Because of the current state of my relationship with my husband, I do not feel like I can or should create or participate in any interaction that is not 100% necessary to living together. This is because I find the situation of living with my husband - of whom I have been faithful to, supportive of (mental, physically and financially), and encouraging to (for every thing he has ever tried to do) and have accepted and put up with consistent lying, and previous problems with porn and video games that control his life on top of him running away every time I have needed him in a crisis - becoming a business arrangement. This makes me extremely sad as I have a hard time pulling back and not doing things that support him in his stated goals.
Right now - there is an auction going on to benefit a friend who has cancer, and one of the auction items is 8 hours of private instruction with one of the premier fighters in my H's hobby (and someone who my H looks up to very much). As soon as I saw it I started to make a bid to present to him as a gift. But then I had to stop myself because of my non-intervention policy I have set for myself. (I will not intervene or participate in this marriage until he steps up and commits- I have given 7 years to him fully and in return I have gotten "I am not sure I want to be married" - so I am giving him what he wants).
It really made me sad to not do it. It would be so beneficial to him, and it would really help him in so many ways. But I cannot and will not do it. He doesn't follow through with his promises of practice at home, and I feel like this would end up being a waste, and frankly I am just not going to continue supporting him when its never returned to me. He can write his own story - with his own pen and his own pages with out my help or participation. It just makes me really sad as this is something I would have done with out hesitation just 2 months ago. Before that rage hit. Before I realized that it has been him controlling me for 7 years with those threats of "I am going to leave you" all the while acting as if *he* was the one being controlled. Well - he is, but only by his own whims and negativity - NOT ME.
I just wanted to vent. Not anger, not frustration - but vent that sadness. Its always a moment of pure joy for me to see him fight. Its a beautiful thing. Its one of my favorite things - because he becomes him. He doesnt even know it.
Oh honey--I totally
Submitted by dvance on
Oh honey--I totally understand. I have had the exact same experience with my DH. I no longer get him any small surprises and choose holiday/birthday gifts very carefully because nothing I get him is right. Here's some examples: DH loves to golf so one year for Father's Day I paid several hundred dollars for private lessons with a pro. He never made any of the appointments and so they expired--and I was out that money. Two years ago there was a special exhibit at the science museum that he said he wanted to go to. I got him a certificate to get in the museum, park, go to the special thing--the works. It cost me $85. He never went. Last Father's Day I got him a monthly subscription to Birch Box--with his knowledge and help. That is a monthly box of grooming stuff that they match to the profile you filled out. Now he has a year's worth of samples in a drawer. Unused. He watches The Walking Dead. This Father's Day I got him a book of the show. It went in the bottom drawer of his nighttable, never to be seen again. Last Christmas I got him the exact shirts he said he wanted. He never wore them. Two of them I returned and he NEVER NOTICED THEY WERE GONE. I am sick and tired of giving him stuff that goes unused and unappreciated. Speaking only for my DH, there is an element of arrogance about him that is darn near impossible for me to deal with--like if he didn't get it/buy it/pick it out himself it's not right. Every job he has ever had (and he is on job 3 in the past 4 years) he is the hero, the only person who can do the job and THANK GOD they hired him because no one there knows what they are doing. Despite the fact that the last three companies he was fired from had long track records of success prior to his employment and seem to be managing quite well since he was fired. I think that has something to do with the accepting gifts thing. If I have to get him something, I make sure it is something someone else in the house could use or that it is easily returnable. He doesn't notice when I return stuff, toss spoiled food or return library books he didn't read, so why bother in the first place?
It is sad not to be able to joyfully give stuff to your person. My advice is channel it elsewhere. I have a handful of good good friends that I send funny cards to, or the occassional small gift to--just silly stuff, inside joke stuff that you SHOULD have with your person but we don't. I walk by his favorite authors at the library because I have brought home books one too many times that sit there for 3 weeks and then I return them. Authors he himself reads, but because I brought the book home, he won't read it. I have brought home goodies that he likes (carrot cake, key lime pie) that end up getting tossed because he lets them sit there too long. I'm done. It is very sad and I miss that piece of myself. I worry that when I am able to leave this marriage that part of me (and so many other normal parts of me) may be gone for good and won't come back, but that is what I have to do right now. I used to pack DH lunches until one day I went in his truck for something (he knew I was going in there) and found a bunch of the lunches getting moldy in the back, never even eaten), so that stopped too. It really is an odd thing. As I said, for my DH there is a BIG streak of arrogance and defiance that he knows everything about everything and there is no telling him otherwise. I think being given things he didn't pick out goes along with that, even when he specifically asks for whatever it is. I dread getting him gifts because I know they won't be used. Seriously--it gets easier to not do that stuff. Send cards to friends and save the money. I am sorry but I do understand. You can only get slammed down so many times before you just give up. I gave up a while ago. Don't set yourself up for more disappointment.