I'm mid 60s and recently diagnosed. All was OK for 44 years and then I retired. All structure (we moved as well) was gone and ADD roared its ugly head. Took 18 months to figure it out. Have attended marriage counseling together, however, wife doesn't like the therapist. The therapist asks tough questions and my wife doesn't like that. She says the therapist is biased against her. Therapist says she has built up anger, she says she doesn't although our arguments are her screaming. I'm a part of the communication problem as well. Admittedly not clear. Don't always 'hear' what she says and don't say what I thought I said. She told therapist that she no longer respects me - respects before ADD - but not now because I've hurt her deeply. I get that part of hurting her - but to never regain respect seems hopeless. Neither of us wants a divorce but can't go on in this constant argument cycle (poor communication on my part is the problem - ALWAYS). SO what do I do? We've read several ADD books including Effects on Marriage. We know what ADD is and management techniques. Medication - non stimulant is mostly helpful. If I forget to use communication tools - I'm not accepting of the symptoms - I'm in denial - and I don't ant to get better more than she does.
SO, what do we do? How can I convince her I'm trying and will improve. How can I encourage her to understand that I know she is not being mean - her words - yet her 'teaching' moments sometimes sound to my brain like criticism? She says that is my problem - despite the information we have read and learned about. Ever since the diagnosis, ADD has been the number one thing we talk about - EVERYDAY. ADD is apart of me but not all of me.
I'm at the end of the road and so is she.
Thanks
Same place as you but I'm the wife
Submitted by adhd32 on
I would like to comment since I feel that we are living parallel lives. Although it is commendable that you want to work on your ADD, I'm not sure things were OK for 44 years as you state. If I asked your wife about how things have been going for the last 44 years I am certain that she would not describe things as OK. 18 months of awareness does not erase 44 years of marital hurt, or maybe 40 since the beginning is usually great until added domestic stresses and perhaps children cause ADDer to withdraw. Since my H was unable to juggle his parental and domestic responsibilities, he soothed himself with various singular activities that stimulated dopamine and left me to pick up the slack. Like many members here I was basically a single parent. I worked full time, ran the household, shopped, cleaned, laundry, college visits, driving practice, religious instruction, scouts, church, sports, and arranged vacations and socializing with friends, all because it was boring, or he didn't want to, or he conveniently forgot. My heart was broken over his choosing to not get involved and then complaining when he was not getting the attention he felt he deserved. H has a very superficial relationship with our children since he never bothered to get involved in their lives and is jealous of my close relationship with them because I was always there for them. Click my user name if you care to read through some of the posts in detail. My H cannot remember things that have happened (even last month's call to the IRS) so perhaps your ADD has had an affect on your memory of events over the last 44 years. My H's memory is getting worse and his recall of things is much different than reality. He paints himself to be the hero and takes credit for many of the things I have done over the years. He is unwilling to admit his errors and blames everyone else but himself.
Over the last 3 years I have had to work hard at accepting him as he is because I have no other choice. I accept that he has a malfunctioning/different working brain and he is incapable of planning, remembering, intimacy (not sex but the unguarded feelings and emotions), friendship, family concerns. What I have learned is to not react to his goading for a rush, not to comment on his appearance or behavior (if he wants to be an a$$hole so be it), not react to his "you always"/"you never" statements, not be sucked in by guilt, not fix his mistakes no matter how uncomfortable he is about rectifying them, not taking control of things that affect only him, and to walk away when he is rude or disrespectful. H is retiring next week and we want to downsize and become snowbirds. I was like a mad woman trying to find a smaller place here and a place to rent for the winter while all he had to do was to clean out the garage (full of his junk). The rest of the house and property are in tip-top condition as I spent the covid19 lock down painting and cleaning out. So rather than reminding and then arguing with him I stopped looking at real estate and he asked why, I told him the ball is in his court, everything is ready but the garage. He is only motivated when his back is against the wall.
