My wife called while I was dropping our daughter off at school yesterday. She said she got into an accident. Her explanation was that she tried to stop a a stop sign but her foot slipped. Our 15-year-old ADHD son was with her. His version is that she did stop at the sign but then went through the intersection without seeing the other car, with him yelling at her to stop. After she hit the other guy, she got out and left it in gear. The van went up on the sidewalk and hit a stop sign before she could stop it.
She t-boned a smaller car. The front of the minivan was smashed up with visible cracks in one of the fluid tanks. The driver side was all scratched up and she could not get the driver's door to open again. The fire department had to come and cut the driver's door off of the car she hit.
I have frequently been scared by my wife's driving and how her ADHD symptoms manifest in driving. She frequently stops watching the road to look at me while she is talking. I have recently had to yell at her after she started up after a stop sign and did not notice oncoming vehicles. One time, we were going to a movie and she missed a left turn. Without thinking, she impulsively did a U-turn on a busy street with traffic islands. (Keep in mind that she has sometimes been hypercritical of my driving.)
And, of course, she has yet to discuss ADHD symptoms with her psychiatrists. ("She didn't ask about those things! I only answered her questions!") She sees the psychiatrist for anger issues. Her next appointment is in August.
I stayed home the rest of the day. First, I took them to the ER to get checked out. Our son argued that he did not want to go. They said she had whiplash and gave her a prescription. I went to fill it while she rested. Our daughter's school called and i had to pick her up and take her to the doctor. Then we cleaned out the car and I dealt with the paperwork with the police. Finally, I had to take her to get a rental car.
The process of cleaning out the van brought up to other memories for me. First, it was the first thing we purchased with my inheritance from my parents. Second, it reminded me of the time when another car was repossessed--we had declared bankruptcy, and the bank pounced on the opportunity to repossess it when she missed one payment. I had been away on business, and she melted down and demanded I come home immediately.
There is one bright side to this. The van was registered in my name, which meant that I got blamed for her parking tickets. One time, she repeatedly promised she would pay a ticket. Then I got a notice that my license was suspended for failure to pay the ticket. Another time, I only found out about a ticket when I found a letter threatening to suspend my license while I was cleaning through the huge pile of clutter on the dining room table. (I paid it online ASAP!) Assuming that the replacement van is registered in her name, I won't get blamed for parking her tickets and my license will be safe.
Seriously, how do you live
Submitted by barneyarff on
Seriously, how do you live like this? My concern is for your health. I believe one of the reasons I had cancer was the stress of living with a man who denied his ADD plus having two ADD kids.
Please take care of yourself
Is there any chance your wife
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Is there any chance your wife will get ticketed and accumulate enough points that her license will be suspended? That might be a good thing under the circumstances.
My ex-husband was fired from a job (his second of only two long-term not-getting-paid-by-his-dad jobs in his life) 9 years ago because he had a car accident. He was a postal worker and he left his truck in gear while taking a package to the door of a house and the truck rolled backwards and hit a tree. It turned out that he had had at least one other accident while on the job that he didn't tell me about. He also got some speeding tickets after he was fired that he almost lost his license for. It didn't sink in for me that he was an unsafe driver when our kids were little. I feel very relieved that we all survived those years.
That would be horrible.
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
We could not take the financial toll of her not being able to get to work.
I understand. My ex-husband
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I understand. My ex-husband's firing was devastating for our family.
Would some effect on your wife's driving status or on your insurance be enough to convince her that the ADHD is a problem?
Hopefully
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Right now, our son does not respond to any of the consequences we have given him. He is in danger of failing several classes. I think he may have to actually fail to begin taking things seriously. I hope it will help, but I have my doubts about even that.
