I had a miscarriage on mother's day this year. I'm 34 and I never thought I wanted to be a mother so badly after it. I am with an adhd man, known him for 10 years and we've been together for almost 8. Now, after the miscarriage I've been wanting to see that same desired to want a child in him, but whenever I asked he would only answer "whenever you want we can start to get it on". But I was never like "I want one to with you", he is waiting for my comand and it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing this. Last night we had a talk again about haveing kids. He finally said that he doesn't want to bring a child into this world to suffer. That if we do have one than okay and if we don't okay also...
I'm emotionally exhausted with him. I can admit that he has gotten a bit better but I can't wait 10 years for him to be "functional" in the relationship. I don't have friends and no one to talk to about this. I just feel so lonely and gave up hope in life. I've told him this many times but he just says oh sorry or something like that and it stays the same.
He's a nice guy but I regret so many things in this relationship.
Stay or go
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
First of all, I am so sorry about your miscarriage, Lola. That is devastating. :(
I can only provide my perspective, but I will say that I have one daughter (11) with my ADHD husband. I did not realize he had ADHD until after our child was born. Though he had some symptoms I did not recognize before, those symptoms were magnified and new ones came stomping to the forefront once we had our daughter. It was like he was already at max capacity and absolutely could not handle the demands of parenthood. I do 95%+ of everything and his non-participation/unwillingness to address our relationship issues, his ADHD and my workload over-capacity has driven a permanent wedge between us. In my mind, we're done. Roommates. In his, he seems happy to go on with an empty marriage where he doesn't have to do much more than focus on himself and show up for dinner. While I wish I knew all this before we got married and had a child, I do not regret having my daughter one bit. She is the best thing in my life. If you do decide to have a child with this man, perhaps be prepared for an almost total lack of participation and support (especially with the feelings he recently expressed about having children). I can't imagine how difficult this decision is for you as I know that if you leave, perhaps you're concerned about finding a suitable partner to have children with while you're the right age to have them. That is absolutely valid and I would feel the same way. I will say that I have several friends who had healthy children in their 40s so don't think your opportunity to be a mom has passed if you leave your current relationship. Since you don't have people you can talk to about this, maybe you can find a therapist who could help you work through your feelings. Sometimes there are options we can't see without help or we need assistance listening to our guts! Please don't lose hope in life. This is your situation today and a few months or one year from now, things could be immeasurably different. Please always feel you can come here for understanding or reach out to someone in your circle. Maybe they won't "get it" (no one in my circle does either), but they may be able to support you emotionally just because they love you and see your pain. Thinking of you. ♥
Thank you
Submitted by lolaguzman on
Thank you for helping me and your kind words. One thing I know for sure is that he will be a wonderful father. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do and in the end talk to him about what we will do.
Reply
Submitted by clpeploe on
Hello,
First and foremost I am so sorry for your loss, that alone is something that you have to come to terms with and work through. Its hard to give advice but what I can say about ADHD because I have it sometime I need it spelt out to me. Most of the time my intuition is right but sometime is like talking to a brick wall.
I think at this point the conversation that might be more useful is how can you heal emotionally with his support from your miscarriage, what does your future look like together and are you both prepared to work on the relationship?
I hope its a little bit useful to you but I think you could still be grieving and confused about your relationship and I think that could be your starting point....?
It is useful
Submitted by lolaguzman on
Believe it or not it is really useful and your words give me hope to change my view on somethings and be more proactive and vocal. I think that is a great starting point but this time I will make plans for hte future and not sit still. ^_^ Thank you also for your kind words.
People are different....
Submitted by c ur self on
Many men (most of us, especially early in life) do not show emotion well....Right or wrong we view it as a sign of weakness, (I know it's wrong)...It's just the uncomfortable state of vulnerability we do not like...Women in general or much more empathic, they will cry w/you....Men tend to want to fix it, and if it can't be fixed, they tend to freeze up or ignore it.....
There is a lot hidden truths (some not so hidden) to his statement..."I don't want to bring a child into this world to suffer"....I've seen and read so much about the suffering of children who are being raised up at the hands of irresponsible parents...Parents who have no ability to put another human being ahead of themselves....Just the facts of life....
So whether you stay in it, or leave...Do it because of the reality of what is possible based on the way you and he live and feel NOW....Don't make the mistake of hoping someone will change, when it comes to an innocent child....That would be an uncaring decision....
c
It's true men's solution to
Submitted by lolaguzman on
It's true men's solution to everything is to fix it. I agree it is an uncaring decision to bring a child into a family that sees it as a band aid. In my case believe it or not I know he's scared but I know he actually would make a great father figure. I will have a more solid talk with him about the future and I will start to be more positive about life. Thank you, your comments have actually given me some hope about the future. I appreciate and take into account your stern words. ^_^