Here's another question for everyone. My ADHD husband usually never goes to bed before 3 a.m. I've seen other posts about erratic sleep schedules for those folks who suffer from ADHD, but was just wondering about the rest of you folks here. Are your schedules the same? When we were first married, I used to stay up with my DH so that we could go to bed together and maybe have some romantic time together, because he would never "do it" during the day. (sorry, don't mean to be graphic) But, regardless of how much or how little work he has, he will NOT go to bed earlier. He will even just putts around until he can "pass out" at 3am. He usually IS doing some sort of work, but a lot of the time, he's downloading material off the web, and/or playing video games. Is this the norm? or is this unusual?
sleep schedules
Submitted by dedelight4 on 04/23/2014.
My DH is the same. In fact he
Submitted by redhead1017 on
My DH is the same. In fact he boasts about how little sleep he needs...like it's something to be proud of? I don't get it. He usually putzes around on the computer until 2 AM and then wakes up with me, but then he's passed out on the couch as soon as he sits down.
My husband is the same...
Submitted by frustratedwife on
My husband has a TV addiction. He stays up until 2am watching his shows or movies every night. I always thought it was because he spent many years working late hours and that's just what he was used to but reading this made me wonder if it has something to do with ADHD. I've always been perplexed by the way he focuses on the television and how much time he spends watching it. I guess he thinks since it's late at night he's not wasting time but then he sleeps most of the morning away. I feel like he could spend his time doing something more productive.
dh also has TV addiction. On
Submitted by copingSAH on
dh also has TV addiction. On weekends he never leaves the dark TV room and the TV is turned on at 6:30AM and most times isn't shut off until 2:30AM in the morning, or when it times out from inactivity (when he's fallen asleep).
We've been furniture stores where there is a mock/dummy television with an image pasted on it, and I've found him frozen in his steps staring at the image. It's really bad. No one seems to understand the extent.
It's not a matter of preferences like watching with the curtains drawn or not, it's a matter of a serious form of self "medication" for the brain. It's almost as if the TV/iPad slows down his AD/HD thoughts, even if he's zipping around on them and it doesn't matter how long it takes. Sometimes the ADD medication makes it worse. He will literally go on 2 hours of sleep a night for a week.
But gosh forbid I have anything to say, he turns me off as soon as I have a thought. I wish I could express this to someone in real life.
I've recently begun to
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
I've recently begun to realize that my DH also uses TV and iPad as self-medication. As soon as he gets up in the morning, before work, the TV is on. And turning on the TV is one of the first things he does when he gets home from work or if we've been out of the house for anything. He needs to have his iPad if he's watching the kids. I was hoping medication would make this better, but it sounds like it doesn't for your husband, copingSAH? It also just seems like he needs some sort of background noise all the time. If he's in the basement, he turns on the train set and just lets it make its sound in the background - he's not even really looking at it. He keeps telling me he'd be able to sit through family meals if we got a TV in the kitchen, but it just seems like he'd completely tune us out and watch it. At least we have his attention for the 5 minutes it takes him to eat before he's off to watch TV. It's really scary how much he seems to need TV or iPad or even his cellphone. Real life just seems to stress him out. I'm wondering if this is a mix of anxiety and ADHD. I have no idea how he's able to function at work, but he does fine and has had a great job for 16 years.
Same with my dh... good job,
Submitted by copingSAH on
Same with my dh... good job, good provider. When he's away from home, it seems like he deals going without a TV just fine. As long as we're not with him. Much of the time, it feels like he's escaping from me and kids because I know for a fact he is able to make dinner dates with other people and other family members when he's out of town and spend lots of time painting the town red with others.
At his worst, before the medication, he would have the sports on television, iPad on his lap surfing, and his iPhone propped up next to his ear tuned to shock-jock radio. But absolutely no time to hear how my day was. Or if I had a question about the household. I suppose anyone can do two things at once, but 3 things?? It seems the medication makes everything more enjoyable for my dh, but it doesn't do anything to improve empathy/interaction, OCD, or fully modulate his actions. Except for one med, but he refuses to take that one, saying it changes him. That was the only time I experienced having a honest to goodness husband... so I try to remember that one week he was on it. And of course if he takes his current med late in the day, he's up until 2 or 3 in the mornings.