About 2 years ago, my wife did not take her abusive behavior against me seriously and resisted getting help--until I told her that we could either see a marriage counselor or get a divorce. Then she panicked and found a counselor asap. Losing my license did not have a major impact on her. I don't know if changes in insurance will finally get her to come around. I can see her just chalking it up to how unfair the insurance company is being, etc., etc., etc. Last summer, I kept warning that I needed to make time to mow the lawn because there would be complaints. She did not take this seriously and I was not able to do so before we left for vacation. When we got back, there a notice on our door about the lawn. Rather than admitting I had been right, she ranted about how unreasonable the town was being. It's always someone else's fault.
I am glad no one got hurt badly....
Submitted by c ur self on
I suggest you think about boundaries....I know she is your wife and you love her...But, it might be wise to have separate bank accounts, and keep your name off of the automobiles she drives...You can't change an adult, or make them think and act differently...But you can protect yourself from them w/ boundaries....
c
Update--Fight with teenager leads to fight over car accident
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Last night, she found our ADHD 15 year old son had been hiding video games in his room and lying about it. After screaming and demanding that he say things over and over, she got upset and took the bag of electronic equipment downstairs with her. She held it out like she was going to drop it, and I warned her not to do that because it would only throw gas on the fire if she broke them. Her response was that she did not care about his video games and then she promptly dropped them. I kept trying to get her to realize that vindictiveness would not help, but she just kept justifying the behavior by saying that she was upset about how obsessed he is is with video games. She was right to drop them and it would be OK to break them because, basically, she wants to. I tried to explain how just that morning she had been crying over breakfast about how mean she had been to him the night before. Impulsiveness, unwillingness/inability to listen to someone trying to talk her our of doing something rash, stupid, and counterproductive because it feels good--Classic ADHD problems.
During all this, I tried to explain that we can't deal with his ADHD problems effectively until she gets her own ADHD problems under control. In this context, I brought up that I was also frightened by her driving and that getting help for her ADHD could have prevented the accident. She flipped out about how "mean" and "vile" it was for me to try to make her "feel more guilty." I tried to frame it as not being her fault, but something she could get help with. I used the example of glasses--if I said that she had an accident because of vision problems, that would not be making her feel guilty. It would be offering her a way of preventing further problems by getting her glasses corrected. I wound up sleeping on the couch--but not without her pleading with me not to do so. I told her I thought we had gotten past the arguments over whether I could sleep on the couch, but apparently we had not. ("I want you to have a good night sleep." She didn't act like she cared about my sleep. Keep in mind that she has gone on leave from work, so only I had to go in this morning.)
She also brought up divorce at one point, and I said that if the kids and I were not important enough for her to address her ADHD problem, then maybe we should get divorced.
She has defended herself by saying that oh yeah, she is on a medication for ADHD--an antidepressant that is SOMETIMES perscribed off-label in conjunction with stimulants. But she is not taking stimulants. She also told me about getting evaluated by a psychiatric nurse--but only answering her questions without providing any information on why I think she has ADHD. Not surpisingly, the nurse did not give her an ADHD diagnosis. She listed depression on the insurance paperwork--which would explain the antidepressant.
If her regular doctor had not asked about the pain in her neck and her back, wouldn't she have mentioned that? How is a medical professional supposed to diagnose someone who doesn't tell them what is wrong? I wound up reading something I had written back in November about how her symptoms affect me and pointed out that ADHD evaluations often require input from relatives because the patient is unaware of the problems or does not bring them up because of lack of attention.
I'm so sorry you're in this
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I have no advice at this point, just empathy.
Her psychiatrist needs non-adhd spouse's input for diagnosis
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
You need to attend a session with her psychiatrist and suggest an ADHD evaluation be done to aid in the diagnosis for your wife's conditions. ADHD usually coexists with other conditions such as depression, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, etc. One of the common ADHD symptoms is poor self awareness so your wife may not perceive the impact her symptoms have on you and your son. Poor self awareness translates into an incomplete description of her symptoms so the psychiatrist does not have a complete picture needed to make a complete diagnosis. The additional ADHD symptom of feeling shame can make the ADHDer lash out at those pointing out ongoing symptoms. Getting a reluctant ADHDer to accept that ADHD is a constant part of her life and then adopting and successfully implementing a treatment plan is stressful and exhausting for everyone involved. Expect many starts and stops, dead ends, and medication regime revisions. Overall success is not guaranteed as these forums attest.
