My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He has adhd and is very stubborn. He doesn't apologize for anything. He uses the silent treatment often and for long periods of time when I don't agree or do what he wants. I do not have adhd, but I do have anxiety and depression.
So yesterday was my 35th birthday. I worked all day and came home to my husband who works from home. He offered to take me to dinner for my birthday, and I said sure. He had a stuffy nose and just had his toenail clipped by a podiatrist to prevent infection. I could tell he wasn't in the best of moods. We went, and in the middle of dinner stated that when we returned home that evening we would be vacuuming the house. He claims that is the cause of his stuffy nose. I shot him the look of death and couldn't believe he was focusing on himself. (Side note. This is not atypical, he likes to 'be the boss' and then expects me to jump to do what he says. I don't normally jump - I say, anything that comes out of your mouth for me to do, you can skip that step and do it yourself.") He picked up my look and starting saying that when he asks me to help do something, it shouldn't be a big deal. I said, "it's my birthday and I would appreciate not being asked to vacuum the house in the middle of dinner." The rest of dinner was silent.
On the drive home, he starts to accuse me of not caring about his ailments and taking care of him. I have taken great care of him when ill but he doesn't remember that and claims that he takes better care of me when I am sick than I do him. I said that I wasn't going to fight over this and that it is another case where we do not agree on everything. He then started driving very fast. He 'road rages' with me in the car to show that he is angry. I told him to slow down and at least turn on the high beams so we can see the deer we will most likely hit on the way home. (we live in a wooded area with deer everywhere).
He did not listen to me. He told me to shut up.
When we got home, he proceeded to lie on the couch and do nothing. I did a few dishes, some laundry, and then went to bed. No words exchanged. He got into bed and went to sleep.
Normally, he is very affectionate and 'snugs' me and tells me he loves me. When he is mad, he withholds affection. And this morning the silent treatment continued. Before I left for work, I asked him how his toe was. He doesn't acknowledge my presence or turn around. He said, 'it hurts.' I asked why he isn't looking at me. He said he doesn't need to. I said, "ok, well if you feel you need to play the silent treatment game, to feel free. I am not participating in this and that just because we don't agree on everything, it doesn't mean this game needs to be played." No answer. I left the house and said sarcastically, "I had a spectacular birthday, one I won't soon forget."
This type of interaction happens often and there is never resolution. No sorrys. He instead says we need therapy. I agree. I told him I'm ready to go with him to his therapists appointment to get started. The appointment doesn't ever get made.
I am open to advise. Some of it may be me, but in my journals, I notice the patterns of this. I don't even know what to call it. HELP :-)
Passive Agressive Veiled Anger and Hostility
Submitted by kellyj on
"Bullying is finally getting the attention it deserves. Who hasn’t heard of the damning texts, Facebook taunts, punching, pinching, mean practical “jokes,” verbal assaults, sarcasm, cruel messages written on school lockers, and even pernicious gossip that abound in schools? Bullying also occurs in adult relationships. At work, with couples, the elderly, and even between parents and children.
The difference is it is usually less blatant, and takes the form of more subtle, but no less destructive, passive-aggressive behavior. "Girls, you can be an asshole too....don't pretend you don't got one on the bottom of you!!" Frank Zappa
"By its very definition, passive-aggressive behavior is constructed in such a manipulative way that it leaves an aggressive residue without incurring the perpetrator any obvious negative feedback."
Yuck!!! Sticky residue....all over you and the furniture!! Yuck!!! Get it off me....please!!!! LOL
"That’s the beauty of it. The whole set up insures the person behaving passive-aggressively is beyond criticism."
Beyond Criticism? mmmmmm????
After all, who can blame someone for “forgetting” to get your insulin, everyone forgets things sometimes, don’t they? And, who can blame someone for being late when life intrudes? Only the most insensitive, rigid person would be critical of that. What about someone who insults you and says, “Can’t you take a joke?”
"I was just kidding...." No, you weren't. That's the problem.
Passive-aggressive behavior creates a double bind for the recipient, and that is where its real power lies.
FYI: IMHO...this was stated incorrectly. This isn't power....this is weakness with no power what so ever? In fact...it actually shines a big spot light on just how little personal power that person actually has or else...they wouldn't do it, would they? The only power it has ....is if you fall for it. Don't be a Stooge "You fool, your Jedi mind tricks don't work here!!!" ( as one possible response to this )
"If the target acts angry, or says something, he / she is suddenly the one with the problem."
Nice shoot'in soilder, but two can play at that game.
“I know I promised, but why are you getting so angry with me? I couldn’t help forgetting what time the pharmacy closes.”
That may be true....but if you are prone to forget....then you need to do something about it so will still remember or remind yourself to do it ahead of time. Victim language. "Don't you understand...I had to do it!!! " Yeah right.
"Suddenly you are the one who is angry or too sensitive. (Who can be too sensitive? You are simply as sensitive as you are.) "
Arguing about some ones feelings being different than your's? HA! It's not a competition and there is no trophy or medal for winning who is more sensitive and how would you know...anyway? That is a joke....all by itself to even consider playing this game.