I also feel like my DH is
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
I also feel like my DH is using TV to escape me and the kids. He loves going out for wings and beer with his friends and cousin (though he doesn't do it a lot, maybe once or twice a month) and can sit with them for 3, 4 hours. But he can't seem to sit at the kitchen table for the 20 minutes it may take our 3 year old to eat a meal. I know there's the whole things about how those with ADHD have trouble focusing on something that doesn't interest them and I'm guessing what his friends talk about interests him while my son's random questions about things and my attempts to ask him about work, tell him what I did that day, etc., are just not interesting. But it really hurts when he just gets up and leaves and it's hard not having another adult around for conversation. He knows how I feel and I've asked him to stay at the table (especially now that our 3 year old will try to follow him to the TV room when he leaves, even if he's barely touched his food), but it's so draining having to constantly remind, get him to come back to the table, etc. I'm trying to figure out when enough is enough and I feel like I'm getting there.
That's awful that the one medication that worked for your DH is the one he won't take. I wonder if he doesn't want to be the way you'd like him to be (I kind of feel like my DH will do the complete opposite of what he knows I want on purpose sometimes).
On the other medication, I
Submitted by copingSAH on
On the other medication, I couldn't believe how in-tune he was with every single one of us in the family. I don't think it changed him like he thinks it did... it brought out a deeply thoughtful human being. It was the deepest, most meaningful interaction we'd had in 20 years of marriage... but he doesn't like how it makes him feel. He insists he needs to feel "happy", which on the other medication, makes him feel euphoric, perhaps "high" all day. Which to me seems to be going beyond proper medicating.
It's disheartening eating without him. It's almost as if he can't stand it. He hasn't really sat down to a hot meal I prepared... he always decides to shower, wash the car, mail some letters, go for a walk, etc. Then he eats in front of the TV...
I honestly don't think he's mindful of what he's eating or even knows what he's eating. And I get the feeling when I happen to sit down to watch TV, that he's not even following the plot all that well. I always end up explaining most of the themes and intuit most of it for him, even when I walk in on the middle of a program. I think a lot has to do with the static images and what it does to his brain.It's somehow feeding into his need to slow down to a crawl.
Escapes
Submitted by isitadhd on
Sometimes it seems my husband is constantly in front of the computer. It will absorb his entire day. Occasionally he does productive things but most of the time he seems to just be wasting time.
He is most attentive when I have been empathetic, not making an issue out of small stuff and just focusing on how I can be a better person (independent of how he behaves). It's very difficult to let things go and not get frustrated but it really takes one person to change. Why not be the person who doesn't have the problem and it's actually easier for. I don't know. That's my take.
Also so when we are away he can sleep very easily. He thinks it's the change in routine. I tend to think it's related to being away from normal life and the stress that comes from it. It would explain why if the trip is longer than a few days he begins to not be able to sleep again.
Its t's hard to not take things personally but just have to realize it's not us. It's not them as a person or even their personalities. It's this syndrome that we need to deal with. Would you take it personally if someone with cancer was to tired to be with you? Doubt it. Disconnect him from the symptoms.
I have the same situation. It
Submitted by isitadhd on
I have the same situation. It's nice to see we are all not alone. My husband will say he can only "function" to do anything after 5 and really relax when it is 100% silent outside (which on weekends can be as late as 2-3 AM). I feel like we are on totally opposite schedules. Work during the day, do some chores, relax in the evenings and SLEEP at night would be my preferred schedule. When I wake up he is sleeping. If he can sleep based on his schedule (usually it is flexible), I let him cuz I feel bad that he only got 2-3 hours of sleep at that point and if he doesn't then he will be even more distracted, anxious and just not present. If he does wake up after just 3-4 hours, he often takes naps during the day which screws up his night time sleeping even more. At about 4-5 PM, he usually gets started on some to-do list things (finances, emails, etc) and its mixed in with watching video clips or listening to about 30 sec-1 min of a song. He knows it affects me but I'm not sure he really realizes how much it affects his attention/functioning. It is so frustrating that regardless of how it obviously affects us both, its like that relax time and his perceived functionality is more important to him than trying to fix it.
Yup...