Is it possible to lock the
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
Is it possible to lock the video games away somewhere? That way they can't be sneaked back out? There's a product called a Lock A Box, which at about 30 bucks may cheaper than an actual safe. It's commonly used for locking away medicines and snacks, but something similar could maybe be used to keep the video games safely away when they're not supposed to be used. I'm sure Amazon has other versions of lockable storage boxes too. It just seems like your challenge of getting either of them to control their behaviour is so hard that perhaps you'll have better luck just controlling the object of contention - the video games. I'm just thinking that I guess, with small children, we do all we can to childproof the environment against their impulsive reckless behaviours, so maybe that's the most effective change you can create at the moment (until she starts taking proper treatment).
I know that I had a talk with my husband before he went for the diagnostic interview and went through a checklist with him and discussed which ones I thought I saw in him that he overlooked, so he was more prepared to say "my wife says I do that" to certain questions. Because you're right, they often don't see their own behaviour clearly - we do. I'm surprised they don't include SO's in the assessment process.
Personally, I feel like long term sleep deprivation is like a form of torture. In fact, I'm pretty sure it has been used as a form of torture before. It has real world consequences for your health, beyond just being tired, and you have every right to expect and require a good night's sleep for the sake of your health.
video games
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
If your son isn't supposed to have video games and he's continually hiding them and lying about it, I don't see a problem with destroying them or getting rid of them, especially if he's addicted to them. In my opinion he needs to be disciplined and he needs to know that you mean business.
When my son was young he had quite a few nerf guns. He tortured his sister every. single. day with those nerf guns. I told him over and over to leave her alone and quit shooting her with the nerf guns and he just ignored me. Finally, I gathered up every nerf gun and every nerf bullet and threw them all in the dumpster. My husband tried to make me feel guilty, but I haven't regretted it for one minute. My husband wasn't the one living with disobedience and crying and whining everyday. He also went through a lying period. Every time he lied to me I would take one of his favorite toys and donate it to a needy family. He also was very rarely allowed to have a cell phone until he reached the age of 17 when his behavior improved. My son has ADHD and ODD and was extremely hard to get through to him and sometimes we had to go to extremes. Maybe I was too harsh, but I saw it as an investment in his future. I only have 18 years to get him on the right path for the rest of his life.
You did just right Hopeful Heart.....IMO
Submitted by c ur self on
That's the problem with parents these day....They are afraid they might hurt their children's feelings....How Sad!
Bowl of Petunias...Based on your post you have gotten so drawn into mothering your wife, and acting as a referee between her and the children that you have lost yourself (Man, Husband, Father).....You don't need to manipulate your wife into doing the right thing....TELL HER once in a kind way...When she rebels; Walk away and stop intervening in HER consequences to face.....Your mothering her is only enabling her....She has no reason to look in the mirror because there is no price to pay as long as she can use you to cover for her behaviors....I've done the same thing WAY to many times....It has taken a long time (years) to start reversing it....And the reason I was running interference for mine, was for a few reasons....I thought I was helping....Fear....And my own selfishness at times....If you don't allow an adult to crash and burn, they never grow or learn....
c
One step at a time
Submitted by DÄHD on
I have heard that ADHD'rs need to take five steps towards living a manageable life as an ADHD'r:
1. Hear they have ADHD
2. Embrace that they have ADHD
3. Seek help / get diagnosed
4. Get medication and rehabilitation training such as cognitive behavioral therapy
5. Maintain the skills learned every day (and take your medication.
As a spouse you can help with all four steps except number two, that's her job. If she does it, be empathetic and supportive like the host of this site suggests and life will go on, just better than as it's going now.
Good luck, DÄHD.