"This insidious way of blaming the victim, is also an example of projection, because the passive-aggresive person is actually angry, and probably highly sensitive, too, but incapable of owning his / her feelings."
The inability to own your own feelings....creates emotional dishonesty which is actually a form of lying when you speak from this place since everything you say and do will be a lie in a generalized way across the board even if it is not a specific lie.
Another hallmark of this behavior is the disconnect between the person’s words and behaviors. They say they want to help you, but don’t follow-up. When you press them for a reason, they will always have a logical, reasonable excuse. If this happens infrequently, it is not a problem.
Just another form of dishonesty and not saying what you are actually feeling and manifesting it into actions.
"If it happens all the time, it creates a lack of trust and precludes any deeper intimacy."
Passive-aggressive behavior is an excellent strategy for goading someone into actually feeling angry or upset, as the recipient often feels trapped into either responding in an understanding, patient way (which may not reflect their true feelings),
This is emotional dishonestly which then forces you to be emotionally dishonest which is a from of covert lying IMHO. If you are actually forced into this position....then you have been lying yourself and don't even realize it. Honesty is honesty.....emotionally or not.
or reacting with disappointment, frustration, or anger. Nice try...Buck Wheat!!! lol
Suddenly, they are the one with the problem. So, passive-aggressive behavior is incredibly manipulative, and deflects the perpetrator’s anger onto someone else. The "THING"....that I do not want in my living space. eeeyew!!! Slimey sticky ooze!!!! Yuck!!!
It may not be as blatant as other forms of bullying, but it is still bullying.
The person who uses passive-aggressive behavior gets a rush of power from feeling in control. What's the best way to stop a drug addict from being a drug addict .....take their drug away?
They have trouble being assertive because being assertive requires knowing what you want and asking for it in a non-confrontational way. Since they habitually deny their anger or resentment, they are not in touch enough to be assertive; hence, the use of passive-aggressive strategies."
This is a subject that I am very familiar with from my own personal experience. With that in mind....if you want to know how to rob a bank. Ask a bank robber in the best way to do it?
Or consider......if you want to know how to prevent a bank robbery....a bank robber could tell you the best way to avoid it or prevent it from happening too?
Spinning Wheels,
Recently....I posted a list of quotes for the New Year...and one of those profound quotes said.. "the seeds of any answer or resolution to any problem can be found within the problem itself?"
Working backwards from this issue of "the silent treatment"...being a result of "passive aggressive behavior? If you consider that the perpetrator of said...such behavior is angry with you and therefore....wants you to "pay" for your transgression against them in some way as a means for revenge or in retaliation against you?
One might ask then....."what's the worst thing that they would pick to use against you?
Answer: The very worst thing that they would experience themselves? Right?
So if the silent treatment is the worst thing that they could experience themselves if that's what they experienced? Then what is the answer here in combating this and not allowing it to affect you or to take all their powerlessness "power"....away from them?
Here's what I would do.
-Ignore it and them completely...as if nothing happened...as if they are not even in the room with you but only as means to counter this behavior? If you are just doing it back at them in the same way...then you are stepping into the ring with them and playing "their game". Just like water...running off a ducks back?
-Don't respond...in essence....silence.
-Don't react...and don't do anything differently as if it never happened
-Don't make anything you do....contingent on them or this behavior in any way and continue to do exactly as you were going to do...as if they are not even there. Like they are invisible..and don't even exist.
-Don't take the bait...and stay one step ahead of them always if you can
-Be proactive and count on this happening and proceed according to head them off at the pass...when ever possible
-Don't try and be understanding or try and "splain yourself" to them. Again......remain silent....say nothing. The worst possible thing you can do in terms of them since what they want...is you to do something or react by doing the worst thing that they could possibly ever experience themselves which is why they do it.
So the answer here for example....in "just the silent treatment" only? Remain silent yourself? The worst consequence they could experience themselves.....that they themselves created which is getting a taste of their own medicine....without you doing a single thing? Conservation of energy.....and energy itself can neither be created nor destroyed? They lack power...and lack control. If you meet your own power and self discipline and control....in the face of lack or control and self discipline....the overwhelming power resides in the one who has more of it...in the face of the very thing coming at you....that they themselves cannot tolerate.
In the Art of War....and in any adversarial relationship....( even if this is not your choice but theirs which you cannot control ) the first and best way to win or overcome your opponent...is to win...without ever fighting or lifting a finger and conserving your own energy...and using theirs against them instead.
If you say nothing...and remain silent yourself.....that is the worst thing you could possibly do to them....even though you haven't done a thing? And they will HATE this..you can count on it? And count on more passive aggressive behavior coming back at you....until they run out of energy, leave, have a conniption fit, or just give up? Probably a little of all of these things going back and forth from one to the other as means to get you to concede? Which means.....the same course of action...still applies.
Best course of action...is to win the war of attrition with the caveat....if you are stonewalling them or mistaking thinking this is "stonewalling"....that will not work. Stonewalling is passive aggressive in itself.....and that is just tit for tat...if you erroneously use that as a means to counter this which is you....just stepping into the ring with them if that's how you approach this kind of adversarial relationship you have found yourself in....even if this was not by your choice.