It has taken you years to get here so I think you should allow your wife as much time as she needs to process her feelings regarding the respect and hopelessness. In my experience, therapists usually do not have intimate knowledge of what it is like living with an ADD person unless they specialize in it. They only see the anger we non-spouses carry around from being ignored, dismissed, gaslighted, and blamed for every failing in ADDer's life. If you want your wife's respect I would suggest a few things. Do whatever you say will do. Treat her like you did when you were first married. Give her flowers. Clean the bathroom. Clean out the garage. Buy groceries and make dinner. Don't complain. Admit you don't remember. Accept that your recollection could be false and what she is saying is the way things actually happened instead of insisting your version, (with all the blanks incorrectly filled in), is what happened. She may also have to set some boundaries in order to avoid hot topics, and you may not like them, but she has a right to have them and you must respect them.
Michael
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
First, I think it's great that you have decided to treat your ADHD and work on your relationship.
As the non-ADHD spouse, I share your wife's anger. I admire her if she's not angry as she says, but she probably does have anger built up. And honestly, I think that's okay for now. She has probably earned it. I know I have and if a therapist pointed to me as the one who needed to change, there would be no way until I saw long-term change from my ADHD husband.
It sounds like you are trying hard from taking meds and trying new behaviours (not to perfection, but as best you can) to going to therapy. I think it is a long road back depending on your wife's mindset and there is only so much you can do about that. For me, I have had so many years of being hurt directly from ADHD behaviours, it would take me a long time to believe in sustained change. It would take years, I think, of consistent change on his part - in actions, not words - for me to drop my guard even a little. If your wife is where I am, she'd be a tough nut to crack, so I'll tell you what would have worked on me before I was too far gone. Definitely consistent use of medication that noticeably works would be number 1. Following that, I would want my husband to start being closer to a 50/50 partner without me needing to constantly supervise/prod/remind, etc. I would want him to learn ADHD management strategies and to actually USE those tools in practice. I want him to clean up after himself, do his own laundry, make a meal, paint a room that needs painting, etc. I would like him to listen when I talk without interrupting so often and not to yell at me so often when I ask an innocent question. I would like him to say yes instead of no when our child approaches him to do something. These are just a few things as examples. These actions, over a long period of time, would show me he really is capable of giving me what I need in a partner. Only then would I be willing to slowly relent emotionally, at which time, I would love if he would ask me out for dinner or spend some time watching a tv show with me. Basically, I need the partnership to be more 50/50 vs. 5/95 before I can think about wanting to work on the emotional pieces. She may just not be ready yet. She may also not see where things are at in the same light as you do. To you, you are making big changes. To her, it may not be enough and she still may be carrying a lot more weight in the relationship than you realize she is. That is not a dig at you... I think what you're doing is admirable and I sure wish my spouse would step up as you have described.
I guess I am saying stay the course on actions over words and show her you mean business on managing ADHD and she may come around. She also may not. She may be done no matter what you do and as devastating as that is to consider, it could be the truth.
Wishing you the best. Be kind to yourself in this. You didn't know about the ADHD for over 60 years and you are making huge discoveries and major changes to long-ingrained patterns. That takes time and you are pretty awesome for working at it.
Thank you for your response
Submitted by Michael E. Weaver on
Thank you for your response and encouragement. And my best to you.
Different realities....
Submitted by c ur self on
This thread (your post, and the two reply's) is typical, and say's one thing for sure....Different realities....To communicate with your wife, you've got to accept her reality...(And she will eventually have to see yours)...Don't discuss or argue about details...Be wise enough to know!...Of course she is mad....None of us get loud and emotional unless we are upset (angry! LOL)....She is mad about the way you live life...(do, don't do, say, don't say, etc)....I'm not on her side, but, I am just saying that as a husband, you will have to LISTEN...You don't have to agree with everything she says....Although the fact you've stayed w/ her 44 years, you know deep down she is right about most of it.....
If you want her to be calm, to lose the anger, to heal, you can watch that happen, you hold the power for that in your hand to a large degree...But you will have to Listen!...And when it's time to open your mouth....Do not defend yourself, under no circumstances!....If you can't humble yourself, and calmly look her in the eyes and speak the truth about yourself, (not about her attitude, not about her anger, not about her facial expressions, not about her volume or stress level) but about your mistakes, your need to change, your need to hear her, and show her you care!....And if you can't do this, it's a good bet you care more about your own pride, than being at peace with your wife....
Bless you Michael....
c