I took a lot of responsibility for my spouse's stuff. It was how I developed my marriage into a parent/child relationship. For more than the past year, I had - HAD - to let go of him all together. His anger. His ADHD. I made my plan to love him as a person and the father of our children - but plan my own life going forward without him. His stuff says NOTHING about me, but everything about him. I chose to work on my stuff. My spouse has to work on his. A broken relationship is just that - a broken relationship. If each side does not do their own part, it cannot be a "relationship." It is a lopsided mess of one person doing both people's work. I had that. And never want that again.
I am in college. My goal of getting an associate's degree in business has evolved into working towards my bachelor's degree in early childhood education. By fall of 2016, I can be student teaching. I feel odd at times. I am 55. All the meetings and events surrounding my education involve many young people assuming I am one of the professors! Sort funny. Sorta awkward. Sometimes, I feel like I am nuts.
This forum, and Melissa's couple's seminar has been a catalyst for me. I started posting here over 4 years ago. Then shortly after, did the marriage seminar with my spouse. AT THAT TIME, I did not get the result I had anticipated.
Last fall I erased all my posts as I saw how much my thinking had changed. Then I was asked to allow my posts to be restored. And . . . . my spouse who knew I was part of this forum, but had previously refused to participate, decided he wanted to read what I had posted. Oiy. I highly suggested that he not read my posts.
He read them.
All.
And the result? I watched him crash. And burn. And it was excruciating - for him.
But I had to step away. It fully seemed to destroy my ability to participate in this forum. However, what Liz thought was a total disaster, changed something.
My spouse, the man with ADHD, who was not fully diagnosed until a few years ago, is moving forward.
I am more amazed than you can imagine at what has transpired over the recent month. I have shared many a harsh thing my spouse has said to me. I find it important to share the positive thing my spouse said to me. This is a snippet of the what I hold dear to my heart. Words from my spouse, written to me in a letter:
".....I need time to regain the once peaceful spirit within myself - not letting go of the aspects of wisdom and knowledge dotted among the spiney realizations and anger-born false conclusions I have allowed to creep in. . . . .mostly, I need time to overcompensate the nurturing of you, lost in the wasted years.. . . ."
Will this really happen? Only God knows. It CAN be. I continue to do only Liz's part. But I can honestly admit that the possibility of my spouse's words causes me to feel a bit giddy for our marriage. I am continuing to take each day as it comes. I am hoping he will continue to choose happiness over bitterness. The proof will be in the pudding. I am not counting my chickens before they hatch. I am seeing a glimmer now of a positive outcome of these past 4 years of hard work - Liz on herself, my spouse on himself - and the hope it can create for our marriage.
Liz
P.S.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
It may seem this post belongs in a different section of this forum.
For Liz, "Anger, Frustration & ADHD" has been my stomping ground. It is where I feel comfortable. It is where my friends are. Thus, it is where I share this turn of events.
Liz
Hi Liz
Submitted by kellyj on
Long time (ha)....That is so cool about the student teacher thing and school. Nice!
J
Nice work, Liz :)
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Wow! That is amazing.
It does take a long time to improve with only one person working on it; eventually the other person needs to join in.
Even though it was incredibly awkward that he saw your raw emotions, I think that it was written will be a good thing in the long run. If he slips-and he will-he can go back to the posts until they are committed to memory. Don't stress about that part: as you said, you got to where you are now by working on your issues, not his. To do otherwise if he slips means you BOTH slip!
You have done something very difficult and you should be proud. You stuck it out in a difficult marriage and you went about it the right way.
Don't worry about starting teaching later in your career. I teach, and I have known a number of people who start teaching after a career change. It doesn't diminish what you can do in the classroom, and remember, you have a lot of life experience and a deep knowledge of ADHD. For me, it really helps me to be kinder and more empathetic to my students. What you think of as a disadvantage is anything but.
:) ADHDMomof2
On the road to happiness
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
ADHDMomof2,
Thanks for both the kind words and a different perspective! I like it.
I have always been a proponent of having things in writing. It is a tad less complicated to look at concrete words on a paper rather than get into the verbal discourse of "You said such-n-such." "No I didn't." "Yes you did." "No, those were not the words I used at all." Some ancient philosopher said something along the lines of , "The weakest ink is far more reliable than the strongest memory."
I have learned the wisdom in writing any sort of communication, especially if it was a conflict, in letter form. I also send it to more than one person. If it was I who had failed to communicate my thought properly, there would be more that just 2 people's input in trying to discover a solution. It also helped avoid my being reprimanded for making false accusations. There were not any passive aggressive blind carbon copies either. My issues were fully address to all parties involved.
I am thoroughly enjoying college. My very own wish/dream is to continue on my journey, and one day - have my spouse come up from behind, slip his hand into mind, and we will continue on together.
I am on my way to a better place, one way or the other.
I am still amazed at the lack of knowledge of ADHD in northeast Ohio. I struggled with help for my son since he was in kindergarten. He is now 25 :) Growing up with acceptance of how your brain is wired is such a blessing. I have developed the greatest empathy for my spouse who had fought against his own thinking for so many years. I fully believe that now that he knows better, he can do better. And know that he is sorting out the ADHD from some other things he needs to deal with, it is all the better for him - and our relationship.
Liz
Hi Liz
Submitted by c ur self on
I am so proud of you!...And for your H...I'm praying this awakening will continue, and that in time he will uncover his affections and develop even more desires to connect with you in all the way's you and he deserves...
Blessings
C
Liz, similar happened to us
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm glad you are going to school and getting a degree.....that's fantastic. I wish you only the best. And, it's nice for you to have something just for YOU, after all your hard work. My ADHD husband did something similar to yours, in respect that he started changing ONLY when I stopped everything and told him I was done. I was done with the letting the effects of his untreated ADHD to do damage to me and our relationship. (a lot was said more than that) But, he knew I was serious, and it was only then that he took his ADHD seriously. (for the first time) He got Melissa's book, and he too, read my posts on here, (which I wasn't too thrilled about either). But, it did start to change something in him, and he is still continuing to work on himself and trying hard to do things for ME. (which he just didn't DO before)
My body is breaking down very fast now, (lumbar disc ruptures) and I can do hardly anything anymore, but all the years I overcompensated and did everything around the house, worked, raised the children, and took care of both our elderly mothers till they passed. I am worn out, and sometimes I wonder why it took so long, and now that he's doing so much better, I can't even LIVE life better with him because I'm in bed so much.
But, I DO wish you much, much better days ahead.