Here we go again.... another weekend where ADD spouse is MIA. He has a new obsession in which he thinks he's going to die....again... so he is lost in anxiety, depression, internal space, and grumpy attitude to family. Now he thinks his heart is going to stop, even though he visited the doctor (an appointment I had to set up because he wouldn't) and they ran tests and everything was fine. In fact, the normal high blood pressure was actually good....but NO this is another sign he is going to die!!!!
Can I express how totally sick of this I am? Every month it's something else. Some other excuse. He didn't sleep well...he is stressed....he is dying... that he can sit alone in a room without engaging with his family, and leave all the child rearing and house work to me. And the grass goes un-cut yet again. I am angry. I am fed up. No matter how many conversations I have, no matter how much I beg, it never changes. All weekend he has had major anxiety, which contributes to any symptoms he might experience, over his health, though he is under the age of 30!!!! So it's like I've had no husband. I was so sick of the constant conversations of total irrationality of him near death that I said he MUST call the doctor and request a visit today. He stays in bed till 11am, then sits around staring off into space. Around 1pm I ask, don't you want to make another appointment? He grunts...doesn't really respond. By 3pm, I called the doctor and made him talk to them to set up the appointment. I was so sick of his anxiety. And I refused to go another week hearing about it every night and how he doesn't know what's going to happen. The world is always about to end because of globalist take-overs, or he is about to die....always. I sound like a horrible person and a jerk writing this. I used to feel bad for him. I used to be patient and compassionate, but it's dried up over the years and with two little boys who climb the walls....and me with a few hour break once a week...and him never taking responsibility for caring for his needs or bettering himself or our marriage....I'm fed up. I'm angry and I'm tired. I have little to no emotional energy left over for my boys. And my boys need their dad. 4 year old went downstairs to visit dad and was basically ignored. I'm not afraid to sit him down and express he needs to address stuff. But he only becomes defensive and jabs back. No point.
I know so many on here have it harder and can understand where I'm at. I'm also so tired of hearing normal people say, well, marriage is just hard....get over it...basically. they don't get the other dynamic we deal with. and when it's little stuff everyday its hard to get folks to understand. so often i've read my own story on here and it's helped tremendously. so here's another story. reminder...you will feel like a single parent again next weekend.
It's up to him to take care of his mental health
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Reasonable support for a spouse is one thing and what you're doing is entirely another! I am now a single mother - left my ADHD spouse over a year and a half ago after 20 years together. But I was always a single mother in my marriage anyway. And honestly, life is much easier now. Yes, parenting is all on me as it always was, but that is a refreshing lightening of my load. The added work of managing my husband's ADHD (not my job) was overwhelming. He didn't contribute in any meaningful way to the family and in fact damaged it as you've described (ignored our child, uttered very cruel things, set a terrible example as a parent and adult, created disasters constantly). It's up to you to decide how long to live like this if your husband doesn't take his own mental health into his hands and start DOING something about it. My ADHD husband was very happy for me to work full time, take care of our child, cook and clean, while he did none of the above. He did it as long as I let him - my straightforward requests for support, my desperate pleading and finally my own obviously deteriorating mental and physical health due to his total apathy did not factor in for him. I don't believe he had/has the empathy required to see the impact of his behaviour on everyone else.
You seem much younger than I am and I will just give you my "benefit of hindsight" two cents. Take care of yourself. Don't let your own health go because he won't take care of his. The kind of stress you're under can wreak havoc on your body and mind. I have permanent effects from persevering in a similar situation to yours for too long. Your boys need one stable and capable parent and you are it, unfortunately.
I 100% get your final sentiment. No one who hasn't lived this understands how physically and emotionally exhausting it is. People assume you have a real partner. If you say something, people assume your problems are everyday issues everyone faces.
Absolutely wishing you the best as you navigate this. You are not alone.
Death of a Thousand Cuts
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Most people try to evaluate your stories and wind up responding with platitudes. Even if they are well-meaning such responses are dispiriting. They do not grasp that you are living with a partner with a (or several) mental health issue(s). A mentally ill personality is not logical so 'logical platitudes' do not help. I know such interactions over time can make one want to scream. And the next day begins...