Submitted by snsforever916 on
My hubby is the same, this is why we have separate rooms. I have to be up by 5am, so there is no way I could stay up until 2 or 3 am. It takes him forever to pass out, however on the days that I make him do lots of things, he tends to fall asleep much sooner. Try to get your hubby to exercise that helps. Currently my hubby has a casted leg...it's been crazy to hear him wheeling around in his wheel chair all night long!
No time schedules here
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
My husband has a very disruptive daily process. I cannot even call it a routine. He can still be up at 5 am - working on something outside in the yard. He schedules jobs for 8 am, then doesn't get up till 9 am. He calls his customer, and tells them he got hung up - or had to fix his truck - or a myriad of other excuses. Drives our son crazy. He became a business partner with his dad, and they work together Monday-Wed. He would LOVE to get to a job at 8, and finish the day at 4, rather than starting at 1 pm and working until 9 at night. Frustrates the heck out of him. He knew what he was getting into - BUT, as I did, he thought he could influence getting a better time schedule in place. Not happening.
Yes, This Sounds Very Familiar
Submitted by kellyj on
I don't stay up until 3am....I can't because of work but.....if I could I probably would. Without theorizing or knowing the "whys"........scheduling for me is critical but I need to do it but still consider all the variables including other people especially my wife.
This is what I have discovered about myself. I need breaks or times to go off and do my thing (whatever). The problem exists when I let this get hijacked and I send too much time doing it and don't make a schedule that I force myself to live by. That's the problem and solution right there. Do what I feel I need to do as recovering, energizing, stress release ( no explanation just that I have to do this to stay balanced) but not doing it within a schedule and setting time limits is where I have always failed. Scheduling really works.
There you go
Afterthought to this (edited ) There is something about having ADHD that makes it difficult (if not impossible ) sometimes to do things in a prescribed manner. (prescribed by others not me)
Without realizing this until recently......I have successfully found ways around getting things done or doing them with others in order to work together or cohabitant. These are little tricks or strategies that came from a lifetime of experience and for the most part there is no problem with them except.....
when I run into a situation where I can't use them.
I've described this as being like a blind person and someone comes along and rearranges the furniture. What I'm left with in these circumstance is.....with nothing.
This is where it boils down to the unexplained workings inside my brain and there is literally nothing I can do about it. In times like this I do not do well and can list a number of things that happen when this happens. I functionally become inept in an area that otherwise I function without issue.
What I am sure about is this:
I have to have structure and routine. Sudden changes in this is like the blind person analogy.
I live and die by habits (creature of)....live and do well with good ones........die by the sword with bad ones
Time of day is critical for some things and not for others. yes
Adderall helps with this in huge ways
I have to have systematic breaks or else everything goes to shit rapidly
The pattern that universally works for nearly everything I do is to divide the day up into segments....with a segment for everything, the smaller and more the segments the better.
I do very well in places that are already set up this way. job, work outs, home tasks,school (past tense)
I do poorly in times when they are not
Anything I can start and finish within 2 - 3 hour time frames is where you wouldn't know I have ADHD. Outside of this is when things get dicey
Sitting at a dinner table with friends or family just lounging around and talking has a 2 hour window...sitting in church or something I'm not interested in.....1 hour max
Doing recreational things like riding my motorcycle I can do indefinitely for long extended periods of time with almost no breaks
Side note: within the group I ride with are several Vietnam vets with PTSD......one good friend mentioned he thought I had PTSD. When I asked him why, he told me that in the Veterans PTSD therapy group that he attended....every man there reported doing dangerous adrenalin activities saying " it's the only time when we feel OK while we're (rock climbing, motorcycle or car racing, sky diving etc..) I told him that wasn't the case with me....".I get the same energy from doing anything where I can "plug into a live wire" which includes non dangerous activities that I enjoy.....high speed motor cycle riding like we do just requires intense pin point focus and no room for error(danger factor=more intensity) which is when I'm at my best." I've never looked up to see if there is any correlation but I've always been curios since he told me that.