If the worst thing you can do for a person doing this for themselves....is to be "invisible"......by not reacting or responding and ignoring them and remaining silent.....they are in essence....."invisible to you"...and this is the worst possible thing that can happen to a person who is trying to manipulate you...in the way?
That's how....you play that game....and put an end to this non sense because it is quite frankly.....what a child would do in the same situation as means to get what they want?
As long as this behavior exists....they don't get? As soon as they stop....you reward them and give them what they want but not until then and you don't have to say a single word or do anything. That's the beauty of it? It's only used as a response to the symptom as a course of action that is specific to this thing and not to used at any other time unless...you risk doing the same thing for the same reason that they're doing it...and in that case......THEY WIN.....and YOU LOSE.
So in respect to doing it any other way than I just a said? Don't do it. And don't do anything and remain silent yourself and if you need to go find someone else to talk to.....go do that instead until they stop this non-sense....because it is non-sense to do it....and it makes no rational sense?
I will point out one thing that I have noticed in my lifetime of experiences so I won't offer an opinion or judgment about this what so ever in this respect or any thoughts as to why?
I find that women in general...do this much more than men in the general population and it appears to be something more commonly used with women against women?
Men on the other hand....in my experience.....would most likely punch another man in the face or just walk away and never return if someone did this with them for the most part and I am no different in how I feel about this? As I recalled.....my friend and I once...pulling over and telling our other friend to get of the car, leaving him on a freeway bridge to walk 5 miles to get home.....I think would be the first inclination to do...for a man with another man trying to play this game with a man? Just my own experience with this and how I felt about it personally at the time?
This is not saying specifically the "silent treatment"...but more in terms of passive aggressive behaviors used as a means to manipulate you to get what that person wants from you? With men...doing this with another man as a technique in general......"that shit just don't fly"...and it will usually end in a hurry? Just my two bits thrown in there from a gender stand point and looking at it that way as well?
Bottom line. As long as you yourself are "hurt" by this....then they have power and leverage over you...to use against you. If you are unaffected what so ever by this...and don't try and use that against them in return....they lose all power and control over you which leaves them powerless. That's the goal and that's how you play this game by not playing it at all which is all about you changing...not them. You can't get there from here....is the operant way to actually get there yourself even if they don't.
https://holisticdivorce.wordpress.com/tag/the-not-so-veiled-hostility-in...
J
My first post!
Submitted by KayCee on
My first post!
As a guy who's been diagnosed a few years ago, I'll offer a little perspective on SOME of his actions.
Announcing his intention to vacuum in the middle of a nice dinner- We ADHD folk have a tendency to forget everything. If an idea strikes us, and we think, "Nahh, now's not an appropriate time... I'll bring it up later." chances are we'll forget to bring it up later. Then forget to act on the idea, along with all the other ideas we've ever had, until we remember them later and the guilt and stress just raised another notch, until we forget, then remember again later, and get hit all over again with the added guilt of having forgotten again... Anyway. It's fine that you didn't wanna clean half the house after your birthday dinner. I'm only offering a perspective on his mid-dinner announcement.
His interpretation of your death-look: I'm getting the impression that a lot of guys with ADHD suck at communication. I should know, I'm one of them. One thing I've read is that ADHD comes with a reduced ability to control emotions. I'm guessing this contributes to a reduced ability to read the emotions of others. So while your glance was probably a flash of irritation on your part, he probably doesn't understand the degree of your emotional response. He very well could believe that to you it is a Big Deal.
Wanting to be "the boss"- this probably goes with the short attention span, and lack of long-term planning ability. If we don't act quickly on our thoughts, the action will probably never come. We probably project this onto others- if they don't act quickly on our ideas, we will never recognize the action if it comes later, might not remember the idea if we're reminded, et cetera. Being bossy might be the only way he recognizes having any control in the world.
Road rage- never appropriate. I find myself doing it at times. It probably goes with the poor ability to regulate emotions. They'll flare wildly out of proportion to the situation, and the only way I know how to control them leads to...
Clamping completely down. In my case I become an emotionless "robot". It's not a good solution, but to me, it's better than the possibilities of letting my out-of-control emotions run free. Perhaps your husband's "silent treatment" is a version of this. Perhaps he is being bitchy in an attempt to punish you. And perhaps he's unable to handle his own emotional state, doesn't know yours, and is locked into an emotional/logical "blue screen of death", unable to escape until somebody hits the restart button.
Not looking at you- after an argument goes unresolved, when you suck at communicating, you don't know how to judge another person's emotional state and have trouble regulating your own, and you don't remember the positive ways to overcome these situations and you don't know how to talk about it or if what you're feeling is justified, just looking at someone you love can be emotionally painful.
It's probably not a game to him. At least, in similar situations I've been in, it wasn't a game to me. I was just locked in a circle of self-doubt and poor communication skills. Hopefully you two are doing better. Um, just remember, the cliche of men being poor at getting hints- for a man with ADHD it can be 10x worse. We need it spelled out, letter by letter. We're not doing it deliberately, we're not messing with you.