I long for hearing , "Gosh I forgot." I long for hearing, "Darn, it may have been me." I long for hearing, "Hmm, I wonder if I forgot to hook the gate?" I long for an adult taking responsibilities for the simple fact that he may or may not have been responsible for something.
I came home from work today to find the gate open between the dining and living room, leading to the inevitable of discovering the dog peed in the living room carpet. When I was talking to my spouse I mentioned that the gate was left open, to which my spouse said it was left open by our 25 year old son.
So when our son got home I addressed it with him. His response was anger. He was not the last one to leave the house, and he stated with anger that he was not going to clean the carpet.
A bit later my son came in asking, in a frustrated voice, the location of the carpet cleaner. Sigh. I started to cry. The answer to this issue is NOT him and I constantly "keeping the peace" because we can't discuss these things with my spouse without a major argument. My son has had headaches for the past month. Stress, I know it. Major tension here at our home, so thick you can cut it with a knife. Subconsciously I am avoiding everything, not asking for anything, trying my best to just retreat from arguments without playing the eggshell walking game.
This is where my life evolved, regardless of my hard work, my searching, my reading, my learning, my boundaries, my letting go of my parenting my husband, my asking for answers that are not found. I cannot get far enough away from "the box" to see how this really is.
So if a parent/child dynamic evolves with the non-adhd spouse being the dominant figure, I cannot understand how my relationship is such, as my doing everything evolved because nothing got done except by me. And discussion over the chore-wars got my spouse angry, so I was trying to keep our home life happy.
I foresee if I mentioned this, my spouse will get huffy and mention how he DID do the dishes before I left for work this morning.
Accountability and the Impaired Memory...A Fun Combination
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Hi I'm So Exhausted,
I am assuming your son is not diagnosed or suspected to have ADHD? Things can get seriously confusing when there is more than one ADHD member of the family.
It has taken me a long time to get better at just saying, "Well, I don't remember doing that, but I probably did/I'm sorry if I did, etc..." The next step is attempting to rectify the situation. It is really humbling to trust the other person who is always telling you that you screwed up when you can't even remember if you did! I do NOT do this perfectly, and sometimes I still argue, but I'm better at apologizing when I do. Progress, not perfection, I suppose. I guess it's that old adage, "Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"
I'm so stubborn by nature, that it has historically been very difficult for me not to answer, "RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT!!! I WANT TO WIN!!!" Arghhh. Sometimes it is that pride (I can't be wrong again!!!), sometimes it's a result of ADHD "memories" that feel as real as reality, and other times it's a combination of the two.
I'm sorry it's taking a toll on your son's health :( . That must make you sad.
ADHDMomof2
It is more disappointing
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
ADHDMomof2 ,
Actually my son was diagnosed with ADHD in 4th grade.
He has negative ADHD behavior too. The major difference is my son will say "oops" or "I'm sorry" or "I forgot" or even "I don't know." And he feels remorse.
I honestly think I am having a harder time watching my husband's stubbornness ruin his father/son relationship. Yet I know my husband and son's relationship belongs to them.
When we visit anyone, my spouse would be happy and smiling and helpful, and the whole ride home he would rip people to shreds. I got fed up with him being so super nice and helpful to everyone, and then dump all the anger and frustration on me. So I just tell him I accept his opinions, but I do not choose to share them. .
Ah, well, they are both adults, and I have to work extra, extra hard to not take sides, and just listen to my son vent and nod, and say I understand and I am sorry I cannot figure out how to fix it all. Well, I do know how, just revert to playing the peace at all costs game. But, I refuse. It is not healthy for me.
He has negative ADHD behavior
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
He has negative ADHD behavior too. The major difference is my son will say "oops" or "I'm sorry" or "I forgot" or even "I don't know." And he feels remorse.
You must have worked VERY HARD to get him to perceive his mistakes in the face of a poor ADHD role model! I hope you are proud of this, because you should be!
It is perfectly natural for you to be sad that your husband and son are struggling in their relationship. Just because you let them own it doesn't mean you're a robot. It just shows you are a loving mother!
ADHDMomof2
Way to the right - - -and way to the left
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
ADHDMomof2,
I think my main source of confusion in my struggle with the measurable progress my spouse is making comes from what I experienced and saw through my son as he grew. My son didn't understand, he didn't know, and he felt different. Once we had the diagnosis, it was like a light switch going on in his life. How his brain worked was something to be reckoned with, but not something to fight against. I worked hard through the public school system to allow him to accept who he was, try to push himself beyond what felt comfortable, but to not set his standards so high, he would feel defeated. We had GOALS. Try your best to reach as close as possible as you can to the goal. When you know and believe you did your own absolute best, then consider it a success. We had the normal childhood stuff of Mom trying to discern what was just, "I don't wanna" versus " I just can't." Now as an adult, he can make his own choices as to what works well for him.
My spouse had made it clear that he needed everything done his way - all the time - because he knew the BEST way. On the very few rare occasions when he didn't care at all, THOSE were the only opportunities I had to feel I could have things the way I really wanted them. There was no compromise. Now my resentment toward him is deeply rooted.
I am trying to figure out how to "receive" his input in areas that I had wished he would let me do things my way. Now I hear him say, "Now, I KNOW you told me this many times before, but 'when the student is ready the teacher will appear.' I cannot find the way to rejoice with him is those awakenings. I know some of this stuff is typical husband/wife things. I spent so many years just trying to make myself fit into his life, I never insisted on anything for me. So now determining if he loves "me" or is he loves "who I was for him in the past" is very difficult. That is where I struggle with discerning if we just need to be on our own, or if we can find a way to come together and stay married. I KNOW I have things to work on, but I am also so resentful that I worked FOR YEARS on trying new things for my own attitude adjustment, and new ways to approach problems, and new ways to "Be the Christian wife of a happy husband." Since I never had any expectations for him in his behavior towards me, I am just confused.