentary on my bod, but we have agreed that being in love and not sexually attracted is a BIG PROBLEM...that we are in fact relegated to that of friends..or ironically, roommates as on the terms of how we initially met. And at the time, I was on a medically supervised weight loss program that was very successful...I have lost over 100 lbs in a year, and have about 20 lbs to go. So I thought I'd feel like a hippocrit if I got angry for him saying what he really felt...I didn't like ME being fat, so how could I be mad that he didn't like it?) Jacob loves me because of my strength of commitment to myself in becoming healthy again (my weight gain primarily related to illness in years prior, but being 5'2" and pushing 270 lbs was unique...I had never been more than 30 lbs overweight my whole life) and seeing me succeed was a huge turn on for him.
Just not enough of a turn on. I've gotten close to breaking thru that last 20 for 5 months now, and I feel myself stopping short of going all the way. My own insecurities and cross to bear of course...but I think a lot of it has to do with me knowing now something I didn't know then about his ADD: that whole "instant gratification" thing...that whole "needs something shiny (or in this case uber-sexy)" to get his attention...I realize now that after I get to that size 4 he's waiting for, nothing is going to change. His inability to engage in sexual intimacy is a way bigger issue than how I look. And I think I've known that deep down all along. If he's Really In Love, how can he be so repulsed by me? ("You're not repulsive, darling, you're ahhhh-dorable..." man if I hear that again I'll scream! ;)) I should also add at this point: we wake up in each other's arms every morning, and fall asleep in each other's arms each night. Kissing, hugging...particularly "cuddling"...he looooves this, can't get enough of my affection and returns this affection in kind. But when it comes to sex...man it's a bummer. The few times we've had it, I've basically had to ask if it was okay. I have yet to feel paid attention to like that first time we were together. He disconnects. He calls it luxuriating (me doing all the work, me giving all the oral, me always on top..he just lays there). My attentiveness to pleasuring him is never reciprocated and he thinks he's off the hook because he doesn't demand any of it from me....I am ALWAYS the instigator because I'm deathly afraid that any opportunity I don't take to be physical with him...even if it's just a one way street...will be another brick in the wall between us and sexual intimacy.
Three weeks ago I asked if we could go see a therapist and he readily agreed. He might be bipolar II...little ups and downs...nothing very dramatic in the high or low category...but his ADD utterly exhausts him. So he cycles a bit between crazy levels of energy and matching eventual levels of lethargy/exhaustion. We were merely "interviewing" doctors when we found that we clicked with the first doc we met. Great...off to work.
In three sessions, it's been mostly background. And Jacob has a doozy of one. A real madhouse childhood, a divorce that left him acting out with lots of sex with strangers which sadly resulted in herpes. I KNOW he has a lot of shame and guilt attached with that, but he's had one outbreak since we met and I know he uses it as an excuse not to engage sexually even though I also KNOW that between his childhood, his failed marriage, his sex acting out, the herpes....he has a lot of issues. I don't expect answers or solutions overnight. But I'm a pretty bright girl and equally impatient for some GLIMMER of hope. I've wanted the doctor to look at us and hear us and say "I know what this is and what it means for you two"...we talk and talk and talk...Jacob so much so it's almost overwhelming...and I already feel like I'm losing my voice. When we first attending counseling, I asked if we should come as a couple or just Jacob on his own. The doc said both of us for a while. In 3 weeks, Jacob and the Doc have done all the talking with the exception of Doc asking me a couple times what I wanted out the therapy and out of our relationship. I replied that in all my reading and based on what I knew about Jacob already, that I was afraid his reliance on the notion that ADD was the root of ALL his problems was limiting. That I thought depression was really in the mix. That I viewed his ADD as facets of his personality and that I preferred to treat the ADD as a gift rather than a curse because I love, thrive on, and complement his creative, high energy level more than not. But that I thought even if depression was an aspect of ADD, that I wanted to treat them differently. I want him to learn coping and time management skills for the ADD and how to be more 'present' in our relationship, but that I want the depression treated, even if that means meds. That I knew meds are a tricky thing on their own, and that finding the right combination for any one individual takes time and usually is achieved through trial and error...a concept that terrifies Jacob. And that while we are a newer couple, we've both been around the block and realize what we have together could equate to a truly harmonious and loving life together..we both want kids, the whole 9. So I'm in for the longhaul....I am committed to spending my life with Jacob. But I wonder...is it ACTUALLY possible to get what I want and need too? He'd do anything for me...but I'm afraid his ADD prevents him from doing so. Or always will.