When I hit my limit......I start to sweat or get overheated, my anxiety starts to build and the general feeling is claustrophobic
All I need is 5 to 10 minutes to get up and walk around and I'm ready for another round but there is no negotiation inside my head or biologically with this or else I start to come unglued
This is where no one else can design or schedule things for me.....and the worst of all scenarios is the blind person thing. Who would do this to a blind person...how rude lol
Making schedules
Submitted by isitadhd on
I understand that you need to have your own schedule and make your own goals. From a goal standpoint those are the ones that generally stick anyway. How do you think one can help their spouse with this without doing it for them? Any suggestions for making a schedule? My husband has to do lists that take forever but won't make an actual schedule even if he knows there's better times for certain things.
As for PTSD, my husband is diagnosed w that, not ADHD but the symptoms are definitely similar and help me to know what to do. Although with PTSD, drawing out conversation seems to be harder and there seems to be much less I can actually do besides be empathetic, not mother/be controlling, and not express every thing that bothers me.
What Works for Me
Submitted by kellyj on
I have come to understand (for myself)....that if I don't sit down and plan (strategize) my day ahead of time and organize it into time slots with scheduled breaks just like at work...i will lose track of the things I need to do and the ability to track time while doing them completely and end up with nothing getting done at the end of the day.
I have an excellent memory otherwise and can remember dates and appointments well (not perfectly) without a planner.
side note: I lived my life without a planner forever and managed to make it to things on time and on the right date by memory alone for most of my life. This is only saying that this is a strength area of mine and I've fooled myself into thinking that I could rely on it for everything because I could do this so well.
But in the moment or on the day it comes to do a list of things in the order that I know that will work for me.....based on how tired or willing I am to do something.....I lose track of everything (remember the list) including time completely. There is nothing wrong with my internal clock or my ability to forecast how long something will take to do.....but if I don't sit down ahead of time while my mind is free and clear (not in the middle of doing things) and strategize my day including breaks for myself....and then write it down before I start my day.........I won't remember half the things on the list..... or even if I do......I will remember them when it is too late or I am too tired to do them and they simply will not get done. Once I start my day......I go into automatic pilot mode and I have to pre-program this auto pilot with a predetermined set of instructions or it will not get done.
But this is also why interjecting into this predetermined plan screws me up or why I can't remember things while I'm in the process of doing something else while in auto pilot mode. It's either off or on.....there is no in between.
I think of it like I am making a plan for someone else with detailed instructions or notes so they will do what I want them to do.......and in the way I want it done. (like I do at work)
This is why someone else cannot do this for me simply because no one else can know the order (including the little side notes for instructions) that I put down so I can just follow the instructions step by step and not have to think about or remember anything in the middle of actually doing the thing itself.
But I'm also like your husband too......no one knows my idiosyncrasies better than I do (rational or irrational) and someone else is likely to project some of their own into this mix if they try and do it. That's not only a recipe for disaster and conflict but then it starts getting into feeling coercive and not having a choice on top of it. I'm always complaining ," I work most of my life and when I'm not at work....I want the very minimum of having some choice with what I do with my times off (work)." I think there is some legitimacy in that too.
In keeping with what I said about breaking things into segments (smaller the better)....I have to make very short term plans at the beginning of the day I'm doing them (short term schedules) even if I make a projected outline schedule for the week in example that I still try and follow as closely as I can. This is how I make this work for me.
A side issue to this is trying to communicate this to others. On one hand...I set the bar high as a carrot or motivator which is good.....on the other hand, I don't always expect myself to accomplish my attempted goal but I allow for this flexability in my head yet........I catch myself speaking my projected goal as "I will do this" instead of "I will try to do this but don't expect me to do everything because I probably won't." That is where the rub comes from.
Side note; My friend with PTSD (who used to be a coworker)..... when we worked together, could be extremely irritable and rigid in thinking (sometimes difficult to very difficult to work with)...yet, outside of work and especially while on riding trips.....he was a gem to be around and his demeanor completely changed. He told me once that he always needed an escape route or emergency exit for everything or he became very agitated and irritable. I believe that this reflected his general state of being and also lines up with what you said about your husband. With this in mind.....there is no way you could fit this into his day or schedule for him......its just a personal idiosyncrasy that there's no way to rationalize for someone else.
Hope this helps
J
Escape
Submitted by isitadhd on
Seems like he always needs an escape to feel like he has a choice in something or he can't fully function. If he "has" to do something he can't get out of and doesn't want to do it at that moment, chances are it won't get done. Just like your friend, if he has to do it anyway, he starts complaining and gets negative but fortunately its not too bad just annoying but his personality all the other times makes up for it completely. His to do lists to help him. Maybe making a schedule for himself will help even more.
Thanks for the suggestions!
One More Thing
Submitted by kellyj on
My friend was shot and almost died in Vietnam...the story of this is horrific. He was in denial of his PTSD the entire time I worked with him until he crashed his motorcycle and had surgery. The Veterans Affairs while researching his records found that they had screwed up (surprised?) and realized he should have been placed under a higher disability than he had been for almost 25 years. During his re-evaluation they tested him for PTSD. He told them he didn't think he had it. They told him he should be the poster child for it and have his picture on the cover of "living with PTSD".
Anyway......he's retired now and became really involved in Buddhism and the Buddhist church. This appears to have made a big difference for him. I'm not suggesting this for anyone but mindfulness training of any kind and meditation seems to work for many people. He got connected with this in his therapy group since it seemed to have helped some of the members as well. I don't know that much about PTSD but it does appear that people who experienced combat trauma.....seem to be much alike from the sound of it.
I do see many overlaps in our (my friend and my) personalities and even in the resistance to having to do things vs. choosing to do things....but the stories of how and why this is don't line up well at all. The experience I have when I start to feel claustrophobic after sitting idle too long as I mentioned does sound similar to the escape route idea....but I have been this way since was a child and I cannot say that anything in my childhood was traumatic enough to warrant PTSD. Abusive at times or painful but many people experience far worse and don't have PTSD. This is still a grey area worth looking at but my feeling is that ADHD does have similar characteristics but not the same mechanism as PTSD. I could be wrong so I will stay open minded.
Good Luck
J
PTSD
Submitted by isitadhd on
Sometimes it doesn't take much it can even happen from hearing stories or being in emergency medicine apparently. One person may be affected and another not. If your interested, I highly recommend the book invisible heroes.
Thank You
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm not sure who said this if it was you or maybe Dr Hallowell in the movie "Living With ADHD?". (thinking it might be the movie now?? mentioning something about people with either PTSD or ADHD being surprised that they can have faith at all from stories that are told. I think I mentioned somewhere recently that I have been know to surprise people......it caught my attention back then and I never forgot that sound bite....Anyway.....it stayed with me and I wanted to thank you for recommending the book. It proved to be good advise. Anyways.....if you come back here again I wanted the THX to be waiting for you just in case.
J
sleep
Submitted by lynninny on
Just weighing in -- spied this post a few weeks late.
My ex with unmanaged ADHD had the worst sleep issues I have ever seen. I think it caused terrible stress and ultimately health problems for him (and he often needed adderall to wake up for work). He couldn't fall asleep until the wee hours (2-3 a.m.--often also up late watching tv or on the computer). No matter how tired he was during the day, he got a second wind around 8 p.m.
I used to be pretty upset that he would never see a doctor about it, and that he couldn't take the morning, 4-5 a.m. shift with our children, ever. Like, not once, because by that time he would be passed out and had only had 1-2 hours of sleep.
Now that I know more about ADHD, I know that this most certainly contributed to some of his sleep issues.
My ADHD husband has sleep
Submitted by norma623 on
My ADHD husband has sleep issues too. Rarely in bed before 2am. When I've checked in on him he's watching TV and on the computer at the same time (sometimes 2 computers!). He's done this since I've known him (married 34 yrs) - but only diagnosed 6 years ago. Things are only now making sense to me.
My question is this: Is there a possibility that the sleep problem is making the ADHD problem worse? I'm trying to get him to go and have a sleep study done because I think he may have apnea - there is some studies that suggest a link between poor sleep and ADHD. I'd be interested in hearing from anyone else who has had any success.
Each day is exhausting - but we're both working on making this work.
The affect of poor sleep patterns
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
norma623,
Some thing this non-AHD spouse discovered about herself - my spouse's poor sleep habits affected me - and I only recently discovered it. My spouse snores, tosses about, and has involuntary muscle jerking while he is asleep.
For literally years, I was always so tired during the day. I tried vitamins, coffee, getting to bed at a decent hour. Nothing helped.