After saying my 2 cents to the doctor, I was cutoff midsentence...I don't think he wants me in session but Jacob does...so I'm invited back again next week. The last 2 weeks have been all about his family. I get it....doc wants to fill in the picture. But since we started therapy, again, I feel like I have no voice when for months I've had one with Jacob...he's so loving and willing to talk about anything for hours on end...including my feelings...but is limited in his empathy because of the ADD. He's listening and I'm not feeling heard.
I guess I'm just reaching out tonight to see if anyone can resonate with any of this, give me any kind of reassurance that I'm not wholly naive and that we stand a chance...there are good days and bad days for everyone...ADD or non ADD...and I thought starting therapy would give me that nudge of hope. But I feel like my needs are at the bottom of everyone's list...doc included. But he seems to be perfect for Jacob.
Anyone?
Thank you.
Therapy
Submitted by Tweetiebird on
Hi lizzie,
First off, I totally understand what you are going through. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now we've known each other for almost 20. At first our relationship was platonic with sexual feelings underneath all along the way. We decided 4 years ago that everything was right to try for a relationship. The first year was incredible! We were so in love and passionate about sex. We'd talk late into the night about everything, our future together, our past (most of which we already knew about).
4 years later and a year and a half of living together, the sex hasn't been as frequent, the stress of trying to deal with his ADD has been difficult and we too have been seeing a couples therapist. It was in one of our sessions that the therapist wondered if my boyfriend had ADD in light of some of the problems we were having. Our therapist is very careful to make sure that we are both heard and is not one sided about her attention. She frequently asks if everything was covered on both of our sides as it is about our relationship and not us individually. She doesn't specialize in ADD however her style suits both of us and we've made progress despite this. Her suspicion lead us to getting my boyfriend help with the problems he was having in our relationship and we are in the process of getting an assessment for his ADD.
You mention, "That I viewed his ADD as facets of his personality and that I preferred to treat the ADD as a gift rather than a curse because I love, thrive on, and complement his creative, high energy level more than not." I'm not surprised that you see his ADD as a gift but honestly, I can't say the same for me. Although it seemed my boyfriend's ADD was part of who he is it has also brought with it anxiety, depression and frustration for both of us. He is highly creative but he can't focus enough to get where he wants to go. He's extremely intelligent but this becomes problematic when he thinks something is beneath him. He blames everything else on the fact that he CAN'T be creative (he's a painter and musician). He's often told me that I don't love him for who he is because I don't love him for his ADD. Having said that, I've accepted that he has his challenges due to ADD and that we both have to work extra hard to live together harmoniously. There are many on this site that might agree with you that ADD people are highly creative and fun to be with and that we love our ADDers because of that but it's the other everyday stuff that they don't do or have challenges with that begin to eat away at your relationship. And remember, you bring something special to the relationship too. You have gifts, you are important, you are significant to the relationship. ADDers can get lost in their thoughts not notice things around them when they aren't interested and yes, some of them have a very low libido. My boyfriend and I have been struggling with this as well. If we have sex 3 times a month, that's a good month.
I would suggest that you might consider looking for another therapist. Someone who either specializes in ADD or is focused on the relationship. Also I would go talk to someone on your own, as our therapist suggested to me. ADD is a very difficult thing to go through with your partner and it's important to take care of yourself when you aren't the one with ADD. Your boyfriend sounds very supportive and understanding despite his history and ADD. Also you don't mention if he is taking ADD meds or if he is going to see someone separately about his own personal challenges with ADD.
Anyway, I hope this helps you feel less alone. It sounds like he really loves you and wants things to get better. That's a good step in finding out if you are ok with living with his ADD. It's hard even when you love someone. It's a very difficult and complex commitment to make. Lots of relationships can be under stress and be on the brink of a break up, I'm finding ADD complicates the everyday things couples go through and makes them even more pronounced.
The last thing I want to say is TAKE CARE OF YOU. Try not to let the ADD stuff take over your life.
:)