Then about a year ago, my spouse's back had been bothering him, so for several months, he routinely slept on the livingroom floor. I suddenly realized how my sleep had be broken over and over by trying to keep some covers, staying out of range of getting bumped by his jerking, and even wearing ear plugs to get away from the snoring. This was so amazing. Cannot believe I never realized it sooner. . . or that my doctor never never inquired if my husband snored.
OH MY GOSH! How wonderful to get a full nights sleep.
In saying that, it has GOT to affect my spouse when he doesn't sleep well. Does it make ADHD worse? I believe ADHD just 'is.' However, a tired and grumpy man, who also is disorganized, and has time blindness spells a disaster.
I wish my spouse would take good care of his health. I can relate to so many other members of this forum who struggle with the frustration of a spouse who will not take care of his own physical needs.
Very hard to witness his struggling. So difficult to really accept I can do nothing to make him want to take good care of himself.
My wife needs at least 8 hours....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife stays up late, but she also sleeps late, she developed the pattern she is on because of her job...If she comes to bed at 3 am she will sleep to dinner...But to answer your question, if she looses sleep she is much more prone to mood swings,& outbursts.
snoring, apnea and 3 am
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thanks to you all who posted. The "sleep thing" seems to be a real issue for many ADHD'ers. Besides going to bed at 3:00 am my ADHD husband was also diagnosed with sleep apnea. The doctor had him get a C-pap machine. The first night DH used the machine, he was in such a deep sleep that he was "squished" down into the bed. (he looked like his whole body was flat) It was amazing. During his testing, it was found that my husband woke up 91 times in one hour. (even though he thought he was asleep) He also had to have sinus surgery to fix a deviated septum. That also helped, in part. It was really scary when he was falling asleep during the day, ESPECIALLY WHILE DRIVING. It used to scare us to death because he would INSIST on driving but would be swerving all over the road. He even got stopped by the police for doing this. Thank God, that his day time nodding off is better.
He also used to have the leg jerking, cramps in his calves and feet and LOTS of tossing and turning. The bed on his side looks like a disaster in the morning, with the bottom sheet off the mattress, pillow cases off the pillows and the the covers a tangled mess. It's just strange why his sleep patterns are SO extreme. Also, when he lays down to try to get to sleep, it really bothers him if he doesn't just PASS OUT immediately. (like he usually does) He can fall asleep in about 30 seconds, as soon as he lays down.
He will sleep from 3am to about 12 pm on days he doesn't have to work, then get up and start his day about 1pm. Another strange thing is that he can sleep with the TV blaring LOUDLY, but if I have the TV on, he makes me turn the volume down to where I can't even hear it, because he says "That's too loud, it bothers me". But, then he puts his earplugs in, turns his tablet on, and has the tablet blasting loud to go to sleep. I JUST DON'T GET IT.
my wife is the same about the TV and noise...
Submitted by c ur self on
We had to set up some boundaries with this one...I have to have it dark and quiet...except for the wind noise maker...I use the foam ear plugs, because I'm a light sleeper, and she will wake me up coming to bed...But, thankfully we have about worked this out w/a little respect for each other...
One other thing, she destroy
Submitted by c ur self on
One other thing, she destroy's the bed...she insists on turning the air down and using big winter comforter's all year...Says she can't fall a sleep w/out it...I get tickled, because I will wake up to go to the bathroom, and she will have cover kicked every where, be laying their naked, and snoring...I tell her believe me you do not need that heavy cover to sleep...I just make the bed w/ her heavy stuff on here side :-)..
Same here...
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife likes to stay up and watch Netflix and movies she records...I will watch with her a while, but I can't hang with her...I use to complain about it, so she would come to bed for a little romance, but, she would get back up and go watch TV...her work schedule keeps her up till midnight anyway...but she's a nite owl...I finally quit complaining about it and just started swinging by her chair for a good night kiss without complaining...So when I got to where it seemed I didn't care she would come on to bed...So it's better now...Plus she broke her leg 6 weeks ago, and last Monday decided to go ahead and have surgery on her eye lids since she is using up all her off days with this leg...so I've been a full time care giver for 6 weeks, which really isn't much different than normal (behave c ur self :))...I'll be glad when she goes back to work :-) She is getting spoiled...